OP, I hope you feel you are getting good feedback here. I think you’re receiving some pushback for a variety of reasons.
This snipped quote is a very traditional viewpoint. Nothing wrong with that at all, as long as everyone is happy with that arrangement.
However, the disconnect for me is the part about, “in our demographic,” people have this discussion of how costs will be shared. I have no idea what your demographic is, but my question for you is: if the FF’s parents wanted to split costs evenly, to what extent would you,”allow” them to be involved in planning this event? How many choices would you want them to have about details? Even if they matched 50% of what you expect/want to spend, it seems to me that you have a very specific vision for this wedding reception. If you want control over what this wedding looks like, then don’t have the cost discussion with the FF’s parents. Why must this cost conversation occur?
Have the FF tell his parents that you are happily paying for the wedding and reception as is traditionally done. Have him ask if they want to host a rehearsal dinner or (whatever they’d like) the night before as is traditionally done by the groom’s parents. I agree with others that if they want to do that, let them own that event and host whatever they and the couple decide on. If that doesn’t meet with your standards or needs, then host your own additional gathering after theirs. Or at the same time for people not involved in the rehearsal and let the couple/wedding party/others pop in to your event later. Or not.
I do believe you have good intentions regarding their feelings, but (gently) I am sensing you want the majority of control - really in everything. You have to think about how that comes across to them.
I had a MOG friend who was in this situation. MOB wanted total control over the wedding/reception event. It was her and her husband’s party to host, and it was lovely. They paid for all of it. I’m quite certain the couple’s wedding cost $150k, and this was six years ago. My friend did the rehearsal dinner and nothing else. And, in true fashion, she otherwise kept her mouth shut and wore a beige dress to the wedding.
EDIT: It is generous of you to offer them all the guests they want, but I would assume all venues have some sort of total limit on the number of guests.
Generosity some times comes off as condescending…and that’s the implication with various references to the OPs social circle, demographic, " my money my party". So treading lightly is often the better path with folks you’re going to be dealing with for the next few decades.
I have dipped in to this thread (as it is not yet applicable to me).
I am really put off by the amount of financial bragging I’ve read on this thread. It is shocking to me. Let me be clear: what people do is not shocking to me. But publically putting it out there is something else entirely, even though theoretically CC is anonymous.
With our older daughter’s wedding, we split costs 50/50 and each set of parents took control over certain things that were important to them or they were willing to do (I took control over decor, planner, food choices…using the caterer they chose…they took control of music and alcohol, things important to them.)
As for my ‘demographic’ I was referring to the people we know/our friends and family groups. As I noted, by FSIL’s parents are in a friend group with my BIL and his wife and we have overlapping close friends.
As for the venue size restrictions, because it is already important that his parents have as many guests as they want DD and FF already have discussed looking only at venues which can hold a very large number of people (older dd wedding was 300 people and the kids intend to look at places that could hold that. We would not anticipate needing that amount (maybe 250) so this is not an issue.
Let’s assume with this wedding FF’s parents contribute nothing. They will thus have no, “control,” or say-so, correct? That would be your expectation? Just clarifying
I didn’t interpret Maya’s question as at all trying to take control from the FF parents. She talked about the awkwardness surrounding handling finances and how living frugally may have given the impression that the wedding might seem beyond their means.
Even before the proposal, she seems to be sensitive to their needs and desires, including wanting them to invite as many as their loved ones as they want. She also seems to be planning the wedding the couple really wants.
It sounds like this wedding will be a wonderful celebration. When it comes to your question about communication, my advice remains to have significant conversations flow through the engaged couple. They are the reason you are in relationship with FSIL’s parents. And for many years to come they will learn to manage the two sides of their family. FSIL can certainly communicate what you want him to and do it in a way that his parents will hear and understand. That approach may provide his parents with the grace you so rightly want to afford them.
We would certainly give them lots of input and consideration into any decision made but I would likely make certain decisions myself especially concerning the planner we will use. But I would not expect for them to have total control of areas like we did with the parents who were paying half the costs and we split up what each was controlling. (I actually would give them control over alcohol choices because we have no opinion at all as we don’t drink and neither do our friends and I would want them to have whatever they think would be good…but I wouldn’t want them to “hold back” on the cost of this because we were paying…but that again seems awkward to say).
