I literally just looked at our wedding invitations, it just mentioned my parents, which surprised me, but we did get married 30+ years ago. My parents paid for most, H’s parents paid for the rehearsal dinner and flowers, my parents had more funds (H’s parents were older, second marriage, I was the oldest of 2, H was the oops #3 with 2 married sisters). With our 2 sons, I think it would be less awkward to have some conversations with our sons and get their perspectives on costs.
I do need to clarify two things. First, “friendly” may be an understatement. We did not know the FF’s parents until the kids started dating. But my husband’s brother and his wife did and they are people they see regularly as part of a large friend group. Fairly quickly after DD started dating she told us it was “already serious” and my brother in law and his wife included us in several get togethers with them. FF’s parents have a very small family and we have included them in some family holidays this past year. We have just started to go out as couples a few times. I feel like finances may come up. This is especially true because among the people we know, these discussions are now common. When our older daughter got engaged my friends would even ask me “have you talked to her fiancées parents about costs yet?” Because those discussions are pretty standard in our demographic.
For D1’s wedding the wedding invitation went out as Ms Oldfort and Mr. D1’s Dad request…son of Mr & Mrs SIL’s parents. I was paying for the wedding, but included D1 dad’s name on the invitation.
SIL’s parents hosted the welcome party and their names were on the invitation.
SIL’s parents had limited means, but they offered to pay for extra guests from their side of family because they had a lot more family members. I didn’t take the offer.
When D2 got married, her in-laws were comfortable financially, but they didn’t offered to pay for anything. I had a formal engagement party, shower, etc, which they all participated. What they did was to give them a lump sum of money.
For both of those weddings, I didn’t discuss finance with the other side of family. If anything needed to be talked about I left it to my kids and their Hs. Everything worked out fine.
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Why can’t the invitations simply say, “You are cordially invited to the wedding of X and Y” and leave parents out?
When one of my daughters got married, I gave them a lump sum of money for their wedding to budget as they pleased. I believe the groom’s parents also gave some (I don’t know how much) and they hosted a very small rehearsal dinner too. I never discussed money with groom’s parents with whom I have a very good relationship. It was just directly with the couple.
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It is a more challenging situation because you are friendly with the future inlaws. However, I would simply give them the chance to bring it up and hear what they want to contribute. It may be that as frugal as they are, they have put aside some money for their son’s wedding that they want to contribute - either just a lump sum for all wedding expenses or to pay for the rehearsal dinner.
As for invitation wording, traditionally if the bride’s parents are paying, they are hosts and so are the one inviting. Our invite had my parents doing the inviting (even though we paid for a good chunk of the wedding ourselves) and then “son of” with his parents listed. These days it is fairly common for both sets of parents and the bride and groom to contribute so often the invitation is from the bride and groom “together with their families” or something similar. It may also be that east coast wedding (especially in the NE) have more traditional wording.
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If the subject of finances comes up, then I would address it then versus setting aside a specific meeting for it - but I understand that the dynamic in your demographic may do things differently.
We are pretty close to my daughter’s in-laws - the 4 of us clicked from our first meeting (way before they got engaged) and we never had a joint meeting about wedding finances. As issues came up, we addressed them - usually our kids handled the communication with the respective parent group.
A good friend is MOG in her son’s upcoming wedding. Both families are well off, but my friend and her husband spend frugally and would not be comfortable blank-checking their kids’ weddings. The bride’s parents requested a meeting to “discuss the wedding budget”. They had the meeting at the bride’s parent’s country club. My friend and her DH were not intimidated by the meeting at all and stuck to their offer to host the rehearsal dinner. They didn’t offer to pay for any additional wedding expenses. My friend said that the awkward part of the meeting was hearing the bride’s parents deliberate with the bride about how much they were willing to give for the wedding. My friend had no desire to know how much the bride’s parents were intending to spend and she wished she were not present for that conversation.
It’s interesting to hear all the different perspectives on this issue.
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My opinion for what it’s worth.
It feels like the focus here is on $$$ and not on the special event.
The most important thing in regards to the future in laws - THE most important thing - is that they feel a part of the event and that part of it represents their family/the groom.
I personally think if they want to do the rehearsal dinner or any portion of the event - then they get to do it their way in cooperation with the bride and groom. Let them own it. That is how you build a relationship.
You can have all the fanfare you want but let them be represented in this wedding - not just in $ or not in money at all - but as important family in this celebration.
I have really strong feelings on this and will 
on other comments but no $$ or perks in the world prioritizes people’s relationship or feelings.
They birthed a child, you birthed a child. You have equal personal investment in this union. While I get that $$ is a piece of the puzzle, please try and make $$$ NOT the focus of the planning/decisions.
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I have only been a MOG so far, but I believe we’re in a similar financial situation to what you described about your daughter’s future in-laws — comfortable, but approaching retirement. For our son’s wedding, we gave him a generous check, and the couple (mostly my daughter-in-law) handled all the planning. The invitations included only their names.
My daughter’s FF family is much larger than ours and comes from generational wealth. However, they live modestly, much like you described. Our daughter told us that she and her FF don’t expect us to contribute at all. She said we already paid enough for her private university education, and now she and her FF are in a financial position to cover the wedding themselves.
