Was this out of line, or am I just a curmudgeon?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I got an email tonight from a young woman who just graduated from college with a theater degree. I barely know her; my D (also involved in theater, but younger) knows her only slightly. The girl had to have gotten my email address from her mother, who is what I’d call a “light” friend (just a tad over an acquaintance). The woman does know my daughter fairly well from various high school activities. </p>

<p>So that’s the setting. The email, which went out to about 20 people, was headed “Support Suzy Actress in her Theater Debut!” I thought I was being asked to attend a show, which seemed perfectly reasonable. Turns out, the young woman is one of a group of recent graduates who want to stage a showcase in NYC to display their acting talents and jump start their careers. They are asking for contributions to provide the money to rent the theater space (several thousand dollars). The message mentions the name of one woman, a mutual acquaintance, who has already contributed. The email’s recipients are urged to forego some of life’s small pleasures (a movie, a dinner out) and send the money to the group instead. </p>

<p>I’m completely taken aback by this. I feel like this young woman should be financing her own career efforts by working, scrimping and saving. (The family doesn’t have much money; the daughter is employed in retail at the moment and living at home.) Given the size of the group, the needed sum could probably be accumulated over the course of a year if everyone went all out. If family members or close friends were to hear about her plans and decide on their own to help her out, that would be great. But soliciting funds from her parents’ friends/acquaintances strikes me as completely off base. I wish her the best, but it’s not my problem that she chose a difficult career path. Mentioning that a mutual acquaintance already contributed also doesn’t sit well with me. </p>

<p>I’m going to have to donate a nominal sum, I guess (though I have an evil desire to send back some guilt by responding that all my extra resources are currently committed to Gulf pelicans). The mother is a sweet if rather naive person, and I think she’d be puzzled and hurt if I just ignored the solicitation. But the New Englander in me is muttering about self-reliance and propriety and I’m just shaking my head over the whole thing. I’d love to hear some thoughts.</p>

2

<p>Sadly, there seems to be a growing trend in begging. While I haven’t experienced a request from a recent grad, we have received requests to help fund a summer dance intensive and a trip abroad. I just do not understand what people are thinking.</p>

3

<p>If you do not want to, don’t feel as if you have to contribute anything. This is not a close or dear friend whose daughter you know and are willing to help out. If you have to buy their friendship then it is not much of a friendship. Treat it like any other charity you might consider, albeit without the tax deduction :)</p>

4

<p>I wouldn’t donate if you don’t want to. I would ignore it, like most of the recipients who have the same relationship with the mother are likely to do.</p>

<p>These kinds of things really irritate me.</p>

5

<p>If you would prefer to help Gulf pelicans … that is absolutely your right. </p>

<p>I have to turn down many requests for contributions to actual organized groups that solicit funds from our local business. We decided, that rather than contribute to each little organization, that we would chose a theme for our charity dollars and only contribute for specific requests that fall in our guidelines. I run a pet shop – we only contribute to animal related charities. </p>

<p>IMO you get to choose your spots. In this case, you could choose to fund struggling dancers or struggling pelicans … but it becomes easier to say “no” to someone when you have a specific theme that you <em>do</em> fund.</p>

<p>(I’d be ticked myself if someone asked me for money to launch their kid’s career … what about mine? Can everyone kick in and buy a small restaurant so he can showcase his talents?)</p>

6

<p>This woman is not a family member - why do you feel you have to donate a nominal sum? I donate plenty to charities but only those I want to. Just ignore any solicitations you don’t care to participate in.</p>

7

<p>Respond by asking for the 503c number so that you can make your tax-deductible donation to her cause. When you don’t hear back, you are off the hook. ;)</p>

8

<p>I’m would be inclined ignore this e-mail.
If a second solicitation arrives, I’d use poetgrl’s response.</p>

9

<p>Is part of your question really, “Is my kid going to do this kind of thing (the showcase) herself in X years because of her professional goals?” If so, what are you saying to her now to get her ready for her funding issues then?</p>

10

<p>I would be inclined to respond with an email saying that you were going to start begging money from friends next year in an attempt to fund your child’s college education and perhaps it would be easier to just call it a wash.</p>

11

<p>I think this begging notice was terribly out of line. I’d recommend you send a polite friendly message back cheering her on and sending her your best wishes. maybe even add you hope you can buy a ticket her show?. That would be support, too.
I recommend you do not give the example of the <em>more worth charity</em>. Opinions can always vary in a topic like that. Pelicans more worthy that student? People more worthy than pelicans? National causes more worthy than international? Don’t get into that debate as your excuse not to donate. You don’t need an excuse not to donate. But I wouldn’t ignore it since you do know her and have mutual friends too.</p>

12

<p>Just a little off topic. I was asked to help pay medical bills. Not a family member, not a friend. We have a mutual distant friend. It was rather a large sum they needed. I am not yet contributing. What I will be comfortable donating will be just a pocket change. I don’t know if it won’t be taken as insult.</p>

