<p>We are hosting a luncheon event this weekend. We will be serving wine, fruited water, iced tea and hot tea/coffee. No beer or hard liquor. Its at a winery. Hope no one asks for beer or hard liquor.</p>
<p><< A wedding reception with lots of drinking , dancing, and loud music will be the most awkward and last place my H will want to be!!! >></p>
<p>25 years ago, my husband and I had an “adults only” reception. Our reasons were quite simple - the chapel was very small and the location in which we were having the reception was not “kid friendly.” </p>
<p>We had wine, champagne, and beer - and there was not “lots of drinking”. And there was no “dancing and loud music” - as the only music we had was a string quartet from the local university music school. </p>
<p>Oh, and while we stayed behind at the church for photographs, our guests went on to the reception location (just a few blocks away) and were immediately provided with food and drinks. We only had 45 people in attendance, and the whole thing cost under $6000 (most of which we paid for).</p>
<p>The biggest “issue” we had was explaining to DH’s family that weddings in the South were not the same as weddings in the North (especially weddings in western PA). ;)</p>
<p>Really? At a winery and no wine? 
jk!</p>
<p>lookingforward, I’ve seen venues that worked that way, and agree that if you have to have a cash bar that doesn’t feel tacky. It’s more like the guests are cheating than that the hosts are being cheesy and cheap.</p>
<p>I’ve never been invited to a cash bar affair out of hundreds I’ve attended, but take people’s word that they are common in some places. I think it is tacky to charge your guests no matter where the bar set up is located. Not sure what difference that should make. It’s one thing if guests sneak out to a public hotel bar near the reception and another if the hosts themselves arrange the thing. A private event is a private event.</p>
<p>It sounds like in places where a cash bar is not common, guests are a lot more willing to behave like rational adults. I suggested that we just serve beer and wine at our wedding, with water, soft drinks, and coffee-- no cash bar because I’ve been told they’re offensive, and no open bar because we can’t afford it even with our tiny guest list. My mother was so mortified she said if I am going to have “THAT kind of wedding” she won’t support it, and relatives said they wouldn’t come. They wouldn’t dream of thinking they are entitled to an open bar, but they expect that cash bar or they think we are not being a good host-- sincerely. It doesn’t occur to them to be offended by the cash bar, but not serving liquor at all is akin to not serving food. The rules are different in different families.</p>
<p>In the end, I think the right thing to do is the thing that is going to make YOUR guests comfortable, which is not always what somebody who lives in a different region is going to agree with–thankfully unless they are in attendance it’s not their business.</p>
<p>I’ve been to weddings with cash bars, open bars, no bars. Not what made the weddings ever. I couldn’t tell you which wedding where which in that regard either, now after the fact. Sometimes what makes the fact that the booze was flowing freely memorable are not good memories. </p>
<p>Whatever the hosts want to provide at the wedding, I pretty much accept. It’s their show. It would have to be truly offensive, way over the top, to get me upset. I understand that guest lists often have to be culled unfairly, that the food might not be so great, the venue not what I would pick. That isn’t the point of the wedding, and I let all of that go. I’ve had some wonderful times at some weddings that were done on a shoe string budget. Great people, and a wonderful atmosphere with a bride and groom in love is all that it takes.</p>
<p>Side issue, but at the venue we just used, an open bar of wine and beer was the same price as one including hard liquor. So we included everything. No one behaved badly, and we hired a shuttle to drive people places so no one had to worry about driving, and we didn’t have to worry about anyone else driving when they shouldn’t.</p>
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Good grief. With family like that, it sounds like beverage service at the wedding is the least of your problems. My reaction would be–“If the availability of booze is more important to you than sharing in in our celebration, we’re happy to have you stay home and take your alcohol problem to your neighborhood bar.”</p>
<p>First cash bar at a wedding that I’ve attended was a few years ago–my H’s administrative assistant had one. The venue she choose had a great view–top floor of a high-rise building in Boston. There was wine with dinner and a champagne toast before. If someone wanted other alcohol, there was a bar off in a corner near the dance floor. We were fine and didn’t even get other drinks. I did notice a fair number of young people in line at the bar, especially once the dancing started. In this case, the bride and groom were paying a ton for the venue rental and caterer (they had to use specific caterers) and I think they decided to cut costs by having the cash bar. There was a short period between the church ceremony and the reception and the bar wasn’t open. I think couples should do what makes them comfortable. Personally, I’d never ask my guests to pay for drinks–but as a guest, I wasn’t offended.</p>
<p>I’m beginning to think we live in a nation of raging , addicted, alcoholics whose entire lives revolve around drinking.</p>
