That was also the case for our son’s wedding. D was the same way with her (smaller) wedding. Both brides had a vision of what they wanted, and coordinated planning, etc. For S we gifted money upfront. I don’t know how much her parents contributed. D gave us final expenses after the wedding and we reimbursed her the entire amount. (We did pay upfront costs prior to the wedding so she wasn’t floating deposits and set expenses.)
SIL’s parents offered to chip in and we declined. They did take us, along with D/SIL, out for a fancy dinner. We like both sets of IL parents and are happy to have them as extended family!
I think, OP, what you are seeing is that there are many opinions and many ways to navigate this, and you’ll need to rely on your knowledge of all the people to craft what works for you and for them. I think if everyone keeps an open mind, defines their lanes and then stays in them, you are off to a fine start. (Yes, I have had chocolate and a nap since I first posted)
But without the parents’ money, there might not be THIS wedding (this big, this expensive). I’m not saying the B&G can’t say what they want, but what if they want only their friends (and hundreds of them) and none of the parents’ friends or relatives? I think I should get to say “I want to invite my friend who has known you since the day you were born and perhaps you can cut some friends you haven’t talked to since summer camp.”
Most people I know compromise. My friend’s son got married at a venue with a strict limit of 100. Each set of parents was limited to about 20 guests and that included parents’ siblings (I think 2 of MOB’s 4 siblings attended and none of FOB’s). There was a big to-do about the groom’s sister bringing a +1 as she isn’t married or dating anyone. That’s how tight the numbers were.
When D got engaged, we assumed we would pay for everything and graciously accept any offer to split costs. We ended up paying for everything. That was fine. The bride and groom made the decisions on what they wanted ( basically they wanted good food , but not fancy, open bar, good music and everyone to have a good time). The groom’s family are from another country and culture and there were nods to that culture in things like the music, etc.
Bride and groom chose to have no parents names listed on the invitation and have both bride and groom escorted down the aisle by both of their respective parents.
I have attended many weddings. I know that financially the families have been all over the proverbial map. But when I attend a wedding it never crosses my mind as to who paid and how much.
Among my circle of friends and relatives, this will be highly inappropriate. If someone can’t afford a big affair, then have a backyard BBQ which will be fine. Do whatever you can afford and if the other side offers to contribute, then accept but we would never ask.
Once again, we are on the same page. I came back on here to say that OP has some familiarity with the future in-laws and is letting that color her thinking (the story about how “the older son had a very small wedding and I know it made them sad to have a very limited number of guests.”). Sometimes a little knowledge is a dangerous thing that leads to overthinking, which is why I say be honest and clear and assume good intentions. We all do things differently, and you can’t control how they receive what you say or what they think. It’s nice to consider their feelings.
We had some of our parents’ friends (NOT family friends) at our wedding that were only invited at our parents’ insistence. It felt weird to us but they were footing the bill so we didn’t protest. I felt like I was on display to others for my mother’s benefit for much of my childhood, so I’ll admit I have a chip on my shoulder about this. Even if we end up paying for our kids’ weddings, I can’t imagine telling them who to invite. But that’s just me and I understand people are different.
I know I’ve touched on this before but I guess it bears repeating
When my children were younger, when we talking about their life plans, what we would pay for (college), what we didn’t feel obliged to (house down payment, weddings) everyone was on board. We will fully fund your college, your choice, afterwards you were on your own. Any graduate school, your dime. Cars, you. Saving for retirement, that’s on you. Wedding, you will be debt free, will have a good job, it’s your choice.
Who wouldn’t agree with a fully paid for college education? We thought it was a great idea
What I didn’t understand, what my husband had no idea about. Is that our children married another person. One with their own ideas of what parents would pay for and their own ideas about weddings. And that family had a different view, different financial circumstances.
One of my kids married someone who has mid 6 figures of debt. But the parents wanted to pay for the wedding. Bought them a car. Paid for their cell phone service. My kid didn’t have any student loan debt, bought their own car and paid for their own cell phone.
What do we do now? Tried to be resolute with what our kid and we agreed on.
Didn’t work very well. Still a bit worn out about all of that. Paid for things we weren’t on board with but decided that peace and getting along is better than conviction.
