Sure, invite whoever you want but you can’t write off the wedding.
I worked with a woman who claimed over and over that her father had used her big, fancy NYC wedding as a big business write off. He may have, but if audited it would have been disallowed.
DS and DIL also had a table with photos of grandparents. I don’t remember if it had flowers but the table was set up.
I am slowly realizing that how weird wedding practice is. It is gross to use a wedding as some kind of business event. It reminds me of medieval times. When royals were marrying kids off to expand their influence? It’s a bit better but it hasn’t really been updated to modern times. These days, by the time kids get married, they are fully standing on their own feet. Given that, wouldn’t their wedding fit better if it is kids’ affair not parents’ party? Making wedding a family affair seems so arcane.
Well, dad invited all his law buddies & others to our wedding, which is how we ended up inviting >1000 people. At least he paid for dining costs of all his guests and his friends donated many of the flowers and made rosebud headbands and bouquets & boutonnières. It was easier for us to just let everyone invite whomever and pay for their guests.
We had a memory table with photos of DS and his dad, DIL and her mom at similar ages (toddler, school age, teen). We did not include the missing grandparents.
I guess mine should be called a memorial table. That’s really what it was.
After reading this thread, I dug out D’s wedding invite and hers was worded similarly. We never discussed for one second, or cared, what the interpretation would be as to who paid.
My D planned her entire wedding from top to bottom. I accompanied her to look at venues and, at her request, found a reasonably priced florist after insanely priced quotes from other florists left her frustrated (flowers were very low on her priority list as their wedding was outdoors in the fall with the natural fall foliage providing a gorgeous backdrop for free). My D and SIL know how to plan a great party - our friends still talk about it.
D and SIL invited 200 - each of us was given 50 people to invite (DH & I had 50, in-laws had 50, D had 50, SIL had 50). In each case, some of the 50 were family members but otherwise we had complete autonomy over who we wanted to include on our list of 50. Dh and I only invited DH’s business partner - no employees or other business associates. D’s wedding was more or less a destination wedding (90 minutes outside of our city) so anyone coming had to get a hotel for the weekend. It’s a lot to ask casual business associates who don’t know the B&G, to make that commitment.
If and when ds gets married, I imagine we would have very few people we would invite. I actually kind of ran through this yesterday because of this thread, and assuming he marries out of our state, I could think of a total of 18 people we would want to invite. First of all, I would not dream of inviting someone that our ds did not have a relationship with growing up, much less someone he didn’t know at all. Secondly, our family is very small. Ds is an only, I am an only, dh has one sister who also has an only, and dh’s mother is the only living grandparent. Thirdly, assuming travel and overnight hotel needs would be part of attending his wedding, I would only invite people who I felt had the means to comfortably attend.
If he married out of state, I would want to have a meet the bride party at some point here in the area where ds grew up. I would expand that list considerably, but I still wouldn’t invite any friends of mine ds didn’t know. Between our friends and ds’s childhood and high school friends who are still local, I could see that necessitating inviting 100 people. This would be a strictly no gifts affair and clearly indicated as such. I cannot stand a gift grab.
Not sure I’d be happy if the bride was my D, having her paraded to in-laws’ acquaintances. I am sure she’d be happy to get to know people important to her fiancé and loved by him, and will be in their life going forward but not his parents’ random friends. She isn’t marrying his parents. She is not a cow on an auction or a trophy that was won by the family, hey look what we scored? That’s gross.
My sister’s first wedding was depressing, frankly. Dad insisted on inviting 20+ colleagues who all rspv’d and didn’t show up. I’ll never forget those empty tables.
I had 60 at my wedding and thought that was plenty. We only invited close friends, immediate family, grandparents and my close aunt, uncle and their kids. My husband invited no aunts or uncles because he had about 20 of them. Only my siblings’ kids were invited. I didn’t want many children so I asked my mom to let the cousins know, if they asked, that the venue couldn’t accommodate many people. They showed up sans kids.
When the time comes, I will probably ask my kids if we can invite a couple of close friends and their kids whom they have known since they were 3 and 5. But if they say no, I will be fine with that.
On a different note, my hubby’s niece eloped (didn’t invite parents even), because her dad, my husband’s brother, is part of a big family. It’s almost impossible to invite one or two siblings and not the others, impossible to invite some cousins but not others. They had bought a house recently and I am guessing didn’t have the money to spend on a wedding for parents, at least 12 aunts and uncles and their kids, along with the groom’s family, plus their friends. My own niece had a covid wedding with two witnesses and no family.
When the time comes, I might well ask folks here how my kids could handle a situation like that, but really, I think the bride and groom should almost exclusively dictate the guest list. If one of my kids chooses to invite some aunt or uncle and not others, I won’t be wild about it, but it won’t be my choice.
