Her sister had one in her wedding welcome bag. It looks like a little 4 page newspaper. Front page has their picture, welcome letter of thanks, the list of the wedding party. recommended restaurants/things to do. Middle two pages has a cute wedding day timeline, the story of how they met, a map of where everyone traveled from, fun number facts (dresses tried, days engaged, etc), a QR code for guests to upload pics, a fun facts page about the couple, some cute guest awards (first guest to RSVP, longest distance, traveled, etc), a wedding crossword. Back page with a crossword puzzle and about their honeymoon.
Just something fun for guests to do in the hotel room. And thatâs something that is right up my alley.
I am a MOG who just married off S2 this weekend. Admittedly exhausted. The comments here make my head hurt. I am confounded by the idea that because your daughter wants an extravagant wedding, that excuses insulting her future inlaws by saying âWe know you canât afford it, so we want to pay for everythingâ which is problematic just because the next phase is âbecause we paid for everything, your opinion on anything is unimportantâ. Thereâs no way to say this without clearly saying what you donât want to say. Then thereâs âweâll give them as many guests as they needâ. Umm, youâll âgiveâ them? Isnât this their wedding too? So you are allowing them to help/participate but only within your rules? Surely this is not your intent.
So. Since you believe what you and your daughter want is the primary importance here, âgiveâ the rehearsal dinner, or the florals, or the bar â some absolutely "their " item to organized and pay for. That way it can be their budget and their portion of the day. You talk to them. Donât start this belabored communication strategy where there are three people between the parent couples. Just talk to them yourself. If you canât face them to say all this, maybe what you are doing isnât the best idea in the world. Maybe you need to think about they pay what they can, you match that, and if your daughter canât live within that, she and FSIL pay the difference themselves?
For context - S1âs wedding we called MOB and said âwe thought we should pay for everything related to the reception and rehearsal because you are retired and we are not, we are in the same town and you are far away for troubleshooting the venue. That leaves gowns, flowers, cake, music â all the fun things â for you and bride to decide onâ We told her what had been chosen and included touches to acknowledge her place. Easier in the unique situation of a single parent estranged from the bride, for sure.
I think bride families are often oblivious to how marginalized and invisible groom families feel. Donât assume anything. Ask. Directly. And be prepared to include ideas or encounter resistance to your own with an open mind. Their son is precious to them. Not less important than your daughter. An equal part of what happens.
Again, I freely admit I am too tired to be tactful or thoughtful. Apologies in advance, I mean no offense to the OP, just offering an inside view. Weddings are harder than you think.
âWhoeverâ can have a conversation with them - not a business meeting - - and say âwe are so excited for this wedding! Do you thought about any parts of the wedding that you want to be especially involved in (that is loose but would mean the planning of or the paying of or both)??? Hear them out.
If they know you have the means or the history of somewhat lavish weddings (meaning not your âaverageâ wedding) they may be stressing on their end and be totally afraid to make a peep regarding giving input or inputting $$$.
I agree, but this may be where the bride and groom have to rein in what they want or expect, or limit the number of guests. My nephew got married to a women who was the third sister (one more to go) and the first had a covid wedding with 50 relatives in the back yard and then the cathedral extravaganza with 250 people for wedding #2. Second sister had a smaller 75 person wedding. Nephew and daughter #3 were having a smaller wedding in a relativeâs backyard but it wasnât a cake and punch thing. We estimated it cost at least $100k (I know the tent was $15k, catered meals for 170 and at one point we counted 25 people serving dinner).
Anyway, my sister paid for the rehearsal dinner and said sheâd pay $5000. Period. Brideâs parents wanted to then host a cocktail party for out of town guests who werenât part of the wedding party (now the âwedding partyâ was 9 attendants, their partners, the B&G, two sets of parents, the relatives hostingâŠabout 35 people) at the hotel after and it was going to be ANOTHER $4k! My sister said no, not on her dime. They ended up extending the party at the dinner venue and my sister paid for the dinner and the couple/her parents paid for the after party (it was mostly the parentsâ out of town friends and relatives). I was not invited even though I live an hour away (Out of town!). My niece who stayed at the hotel was invited to the after party.
So thatâs another option, have grooms parents pay for the rehearsal DINNER, but then blow that up into an after party and you/couple pay for that.