For our side of the guest list, I gave them a “must invite” list (my parents, FIL, my aunt and I’m willing to pay extra if needed for them. S2/DFIL2 are already in the wedding), a “I really hope you can invite list” (our siblings/nieces/nephews), and a “it would be nice to have, but there’s no pressure if there’s no room list (a few friends who have known them from birth).
The wedding is relatively small but not tiny. Maybe 60-100? I’m not sure. But I see it as it’s their party to invite who they want. And as an aside. Most people we know from our city wouldn’t drive the 5 hours to the wedding. It’s not done here.
For what it’s worth, they were nearly adults when they started that college road on your dollar and they are adults when their wedding and spouse comes. That was a fine plan for your family and the spouse comes with their own family plan - adults ( who are marrying) should realize it’s not a competition and the offer you put on the table was very very generous.
I guess I’m a bit salty that saddling your child with crippling debt is fine. Because the important thing is having top billing on the wedding invitation!
In no way am I saying that this is anyone else’s reality. Just mine.
Hugs to you. What an amazing start to your kids adult life. For the record, spouse and I paid off the last undergrad loan on our fifth wedding anniversary…we celebrated by grilling hot dogs on the burnt prommissary note carbons. (Remember those? The loan coupon books had carbon copies!).
No regrets for us… But you did your kids a solid that may take time to fully appreciate…
When I got married we paid for our own wedding. We asked both parents for guest lists. We trimmed them. My mother was very upset that I chose not to invite the neighbors and her friends (I didn’t invite my in-laws neighbors or friends either so it was fair in my opinion). But it was our party and our money. It was also very simple back then, a ceremony in a church and a reception afterwards (ended up at exactly 100 people) - no welcome party, no rehearsal or rehearsal party, no after party, and no breakfast the next day. There were a few out of town guests (who I invited fully expecting them not to come but they did). I think one couple stayed at my in-laws house and I don’t know where the other family stayed (there was no hotel package involved).
I think my in-laws did not realize that my parents were not footing any of the bill until right before the wedding. Both sets of parents gave us cash gifts.
It’s so interesting to hear all of these points of view. Weddings among the people I know are extravagant events. Most that we attend are black tie. The first time I heard people discuss a “ child free” wedding as controversial I was surprised. No one here invites children to weddings. Flower girls and ring bearers are whisked away after the ceremony. Most people treat the wedding like we did our older child’s. One where there were a few non negotiable from the parents (from us no veto over the parents guest list from us and SIL parents , no wedding in a foreign country from SILs parents.) but the kids make most of the decisions. My younger daughter knows that I might have a mental health crisis if I have to endure a wedding that was planned for potentially outdoors again. I was a WRECK all week as weather threatened , there was constant discussion about plan B’s and I can not endure that again.
I couldn’t agree more. We are still paying our college loans while my in-laws are wealthy. They just didn’t feel that paying for my valedictorian all-state athlete spouse’s college was a worthy expenditure, I guess. My spouse chose the cheapest offer and worked hard at terrible jobs but still had to take on high interest private loans. I paid off as many of them as I could when we married at 21.
We actually didn’t get salty about this until we were agonizing over how to afford to send our own kid to college. 25 years of just accepting it before we started going “huh, that was an interesting choice”.
In my opinion, you made the right choice, and your kids are lucky (even if others are happy with different choices).
I think some of these choices are based on cultural and social background, family traditions and values, etc. My parents paid for my undergrad and graduate schools and wedding. I chose to do this for my kids, hardship or not. My daughters did not have to pay any college loans. I did. They did not have to pay for any of their wedding expenses. I did. However, my kids were expected to fully support themselves following their final graduation and they have. Not saying my way is the “right” way but it is how things went down in my family in both generations.
Same! My oldest got married in early October outdoors in the mountains of our state. A breathtakingly beautiful backdrop but on any given day temps can go from the 30’s-40’s in the a.m./rainy, sleet, to the 70’s -80’s and sunshine and then back down again. Her wedding weekend weather cooperated for most of the weekend but on her ceremony day, we had that kind of rollercoaster weather. The sun came out in time for the late afternoon ceremony but it was only in the 50’s and breezy. Thankfully, the reception was in a heated tent.
I laid down the law with my younger daughter. No outdoor wedding!