13

<p>Tasteless… tactless… gauche. Ignore.</p>

14

<p>Your instincts were correct, the email was out of line IMO, especially the part about your mutual friend already contributing. That is really gross. I’d donate something if you feel like doing so despite all this and nothing if you don’t. I once had a solicitation to donate for a very personal cause of someone we know - the event was coming up very soon, but the letter specifically said that contributions would be accepted anytime within a time frame. When the person didn’t get a check in the mail right away, she wrote again to say that we were one of a “very few” ( I’m sure…) that hadn’t already responded. What?! It felt like she had hired a marketing firm or a collection agency. I was, in fact, planning to contribute - it’s a good cause and I know why it meant a lot to them. In this case, I overlooked the gaffe because they are good people and emotions may have clouded better judgment. But that is truly no justification.</p>

15

<p>I don’t think it’s out of line at all. She’s just approaching this the wrong way. She’s asking for an investment in a theater production (although of course she doesn’t realize that). I would respond by treating it as you would if you were in fact an prospective investor. Write back that you’re interesting in investing in her career and her production, and could she please send you a business plan that would indicate exactly what percentage of the production you would own as a result of your proposed investment.</p>

<p>Many new theater companies beat the bushes of friends, family, acquaintances and perfect strangers in order to raise capital. She might as well learn early on how to write a business plan and approach strangers for money. This morning’s emails included solicitations for funds from three different theater companies my daughter has worked for!</p>

16

<p>I have a daughter who is an actor, our family has been involved in theatre for decades, and, if I received a request like this, even I would not contribute. Our family donates tens of thousands of dollars every year to the causes we consider important to us. It’s not as though we couldn’t afford to send a contribution to a young actor in this situation, but I still wouldn’t do it. If these kids attended a college that doesn’t offer a showcase, and if they and their families can’t afford to do this on their own, then perhaps they should be seeking corporate sponsorship or writing applications for foundation grants. That is how it should be done, in my opinion. </p>

<p>We received a similar request earlier this year from the daughter of a friend. She is in med school and this summer she and a group of her classmates are heading to a central American country for a few weeks to administer to the residents of a town there. I ignored the email because I felt the same. These students should either be getting their funding from the med school which is charging them a ridiculous amount for their education, if the school feels that this is a good thing for students to do during the summer, or they should be seeking corporate or foundation sponsorship. </p>

<p>I have a friend who received a similar request from an old friend of hers to help finance her son’s trip to Thailand this summer. She was amazed until I told her about the one I’d received. She, too, although she could well afford to, did not contribute. Until this year, I’d never heard of people having the nerve to ask friends to pay for activities/trips for their children. I wonder who is telling the kids that this is an appropriate way to finance things.</p>

<p>dmd, this is different than an actual theatre company soliciting funds for a production. This is a group of kids trying to organize a showcase, which, in my opinion, is very difficult to do with any success, especially these days. Theatre companies, as you say, have a business plan, a board of directors, a banker, established relationships within the theatre community, sponsors, non-profit or charitable status, and, in the latter case, the ability to issue charitable receipts. Unless there’s more to this story than the OP knows, this does not appear to be the case here.</p>

17

<p>I agree with the others here - it was over the line, and you have no obligation to make even a nominal contribution. And if you do, I imagine you’ll receive additional begging emails on a regular basis (just like the politicians send).</p>

<p>At least this family is going to use the money for a showcase instead of putting it directly into the kid’s checking account. If I lived in the area, I’d buy tickets for the showcase. I’d also probably support their efforts if the family had a home demonstration party, sold T-shirts, etc. - something concrete in exchange for the money. However, I know a woman who tried to fund her d’s education at a prestigious ballet school by writing “begging” letters to acquaintances and prominent community folks in our area several years ago. A friend of mine received one and called to ask if I had; since I hadn’t, we quickly figured out that the friend was deemed to be prominent and have means, while I was deemed otherwise. :wink: Anyway, the letter offered the opportunity to be a patron of the arts by supporting the dancer’s career and receiving personal updates on a regular basis. I don’t know how it might have worked out - my friend was appalled and just ignored the letter. I think the mom had to have been desperate to try this route. Fortunately, the daughter was quite talented and eventually wound up with a scholarship.</p>

18

<p>It’s your choice to contribute or not. I wouldn’t feel obligated.</p>

19

<p>

A close dear friend probably wouldn’t let their kid do this to their friends.</p>

20

<p>A close dear friend probably wouldn’t let their kid do this to their friends.</p>

<p>* DO this?*
What send an email? The horreur!
;)</p>

<p>When D was in high school she participated in a computer tech class whose objective was to refurbish computers and teach others to use them as an avenue of cultural communication.</p>

<p>Students from this class ( at the time) had the opportunity to go on a trip to developing countries to use their skills and install the computers.
( D’s team went to Ghana- it was the 6th time the program had been there & they were accompanied by a high school counselor who was chief of a small village!)</p>

<p>As part of fund raising efforts they were required to identify addresses of a few family/friends who would be contacted for donations/info. Generally it only went out to very close family members who were already aware of the trip. It was also informational in tone and gave updates on upcoming dinners/etc to raise money.
It generally is a pretty successful, low budget way to raise funds- if it wasn’t- it wouldn’t be used.
( don’t remember if it was tax deductible)</p>

<p>Now of course they have facebook.</p>