Dayum, these are some toxic people and crazy stories.
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This was the case (sort of) for my nephewâs wedding. The brideâs parents paid for the over the top wedding. My sister technically could have afforded to pay for half but thatâs not her life style and she would have resented spending the money in the end (with no control over costs). She arranged the rehearsal dinner, consulted with the couple, and then said no to anything else. The parents of the bride wanted to invite another 30 out of town guests and my sister (with her sonâs permission) said no. It was her party, her decision on who to invite and she went with the âtraditionalâ rehearsal dinner of the wedding party (and partners), parents, and like 4 other people. Others joined later and someone else paid. She did not stop the brideâs parents from paying for a ton of other things because that was their money and their choice. B&G just sort of went along with it as long as they got good food and wine, and an ice cream bar for dessert (there was a cake, but no one ate it).
I donât think my sister will pay the big bucks for her daughterâs wedding even though she could afford to. Sheâs been to some big weddings for the children of her friends. Sheâs been to debutante receptions. Sister just doesnât want to spend her money that way. She doesnât justify her decisions, but she sticks to them. If her daughter wanted a $100k wedding because her brother had one (and D;s best friend, and a lot of others from their friend group), my sister would just say no.
My daughter had a friend who got married at the Four Seasons, Walt Disney World. Daughterâs comment? âIt was nice, but just a wedding.â Daughter has been to a lot of weddings. She has had as much fun at a $10k wedding as a $100k one.
Many people used weddings as business obligations, inviting business associates. So many in fact that the IRS has banned this and there is a special code provision that disallows it.
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Our older daughter would have cared (though she knew her in laws who care very very much would make excellent choices). Our younger daughter and her FF do not. Neither are big drinkers and both would be happy for his parents who are more knowledgeable to do so.
OMG! Thatâs horrible. If they want, I want to include them in a way that would make it appear to our friends that we are splitting the costs (by wording the invite a certain way which signals this to the people we know). But DD is a bit worried that they donâtâ want some of their friends to think they would pay for such an extravagant weddingâŠhence my caution on this. I will run the wording by them and have their son talk to them about it.
I think your example illustrates just how variable expectations and even âtraditionâ can be - out of town guests are traditionally invited to the rehearsal dinner in my circles at least. I think itâs actually become less common as more people are living far from family or having their wedding far from family as in many cases the rehearsal dinner can look like a mini-reception when almost everyone is an out of town guest.
With one son and one daughter, Iâve found the thread very interesting. Iâd always planned to contribute the same to both my kids weddings as the whole tradition of parents of the bride vs groom Isnât how I see things. I suppose I should be prepared for a potential spouse of my daughter to have a very different view - câest la vie - happy for them to contribute or not. I have no doubt on who will do the planning as my daughter loves a party and understands a budget.
The thread also made me wonder about other cultures, and my sonâs girlfriend is from a demographic where the groom typically pays. So we may be paying all for both - luckily we have the resources where itâs not a burden.
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How would peple interpret it if the invite was worded something like
Brideâs name and Groomâs name, together with their families, invite you to join them as they celebrate their weddingâŠ..
Doesnât that get past the issue of who is paying? Or is it important that the guests DO know who is paying?
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Thatâs the way son and DIL worded their wedding invitations.
Doubtful most guests care who is paying!
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I donât get why people care who is paying. I mean if you are an invited guest, what does it matter? And if someone hosts a big/ expensive event why do they care what people think of them? Or conversely, if a the event is more modest , why judge that?
I will say it again -I have attended many weddings and have always just enjoyed being there and celebrating the couple.
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No. To my friends and colleagues and the FFâs parents friends and family and my daughtersâ friends that would indicate that the bride and groom and the parents are all paying for the wedding. My daughter would not want it to say that.
SoâŠIs the problem that the invite needs to be worded so that no one thinks that the groomâs parents are paying because a) they arenât and b) they wouldnât want people to think they are but c) you donât want them to feel excluded.
