<p>An ex-boyfriend and I found ourselves in the wedding party at a destination wedding in Jamaica about 15 years ago. We ran into the couple at the airport, talked on the shuttle, checked in together and just kept bumping into each other the first couple of days at the resort. We had a few meals together and really hit it off. They asked us to be attendants in their beach wedding. Only one other couple could afford to come to the destination with them and there were no family members. I think they wanted it that way. It was really beautiful and we were flattered. I wonder now if they look at the pictures that we are in and wonder who we are.</p>
<p>We are having a wedding in June which is TECHNICALLY a destination wedding simply because no one actually lives there year-round who is attending. However, it is a family spot that we’ve all been going to for generations. Very much a home away from home. </p>
<p>We are also having more of an adult wedding/reception. But what that means for us is that family (like my nieces and nephews) are invited, but that’s as far as the kids go. so, if the OP were MY sister in law, the kids would be included. And I think I read where your invite said “and family,” which is what D has done for family unless they are adult cousins which she has a few, and then they got their own invites. We will have kids there, but just no one’s but family. Ex: adult children of family friends are not invited (unless D is inviting those people as her friends and then, of course, again they get their own invite as the adults that they are).</p>
<p>I want to add however that having an adult reception in our case is not about wanting a rowdy party or a drunkfest. And I see no reason why someone would specifically mention “adult” as wording on an invitation unless there was a Children’s reception (which I’ve seen before as well). Unless you have a lot of people who just do what they want without any concern for etiquette, Im not do sure what that means exactly except to say “and don’t even try it on the reply card as we will call you out!” Of course, </p>
<p>Mostly, I just don’t want kids to take up space in seating or budget that would be far better served by adults, especially in a somewhat limited sized venue. The room can seat 165 and we’re already inviting a little over 180. </p>
<p>But if I am really honest, MOSTLY, I don’t wish to have to worry about the schedule of small children who need to eat at a certain time (let alone WHAT they eat) or who will get cranky long before the reception is over (to say nothing about possible impatience and melt down during the wedding itself). I also don’t want to be responsible for allergies and/or unsocialized kids (aka brats whose parents think they’re adorable who might let the run wild at a reception). </p>
<p>I am going with the idea that this is an ideal weekend to ask a grandma and grandpa to babysit so the young parents can have a fun weekend away. This said, they are also welcome to bring their small children and I have a few young girls who are willing to babysit during the wedding and reception, but it’s on the parents to hire and pay. Figure it’s up the parents to decide to bring or not bring. </p>
<p>And it shouldn’t be seen as rude or otherwise inconsiderate that people invite who they can or want regardless. Unless the name is specifically on the invitation, they’re not invited. Period. There are no plus ones for us either. There are a number of single folk invited and Plus, IMO, it is more fun and pressure free to not have to find a date (who I dont want to pay for anyway). </p>
<p>As for drunkfest - Our open bar is by the head… and you pay for all over 21 (even if they are recovering alcoholics who haven’t had a drink in 20 years - I know, because I asked). I’ll be paying handsomely for those who will drink nothing more than sparkling water with lemon all night, so truth be told I am not only assuming the teenage cousins will use this opportunity to experience social drinking, but counting on it. 
But drunkfest? I sure hope not… not sure if they will even do shots, to be honest, even if people wanted them.</p>
<p>Weddings are ridiculously expensive and I really do believe that it is completely at the bride and grooms (and whomever’s paying for it all) to include or not include who they want. My feeling has come to be, if it is at all an issue or problematic, I’ll understand if they can’t come, and more importantly I dn’t want anyone there who doesn’t fully want to be there.</p>
<p>I think the faux paux in this case is using “and family” without specific names. But as family, you should ignore the adult reception line, and plan on attending inclusive with young adult daughter. As I said above… our bride and groom have friends with young toddlers and so no, the kids can stay home thank you very much. Our family kids however range in age from about 12-adult.</p>
<p>I remember my Hs cousins getting married - all in Chicago - and we hired sitters for every single one even though our children were invited to two of them. First one we took them with and got a sitter, second one we took the weekend as a gift for an adult weekend (SO SO Much more fun) and the last, we took our oldest and left the two youngers at home with a sitter.</p>
<p>Permit me to strongly disagree with modadunn here. I cannot agree to advise the OP to ignore the recep invite that says “adult reception” and bring a 16 yr old. Especially in light of post 221, para 7, where Moda tells us the teenager is excluded.