Or grooms parents could host the after wedding day brunch.
Personally, I think a backyard BBQ is more fun, more able to mingle than a restaurant seated meal.
A friend married a professional football player (many years ago, so his salary wasnât huge). His parents couldnât afford to host a big dinner, so brideâs mother just did it in her backyard. Backyard wasnât big and add 10 professional football players to the âfamilyâ sized pool and it was tight, but a lot of fun.
The first thing I did before my son got engaged was to call someone I vaguely knew to ask about the older sisters wedding ( which I knew they had attended via a mutual friend). Hearing that it was a backyard affair, low key, very fun and spirited was VERY reassuring to us. We didnât have to stress that they were planning black tie at the Ritz with swans floating down a manmade river when the last wedding they had planned was such a spiritual, joy filled and laid back occasion. And we offered to (and did) split the costs down the middle after setting a budget.
If you think the other party hasnât already asked around to get a handle on your âparty styleâ I think you are wrong. And if the price you need to pay for harmony is less elaborate flowers because the other side is using a modest florist for their part of the partyâŠitâs a small price to pay.
Down the road there will be (maybe?) the 3 year old birthday party. One set of grandparents arrives with a cute Duplo from Walmart. The other set has a 9 foot custom made dragon (kid is into dragons) and a life-size dollhouse, fully furnished.
Donât think they wonât notice. And they will be embarrassed for YOU, not for themselves.
Find a tactful way to ask what part of the wedding theyâd like to plan, organize, etcâŠif any, and then take their lead
Nobody wants to feel like a pauper at their kids special moments.
We definitely have indicated to DD that the FSILâs parents can have as many people as they want because when their older son married, they were only permitted 10 people based on their financial contribution which made them unhappy, so we want them to know that there will be no limits based on money. DD wants a wedding that is like her sisters which was not really my vibe but we wanted to do what older DD wanted and will do the same for younger DD. We do not want my DD or future SIL to pay anything for the wedding, and they are pleased that we feel that way. As I said, its the normal things among our groups of friends (and I know this is true of FSILâs parentsâ friends because they are close with my BIL) that the brideâs parents ask the grooms parents what they want to contribute. We just donât want them sacrificing to pay for things when we have the funds set aside to fully pay. But we donât want to insult them either.
Maybe I am misreading this. I think the wedding is the bride and grooms day and they should have total and complete say on who is invited to what and what events happen (welcome, after parties, etc.) I am not marginalizing the groomâs family, because the brideâs family is footing the bill. My thinking, and maybe this is not how the world works because I footed the bill for my own wedding and have not been MOG or MOB, is that both families should be treated the same, regardless of who is paying the bill.
Your impulse is lovely. The message that could be heard here though is " we donât want you cutting corners to pay for some chintzy wedding band when we can easily afford the fancy band that our daughter wants".
You donât want them fearing that their son is marrying bridezilla, for whom nothing but the best is enough, and you donât want them thinking that you are doling out dollars because they donât have enough to give you guys the âstatement weddingâ you want. Maybe roll things back a bit so that the disparities are less obvious???
Itâs lovely you are prepared to pay for what you want. But the message could go south pretty quickly. And will set up a bad dynamic from the gitgo.
I donât think the B&G get final say if they arenât paying. My daughter paid for her wedding, and I was an invited guest with a +1. The couple decided they only wanted a tiny wedding (there were 25, including B&G). One reason was that they didnât want thousands of relatives, or the unequal number of groomâs relatives compared to the brideâs. For them, it was easier to exclude everyone! It really was what they wanted.
Many parents want to pay (as OP does) but they want to host their own friends and relatives too. In that case, B&G might get to limit the total number of guests or style of wedding, but the parents do get a say.
At my nephewâs wedding, B&G wanted about 100-125 guests, but the parents (paying $$) wanted to invite many more people so B&G agreed to the 170. They still got to invite their friends, my sister got to invite a few more friends, and the brideâs parents got to fill the circus tent with 50 more friends.
At my nephewâs wedding, they had a DJ, a 5 piece band, the father sang a song to his daughter and played guitar and even the groom said, "This is the Scott show, heâll do whatever he wants.â Really no one felt bad. My sister could have afforded more, the couple could have, but Scott wanted to pay for everything, and went over the top.
