Most couples are not leaving their families of origin permanently. They are forming their own family but hopefully that does not mean breaking ties with their parents, siblings,etc. My DC son and his wife and baby driving to meet his uncle aunt and cousin for lunch tomorrow , about an hour from them. The uncle lives in the Midwest but they are on the east coast now visiting family .
6 Likes
Our D and SIL chose to be married 1000 miles away in a smallish ceremony with family and friends of the couple. Since we could not include our friends, most of whom had watched our D grow up and attended birthday parties, performances, and games over the years, we planned a casual wine and cheese party in our city a few months after the wedding.
It helped with the post-wedding letdown to have something to look forward to, and while the groom had met a handful of these people on previous visits, it gave them a chance to visit on a less busy day than the wedding. It included our guests without their incurring travel costs.
We had wedding photos on a digital frame and gave a short toast welcoming our SIL to our chosen family of friends who supported us in raising our child in a city where we had no family. It was in no way a trophy display, and while some guests sent or brought gifts, they probably would have done so regardless. The coupleâs forming of a new family unit need not require severing ties with the people who helped them become the adults they are (barring abusive relationships, of course). Having other folks knowing them and cheering them on in their life together is a blessing.
9 Likes
They leave the nuclear family for good when they get married and form their own nuclear family. We donât âgainâ our kidâs spouse, we lose our kid. The kids now belong to each other more than anything. After that, they have two sets of parents to consider.
1 Like
@Iglooo we are going to have to agree to disagree on this.
Everyone has their opinions which you have every right to.
My in-laws have friends of many years, I was honored to meet the friends who cheered my husband on during sporting events. Whose children were friends with my husband. Who went on trips together. They were a family of sorts. Just as important to my husband as his aunts and uncles. It was really nice to put a face to the many stories.
Iâm sure my husband felt the same. My kids similar.
And I hope we can move on to another part of this discussion
8 Likes
Our DDs wedding was local to us. And it was local to some of her friends, some of our friends, her husbandâs friends, and her husbandâs family. It was not local for just about everyone else.
The rehearsal and dinner for that were held on a Friday. We had a Welcome party on SaturdayâŠso many folks travelled a long way that day. We just wanted them to come and enjoy a light appetizer dinner, and a relaxed and informal time with everyone. Most of the wedding guests were at this.
The wedding was Sunday at 4:00.
In terms of invites, we had 125 guestsâŠwell actually 123 because two couldnât come at the last minute. DD and SIL were very specificâŠthey wanted only people who they could greet by nameâŠso guests had to have met them more than a couple of times. This did include some of my work colleagues who are also good friends, but they had met the bride and groom more than onceâŠit did not include any of DHs work colleagues because the wedding couple didnât know them.
The bridal couple wanted to be able to actually say hello to every guest, and they did so during the receptionâŠgoing table to table at some point. They didnât feel a larger crowd would enable that to happen. And they didnât want to introduce themselves to strangers at their wedding.
We had no trouble keeping the guest list on target. The bride and groom gave their lists firstâŠto me, because I was handling the count. Then the grooms family and our family added who we wanted to add.
Ours was an evening wedding and children were not invited. Some folks asked, and everyone was fine with hiring a sitter for the night. We also offered to have a sitter at the venue in a dedicated roomâŠand zero people chose that option.
2 Likes
Every family has different dynamics. Some are very close-knit, while in others, the kids canât wait to get away. So the idea that youâre marrying into a family is very real for someâand meaningless for others.
4 Likes
Our kids and their SO come to have lunch with us every week. As I mentioned earlier every family has their own dynamics.
5 Likes
The wide variety of feedback one receives on CC boards is one of its greatest qualities.
@Igloo A few points to clarify:
-
I would never force a future dil into this.
-
This gathering would not be a second wedding! Something casual and fun. Jeans, beer, appetizers or pizza!
-
I thought I was clear, but I would not invite anyone who wasnât of importance to our ds in his growing up years.
-
This gathering would include his friends who have remained in the area as well. I would anticipate this to be 40-50% of folks invited. Yes, some of those might travel to a wedding (some likely be in the wedding party, even). Many of these friendsâ parents are now our friends made through years of all attending school or church together. Ds went to a small high school. Many of the parents of his friends are now among our very closest friends. To this day, we often gather for parties - parents and adult kids.
-
My expectation is that if we invited 100 people, 70 would be able to attend.
-
I am in total agreement with the concept of, âleave and cleave,â and that the bride and groom are starting their own nuclear family which is the most important. But, I donât see that quite in the way you do, which seems like a false dichotomy to me. It shouldnât be new spouse OR our parents. It should be new spouse AND our parents. I would hope my attitude wouldnât be, âByeeee!â when my ds gets married.
-
My intent would not he to parade dsâs new bride like a cow. Goodness! My intent would be to share the joy that my ds has found a wonderful person with whom to share his life.
-
I wouldnât expect a separate trip on the part of ds and new bride for such a gathering. It could be in conjunction with whenever they were coming to visit anyway.
None of these may persuade you that my idea is a good one. Thatâs okay. We can agree to disagree. I just wanted to elaborate a bit more.
16 Likes
Wow, something seems to have struck a nerve here.
My ILs lived 2.5 hours away from my family. They threw us a party (no gifts!) for all the people who wanted to congratulate us and could not attend the wedding. I could not wait to meet my future DHâs neighbors, âchurch ladiesâ and others who were part of his growing up, plus my MILâs dear friends.