If the OP is still confused on what is meant by “adult reception” as it refers to a teenager, then I recommend at the very least, calling for a clarification.
Many here incl me, have discussed the many reasons the wedding couple may not want small children- but even older children may not be desired. SOme adults don’t feel comfortable drinking around teenagers- even if they’re not <em>drinking like a sailor on leave</em>, and some adults know teenagers are not likely to enjoy the same music as the B&G and other older guests attending.</p>
<p>But foremost- why the B&G have specified “adult” in order to eliminate children isn’t the point. It isn’t for us to try to justify this.
Our opinions were asked here on what “adult reception” meant on the recep invite, as it refers to a teen-ager.</p>
<p>Well… I will be interested to know what this meant following the phone call. which is clearly what’s needed. No need to get feathers ruffled but I guess you never know what kind of etiquette is being ignored or in place here. </p>
<p>If it was sent as ONE invitation with a separate enclosure card about the reception, the invitees include everyone listed on the envelope. Some invites (not as many as there used to be) also have an inner envelope that lists guests by name. (Ex: Outer envelope says, Mr. and Mrs. Fred Flintstone and family, and the inner envelope would read Fred, Wilma and Pebbles). It would be extremely poor etiquette to have sent an invitation to the whole where only some were invited to the entire event. Had they wanted a truly adult reception SEPARATE from those invited to wedding, the proper etiquette would have been to send a completely separate invitation for the reception. But it’s also true that some people just don’t follow the “rules.”</p>
<p>Ive received invites for the reception only, especially when the church is small or otherwise limits the number of attendees or they got married in vegas etc. But unless the enclosure card had an envelope and said, ONLY the parents names (which would be bad form no doubt), the invitation applies to all whose names appear on the envelope.</p>
<p>I for one will be interested in the intention here, but honesty I think the use of the word “adult” on the enclosure of the reception details is to thwart young parents from thinking bringing their 2 year old would be no big deal. Hoping the answer comes soon!</p>
<p>I would be so tempted to call and ask if “adult” meant this was a porn themed reception.</p>
<p>
What does “experience social drinking” mean? Are you counting on underagers to drink? Or are you counting on teens to watch the over-21 folks socially drinking?</p>
<p>I like Moda’s post 225.
I cannot quote Emily Post, but I suspect the best ettiquette would have been to have mailed 2 separate envelopes if all the same people weren’t invited to both functions. I can agree with Moda that might have been a way more in keeping with Emily.</p>
<p>Maybe my personal perspective is too practical, but I differ from Moda on this:
The B&G did take the effort to indicate recep was intended for adults. It seems logical to me that if it was intended to include all of the Op’s family then there would not have been a separate notation on the recep invite. While it may not have been how Emily would recommend, I look at the intent there, just as written. Clearly, the recep invite did not include all of the family as written.
