<p>That makes perfect sense, CD. </p>
<p>I still don’t get the “breaking the previous pattern” concept. Who set the “pattern” and how does it take all these other variables into consideration? There are some situations where a wedding is an event where the entire community is invited. Then there are those where its an intimate event with a handful of attendees. Different circumstances-- cant apply a “pattern”.</p>
<p>What about those destination weddings?</p>
<p>CD, yes! We have a limited number of guests possible, and with the size of D’s F’s close family, plus D’s close friends, we realized that yeah, people we’d like to have there do not rate. Basically, they have to have a close relationship with one or both of the couple, or be SO or spouse of someone who is. No one they don’t know. No friends of ours, no work buddies, no distant relatives. No plus one’s except for specific reasons. It’s their event, not ours.</p>
<p>
I would very much agree. I’ll be MOG, hoping I don’t have to wear beige, but other then that am the only, only part I’m dreading is being the gatekeeper of guests over my MIL…oh yes, MIL. I’ll graciously accept a number from the couple, come up with a list to run by DS (make sure it’s everyone important to him), but will have to deal with why 50 relatives from overseas may not be invited, or MILs friends and neighbors. There are 17 great aunts/uncles on that side alone. DH is no help here. I will be the gatekeeper to make sure the people DS wants from our side of the family are there given the number of guests available to invite.</p>
<p>I just want to interject here that we are some MOB’s dream family: 7 guests besides H and I if kept at the aunt and uncle of groom level, only 7 or 8 more if you go to the first cousin plus spouse level, only 4 more if you go to their HS age kids, so no more than 20 family members at the most. And I, as MOG, can make high-end wedding favors at no cost to you, and the cake too (if logistics permit!). Heck, I could even cater the whole thing with some hired help, if push comes to shove. </p>
<p>S is still available! :D</p>
<p>Wish I had a dau, consolation!!</p>
<p>Things have changed a lot since the days where it is safe to assume that you are uninvolved or “off the hook” as parents of the groom. Bride’s parents have the equal expense of college and/or grad school and couples are often older and living independently. I can’t remember the last wedding I went to where parents of the bride were sole hosts.</p>
<p>As parents of a groom I would take my cues from the couple, but most weddings I attend these days are cohosted by family of bride, groom and/or the couple themselves.</p>
<p>I didn’t mean to imply “off the hook” financially by any means. Simply not my event to plan unless invited for any opinions that I would certainly give sparingly. I have two gf’s who have been MOGs in the last five years. After the B&G decided what they wanted and the bride & MOB were underway planning, one MOG offered to pay for certain things such as flowers, cake, and band (with no strings of being involved in their choosing). The other simply gave their son a monetary gift to pass on to the brides parents to help in the costs. In both cases the groom’s family hosted the rehearsal dinner and brunch the morning following the ceremony. They did not consider themselves co-hosts. Obviously as we have learned through these wedding threads so much is regional. But I do agree very much, unless the couple is older and established, hosting the event themselves, the grooms family is almost always helping out financially.</p>
<p>^^^ Agree.</p>
<p>
You may be surprised. In our case, a couple invited guests checked to see if they could bring a +1; a few others just added +1s to the response card: Mr. Smith “and Miss Smith” will attend. I have to assume that most of those who added a +1 just did not know better.</p>
<p>Consolation…I have a daughter!</p>
<p>Blueiguana, As MOG, that’s exactly how how I’d approach it, too, unless it was made clear to me that the couple or the other side wanted us involved in the research and decisions.</p>
<p>I do have to warn prospective in-laws that if they expect us to split the cost of a wedding extravaganza for 200 or something of that nature, they will be sorely disappointed. :)</p>
<p>I haven’t been to any weddings in recent years other than those of nieces, but AFAIK the bride’s family did all of the planning and paid for the wedding and reception in its entirety. The groom’s families paid for a rehearsal dinner. Except for one groom whose divorced parents lived in two other countries. In that case, a friend of the family hosted a wonderful dinner at a private club, and my sister hosted a large buffet dinner gathering at her place (for which I did the majority of the cooking, I might add 
).</p>
<p>Thumper, I think we really ought to start up some kind of FB group or registry for single CC offspring. 