But I like the idea of saying âwe created this expectation, weâve been saving since she was born, and you shouldnât worry about it. Enjoyâ
Or you might suggest they give what they can to the couple as a wedding gift as you will with whatever is left in the wedding fund (even if thatâs not true) but it makes it clear this money is saved just for the wedding.
If my parents were paying but felt that in doing so, they had the right to exert pressure on me to get what they wanted in spite of my desires ⊠well, I would thank them for their offer to pay and elope. Seriously, this is not the hallmark of a relationship I would want to be part of.
I know that sounds harsh, but parents who believe that by paying, the event becomes their party ⊠well, they may want to just throw themselves a party and call it a day.
You replied to me so that is making me think that what I wrote is making your head hurt. But I think you and I are almost completely aligned. I was getting ready for bed last night when I was posting so I hope I conveyed my thoughts accurately.
Also, I hope the wedding was wonderful!
To reiterate, I always think clear communication is best. As I think I said last night, I would âownâ the fact that yâall want a fancy wedding and are prepared to pay for all of it. My first comments were in agreement with others that letting FF be the intermediary is the way to go, and if that looks like a bit of an eye roll and beseeching his parents to just roll with it, then so be it.
I also stand by my earlier statement that no one gets to spend other peopleâs money so if you task them with some portion of the wedding you need to swallow your tongue and accept what they do.
I agree that groomsâ families can feel marginalized. I wasnât involved in the planning of a darn thing except my Friday night party and didnât even see the wedding venue until day of. For me, that was fine. But some MOG (or DOG or grooms) might have different ideas and they deserve equal consideration as well. My Friday-night event was so special and didnât break the bank, but because I was paying for it I got to do just what I wanted (with the kidsâ input, of course), and it was great with all kinds of personal touches. That one night was enough to fill the need to plan and be involved.
I think your intentions are good and we all know that sometimes that can come off differently either via text/email or through communication through others vs direct conversation.
It is wonderful that you have the funds to afford without hardship a large wedding for your daughter and agree your messaging is tricky. Your statement that I quoted above is - in my opinion - not your business. It is up to the family to decide what they can and will contribute and you really have no idea (and guessing their son might not either) truly understand their finances. It is their decision along with their son about how they would like to contribute and they should be offered the courtesy and I think this is a great place for their son to take the lead and speak with them about how they would like to be involved and go from there. I just keep thinking how would they feel if they knew these conversations were going on behind their back?
We got married ions ago and my in laws paid for the rehearsal dinner that we planned (they lived out of town) and that was it - that was how we all expected it would be and it was considered standard at that time. As my lovely MIL said, their job is to show up and enjoy the time with everyone
We attended a wedding this weekend that most likely cost $150K + and paid by the brideâs family. The groomâs mother (divorced since the kids were young) paid for a small rehearsal dinner and the bride and groom (both well established in their jobs and own their own home already) paid for a much larger after party as their contribution. My friend, the groomâs mom did feel bad a first about âonlyâ hosting a dinner for 30 people - but she did so much more and the brideâs family included her in dress shopping, meetings with the caterer and many other pieces around the beautiful wedding and reception. The brideâs family did not let who paid what interfere with making her feel valued and part of the wedding. (not at all saying that is what you are doing)
MOG here. S and FDIL are at the start of wedding planning. Through conversation with son I was told that FDILâs parents are paying for the wedding. This came through as I was hearing about venues they were very excited about and I gently probed on budget to ensure S and FDIL werenât going to create a financial situation for themselves. Frankly, though unexpected, I was thrilled to hear it because it means less impact on a young couple as they start out. The combination of whoâs paying and the fact that we are a plane flight away from S/DIL and her parents means that we will not be in the epicenter of planning.
And I couldnât be happier about that.
We get the calls to ask our opinions (which is lovely) and we say âwe are so happy to be able to celebrate with you, anything you choose will be beautifulâ or âhere is the potential list of attendees youâve asked for but you choose who actually gets invited. not our wedding, not our day.â
Iâm very happy for the information to come to us via my son. We like her parents very much but the reality is that our relationship with them is, and will be for life, through our adult children other than some random texts directly to say how thrilled we all are for these two beautiful people.