If I were the recipient of the 2 invites, the hosts, taking the time to separate the invited to the recep- well, I’d be hard-pressed to merely ignore it and bring my teenager, on the grounds that it wasn’t “proper form” to put 2 invites in one envelope.</p>
<p>Electronblue does bring up a good point in a funny way… what are known as “adult movies” and “adult toys” are not intended for 16 yr olds.</p>
<p>Even if we get an update from Op, unfortunately, in this case, we may never know the real intent, if it is something other than how the invites read. If the Op calls, and is asked not to bring teenager to reception, then it is clear- it was intended just as written. But if the teen is then invited on the phone the OP nor we, will ever really know if it was the intent to exclude, but hosts acquiesced once getting a call.</p>
<p>A lot of invitations do not follow the etiquette rules. Life was a lot easier when more people did follow the rules and they were better known, but these days there is a wide berth as to how things are done, and I don’t get upset when things are not done by the book. So one does have to call, if it is unclear what the “Adults only” means.</p>
<p>Discreetly ask the parent of the bride who is related to you just what the invitation means by “adult reception” – if they addressed it to Mr & Mrs X and Family that usually means the entire family. But “Adult Reception?” What is that supposed to mean, adults only at the reception? They will be showing X rated films? </p>
<p>I would have thought they would have sent an invitation to the wedding ceremony only, if they meant come only to the wedding, or if they want you to come to the reception adding a card added that indicates the reception, its address, etc… </p>
<p>If they want only adults, they should have addressed it “Mr & Mrs X.”</p>
<p>In my family there are many many cousins and when I was a child, in order to make weddings financially possible, there was a rule: no children (except siblings of the bride/groom). Period. They still had 100-150 people at those receptions. Children could come to the church to see their cousin get married if they were old enough to behave well, but they went home to a sitter or older cousin who was also not going to the reception afterwards.</p>
<p>There were no hard feelings or people getting huffy because they thought their kids should be there. It was the rule because–well for one thing, do you <em>really</em> want little kids at an adult party that goes on into the evening past their bedtime? But mostly, because the cost of a catered meal for kids who are going to pick at the potatoes was way out of reach. It was then & it is today, for most folks. Teens might be more willing to eat but the cost to invite them would have put a reception out of reach. </p>
<p>Abasket, the reception is being funded by another family & their finances may not be able to carry a party that includes all the children. </p>
<p>Now, your discomfort with parties that include alcohol is entirely another matter. If you are not comfortable, just go for the first bit, and leave not too long after the bride and groom make their appearance & are toasted. You will have done your duty to the relative whose child this is, you will have expressed your good wishes to the happy couple, and you will be gone before the rowdy stuff you do not like commences.</p>
<p>Hah! You guys have not been to Indian weddings! </p>
<p>I was listening once to the MOB who had just got engaged gleefully listing all the things she was doing immediately following the couple announcing they would marry.</p>
<p>TWO ceremonies, one in India and one in NJ. MOB had been calling every hotel on Rte 1 trying to find a venue large enough to accomodate the NJ crowd. It was something like 350 - 400. </p>
<p>She hadn’t even begun to address the clothing, food, music, etc but her eyes gleamed with the happy year she was going to be having planning & running all this.</p>
<p>A few years ago we went to a “Big Fat Greek Wedding.” 300+. It was pretty epic. All kinds of the usual big wedding stuff, but the money flinging was definitely my favorite part. And faking as well as I could the Greek dancing. H and I got money flung at us for making a good try of it.</p>
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<p>Not exactly. As mentioned earlier it is considered unacceptable to invite someone to the ceremony and not the reception, with the possible exceptions of young children in the bridal party or the congregation of a church or temple where the ceremony is being held. The latter is often done by way of church bulletin or word of mouth. A reception only invitation is different, as there can be circumstances which warrant an intimate or distant ceremony. </p>
<p>You’re right that not everyone does things by the book, and some people are clueless. But the onus is on the hosts to communicate according to well known standards and not make it up as they go along. </p>
<p>Where we agree is that if there is the smallest doubt as to intent, the OP should call. I happen to think it’s highly, highly unlikely that the D was meant to be excluded, but again, anything is possible. </p>
<p>I disagree that the OP will never know the true intentions of the host. My guess is that the hosts will make it clear - either they will insist up and down that of <em>course</em> the D was invited all along or (far less likely, IMO) make it obvious that they are making an exception for her.</p>