<p>jym, S1 and DIL decided he should get an invitation but he has not yet RSVP’d. Am crossing my fingers he decides that since his GF is busy with her pet farm and wouldn’t be able to leave all the critters for three days, he doesn’t want to make the trip. There is a package store across the street from the venue, which makes me shudder. </p>
<p>S1’s cousin who was going to get married the same day has now postponed the date, to noone’s surprise.</p>
<p>Well here’s hoping that (a) the pet farm needs all the hands it can get and that (b) the RSVP deadline passes and you stick firmly to it!. I am absolutely amazed at the number of people who do not mail back a pre-stamped and addressed RSVP card. Astounding. We did not hear from about 15-16%. I contacted a few but decided I was not going to chase down people. They are going to miss a really fun time.</p>
<p>BTW- we are paying for the wine by the bottle, not by the pour. So no hard liquor or beer. Nada.</p>
<p>S and DIL did not use RSVP cards – they set up a Google form on their wedding website. They did get email addresses for everyone at the beginning of this process so if they need to chase down people, they can do that. Fortunately we are not paying by the head for the catering, so the marginal cost per person is not significant.</p>
<p>I love the new generation’s way of doing things. In our case, it was hard enough getting home addresses for several invited guests, let alone trying to get everyone’s email. SO formal invitations was the way to go. I’ve found that even with evites and the other electronic invitation companies, some people just dont respond.</p>
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<p>Since my family was the negative example here, I feel compelled to mention that the majority of my relatives probably only have a handful of drinks a year. It’s just something they expect at a wedding the same way they expect some kind of food. I think they’re ridiculous but I guess every family has their idea of what a wedding should look like. My mom was equally flabbergasted at my suggestion that we should have a small wedding at home with a dinner party style reception, with no dj, dance floor, etc… I don’t know that it’s so much the alcohol that is the issue as it is deviating from the norm at all.</p>
<p>On the subject of RSVPs, I received an invitation to my cousin’s fiancee’s wedding shower three days before the RSVP date, forgot to RSVP, and so assumed I couldn’t go and forgot all about it. I sent a gift but didn’t attend. The shower was this past weekend and I just found out my attendance was fully expected and now everyone is mad. You can’t win.</p>
<p>D1’s wedding and reception were in a gated community so if guests didn’t RSVP and have their names at the gate they didn’t get in. We made sure everyone was aware of the policy by noting it on the RSVP cards.</p>
<p>Since we live in an area full of stoic Lutherans if there wasn’t alcohol at the reception there would be very few dancers at the reception. ;)</p>
<p>At my wedding, the expectation wasn’t alcohol-- among DH’s relatives, the disappointment was that I didn’t plan to do the garter thing. Yeah-huh.</p>
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I think things have been like this only since booze was invented 10,000 years ago.</p>
<p>Ema, my remarks weren’t meant to imply that your relatives or anyone who carries on this way about cash bars or full open bars ( which, incidentally we had at all our affairs) is literally an alcoholic. I was exaggerating to make the point. But I don’t understand or respect the threats to pull support. Not to mention, if you are serving wine, beer or champagne, it’s not a dry wedding at all. If someone actually threatened not to attend because of that, as far as I would be concerned their absence would NOT be considered any kind of loss. </p>
<p>I do somewhat understand the part about tradition and expectations. As I’ve said, we ended up spending significantly more than we would have where most of our guests live to host the kind of cocktail hour buffet they are accustomed to seeing at formal receptions. Around here that’s all a la carte. It was our choice - no one pressured us. But if anyone had told me they would not attend <em>unless</em> there were was certain type of menu, I would have said too bad, we’ll miss you! I certainly would never give guests the option of paying for extra food! Open bar is no different IMO. </p>
<p>It’s just hard for me to relate to the fact that people can’t put their need to drink exactly what they want to drink, when they want it, and how much aside for a few short hours when they are being hosted by someone else.</p>
<p>I am finding it difficult myself. I actually would have preferred a dry wedding. But it’s harder to say you’d just rather they not come when you only have your parents, grandparents, a sister, an aunt, and three cousins to invite. When your family is so tiny it’s not easy to just accept half might not come unless I just get the stupid cash bar and shut them all up. Since we’re only inviting them and a handful of other people who also won’t be offended, it’s the lesser of two evils. You have to pick your battles!</p>
<p>Things can just be so different for different families, though. When this issue came up and I expressed concern that a cash bar would be tacky my mom was really confused, she’d never heard such a thing. Now she thinks I just watch too many wedding shows and give myself crazy ideas.</p>