And at the same time, while we were forming our own âfamilyâ (of only 2 people for a few years) we really enjoyed going to barbecues and holiday dinners at my aunt and cousins. He most certainly was welcomed into the âsurf cityâ family. We all have different circles of families: my cousins on my dadâs side, on my momâs, our chosen family-friends etc.
IMHO, more is better! More people to have in your circle! Were we supposed to just hang out as the 2 of us in our new surf city+DH family? Forget about all the cousins, aunts, uncles etc we shared the first 25 years of life with?
7 Likes
You know I didnât mean it like that at all. Of course, you keep them. Bye doesnât mean shut yourselves in. It means bye to the old ways before our kids have their own family. We now have to consider them as a unit. Our expectation has to be modified. Thatâs not so hard to understand, is it? I never said you shouldnât have a party if you enjoy it. Thatâs not the point at all. In Hoggirlâs post, it was all about what she would like it to be. Nowhere it was mentioned how the bride may feel. To me, it didnât sound all that different from a mom taking over a wedding. For my D, my guess would be she will be horrified at the thought. If her future husband wants to do a party to catch up with his friends and introduce his wife in his home town and she does the same in her hometown, thatâd be a different story. They will be hosting the party not be guests of honor in a party thrown by in-laws, with guests chosen by in-laws. Some people like being guests of honor. Thatâs great. But what if you donât? Should you still be dragged around for your inlawsâ sake?
1 Like
My kids know how important some of my work colleagues are to me. They are people I have spent 50-60 hours a week with for 10 plus years. Even though sheâs never met them older daughter was aware I would want to invite them and was shocked when her fiancĂ©e said at the get together immediately following the proposal that he didnât want anyone at the wedding one of them hadnât met. Daughter was going to say something about it but before sge had a chance fiancĂ©s parents were like âthats ridiculous we will be having people you donât know ( new friends since they moved), get over it. â So neither Dd nor I even needed to bring it up.
I give up. I clearly said nearly half of invitees would be friends of my ds, whom he would choose. If my ds and his bride donât want a gathering in their honor I wonât have one.
I feel bad because Iâve derailed @maya54âs original post. So, I apologize for that.
5 Likes
No apologies necessary. I find it fascinating to learn more about how other people view weddings. Admittedly live in a bubble. Indeed my older daughter told me that until she attended the wedding of someone who is not Jewish recently she did not realize that in real life people actually only have their father And not their mom also walk them down the aisle. She also said she didnât know that grooms didnât walk down the aisle with their parents. She thought that was something only shown on movies/ TV and not something that really happened.
6 Likes
And how do they get to meet your friends (relatives, co-workers) if you donât somehow introduce them at a party or dinner?
At my daughterâs very small wedding, I was the only one who got a +1. My daughter insisted because itâs hard for me to travel alone right now (I could have done it with other daughter in the end but when making reservations we werenât sure when Iâd travel). Her financeâs brother didnât get a +1 because heâd only been dating his girlfriend for about 4 months; his parents WERENâT happy and brother didnât come (not for that reason, but Iâm sure it played into his not trying very hard to get off work). Dâs single girlfriend didnât get a +1, and one whose husband couldnât come didnât get to bring a substitute guest.
Even mine was limited. My daughter didnât want me to just invite anyone so I brought her godmother, the person who traveled to China with me to adopt her, so godmotherâs known her just a few minutes less then I have.
Daughter wanted to know everyone at her wedding of 23 guests. it is different with 200 guests.
3 Likes
@maya54 -I have mentioned this before on cc but when H and I married 45 years ago in a church, we both walked down the aisle with both respective parents. My best friend had done this at her church wedding 2 years earlier. ( her MIL was from a Jewish family, so perhaps that was where she got the idea?)
H and I escorted D at her wedding and SIL was escorted by both of his parents. That type of procession just made sense to us. And that wedding was officiated by an Episcopal priest.
5 Likes
Same here.
3 Likes
I donât understand a negative reaction to a family who hosts the new couple at a celebration of some sort with local friends. In SOME cases, the actual wedding may be very far from their hometown and so many people that they would have enjoyed having there would not be able to attend, or maybe the number of guests was quite limited, or it was a destination wedding that few could travel to or pay to attend. I think it is rather common in such situations for the parents of one of the newlyweds to either host an engagement party in their home area or a celebration of the couple in their home area after the wedding takes place for their local friends/family who for whatever reason would not have been able to go to the wedding particularly if it was far from their hometown. I didnât do this, but I understand why some might. I donât see that at all as parading the new DIL or new SIL in front of the hometown crowd. It is simply a celebration for those who were not at the wedding for good reason (such as great distance to where the wedding was held, or limited invites to the wedding, etc.).
10 Likes
Husband and I escorted son down the aisle when he was married also. I really liked that.
5 Likes
Hmm, I donât entirely see it that way. Yes, the couple starts a new nuclear family but will always be a part of their original nuclear family. As the parent of married kids, I felt like I gained my kidsâ spouses and grew my nuclear family. I feel I now have 4 kids, not just my original two. Even though they formed their own family, they are very much a part of my nuclear family. As a parent, I believe I welcomed their spouses to my family and am grateful for that happening to them with their spouseâs family.
16 Likes