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<p>I am not there to police other family members or young adults. It is my believe that 21 is an arbitrary age and when I was a teen the legal age was 18. Our youngest daughter is 19 and I can guarantee you she will either be ordering from the bar or have someone order for her. She’s at the end of her freshman year in college and to not recognize the obvious would be fairly stupid on my part.</p>
<p>I have five young-ish uncles and I was invited to every one of their weddings. Starting at about the age of 15/16, I most definitely enjoyed the wine with dinner and the champagne toast. I may like my wine to this day, but still not really much of a champagne lover beyond a toast. The truth of the matter is I was probably introduced to things in the 70’s from their friends or other relatives that may have horrified my parents, or maybe like me, they assumed who better to make sure I didn’t go overboard or was left to fend for myself. My feeling is we don’t do enough modeling responsible behavior in a party atmosphere and although some states allow that parents can determine whether their children can partake in alcohol served in a restaurant (ex: you’ve ordered a bottle of wine for the table), I think a family wedding is absolutely an appropriate introduction. </p>
<p>Fortunately, beyond a few 18-20 year olds, there are only a handful of those under 16 invited/coming and I will leave it up to their parents to draw their own lines in the sand without casting even a single doubt on their parenting chops. And frankly, the risks are considerably lowered when you’re surrounded by your entire family looking out for you.</p>
<p>There is something called a “church reception” in some parts of the country, where cake and punch are served, maybe a little something else, and that’s what most people are invited to attend. There sometimes, often is a the wedding dinner for a much smaller group at a restaurant, club, somewhere, usually for the closest and farthest family members, and children are rarely invited to that. It’s done when the money is very short, the list is very long, and yet there are enough family members coming long distances that some sort of formal thing is done. I don’t know if this is a regional concept or not, but I’ve seen this on a few occasions. Happens a lot when family, couple have scads of people wanting to go to the wedding. A minister of a church, certain semi public figures, people in a close community often do this. So there are a lot of situations not covered by the etiquette books.</p>
<p>We were at a wedding reception recently, and the bar tenders there carded those they felt were underage.</p>
<p>^one reason for that would be the family is charged by the head–one price for adults, a much lower price for underage. So besides the illegality, they’re losing money on an underage drinker.</p>
<p>(OTOH, they’re making money on teetotalers, but try to get them to charge the nondrinking rate for an adult–probably not going to happen.)</p>
<p>In my state, a bartender cannot legally serve a minor, even if the parent is standing right there, and gives permission. Strictly speaking of law, to keep the server legal, the bartender has to serve the parent, then the parent is permitted to give it to the child.
But of course, there have been many reasons already in this thread why B&G may not want children-toddlers or teens at the reception. And why they want it that way, or if it is proper ettiquette is not info the Op is seeking. Op wanted to know if this community felt that wording of “adult reception” excluded a 16 yr old.</p>
<p>I am wondering has the OP found out yet what they hosts meant by “adult reception”? Did it include or exclude a 16 yr old?</p>
<p>Just thought I’d update you all. (I’m the OP)</p>
<p>As conversation went on, it became clear that H just wanted to go to the wedding and not worry about the reception. The wedding is at 1pm (about 45 mins from our home) and the reception doesn’t start till 6:30 (another 30 mins past church) so that was another strike against the reception in his mind - such a long period between the two.</p>
<p>I made it clear that I thought we should probably attend both, but told him it was his call as it’s his sister’s son getting married. He said, “send the RSVP, wedding only” so I did.</p>
<p>Last night his sister called him and was adamant (in a nice way I guess) that we attend both. She says that “of course” 16 year old is invited - they just didn’t want any small children at the reception. So that clears that up. (I never did call her since it seemed silly to ask when H did not want to attend the reception). </p>
<p>Apparently H when caught on the spot told his sister that , “ok, yes we will attend” - including 16 year old. </p>
<p>Which still to me proves that it is IMPORTANT to clearly state the intention of your event so as to not leave anyone guessing, leave anyone out, have anyone assume, have anyone embarrassed …</p>
<p>abasket,
I’m glad that your SIL clarified that the entire family was invited to the reception. As you can see from the varying interpretations on this thread IMO the wishes/intent your SIL conveyed to your DH re who in your family was invited to the reception were not made clear on the invitation. I absolutely do understand given your DH wasn’t interested in attending the reception initially why a call was not made to further clarify. Now that the decision has been made that the family will attend the reception I hope you all enjoy yourselves very much and it is a positive experience for everyone.</p>