Unfortunately (for this one reason) two of my sons have serious girlfriends because I feel like I should have printed up a card for them to distribute when they started dating - you might not want to date me if you expect my parents to contribute more than a small amount for our wedding, you might not want to date me if you expect my parents to provide input about the details of our wedding unless specifically asked, and even then they will not be strong or set opinions (though my mother will very be interested in hearing about all the details), you may not want to date me if you’ll think that my parents don’t love you and welcome you into our family if they don’t have a specific event to announce it.
Thankfully, my sons know I’m not a huge event person, am not socially competitive, and for the most part have family and friends who will be enthusiastic about whatever the kick off of the marriage event ends up being. In the past couple of years we’ve been to an outdoor bbq wedding, a church/ church social hall with a buffet meal and no dancing wedding, and a multi-day event destination wedding with a served dinner reception. All were fun. All the brides and grooms looked extremely happy to be getting married.
DH and I are very much like you in that we are NOT event people (or “not really fun” as my DD’s would say…lol). But older DD had a blow out wedding because she really wanted that and her in laws REALLY REALLY wanted that (they are “very fun”). DH and I discussed that we want our younger daughter to have the same sort of wedding (which she has indicated that she would LOVE to have but had assumed it was not possible and was fine with that because her BF’s parents could never afford half the cost of that sort of wedding). When we told her that we would be able to do that for her ourselves, she expressed extreme gratitude though was concerned about how to deal with her future in laws, though she likes them a great deal.
I really hope that works out for you. We made it clear with our child.
The other parents said that they wanted to pay for the wedding out of the goodness of their hearts. That they did this for their other child and this is what they wanted to give.
They then wanted to make the invitations from them only, refusing to take pictures with us and making a speech making certain that everyone there knew they were paying, that they were told the wedding couple didn’t want.
After the wedding and making everyone feel that they were the generous loving parents, we were presented with a bill. They didn’t feel it was right to pay for our child’s guests.
To be clear and it’s no one’s business. We paid for other aspects of the wedding. Ones we discussed with the couple getting married
We had no discussion at all with the bride’s parents before the wedding. They are wealthy(2 physicians who travel first class and like fine wine,etc. . My son and his wife paid for most of their wedding themselves They had a clear vision of what they wanted
( We gave them a check for the rehearsal dinner as they wanted it at the country inn where the wedding was .( A rehearsal dinner at the local brewery would have been more my speed).. 85-90 percent, of the 120 or so guests were their friends,which is what they wanted .It was a lovely wedding even though we did not have tons of input.
You just described me. I am not a social person AT ALL. I know nothing about fashion, food, flowers, etc.
But one of the nicest comments I received - actually from the moms of both FDILs - was how much they appreciated that their D’s felt like I welcomed them and made them part of the family. And that was very early on in both relationships. If you love my kid, I’ll make you part of my family. 2-5 years later the wedding is just a formality on that point.
I would have never thought that someone would take offense at me not being all into the details. I did tell S1/FDIL1 that I wanted them to choose the wedding they wanted. And I would help where I could if they asked. But when it comes to picking anything out, I’m hopeless.
I find it weird that parents would choose the alcohol (beyond setting budgets) rather than the bride and groom. I know my kids have very different preferences for drinks than I would (eg what sort of cocktails to serve). And like the menu, I’d think this would be a personal choice for the couple to agree on.
At our wedding, it was the one thing we actually bought (everything else was paid by the parents as we were just out of college) and we made a special weekend trip to a winery that was meaningful to us to buy their wine.
This reminds me of a family story we rarely discuss. My grandparents told everyone that they were so happy to give their D the wedding she wanted. Towards the end of the reception, they told my dad to go home and get his checkbook. They knew he had saved enough to cover his college costs, and they expected him to use that money to pay for the wedding “they” gave his sister. My dad never told his sister, never went to college, never told his parents how hurt he was, and never forgave his parents.