(I wonder if longprime ever found a mate for his S?)</p>
<p>The worm is not officially engaged, tho would like to be. His g/f lives across country, doing postdoc, and the worm still has years of grad school. He’s taking time off this summer to do an internship near S.F. They looked for rings last fall, according to g/f’s mother. </p>
<p>And yes, Jym, my girlfriends want me to do a local reception. While that is a great idea, and I can invite the friends with whom I shared carpooling for years, and the parents of son’s closest friends, I was disappointed. In fairness, one friend does not have children and the other g/f’s girls live nearby. Both work hard and both are dealing with parents in their 90’s.</p>
<p>Maybe your friends will throw a local shower for the worm when the time comes??</p>
<p>We’re paying for the wedding for our D. the G’s family is hosting a next day brunch, and looks also like an informal rehearsal dinner. (the parents are sort of separated, so one is doing one and the other the other.) The planning is being done by me in conjunction with the couple. ONe reason is because the wedding is being held near our second home, so I can have boots on the ground in getting things done.</p>
<p>The guest list, as I’ve said, is constrained by the venue, with no exceptions, so anyone not invited explicitly will just have to stay outside. It’s actually dominated by the G’s side, as his family is quite a bit bigger than ours. We tried to draw fair lines, but have gotten some rumble from MOG about relatives not invited. But the kids are only inviting close friends too, so no one is being targeted.</p>
<p>I think our 90 or so is as big as I’d want in any case; it won’t be an extravaganza, but should be a wonderful event.</p>
<p>However, all your warnings about added plus ones and unexpected children are good; I’ll monitor that closely with the B and G.</p>
<p>^^^
I am also partial to small weddings. My own was only 100 guests as we really only wanted family and very close friends; people who were a definite part of our lives. I don’t think we lost any friends by having such a small list and the extended family that we rarely saw seemed to understand. </p>
<p>During my 20’s and 30’s I think I went to close to 2 weddings a month. I would say that for at least half of those, I have seen the bride or groom maybe once since then. Granted some of the weddings were business related, but still it seems odd to me. My H and I sometimes get Christmas cards and say “oh yes, we went to their wedding back in…”.</p>
<p>Consolation - Let’s talk!! I have a daughter to meet your son. :-)</p>
<p>Garland - expect a few +1 rsvps. I was stunned that we got some, but wised up by the second weddiing. Just have a plan in place on how to deal with it. Also, it’s very possible that some will rsvp yes and then not show up. And these are people who supposedly love and care about you!</p>
<p>I had 100 at my wedding and I thought it was a big wedding. :)</p>
<p>We had no unexpected +1’s at my wedding, but my boss and his partner came without their wives. I’d put them at a table together and it was pretty empty without the missing wives. I think that table had another no show as well. I really thought it was pretty crummy of the wives not to have let us know they weren’t coming.</p>
<p>Since most people are traveling to ours, and have already made reservations and/or put deposits on rental housing, I’m thinking we probably won’t have too many no-shows. Yes, I will keep an eye out for the plus-ones–they will need a polite–um, no. We simply can’t have extras–the venue will not allow it. (and yes, I know we won’t likely be up to the limit, but I’ll use that excuse. It would really irk me to end up with people no one knows, when closer friends/family were not included.)</p>
<p>100 seems like a big wedding to me:) we had 35 or so. </p>
<p>Consolation, we already have the venue picked out for DDs wedding. Now if she would just find a guy, get engaged, and set a date, we’d be all set.</p>
<p>I thought you said you would at least bake the cake!</p>
<p>My daughter is pretty nice…ask Jym who has met her.</p>
<p>I want to say THANK YOU to the many family and friends who did NOT invite our kids to weddings. It gave US the chance to have an evening out with grown ups, celebrating with others. If we want to go out with our kids, we make reservations to do so on our own time…just saying!</p>
<p>We didn’t have any unexpected +1’s at our wedding 27 years ago, but we did invite DH’s uncle’s long term gf. By the time we got to DS’s bar mitzvah, uncle had a new recent girlfriend whom we hadn’t even met. We were having a small group of close friends and family so didn’t consider inviting her. MIL called up to see if we wanted gf’s address so we could send her an invitation - no thanks, we replied. Uncle brought her anyway; guess he just didn’t want to go on a trip alone. We knew it was happening but didn’t want to endorse it.</p>
<p>Oh - would be happy to get DS together with anyone’s DD but have to alert you that he’s been hunting for a job for a looooong time. I’d rather match him with a recruiter at the moment…</p>