Weâve told S weâd be honored to host the evening before the wedding (rehearsal dinner/welcome party/whatever it might be) and we will gift them cash which they may use for wedding things, honeymoon, house savingsâwhatever they find most valuable.
Iâm a big fan of âstart as you mean to go onâ. I would not have wanted my parents and future in-lawâs discussing most things directly. That informs how I act with my own kids.
Weddings are not âmy thingâ but I have a couple of thoughts/questions.
I think regarding the future in-laws, communication is very important, but communication with âthe kidsâ is also very important. I think youâre more or less saying âweâll pay whatever âitâ/âall of itâ costs, and we have some ultimatums weâre giving if we payâ (the no outside venue for example). Do the kids want that/can they live with it? I suggest you make sure they understand the boundaries before you get very far.
Regarding the future in-laws, I think itâs important to see if thereâs anything they really care about/want input on, and the initial conversation around that should be with their son or them and the couple, not with you. I suspect the kids already know youâre willing to foot the entire thing, but if not, make sure they do.
If his parents say they are willing to contribute X amount, and the kids can do with it what they want, use it for wedding, save for house, etc., are you expecting the kids to contribute that amount to the wedding, or keep it to use for something else?
I think itâs important to remember itâs not just the brideâs day, but the groomâs day too, and what he wants itâs important. You can be third for what you want, but his family is important too. It may be everyone is fine with a big spectacle or whatever, multi-day celebration, with European bachelorette party, etc. and nobody cares how it gets funded. But it may be they have some wishes too, and they need to be heard/acknowledged.
So what. All that means is you have to complete a form if the gift is more than the allotment for both you and your husband. Itâs really not a big deal.
Unless the wedding is costing millions and millions of dollars, there is not any tax liability at all for either you or the recipient.
I just want to acknowledge @maya54 for putting herself out there and trying to figure out how to handle a potentially sensitive subject, during a time thatâs often happy but full of emotions for all concerned. You may have received more advice than youâve asked for, but hopefully some of our comments have helped frame future discussions and considerations.
See, this floors me. It is how this subject is definitely a âdifferent strokes for different folks â situation.
For goodness sake without the couple there is no wedding! Without their decision making throughout their relationship there is no wedding! Itâs like âitâs your birthday, but I get to choose the cakeâ but x 100!!
As the mother of 3 boys, I am soooo confused. Only my oldest is married, and he did that without his dad or I being present - were told at the last minute and sent photos. The younger two are unmarried but one with a significant other of about 2 years. I thought groomâs parents only paid the rehearsal dinner and contributed to the honeymoon (or paid for it if appropriate)? If either of my 2 youngest want to marry someone who wants a fancy schmancy wedding, they better be able to afford it because my advice is ask parents for house down payment money and have an inexpensive lakeside wedding. If they want an expensive wedding, they better be able to pay for it - signed, mean ole groomâs mom.
I know I already commented on this thread about how with one of my daughters, i gave the couple a lump sum for the wedding and they budgetted accordingly. I did not make any of the decisions. I was there for the dress shopping and came for the food sampling at the venue, but they organized and chose every single aspect of their wedding. I never felt that because i was paying for it that I should decide anything. It was their wedding and my gift to them. As i wrote previously, I did not discuss financing it with groomâs parents. They may have also given the kids a check toward the wedding, but I canât recall or would not know what it was if they did. They paid for a low key rehearsal dinner for the wedding party.
When my other daughter got married (their weddings were just 3 months apart!), I gave that couple the same exact sum of money to fund their wedding any way they wished. Her spouseâs parents were not involved, nor attended. That daughter chose an immediate family wedding, and also had a second ceremony at a religious venue on a different date. While it was way smaller than the other daughterâs wedding, she spent the same amount I gave the other couple, but in other ways, all their choice, such as hotel for several nights (was not in city they were living in at the time), and so forth.
Iâm not in the âcampâ of âbecause I paid for it, I should get to decide various aspects of the wedding/partyâ when the couple are adults. I fully funded it because that was my choice as a parent and my own parents funded my wedding. Back then, my groomâs parents paid for the rehearsal dinner (this was kinda the tradition at the time and in many places, still is).
- and say âwe are so excited for this wedding! Do you thought about any parts of the wedding that you want to be especially involved in (that is loose but would mean the planning of or the paying of or both)??? Hear them out.