Both of my kids had outdoor weddings.
Didn’t think about that aspect at all.
Never even crossed my mind that it would be an issue. One place had an alternative location. The other, I have no idea.
D and SIL’s late October wedding was scheduled to be outside at a beautiful venue in Northern Virginia. Fall colors were at peak, but you never can tell with weather. The venue had a Plan B ( covered porch) and Plan C ( inside the historic home). Neither D nor I would have wanted a place with no backup plan. Fortunately it was a beautiful day.
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The key is communication and compromise. I hope if and when my kids get married, we can manage that. In addition to family (I only have one sibling but DH has a few), there are some friends who are like family and who I can’t imagine having a wedding without including. My kids have also known these friends all of their lives. The exception, of course, would be if they wanted a tiny wedding with just immediate family. That doesn’t mean I would invite every friend or work colleague I have, just that there really are some “must invites” for a typical sized wedding. I would offer to pay beyond what we would likely gift the kids for those to attend if necessary.
However, I also think folks understand if they don’t get invited due to space limitations or that the kids only want folks they know or at least have met.
Having no daughters, I at first thought we would not be responsible for wedding costs, but my understanding from friends is that the typical way today is that both sets of parents and the kids contribute, unless one set of parents is well off enough to foot the bill completely. Hoping to have this problem one day!
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Very interesting thread. I have both a son and a daughter. I didn’t realize that some parents of sons still believe the wedding costs should fall mostly on the bride’s parents even though, these days, young women are often equally or even more successful professionals. Especially within this self-selected group here on CC.
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I think the problem with the “I’ll pay so my extra guests aren’t on your dime” is that it still adds to the wedding. More people is more than just money – it’s more noise, more people to greet, more tables, more everything. And some B/G want small. Some B/G want to know every person there. There isn’t really a “typical” sized wedding.
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Agree, if the choice is a very intimate wedding, even if beyond just immediate family, everyone would understand no invites beyond perhaps aunts and uncles and equivalents. I am thinking of a more typical for this area wedding with over 120 folks. In that case, the number I am thinking of would not impact the overall size and scope of the wedding. I know a couple that has to accommodate parent requests (mostly on the kid’s dime) which would increase the size of the wedding by about 75 people. I would not expect my kids to do that.
I guess I also think that while the day is totally about the bridge and groom, it is also about family, friends, and celebrating. My DH and I were more than happy to work with our parents to include some (perhpas not all) of those that were important to them, even if I didn’t really know the invitees. In that case, it was some cousins of my parents who did not live in the area and I had barely met. We included some of them, but did not agree to including their kids. While it was my and DH’s day, I also wanted to honor and in some ways thank my parents who worked so hard to give us a good life and be able to help us have a nice wedding.
I also would not insist, as I would not want to impact my relationship with my kid and future DIL, but hope, and knowing them, expect that we could come to a mutually acceptable guest list.
Good intentions around, but so much potential here for angst!
My friend’s son is getting married. She and her H are not interested at all in planning anything with the wedding. They would love to write a check and let the couple choose to spend it however they’d like. Bride’s mom is very much into the planning, into all the details (apparently, insisted on this venue - only one in the area that would satisfy her). She doesn’t want my friend and her H to pay anything for the wedding (will be an elaborate affair) - my friend’s assumption is that bride’s mom is scared they will want to have a say in the wedding planning if they contribute!
Since friend and H don’t care, I told her they should just write a check to the kids and let the kids do whatever they want with it. This wedding has now become what the bride’s mom wants (not even what the bride wants!)
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In our family we have a mantra: Whoever cares most wins. Example: Dh cared more than me about ds1 being in Scouts so OK, but then he is responsible for all that that involves – getting him to meetings, going on the campouts, etc. I cared more about sports so I carried that load.
In my mind, if a MOB has deep-set ideas about how things should go, then I am not interested in a fight. Wedding trappings are just not something that I care that much about. I’m happy to help in anyway asked, but I refuse to get in some kind of power struggle. With ds1, we wrote a check and did the Friday night thing. I think the kids planned everything else themselves. I have no idea how much money her parents gave toward the wedding, if any.
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I understand what you are saying and in many cases think that is an excellent way to handle things. 
But can there also be a 3rd option? Called cooperation??
It is a shame if MOB is so hell bent on getting her way and her choices.