Of course, we still plan to give her at least the same amount we gave her brother, but it’s not expected. If your DD FF family follows traditional customs and believes you should cover the wedding, they might be relieved by your offer. If not, they could be offended. Personally, I would just give a check directly to the couple.
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I agree that the rehearsal dinner ball is in their court and while you may figure out how to offer to fund it, tradition would say that it isn’t yours to take over.
A possible work around is letting them have a small, early, rehearsal dinner, and you hosting a larger ‘welcome party’ as inclusive as you want, though I would work to not completely overshadow the dinner. While some welcome parties are like mini-receptions, if you emphasize wanting to have another opportunity to see all the far flung friends and relatives coming for the event it might make it more palatable.
Are you having a brunch the morning after?
I agree with those who say that you should only talk with your daughter and her fiancé. Tell them flat out that the entire thing will be on your tab. If the grooms parents approach you, your daughter, or your future son-in-law, they can be told to just give a cash gift to the couple.
A check to cover what we have put aside for the wedding would definitely “trip” the tax gift tax disclosure requirements. Our accountant believes since we genuinely view this as “our” (DH and my) party we are giving in honor of the couple, this is not a “gift” to them the way a check would certainly be.
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The thing my daughter sees with friends is a large very inclusive welcome party ( with a quick rehearsal immediately before it…not any sort of dinner). These parties are not inexpensive but they have a “fun” vibe different than the more formal reception; e.g. takeover of entire upscale pizza place, tapas restaurant, winery etc…
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D married a man whose cultural tradition is that the groom’s family pays for the wedding. That comes with a lot of cultural expectations that SIL wasn’t interested in indulging. We didn’t know his parents, other than going to dinner with them right after the kids got engaged.
We had saved for the wedding and had a budget that the kids could spend as they saw fit. SIL talked to his parents about the vision he and D had for their wedding. They offered to help financially and asked what would be appropriate. SIL then asked us if we’d be okay with his parents paying for half the reception cost (we were). The key was that SIL handled everything with his parents.
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If they aren’t looking at a traditional rehearsal dinner then I would let your D and FF have that convo with his parents and see what their response is. If they offer to contribute great, but if not, you can be free to take on that expense and make it what you want it to be.
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It doesn’t have to be a physical check. I would simply tell them that I’m covering that portion of your wedding expenses, so they can just send the bills my way. I’d write a check for the maximum amount allowed for a couple—which is a substantial sum to start with—and cover the rest based on the budget you give them. Of course, we don’t know how the other parents will react, and it could be seen as either generous or offensive, depending on their perspective.
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Or they can feel “less than”. Which IMO is worse than being offended.
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I have two wedding to help with. In one, we are the lesser than family. In the other, we are the more than family. In both cases, the wedding couple is contributing significantly to the cost.
S1/DIL’s wedding is obviously further along, but it will cost a lot more than S2/DIL2. I’m not sure how much DIL’s family is contributing. They probably COULD pay it all, but I know they’re not. I don’t know how much. It’s none of my business. I am paying for the rehearsal dinner/welcome party. I’ll do the gift bags, the fun newspaper/puzzle thing that goes in the welcome bags (this is the part I actually am looking forward to doing!) I also offered to pay for FDIL2’s bridesmaid’s outfit and S2’s tux. I know FDIL2 doesn’t have a lot, and I don’t want being in the wedding to cause her any stress. I will offer the same to FDIL1/S1 later, but I don’t know if they’ll accept or not.
As far as how much. I know S1 was worried that I’d want to go ultra cheap. Of course, I secretly would prefer that, but I want them to have the wedding they want. I told him a range and he was relieved. I later told him we could go a little higher, and he was happy. Sad thing is it’s probably not far from what my co-worker paid for her two D’s weddings in my hometown. But it is what it is.
S2/FDIL2 are pretty much paying for the wedding themselves. They’ve budgeted a certain amount to save each month for 2 years. Her mom will contribute what she can, but it’s not much. But they’ve found a good location that should work for them. I know it will be beautiful. I told them that I will give them the same amount I gave S1 and their eyes widened at the amount. I know the rehearsal dinner there will be much cheaper, but they can use the rest for what they need. And that seems fair to me.
BUT, if the MOB wanted to pay for the whole thing, I personally would not be offended at all. I’d be relieved. They can do whatever they want! Just invite my immediate family and my aunt. But everyone is so different! I do think it’s best to have the couple talk to the parents. But I think it should along the lines as “MOB wants so badly to do this for the couple, Please let her” vs “MOB doesn’t think you can afford the wedding she wants to have.”
As far as the invitations - I personally don’t care what they say. I usually just scan for the date/time/location and skip the rest. But I think everything should be worded the traditional way or just the couple and their families. Don’t list it by who’s paying.
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This has been interesting. I only have sons. Unmarried, but two with serious contenders. I am not planning on paying for weddings. I didn’t anticipate being asked to split costs. Particularly not cost I have no control over/say in. I was thinking traditionally we would pay for a rehearsal dinner but it would have to be within our means - in terms of extent of guest list and location. I would hope my sons wouldn’t encourage any plans that were not within the means of a whoever is paying. Parents or themselves. It’s one day.
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Can you explain?? Never heard of this one
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