Hard disagree. I hope my future DIL would appreciate the sentiment that it takes a village and wouldn’t take such a negative POV toward our village.
ETA: The original post has been edited so my response may not match what is now written. I’ll leave it here anyway. Throwing a party for my future DIL to meet family friends doesn’t make her a cow.
I did not read @Hoggirl ‘s post that way at all! It was more like a celebration of the couple, for people that they did not want to have to inconvenience by inviting them to a faraway wedding.
Fostering a positive POV may start with you. Not subjecting the bride to a second wedding, this time entirely made of groom’s guests. Young people these days are professionals with a full schedule of their own. They have work, they have their own friends to entertain. Being respectful of their time and asking not too much will help. I’d be just so happy if they make my xmas every other year. I wouldn’t dream of asking they do a second wedding for my sake. About that taking a village. I have a feeling we parents will need more of their help with our care than they need our help given that we are getting older faster than they are getting married.
@surfcity Celebration of the couple for people the couple barely knows? That is for the enjoyment of in-laws, not for the couple. The bride has to meet and smile to 100 guest? And thank you in-laws for such a wonderful event? By all means if the bride is delighted to do so. Check first if the bride feels that way.
Who said a second wedding? This doesn’t have to be a big deal.
Example: My son’s in-laws came to visit us and our state for the first time last year (should be noted that we get along really well and kids weren’t here). I arranged a happy hour at a little place so that they could meet the friends we always are talking about and the friends could meet them. Two hours of sangria on an outdoor patio with some appetizers and about a dozen people. No one was “subjected” to some horrible event. In fact, the MIL posted about being in town prior to the event, and turns out one of their old friends from Hawaii was here so we invited her, too.
Agreed that it’s all about having a positive POV.
100 guests amounts to a second wedding in my book. The only thing missing is an officiant.
It also probably depends on the disposition of the B&G. For someone like me, it sounds like a nightmare. For people who never met a stranger and like to be social, it can be great fun. And then every variation in between.
my kids’ events will be 3-5 hours away from home. We aren’t asking for any of our friends to be invited. Space is limited too. But it helps to not have many friends! Even if it was in town, I would only have two coworkers invited. H would have 1-2 as well. They’ve all known the kids since birth. There are a few more that the kids may invite themselves because they know them as coaches and teachers who they consider now as friends.
I completely agree that it COMPLETELY depends on the disposition of the bride and groom as well as how close and integrated they were with their hometown community. Both my kids were heavily involved in ECs where the kids and mentors are incredibly tight knit. I can absolutely see my kids wanting to have a casual affair to celebrate with people who they wouldn’t necessarily want to ask to fly to an out of state wedding. I’m actually really hoping they ultimately decide to marry out of state as otherwise the guest list is going to be STRUGGLE. The last robotics kid that got married probably had 40 affiliated members or mentors at their wedding - including us!
You might be surprised at how many people are willing to travel if they have enough notice. My DC kid’s wedding was in hunt country in northern Virginia, over an hour from them. They had friends fly in from all over. Even many of their DC friends had to get babysitters for their young children and paid for hotels as it was a no kids wedding. They invited about 140 and few declined. We were about 4 hours away and bride’s parents were a plane ride away . My sons have both been to many bachelor parties and weddings that involved travel and hotels. Denver son is actualy flying to California this week for a friend’s wedding.
Most guests at son’s wedding were their friends. We invited 2 couples as did the bride’s parents. People that knew them since childhood. Neither set of parents had any kind of pre wedding party.
My nephew got married two years ago and the bride decided, after experiencing her older sister’s Long Island wedding, that she absolutely did not want her mother involved. So they paid for it themselves (nephew had cashed in a bunch of Google options) and made it a destination wedding in Saratoga Springs (they lived in Brooklyn). Friends could take the train up, her family could drive, and our much smaller side had to fly in.
Brother threw a “hearty hors d’ouvres” reception in a hotel conference room the night before but the immediate wedding party went out for a dinner afterwards. (The bride did not want anything major because she thought it would overshadow the wedding itself. The couple did drop by to say hello.) We were not immediate so I found an excellent Italian restaurant and husband, son, and I went out ourselves. Couple hosted brunch in that same conference room the day after ( and I think they and friends had an after party the night before).
I can’t find the invitation but I’m sure it was just from the couple. And arrived later than ideal because they were so fixated on the perfect font and graphics!
Oh, and crossing threads, they gave out hand made soaps and had gold flip flops in baskets at the dancing after dinner.
While I am at it, I don’t get this “Welcome to family” thing, either. It’s not like Kate Middleton marrying Prince William and move into the castle. Kids are forming their own family and leaving their respective family. Permanently! What do people mean by welcome to family? Shouldn’t it be more like Goodbye and wishing you the best?