Editing to say, the “MOB” above is NOT referring to the OP! More then comment above.
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Well, you’d hope so! I’m just saying that there is little about a wedding that I’d feel so strongly about that I’d even want to negotiate.
Things that I feel strongly about: a share of the kids’ holiday time, but I’d even be flexible about that within reason. I guess time with grandkids, but we aren’t there yet. Really, other than those two things, I can’t think of something about which I feel so strongly where the kids are concerned that it would require compromise or negotiation.
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Wow, this thread is an eye opener for me. I never imagined that some people’s PARENTS pay for weddings. I paid for both my weddings! (I was the main breadwinner both times…)
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@tamagotchi wrote:
As I wrote in a comment earlier, I think a lot of this comes down to one’s cultural and family backgrounds and traditions. When I grew up, my parents paid for my education and my wedding. In turn, I did that for my kids. (to be clear, once they earned their final degrees, I paid for nothing, except their weddings) So, for me, I sometimes don’t relate to those who make their kids fund their college educations and/or their weddings, but I understand it as part of one’s background, values, etc.
I guess it’s true that my parents didn’t pay for my college education either 
But it still seems more logical to me that a parent would pay for college. College has the potential to make a big difference in a kid’s future life, and generally happens at the same time that the kid is growing up and leaving home, so it feels to me like part of the “launch.” On the other hand, a wedding is a 100% optional party, and it generally happens when the people involved are already self supporting adults.
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That’s why I said it relates to one’s background. Perhaps in yours, it wasn’t common for parents to fund education or a wedding. But in many areas or cultures, it is super common for parents to fund their kids’ educations and to give them a wedding.
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It’s a form 709, which while not straightforward, is also not particularly challenging to complete.
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I know that this is correct. But I have to ask, what if they cannot afford it? One or the other or both?
Any parent who can afford to do one or both is truly very fortunate - it may be the CC norm but not the typical norm.
And I will say that traditions or ability to pay should not trump peoples feelings (like perhaps an in law family who can’t pony up as much - but may be so proud to do what they can)
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For very young adults who get married within a year or few of college graduation, having the money to pay for a rocking wedding is not terribly likely.
I’m most of the way to the conclusion that my generation saw weddings as more family events, and that today’s seem much more focused on weddings for their friends, and in some cases, Instagram. Of course there are exceptions.
Theoretically, a couple should have a say about who is invited/included at their wedding, if they are reasonable. I hear the camp friends argument, knew a sad MOB once whose D wanted so many friends at her large wedding it meant the exclusion of MOB’s immediate family. I don’t think any absolute statements can be made about who pays/who says, like family dynamics, every situation can be a little different.
Also knew a MOG who wasn’t comfortable saying ‘we’ll split costs’ because she had no idea of what the bride and her parents thought was a reasonable budget or to spend on a dress, flowers, decor, etc, and didn’t want to be in the middle of those conversations.
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I thought hard about posting this…D2’s in-laws gave the new couple a check to do what they wanted. They didn’t host a shower, an engagement party, or a welcome party. iMO, it is not that hard to write a check. It takes a lot more effort to plan an event. It is a disrespect to me as a bride’s mom that the groom’s parents did not think enough of my daughter to host an event to show how happy they were to welcome my daughter into their family. It is not a money issue. It would have been easier for me to just write a check for my daughters, but it was a lot more effort to visit venues, read the contracts, taste foods, look at many many dresses, and be there for the meltdowns.
Just to add, D2 used the money from her in laws to pay for the welcome party, but I was the the one who helped her plan it. It would have been nice if they would have stepped up with the couple to plan the party. Writing the check is easy.
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Yes. Among my friends, colleagues and people I know where I live parents always pay for college and the weddings of their kids because they can afford to do so. My kids certainly know it’s a privilege and for my younger daughter who had a group of friends with a more diverse SES in college than her sister, she actively hid the fact that she had no loans.
And we do provide her with financial support in terms of making large annual gifts to her. She resisted at first but our financial advisor wanted us to gift more to our kids and she works a difficult job as a night nurse and is in school full time to get her advanced degree . If we had a kid who we were concerned wouldn’t work their hardest if we gifted her we’d have to reassess doing that. But she is very hard working and the money it lets her live on a safer doorman building and we are thrilled to be able to do it. We put no strings on how she spends the money we give her.