My take away from this thread is that there is no right way to do this!
My parents paid for our wedding and my inlaws paid for the rehearsal dinner. I had next to zero say in any of the plans. The two things that I got to decide is that I wanted a dj instead of a band (which was OK probably because it was cheaper), my dress, and I wanted a salmon option for dinner. I didn’t get to the pick the venue, menu, cake, photographer, dj, flowers, etc… And I was limited to 10 friends (there were 125 people at the wedding). I didn’t know a number of people who were there when people I considered close friends, weren’t allowed to be invited. As such, I’m inclined to give my daughter a check when the time comes. If she’d like my input or wants me to do legwork, I’m happy to do it, but based on my own experience, it’s my way of letting her have the wedding SHE wants. I would hope that her partner wouldn’t feel disrespected.
Just another perspective.
And OP, I think it’s great that you are thinking through all of this and not wanting to alienate your child’s future inlaws. I think having good intentions usually comes through no matter how you phrase things.
OP …not being snarky but curious. What happens to people in your town or social circle who have a financial setback? Job loss, business goes south, primary bread winner is diagnosed with something awful and has to take a low stress/ low paying job?
Every group of high fliers must have a few friends who just can’t keep up with the others.
My town had a bunch of people impacted by the financial crisis in 2009 and thereafter. A guy on my block who died on 9/11…and it was years before his widow saw a nickel from the various insurance payouts, law suits, etc. and then the regular churn of people who had plenty of money until they don’t.
Do the people you describe feel pressure to host weddings they cannot afford? Nobody does a modest affair because that’s what their budget dictates?
Again, there is no right or wrong, but I do think some of us do what was done for us and pass it onto the next generation.
I agree with the point someone made about the age of the bride/groom in terms of what they can afford to pay themselves. I got married while still in undergraduate school, age 20. Not only did my parents throw the wedding and would have likely no matter my age, I surely could not have funded it. One of my daughters got married at age 29, but was just 3 years out of graduate school and would not have been able to afford it, but again, I gifted the couple a check to fund their entire wedding however they wished to plan it. My other daughter got married right before turning 27. She was out of college for 7 years, but in the performing arts, and while she fully supported herself in her field in NYC, she wasn’t rolling in the dough at that point and could not have funded her wedding. But it was always my plan and desire to fund my kids’ weddings as was done for me. Funding their educations and weddings was truly a financial sacrifice, but I felt very strongly about doing these things. Btw, neither of my kids had lavish weddings and one had just immediate family even, though was given same amount as the one who had maybe 100 people.
I fully understand that not all parents can afford to do this. I’ll simply say that I am not well-to-do, certainly not by CC standards. My life situation took a turn after my kids were out of college and I was left paying off their college and grad school on my own and still funded their weddings because I could not fathom not doing this for them as it was done for me. I am not able to retire and I’m now 68, but this mattered to me. I have not helped them in any other way financially since their final graduations, nor helped them with purchasing their homes, which I am proud to say they did 100% on their own (each just bought their second homes, moving to larger ones than their first owned ones in Manhattan, not an easy feat). I had some help with that when I was young.
Everyone does what they can afford or value or uphold traditions, and so on. Truly, no judgement about any of that. Simply, I felt very strongly about providing my kids a start in life with their education and weddings and after that, they were on their own and in fact, have done very well in their careers thus far. I’d say that currently, they can afford things I cannot!
There probably are people that do that. It’s hard to know many people’s situations. But with our group of close friends they are live like us. Wealthy And live under their means. Also many in my town have generational wealth.
[quote]But I have to ask, what if they cannot afford it? One or the other or both?
Any parent who can afford to do one or both is truly very fortunate - it may be the CC norm but not the typical norm.[/quote]
I completely get that. Keep in mind, there are all sorts of weddings in all budget ranges. If money is very tight but some can be spent, there are backyard weddings, small number of guests, potlucks, whatever. As with many things in life, there are all price ranges.
Yes, there are people who may have barely any money for a wedding. But I believe many find a way to even do something simple…courthouse wedding, dinner out, church with small refreshments following in church hall, etc.
[quote]Sure. But that is not the case in this threads scenario. And quite frankly, in many of the posts on this thread.
The vibe I’m getting from many posts on this thread is that a small inexpensive wedding event would not be acceptable for them or their child.[/quote]
I understand, but I was responding only to your comment as to what if parents cannot afford it. That is definitely not the case for the OP, who is the parent of the bride. They can afford it and so there is no issue about their lavish wedding plans.
My point was that a small inexpensive wedding is possible for those who cannot afford something more which is what you were asking about.
Absolutely! One of the sweetest weddings I attended was between two very poor grad students, in their apartment. Potluck food. Thrift store vintage dress. Friends played music, and poured rice and flower petals on the couple’s heads. Another friend got set up as an officiant through the universal life church. Cost: practically nothing. And probably less stress to arrange it than either of my weddings (which were not big budget affairs either, but at least were held at actual venues with catered food etc).