I donât think thereâs wording that works then. Maybe⊠Please join the bride and groom, together with their family and friends, to celebrate their wedding . And then have the return address be a PO Box so no one knows who sent the invite?
That would leave people wondering but might get past the issue. But sounds like that would be something that isnât in line with the type of event you are planning.
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Reading this thread, I am going back to telling my daughter, if she ever decides to get married, she should either elope or do it at city hall with just parents in attendance.
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The problem was that it mattered to me. I sobbed, I pleaded with my husband to pay. We did pay for other things but not the wedding reception. I felt humiliated in front of my family.
The bride and groom didnât want the invitations to be worded the way they were.
It was a condition of accepting the money and was meant to make us feel less than. It felt like a form of blackmail
So actually it mattered maybe more than it should have.
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@deb922 -I can understand in your case why it mattered. The not putting your names on the invitation was nasty of them as was the presentation of an unexpected bill and not including you in pictures. That was people just being awful. My comment was in no way directed at you because your childâs in-laws were just terrible.
I was speaking in general. I like including everyoneâs names ( or no ones), and being inclusive in pictures ( have been left out if Hâs family photos on several occasions).
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Thatâs just awful, Iâm so sorry.
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Haha, they also did family pictures that excluded the spouses. At the wedding
Iâve never seen nor looked at the wedding pictures from the photographer. Itâs an event I donât want to think about.
Not sure why this thread is giving me all the feelings. It feels so personal even though I know thatâs not anyoneâs intention
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In my cultural/religious circles, most wedding invitations have all parents listed and often grandparents whether living or not. Grandparents names are either just their names (means they are alive) or have an abbreviation afterwards signifying âmay they be remembered for a blessingâ, the traditional way of referring to a righteous person who is deceased.
It has NOTHING to do with who is paying for what, not paying at all, who can afford which element. More " modern" invitations will have the names at the bottom, more traditional list the bride and groom as "Jonathan, son of Elizabeth and Howard " and âVictoria, daughter of Eloise and Georgeâ.
I have never until this thread appreciated this custom! Nobody would ever presume to know who is paying for what based on the invite!!!
I think if someone is worried that the event may be too showy or expensive⊠regardless of who is paying for it, the solution is quite simple. Dial it back. Or notâŠbut then donât worry about what other people are thinking!!!
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I have run into this kind of language on a few advice sites:
Both Parents Recognized
Mr. and Mrs. John L. Smith
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Heather Marie
and
Michael Francis
son of
Mr. and Mrs. Mark Franklin Jacobson
Saturday, the seventeenth of May
two thousand and nineteen
at half past four in the afternoon
This one is similar to Two Parents hosting, but the groomâs parents arenât recognized as hosting. They are given credit though for being a part of the wedding day. Again, a tip of the hat recognizing the groomâs parents. This is a great compromise if you want the brideâs parents to be officially hosting (see first example), but you donât want to exclude the groomâs parents entirely.
But of course this doesnât address the initial financial discussions. It does perhaps send a coded message from the brideâs family that they are covering it.
Our wedding invitation included the names of both sets of parents. For us, it symbolized the children of two families joining together. My dad never complained that it made it look like my in laws were paying half - my dad would have said something if he took it that way. My D & SIL had a very simple invitation, and parent names werenât included. I wasnât disappointed, because it honestly didnât matter to me. SILâs parents generously offered to pay what was roughly half the reception cost, and I know that they didnât care that their names werenât on the invitation ⊠as is their cultureâs custom, his parents asked that D & SIL not send invitations to their friends (the parents invited them personally).
Why? Sincerely, why?
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Ha! Thatâs exactly what my D decided to do. Lucky me! Or so I thought. My plan was to just to let them do however they wanted to do. They just want to have a party with friends, no parents circle of any kind. Fine by me. I offered to pay for the party as a wedding gift. But then, the future in-laws wanted to host a rehearsal dinner. I had to counter that with a reception and itâs getting more complicated than I expected. Now I have to figure out how to do a mildly complicated wedding in a simplest possible way. I am guessing a wedding brings out deep emotions. Not in me but in most.
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