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There’s that pesky word “should” in there. What if they didn’t read the etiquette book?</p>
<p>abasket, these discussions always run wild and free–don’t take it personally. It especially happens if the word “wedding” is in the subject line.</p>
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I don’t see what how any is relevant. It’s not your wedding. The selection of guests is up to the people throwing the event, and a family that doesn’t want to be separated can just decline. </p>
<p>I’ve seen very heavy drinking at every wedding I’ve attended in recent years. Usually it’s the college friends of the couple who can’t handle an open bar. I think it’s perfectly reasonable for a couple who knows their friends’ proclivities to decide that a teenager would be out of place in that environment.</p>
<p>When my kids were teens, they didn’t really care to attend wedding receptions–though they did like the ceremonies–especially if there weren’t a lot of other people their age. It can be a pretty boring evening for a kid. Even if we had travelled to the event, they would have been perfectly happy to stay in the hotel and order room service and a movie.</p>
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This!</p>
<p>We have three boys so I am always looking at this from the POV that no matter how we view things the shots are largely going to be called by someone else (the bride/couple together/partner) unless asked for an opinion. None of mine are anywhere close to this stage, however I have made it clear that they should do what they as a couple wants (no matter how much their grandmother protests).</p>
<p>My wedding was run over my my MIL and I am not overstating this. Her guest list was so long due to extended family, friends from 40yrs ago, that DH and I were able to invite no…count zero…personal friends with the exception of the maid of honor and two groomsmen (the rest of the wedding party was family). My parents were divorced, each handed me a small check, and the rest of the cost of the wedding was on DH and I. So everything that my MIL insisted on was a cost to DH and I. We were 22 and 25yo.</p>
<p>SO, I am determined that they will be able to call the shots at their weddings. If their cousin/sibling/whoever decided the invite request of Mr & Mrs (omitting their children) didn’t apply to them and showed up with their kids I would be hopping mad. It’s not about family unless the couple wants it to be. If they want 200 people great. If they want 50 and difficult choices regarding the guest list have to be made, don’t take it personally.</p>
<p>OP, if your tradition to go go together as a family then I think you should follow this. I’m sorry the invitation wasn’t as clear as it could have been. If your daughter wanted to go, and you all would enjoy the reception, it would be worth calling to clarify, but it sounds like just going to the ceremony and leaving it at that will be best.</p>
<p>MommaJ, are you reading my posts?? I said more than once that I understand and agree that it’s the couples choice what to do! I don’t have to agree with it. I can put up with it. I can smile and nod. Or I can choose not to go - to the reception . Of course I would support them at the church - I said that over and over too! </p>
<p>Shaking head.</p>
<p>I agree with Younghoss…the "and family’ means “adult” family members in this case. A 16 year old would not be considered an “adult.” I really don’t see any ambiguity about a 16 year old. I would not "presume’ that it means there is “heavy drinking”…I would presume that the couple does not care to have young people and they have determined a line of demarcation…which IMO is nicer than saying no one under 12 or no one under 6 or some other delineation. Go and have fun…sounds like you D isn’t interested anyway.</p>
<p>We received an invitation like this once for DW’s cousin. It wasn’t adults only, but is was ambiguously worded (kids were 13 and 15 at the time).</p>
<p>So DW called and asked what they wanted.</p>
<p>It turned out, yes, my kids were invited, and it turned out to be the most incredible, extravagant wedding any of us have ever been to. Think $1000/head.</p>
<p>It wouldn’t have been a big deal (and would of been completely understandable, considering) if the kids weren’t invited, but geez, why spend time over-analyzing and trying to read someone’s mind.</p>
<p>Just pick up the phone and and ask.</p>
<p>I agree it’s time for a phone call. Although I would interpret “Mr. and Mrs. ABasket and Family” as the WHOLE family, clearly there are other interpretations. A phone call will clear things up.</p>
<p>As for not attending the reception . . . I understand there are tensions in your family between H and his sibs (presumably, one of the sibs is the parent of the bride or groom). If one of my sibs came to my daughter’s wedding ceremony and then left, I would be insulted. Unless you don’t care about how H’s sibs feel (and that might be the case) you might think about attending (all kids in tow or not) for the sake of family relations. You don’t have to stay until the bitter end, and certainly if it devolves into a drunken bash, you can slip out before the chairs start flying or the best man streaks the dance floor. </p>
<p>And who knows, you might enjoy seeing Cousin Mary or Uncle Joe who you haven’t spent time with in years!</p>
<p>I frequent a few of the wedding boards, and from what I can glean, brides that throw “adults only reception” on an invitation are trying to keep out children small enough to scream during the ceremony or put their fingers in the cake during the reception. </p>
