<p>I’ll relook at the invite tonight - but you bring up a good point with the invite being address to “Mr/Mrs and Family” </p>
<p>Good advice and good insight - thank you!</p>
<p>This might be a nice stepping stone to repairing relations. Personally, I’d go to both the wedding & reception. Why get upset/offended about your D who doesn’t even want to go–her reaction frees you from having to interpret the invitation. (It would be different if she personally felt slighted.) She’ll be happy not to go, and you & your husband can just stay for dinner and congratulate the newly married family members.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t be upset in the least. I would call and find out what the cut off is for “adult” if that is the hang up as to whether any of you will be going or not. Otherwise, send your regrets and a bit more of a generous gift since you aren’t spending to go there. I think being gracious is important in all of this. </p>
<p>Sometimes when alcohol is free flowing at these receptions, no one want to be responsible for making sure underaged kids are not getting soused or that there are younger kids running around. It’s the couple’s and the paying parents’ choices, and I would honor them fully. My friend had that problem at a college grad party that she and her siblings threw for 5 college grads in the family all graduating that month. They did not want anyone underage there because they did not want the responsibility of patrolling who was drinking and not of age, so they put that right out there, with the choice being that it would be an alcohol free ba****** can be an onerous thing monitoring these things and a tragedy can devastate everyone. We had an issue with this in our community where some kids sneaked some drinks at a bash, which is easy enough to do most of the time, and then went driving off with alcohol in the system.</p>
<p>I have no issue with setting an age restriction. My father was one of 11 children in his family and I thus had over 50 first cousins on his side. For family weddings an age point was generally set (cousins over age NN) were the only ones invited). Nobody seemed to object as it was across the board. Nothing to do with drinking as the age was sometimes 13 or 16. Even when these grandparents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary only the older cousins were included in the reception (sit down dinner).</p>
<p>Those hosting a party are entitled to make their own rules re the guest list IMO.</p>
<p>I would want, myself, to err on the side of not bringing along a family member under age 21 – or at least not under 18. Either of those would be an interpretation of “adult.” Since your D2 has no interest, no problem, seems to me. </p>
<p>Re your own attendance, up to you and your H, of course.</p>
<p>I want to add that I would not “ASSUME” anything. You never know to whom the "adults only " is directed. Maybe it is to your family, maybe not.</p>
<p>Based on what Abasket said about the wedding, I was assuming this was a buffet dinner, nice but nothing fancy. And the bar bill will outweigh the food bill. A big catholic wedding. My apologies if that’s not what it is. Not a sit down, $200 a plate wedding. </p>
<p>I am also assuming that the bride was not aware that her wording is causing angst among the invitees. This is family and they invited family. I stand by my original statement. Just getting a RSVP is better than lots of invitees do.</p>
<p>Oh, I think D2 was a little offended! Long story, but she was present for the “words exchange” that H’s siblings had with H a few years ago so of anyone in the family, she is not much of a fan of these aunts!!! </p>
<p>The family dynamics are another discussion - not one I need to share! </p>
<p>If just H and I attended the reception it would NOT be a nice evening for us so I don’t see that as a solution. I don’t think we will be missed. We would def go to the wedding, offer our support and prayers for the marriage, but they can party on their own! :)</p>
<p>If you don’t want to go to the reception, just don’t go. You’re planning on attending the wedding and sending a gift from what I understand. If you do want to go and your daughter doesn’t want to go, I wouldn’t worry about whether she was intended to be included or not. If the other kids are younger you can say she’s babysitting them. I’ve been to lots of receptions that a 16 year old would have been more than happy not to be at, they were all off in a corner checking their phones, looking boooooored.</p>
<p>At my wedding we had one baby. No other friends with kids. My youngest brother provided a babysitter since there were lots of small fry by the time he got married. It was an outdoor reception and pretty casual so the kids were around from time to time.</p>
<p>Deb922, you are correct. Big Catholic wedding, probably a buffet or maybe a sit-down but probably not over the top. </p>
<p>As I said, we’re not wedding-attending pros, so I wasn’t sure how to interpret the invite. Add in the family awkwardness and it make it a little more dicey. </p>
<p>No need to argue! :)</p>
<p>I can answer(for me) based on years of dj work, and playing at many weddings. I have seen many things at weddings.
“Adults only” invite excludes 16 yr olds. Not a grey area.<br>
It appears all are invited (“and family”) to wedding(outer envelope) but there is a notation that reception is adults only. Not uncommon at all.</p>
<p>Apparently the honored couple foresee the possibility of some combination of booze, profanity, vulgarity, nudity, risque humor and don’t want to possibly expose children to that or, risk a legal consequence, or, perhaps they might feel uncomfortable boozing and dancing feeling that children are watching. The wedding couple might not want adults dancing, then have a kid get hurt because he ran out onto the dance floor. Plus, we all know kids often have a “look at me, Mom” mentality, and the honored at the party should rightly be the focus of the party.