That’s an interesting point of view. It never occurred to me that D’s in-laws would host an event for the couple. But I grew up in a small town in the Midwest and had never heard of an engagement party until CC. So the fact that my SIL’s family did not host an event did not bother me in the least.
So yes, as many have said here, everyone is different.
As for the work involved in a wedding, I can truthfully say that D did most of it. I participated ( dress shopping, meal tasting, cake tasting, all of which were fun) but this is not my forte and she enjoys it ( she is also extremely organized), so we mostly just paid. Fine by me.
Except for their is another set of parents on the grooms side whose feelings and desires and perhaps $ contribution should be considered.
One side having all the cash to pay all the expenses does not solve the feelings, emotions, desires of one half of the wedding couples family.
I have to leave this thread alone going forward. Maybe I’m too empathetic. The writing is SO on the wall to me. Time for bed, and time for me to bow out.
[quote]Except for their is another set of parents on the grooms side whose feelings and desires and perhaps $ contribution should be considered.
One side having all the cash to pay all the expenses does not solve the feelings, emotions, desires of one half of the wedding couples family.[/quote]
In my view, for the OP’s case, which you just described in your post…the bride and groom can ask the groom’s parents if they have any requests or preferences with regard to the wedding. If the bride’s parents wish to, they also can ask the groom’s parents as to any preferences regarding the wedding. I would not directly ask them if they want to contribute funds or not. They can always offer if they so desire. But surely they can be welcomed to share any input about the wedding, and so on. They should of course be considered.
My immediate reaction is why do you assume people are trying to keep up? Maybe people who aren’t " high fliers" , even as a setback, don’t care about someone else’s income or lifestyle? Or perhaps they pity people who spend so much money on a wedding instead of [insert something else]. CC is riddled with wealthy people and it is often illuminating to see the profound differences, but I’m not going to bed feeling badly that I don’t have a wedding coordinator or don’t vacation abroad.
I am agreeing with @abasket in that we’ve sorta exhausted the many many options of answers for the OP.
I agree with you. My assumption is that the folks who don’t care about keeping up …do their own thing. It’s the notion that the OP’s future in laws are going to graciously agree to being mute spectators at a lavish affair…paid for by the brides family, done their way, just because they are perceived to have less money…that sparked my question.
Everybody except the bride and groom are spectators. It is their party, their event. Let the couple ask for help with planning as they see fit, from whomever they want. Who is paying should not come into play.
A friend just was MOB for her only daughter. She herself had gotten married young and says her wedding was completely paid for and planned by her parents. “It was their party, not hers.” When it came time for the wedding planning for her daughter, she and her husband just wrote the checks. She let the daughter have the wedding that she and her fiancé wanted. She and her husband helped as asked - the usual things dress shopping, etc. Not sure what role the groom’s parents played. The wedding was lovely, the happiest bride and groom I have ever seen!
We viewed our DDs wedding as a party we were throwing for DD and her husband. Their view of what they wanted in a wedding was what was considered, and done. We never asked the parents of the groom for anything, but included them in discussions about the event…and when they offered to do something, we graciously accepted.
We never would have put them in the awkward position of having to respond to us asking for them to contribute. And I think that is an important consideration.
Exactly. I understand that many people view the wedding as their bride and groom’s “party”, we do not in what we have offered to do. It is our party thrown in their honor. They have total control over the marriage ceremony (who officiates, who stands up etc…) they only have input (significant and important input) into the party we are throwing them. If our children told us that they did want us to throw a party in their honor, that they wanted to do it completely by themselves, we would attend whatever event (or be supportive of no event…an elopement) they chose to throw themselves. But both couples wanted the big lavish wedding thrown by their parents and understood that this was what it was. We would not seek any money from the bride and groom any more than we would have sought money from our parents when we threw them a 50th Anniversary party in their honor (consulting them on their wishes on a party we controlled.)
It is because in my demographic, the parents of the bride generally have a discussion with the parents of the groom about what they want to contribute…whether they just want to host the rehearsal dinner or want to co-host or just want to pay for one element, that I brought up this question. When the brides’s family can pay for everything they often make that clear. We don’t want to insult them by not having the expected discussion but also don’t want them to think that it is ‘unfair’ to us because they assume it is much a sacrifice for us (in terms of having to forgo a vacation, or an earlier retirement) as it would be for them., when this is not the case.
Our future SiL has one sibling who was married a few years ago. I know it was a small wedding which was paid for by the bride’s parents. His parents were limited to 10 guests which made them sad (something his mother shared with my daughter though not me). My daughter told me she wanted to make sure this parents could have as many people as they wanted at her wedding no matter their contribution and I already told her that this was an ‘of course’