<p>Brides in general all seem to understand the putting “and family” on the envelope means the family. If there are family members not invited then those that are will be spelled out on the envelope.</p>
<p>I personally wouldn’t be insulted if invited guests came only for the ceremony. I thought that, at least at one time, this was considered acceptable and perhaps even rather nice? As in, “sorry that we can’t spend the entire day or evening at your reception” (for whatever reason - no need to specify), “but we would love to share the joy of your wedding ceremony.” Presuming, of course, that the host was notified properly and on time, and wasn’t counting on those folks to show up for the reception.</p>
<p>People can be touchy about weddings, can’t they? I am way off to one side of the family relations continuum and find it’s easier to get through life with very low expectations of sibs, nieces/nephews, cousins, etc. Obviously other people feel differently.</p>
<p>OP, I too would have found the invitation confusing. One possible interpretation is that “adult reception” was printed on invitations to cover guests with young children, and the person doing the addressing wants “and family” to supersede that. Anyway, I’d love to know what they did indeed mean - please update when you can. :)</p>
<p>One more thing, is the number already filled in for you on the response card? If it says 5, that’s you answer. If it says some other number, well, you are back to asking.</p>
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<p>Yes, unfortunately there are a lot of people who don’t know what constitutes an invitation - which is exactly why the OP needs to call! On the other side, a host can spread the word to anyone she thinks might be uninformed enough to bring uninvited children and/or plan activities and sitters for people coming with small children. </p>
<p>Also, despite the fact that this was sometimes done many years ago (by way of separate reception cards),today it is considered rude to invite someone to a private ceremony only when a reception follows immediately. Miss Manners says it’s no more polite now for having been done once upon a time, and if you google the question the sentiment against this practice seems virtually universal.</p>
<p>Again, as Hunt suggests, there are lots of people out there who don’t do things by the book, so any intent is possible. My only point is that the confusion is a headache for both the hosts and the guests, just what these conventions are there to prevent.</p>
<p>You know, I just realized my D has one couple invited (friends of the groom’s), who have some small kids. (Most of their friends are childless right now.) it never occurred to anyone to say “adult reception”–there are some underage cousins, though I think they’re all in the teen range and totally expected.</p>
<p>I’d be flabbergasted if this couple showed up with kids. It would never occur to me to bring my own when they were young–except for family weddings if they were explicitly invited. That said, I’ll assume D and fianc</p>
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Prepare for your flabber to be totally gasted.</p>
<p>Maybe. I haven’t seen this happen at any weddings I’ve been to, though. Any kids seem expected, or there aren’t any.</p>
<p>I think UCDAlum82 nailed it on the head in post #88.</p>
<p>You just don’t know, ChicagoBear. I’m assuming that abasket’s relatives are classier than mine, but in my family, formal receptions are only for those who can “cover the plate.” which leaves out teenagers.</p>
<p>I went to a wedding the other year and instead of a formal reception there was a picnic.</p>
<p>Everyone brought food just like they would to a normal picnic… The bride and from provided the drinks and cake of course and provided the meats. Everyone else brought a different dish.</p>
<p>They rented out a park and had a band play and it was just an all around good time. Seemed like a nice way to try to keep costs down while having a fun time.</p>
<p>The kids got to go play on slides and swings and they set up a coloring station at one of the tables where the kids could draw pictures for the bride and groom to remember their day.</p>
<p>Anyone else ever go to something like this?</p>
<p>Sent from my DROID BIONIC using CC</p>
<p>Fendergirl, I’ve not seen a reception like that but it sounds delightful. Low stress, affordable and full of happy togetherness.</p>
<p>My niece (my side of the family 
) had a park “picnic” wedding reception - luckily it was a beautiful May day. They provided the food though and it was elegant and yet picnicky - picture upscale outdoor picnic food! They shipped in Jeni’s Ice Cream from Cbus (if you know Columbus, you know Jeni’s) - exotic, wonderful flavors to have with the traditional wedding cake. The wedding couple was/is very outdoorsy and this suited them to a tee.</p>
<p>For grins, I put a poll up on the wedding board asking the hypothetical question on who would be invited if a invitation went out with “and Family” and “Adults only” when the children are 16, 19, and 23. </p>
<p>It overwhelmingly went to all 5 are invited (16 to 1). </p>
<p>Most brides who commented said they would consider 16 an adult(!). </p>
<p>About half pointed out anyone not living at home should have gotten their own invitation.</p>
<p>One pointed out hand written addressing supersedes printed “adults only” notation. </p>
<p>And all said the bride and groom in question sent out a very confusing invitation.</p>