Hoggirl has always shown that she thinks things thru and doesn’t ever try to step on anyone’s toes….including her response to the offensive post. It was offensive IMO.
She said she would like to host a party if her son is married away and most people wouldn’t attend. She is so considerate of others feelings, if you’ve read all her posts here and elsewhere, that if she even had an inkling a future DIL didn’t want to be the center of attention, she wouldn’t do it.
So many people would love that and I think it’s a great idea. I would have been all for it. Hoggirl knows how to read a room.
As far as losing/gaining a child, I feel that you do lose something. You are on the sidelines. But if you play your cards smart, you do also gain….a larger family. It’s different, it’s changed….but everything changes.
I love the idea of a beer and pizza gathering pre- or post wedding for people to meet, or just for people who can’t make it to the wedding.
My D will likely be marrying her bf. The live In a European country where it’s quite common to hold a post-wedding party and invite people who aren’t invited to the actual wedding and wedding dinner. But I think she would love the idea of having a state-side party for people who couldn’t get overseas.
I also think a table or wall with photos of grandparents is a sweet idea. Lots of good suggestions in this thread.
Weddings are really expensive and it’s great to think of budget-friendly ways to get people together too.
D1 married here in Texas and had a VERY small wedding ceremony, followed by a dinner attended by an additional 50 people. Her husband’s parents live in another state and wanted to have something where their friends and extended family could congratulate the couple, so they hosted a party at their home for that purpose. We were invited and were happy to attend. I can’t imagine how that could be perceived as a bad idea.
As to paying for the wedding, where I live and in the circles in which we move, it is traditional that the bride’s parents pay for the wedding and the groom’s parents pay for the rehearsal dinner. With D1’s wedding, there was no rehearsal dinner. For D2, we paid for everything involved with the ceremony and the reception, and the groom’s parents paid for a rehearsal dinner at a local restaurant. If anyone was unhappy with this arrangement, I never heard about it.
D2 did most of the planning, and we just signed the checks. DH and I were invited to a tasting at the caterer’s office to decide on menu, and we also got to taste some cake choices at a bakery. I was invited to see D try on wedding dressings, and that was special. As long as D2 stuck to the budget, I was happy to let her make most of the choices.
Even though it is “traditional” that the bride’s parents pay for the wedding in my experience, it is also not always done that way. I’m sure there are all kinds of divisions of the costs here that don’t align with the traditional way of doing things, and that is certainly acceptable. Whatever works for the families involved is the “right way” of doing things. My DH and I shared the cost of our wedding with my parents. I just think that if a couple goes the “traditional” route in terms of who’s paying, no one gets their feathers ruffled because it’s so commonly done that way here. There would not be a lot of hand wringing if the bride’s parents state that they will pay for the wedding, and it wouldn’t be seen as some kind of power grab.
Because my parents were divorced and remarried, and DH’s parents were divorced and remarried, we worded our invitiation to say “Bride and Groom, along with their parents, request the honor of your presence…” As my stepmother said, if we had included all of the parents on our invite, we would have had to say “continued on next page” to get all the names in.
When I was first married, I moved away with DH. Very geographically close to his folks and family, because of our jobs, very far from mine and I was working, but pretty homesick. My MiL and her sisters arranged a picnic and invited all sorts of family friends and family so I could meet them all in a less hectic environment than the actual wedding (most had attended it, but not all were able too, and none of the family friends had been invited). They even invited my mom (who happily declined)
It remains to this day one of the nicest things MIL has ever done for me. She wasn’t showing me off like a cow. She was including me in all the conversations about Susan, Mrs. Somebody, The lady Across the Street, Grandma’s bestie by introducing them to me. “Family” is whatever we decide it is, as big or as small circle as we want to make it.
If nothing else, this thread has proven there are lots of ways to see what is “typical” about any one wedding. In my rural part of the world, it is a little medieval in that families are strongly connected through marriage ties. My son got married last weekend, my mom couldn’t attend, and several of my brothers’ ILs offered to help her celebrate anyway – and technically, they aren’t part of Mom’s family, and surely not my son’s. It was lovely of them.
My niece had a small gathering at her house when my DIL and S came down to visit. They had met in NYC and niece felt it would be nice to have a little dinner party at her place to welcome her to our state. We all thought it was a lovely and welcoming, generous gesture. DIL (then fiancee) was able to speak to a smaller group of my huge extended clan at niece’s home so it wasn’t so overwhelming when she met even more folks at nephew’s wedding.
I’ve been trading this thread while out of town so just now getting a chance to reply.
On invitations, I couldn’t recall so just pulled out both of them and realized that both of my daughters did not list the parents. One was together with their families invite, the other was just the wedding of.
I’m of the age where most of my close friends have married children. The weddings have ranged from small to huge. Some traditional where the brides family paid and others split. A few the bride and groom paid for the wedding. In most instances I know of the bride and groom planned with input from parents.
In my circle of friends who pays depends a lot on ability to pay. I’ve not heard anyone taking the old school approach of brides family pays for the wedding and grooms rehearsal.
For one of mine we paid the majority because his parents (divorced) didn’t offer to pay much. One brought drinks for the rehearsal and the other salad and bread for the rehearsal dinner. We never had any discussion with them about any details of wedding. They invited whoever they wanted. It was annoying as they had about 10 no shows. A number of years in we don’t have any communication with them.
The other we each gave the couple money. I don’t know what the grooms mother gave. We do have a good relationship with her.
I’d let the bride and groom handle the talks with his parents.
When my son got engaged, we told them an amount of money we were gifting them, and wedding size didn’t matter. I know the amount covered costs for the (small, but pretty up-scale) wedding they had. When they were considering invitations, I suggested they go with “bride and groom…” Her dad contributed nothing, because he couldn’t afford it. We did not want to make her dad feel bad, and didn’t need or want the recognition.
My D had wedding pictures of H & me and my parents on a table near the entrance. The table had flowers that had been in the church. It was not front and center … just in the hallway, and people saw it as they passed. She wanted wedding pictures from her H’s side of the family, but they didn’t provide them. I don’t know if maybe they didn’t have any? They left their country due to war, so that is a possibility. I stayed out of the planning, so I don’t know. But D was very careful about including his parents in things & not offending them, so I assume that they didn’t have a problem with the pictures from our family.
Most of my friends have at least one child who is married. But I have no idea who paid for any of the weddings. I have no idea who paid for any of the weddings in my or H’s extended families. I would never ask.
Skipped to the end from a few days ago, please excuse me if this has already been suggested for invitation wording. S and DIL’s said “Together With Their Families (next lines) bride’s name and groom’s name invite you to…” FWIW, everyone chipped in, some more than others. But it wouldn’t have mattered anyway.
This was DIL’s wording. I thought it was perfect! My name doesn’t need to be on the invitation, and it was not too wordy. I believe they did acknowledgments on the wedding program that was placed on the seats.
My sister hosted a welcome party for her son’s wedding. It included everyone who were invited to the wedding. She asked the bride’s parents where they should have it because it was going to be at the bride’s hometown (Bermuda). The parents suggested their country club because it was beautiful and they also got a discount. My sister purposely didn’t do a sit down meal or a lot of flowers. She didn’t want it to look like another reception, but it was a dress up event nevertheless.
My sister purposely didn’t do a sit down meal or a lot of flowers. She didn’t want it to look like another reception, but it was a dress up event nevertheless.