I would like a wider group than just the wedding thread to weigh in on this issue. My older daughters wedding was elaborate and the parents of the groom expressed from the start that they want to share costs. Our younger daughters engagement is coming soon ( ring selected, boyfriend working in details of proposal). We plan to have a fairly extravagant wedding for her which she wants and her FF is on board with. We are aware that the future fiancés parents who we are friendly with will not be in a financial position to split costs and we do not expect/ need for them to do so. The last thing I want to do is insult them so when the engagement comes should I approach them to say we expect to pay for the entire wedding? Have the FF talk to his parents? Frankly we don’t want them burdened at all for this as we know his dad wants to retire soon. I know they don’t know our financial position….our homes and cars and general lifestyle is similar to theirs but we live significantly under our means. The FF knows this but has told my daughter parents do not and will feel “ guilty” if they aren’t contributing though he has told my daughter our impression of their financial situation is correct. . Any thoughts about how to approach this?
I would put it all on you and dd. Were the in-laws at the older sister’s wedding to see how extravagant it was? There are traditional areas where the groom’s parents have been responsible, such as the rehearsal dinner. I’d focus on that, and, personally, I’d be a bit self-deprecating.
I would say “We are so excited for FF to join our family. One drawback: Our girls are of the fairy-tale wedding ilk, and we indulged dd2’s older sister and want to do the same for dd2. Now, just because we are willing to participate in the wedding industrial complex doesn’t mean that we expect anyone else to follow us down this trail. This wedding is all on us, please. We’d even be wiling to help with the rehearsal dinner, if you like.” That way, when they say no, it already feels like a compromise, not letting you pay for EVERYTHING.
How would that sound? I do think it would be helpful for FF to give them the heads up this discussion is coming and to say something like, “Please, just roll with it, mom and dad!” Maybe he could even say something like “Trust me, they have been saving for years just for their dds’ weddings.”
We never discussed finances with our kid when he got married not his fiancée nor her family. We gave the couple a pair of generous checks when S told us he was engaged. S asked us to make a $1000 deposit on wedding venue, which I happily did. He also asked he to buy alcohol that he specified from Costco & I happily did that as well (plus returned what wasn’t used for reception and kept refund). We also ended up arranging and paying for rehearsal lunch and my younger sister had day after brunch that she catered & had at her home.
We didn’t KNOW but are guessing MOB (who is young widow with 4 kids and still working full time as a counselor/teacher) may not have much in the way of extra funds. H has been retired for over a decade and we are quite comfortable, financially.
Our S and his fiancée were/are pretty comfortable financially but it was our pleasure to contribute and also give them a generous wedding check. I’m not positive if our checks paid for everything but they were what we wanted to contribute to the couple to spend as they chose—wedding, honeymoon or whatever.
We didn’t even meet MOB (we live 4000+ miles apart) until welcome reception and never talked much with her so that would have been a very uncomfortable conversation, I’d think. I figured the young couple would work things out and our checks would help. The couple is in their mid-30s and have been financially independent for over a decade.
This is not a bad suggestion . They were not at the wedding but have heard about it from FF ( the kids had JUST started dating) And DD showed then the Instagram reel. We really would rather they not even pay for the rehearsal dinner because we know that they would really feel the bite; the dad talks regularly about how he is being as frugal as possible to be able to retire soon. Their older son had a very small wedding amd I know it made them sad to have a very limited number of guests. We intend to give them as many guests as they want.
Can they handle the cost of the flowers? The alcohol? The rehearsal dinner? The welcome party? The hospitality bags? Any of those?? Its not unreasonable for the brides parents to handle the bigger component.
Well, that kind of brings up something that I didn’t post earlier. Personally, I think that if his parents, say, pay for the rehearsal dinner, then they get to decide on what it is. I really don’t think that you can spend other peoples’ money. In other words, even if you have the big ballroom wedding or whatever, if they decide the rehearsal dinner is really a happy hour at a brewery with apps then that’s what it should be. (That’s what we did for ds1, because they didn’t want a rehearsal dinner, but I wanted to do SOMETHING for out-of-town guests and the wedding party, some of whom were meeting for the first time, as well as the bride and groom’s aunts and uncles. It was the BEST time. Ds1 fought back tears.)
Soooo … if you are dead-set on a certain type of rehearsal then I guess I would make that part of the opening gambit. I mean, there certainly still are uber-traditional types who could make the case that a woman’s family always pays for the wedding. I don’t believe that and don’t think you do either, but sometimes it’s an easy crutch to rely on “tradition.”
The “ tradition” ploy was exactly what was suggested by my older daughter for the exact reason you state. Ok another question. My daughter will definitely want the traditional invite saying ‘Mr and Mrs Maya request your presence “. For older daughter it was also “and Mr and Mrs grooms family…request your presence at the marriage of their children….” . What one traditionally says when splitting the hosting costs. I would be totally happy to have the invite worded the same. But when younger daughter and I were discussing she was concerned that they wouldn’t like their friends thinking they were paying for this sort of wedding. Would other here feel like that? I feel like even asking them would be awkward.
Hmmm. Maybe I am uncouth, but i wouldn’t necessarily think/didn’t know that just because both sets of parents’ name were on the invitation it meant that the costs were being split. To me, it meant that the couple felt strongly that they wanted the groom’s parents included, that the wedding wasn’t so bride-centric. But see? That’s another one of those things where we can choose to stand on tradition … or not. Egalitarianism, when we want it! lol
I wouldn’t bring this up now. To me, that can be a later discussion. But I’d have dd2 and FF at that time say something like, “We really want you to be a part of the invitation, but if you’d rather not then that’s OK.”