There is also the financial aspect of paying for (small kids) meals and clean-up as kids too often waste food.</p>
<p>I strongly agree with ksm post 8. Not appearing because <em>all my kids can’t go</em> imo would not only appear petulant and small, but would certainly not teach a lesson about being gracious and putting one’s own feelings aside to help a couple celebrate such a happy time… Lastly, if the Op is considering not attending recep because they feel “slighted” yet might consider making up a fake excuse to explain it, then I think that would say/teach a lot about the choice not to attend.</p>
<p>Invitations are supposed to specify the person or people being invited. Even “and guest” is preferably avoided by asking for the name of the person in advance. Similarly, “and family” is not considered proper form (though lots of people do it). However, when it is used it’s supposed to mean that everyone in your family living at home is invited. A separate invitation should go to any adult child, especially living on his or her own, but that doesn’t always happen in the real world. </p>
<p>It’s never correct to exclude by way of a virtual “keep out” sign, certainly not on a formal invitation. If a child is not mentioned on an invitation by name or by way of “and family” people are expected to know he or she was not invited. Your relatives don’t seem to be taking any chances, though - my guess is that it is meant to discourage people from bringing uninvited children along. </p>
<p>I suppose anything is possible. But I would assume that your entire family is invited, since that is what it says.</p>
<p>Editing to say that I would not feel awkward in the least to call and clarify. Your H’s relatives were the ones that were unclear, not you.</p>
<p>I think Younghoss is right. All the family to the wedding, but not the 16-year old to the reception.</p>
<p>Since OP has mentioned numerous times that they don’t want to be in the company of partiers, the simplest thing to do is to go to the wedding and not the reception. I have visions of the family sitting together at a table or standing off to the side looking askance at others bustin’ loose at the reception.</p>
<p>I just got an invite to a similar wedding. They had to move it from their original location and the new place is much smaller. They only have room for fifty people and no children (they specified nobody under 18)… They even called and asked people if they would mind not bringing a date unless specifically invited by them because of how small it will be. </p>
<p>Sent from my DROID BIONIC using CC</p>
<p>My two cents: RSVP that the three (4?) (5?) of you plan to attend. If the 16 year old isn’t welcome, they will call and let you know. I’m guessing the ‘adults only’ piece doesn’t apply to first cousins who are 16. I think the “and family” phraseology leaves that open as an option.</p>
<p>Go to the service and the reception. Eat, offer your congratulations to your husband’s sister/BIL, bridal couple, etc and leave before the party gets crazy if that’s not your thing. In my experience, if you only attend the service at the church, you may not get to see the couple or other family members and that will only add to the awkward-ness you feel toward them. They may rush off for pictures, etc. and you will miss them.</p>
<p>I would attend because it is a family event, a cause to celebrate. As someone has mentioned, your kids are watching this and what you decide will be precedent-setting. Seems to me families hold on to baggage too long and only see other for funerals. This is your 16 yo’s first cousin who is getting married–one day that generation will be the only one that is left and they could have a happy memory, a jumping-off point perhaps to establish/continue a nice relationship. Who knows?–perhaps the next generation will get along.</p>
<p>…In my experience, teen-age girls often want to attend weddings. If that’s the case I encourage you to bring her. Good luck with your decisions…</p>
<p>I attended a wedding last summer where the bride had a bunch of cousins with small kids. At $100/plate paid for by the bride and groom, they made the choice not to include young kids except for the ones specifically invited. The invitations, of course, said “Adult Reception,” but there were still five or six kids there. The cousins all boycotted the wedding, essentially ending the adult relationship with the bride.</p>
<p>I would consider “and family” to be a specific invitation for your daughter. I would not consider it rude to call the person you know best who would be able to get you the answer.</p>
<p>I dont think you have to address the “family awkwardness”. Just call the bride and ask. You can introduce yourself clear up the situation. She is probably the one planning it anyway. </p>
<p>I have seen “adults” added so there are restless toddlers running all around, so there is some ambiguity. If your daughter doesnt want to go and she really doesnt know the cousin then leave her off.</p>
<p>If the invitation included information about a reception, adding “adult” does not negate the fact that D was included with the family on the invitation.</p>
<p>As I noted earlier, and zooser concurred- there are really 2 invites here, that relate to 2 different functions.
Those that say- It says “and family” so that automatically includes a 16 yr old kid, are overlooking a key factor: that there are 2 notations:
According to the OP:
- the outer envelope addressed to “and family” for the wedding, and
- Inside, the reception invite is marked “adults only”</p>
<p>Perhaps some will think me too <em>black and white</em> but I don’t see ambiguity in a reception invite that says adults only. Setting aside why the couple wants it this way, let’s look at other possibilities: Should the invite have said- no one under 18, unless they are a very mature for their age 16 yr old? Would that have been clearer? What if someone has a 171/2 yr old? Who decides if they are mature enough? Should they put a mark on the door like at amusement parks that says- you must be this tall to enter? Can they permit someone at 16, but deny an equally related 17 yr old that is less mature? How do they word that on an invite?</p>
<p>I agree with younghoss. RSVPing a count including children for a reception to which they weren’t invited would seem very rude to me.</p>