ETA: Maybe I should check out that wedding thread. I seem to have plenty of opinions!
If the parents aren’t sharing costs but you want the grooms parents on the invite the tradition is:Mr and Mrs Maya request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter Maya Jr to Jake Smith son of Mr and Mrs John Smith.
Ah, that sounds familiar now that you mention it.
So, is it important to your dd that it LOOK like his parents split the cost of the wedding? It’s not just about having them be a part of the invite, as that could be accomplished with the second wording, right? If the answer to the first question is yes, that would definitely make me uncomfortable. Not because people may disapprove of how they think I spent my money but because it’s not important to me that I appear a certain way (wealthier than I am) and I would wonder why it was so important to my future DIL.
No. Daughter doesn’t care about that. She was torn between”would it make them feel slighted to have it clear that we were paying for this wedding not them” vs “ would they not want it to look like they were paying “. Younger daughter is very sensitive to not making anyone feel uncomfortable so this was on her mind ( though we have plenty of time before crossing the invite bridge.
Honestly, I can’t recall the language that S and DIL chose for their invitation but we didn’t care at all. It is their celebration and it was what they wanted. We didn’t think that we should have “more say” because we gave them generous checks and they just did what they wanted. I’m sure there are others who may feel differently.
I also have no recollection what either of my kids put on their invitations. We paid virtually all of younger s’s wedding, and older s’s family felt that since they were hosting/inviting the large majority of the guests, they would pay more. IIRC we paid for the rehearsal dinner (it was on site at the venue), the flowers and the alcohol. We also paid for a party planner for younger son.
My daughter really doesn’t have an opinion on the invite. . We couldn’t give them a check because at this cost that would require a tax disclosure. Besides we don’t view this as a gift to them for their party so much as a party we are giving in their honor. Both my girls were comfortable with that idea and wanted it. We want them to like the party and want them to decide on most things. We have a few non negotiable . For younger daughter there can be no outdoor option. I cannot go through the stress of that again. They can invite as many peolke as they want but don’t have a say in our list.
We covered all the expenses for our daughter’s wedding, except for the rehearsal dinner paid by the groom’s family. I never had a conversation with her future in-laws about finances. We told our daughter we’d be paying, and she likely passed that along to her fiancé, as we were never offered any financial help. The wedding took place on the West Coast, while the groom’s family lives in Canada.
For our son’s wedding, we offered to contribute, but the bride’s family declined. We did, however, host the rehearsal dinner. That wedding was held on the East Coast, in the bride’s hometown.
Both weddings were elaborate affairs.
I would let the FF discuss finances with his parents, not you. He needs to just tell them you are footing the bill.
We never discussed it at all (parents of groom) as her folks immediately hired a wedding planner.
We gave the couple a healthy pot of money and they could decide how to send it.
But for your situation, I’d let FF communicate with his parents. He can also say “ they want to do the whole thing because she wants a princess wedding, even the rehearsal dinner “
They may say “great!”, or we’d like to chip in some. I’d completely stay out of it. You don’t want to embarrass or humiliate him.
S and DIL chose to marry in Honolulu, where S was born & raised even though we told him we’d go wherever they chose, including DC, NYC (where they live), SC (where DIL was raised). We were happy the wedding had indoor ballroom in case weather didn’t cooperate. They wanted outdoors and chose the venue they wanted. We gave them list of people we REALLY wanted and those that we thought would be nice to have. It worked fine. They wanted and had a small wedding with 82 total attendees (including themselves).
I agree with this approach - especially since you are just “friendly” with them at this point. Let FF do the communicating re finances unless he directs you otherwise.
I don’t think you need to create any elaborate explanation as to why you want to have the level of wedding that you want to have for your daughter. I don’t see the need to have a formal meeting with them about costs - unless they initiate. I would have FF communicate that you are taking care of the wedding and they can handle the rehearsal dinner. Leave it at that unless they initiate an offer to pay for anything additional. And then just don’t stress about it further.
I would worry that having a meeting or bringing up expenses with them - if they are more frugal, or don’t have the money to spend, would make them feel uncomfortable.
Another concern could be the number of people coming to the rehearsal dinner. Lately, rehearsal dinners have looked like mini receptions. Gone are the days of just having immediate family and wedding party. Some are inviting extended family, plus-ones, friends, etc. So, I would let them steer that decision 100%, even if it doesn’t fit the vision of your elaborate wedding.
My suggestion…just make your wedding plans for your daughter and her future husband. You can share what you are planning. If the future in-laws offer to pay for something, fine. If not…then you just pay. If they want to contribute, they will offer.
Our DD had a nice wedding. Her in-laws did a very nice rehearsal dinner, made the favors, and MOG custom made gorgeous invitations and provided the postage for mailing them all (and postage for response cards).
It never dawned on me to ask them for additional contributions. I’m not sure I think that’s a polite thing to do…from you as MOB.
But if the future husband and his parents offer, that’s fine.
I should add, DD and SIL didn’t contribute to the wedding costs either, and we didn’t expect that, and we didn’t ask. DD did buy her wedding dress with money she had gotten from my mother.
Me personally, most of the invitations I’ve received lately are the couple getting married inviting the guests. Doesn’t matter who’s paying.
But then I’m not a fan of tradition
All communication I feel should go through the fiance.
I think no matter what is decided, the best course is to remember that you’ll be interacting with the other parents for decades in the future.