Wow, this thread is so interesting. I am ignorant of these types of wedding planning situations. I can say that hubby and I will 100% just give our kids some cash for their wedding and they can do what they like.
So my suggestion is give your daughter and her fiancée a lump sum of wedding money and let them do what they like. I’d let your daughter and fiancee have any conversation with fiancée’s family about what they want to contribute.
It never occured to me, my husband or my parents to have any discussion with my husband’s family. Hubby and I paid for our own wedding. My parents gave us “whatever” money as our gift. We simply invited his immediate family to the wedding and they showed up. They all came from overseas and spent money just to be there, so that was their gift. No rehearsal dinner either, but all the parents met for dinner before the wedding and my dad paid, as he could afford it.
I guess times are different now. We might be a big disappointment to our two kids
I think @Lindagaf hit on something here. Because you have experience with your older dd’‘s wedding, you know how much a wedding like the one you envision costs. Give the kids a check or budget that you know would more than cover the amount and that’s that. FSIL tells his parents that y’all have been really generous and that they think that the budget will more than cover everything that want. He can tell his family that if they want to contribute as well they can although he doesn’t think it will be necessary. OK, that bridge is crossed. Just as you can’t spend the other parents’ money, they can’t tell you what to do with yours. Done. Finished.
Then when it comes to the other potential issues – size of guest list, whose names are where on the invitation – the money doesn’t enter that conversation. The kids ask, “Can you provide us with a guest list?” No need to tie it to money. If they ask whether there is a limit, kids say no. When it comes to the invitations, kids draft what they prefer and show to both sets of parents and asks whether that’s OK. Again, the wording doesn’t need to be tied to money and who is hosting/paying, etc.
I like the idea of giving a number for a budget because if you frame it as we are paying for the caterer and the planner and the band and the invitation and the blah blah blah then money becomes the focus each time. Having the money talk once keeps it from being an ongoing source of conversation and perhaps stress and misunderstanding.
I think it’s interesting that there have been many opinions for this forthcoming wedding.
@maya54 has made it clear what she and her husband are doing
They are paying, they aren’t going to give a sum of money. I think although I’m not completely sure that they are somewhat certain how the invitations will be worded based on the monetary contribution the other party is contributing.
The only advice being asked is how to approach a conversation with the other set of parents. How to approach that this is their vision, this is what they are going to do and how to word that to the other parents. That they are welcome to contribute a little or half depending on their comfort. But that won’t change the scope of this wedding. They want to be respectful to the other parents.
That is exactly right. As I said, for us, and this is common among people we know, the reception is a party WE are giving in honor of the bride and groom. We want them to love their party. We will take into important consideration what they want. But it’s our party. That’s why we have certain non Negotiables. All but the first and last were ones we gave older daughter too: Not outside. A venue that fits the guest list , rather than vice versa, no family pictures during cocktail hour that causes me to miss it ( which means a first look before the ceremony) , substantial food at cocktail hour, table decor that doesn’t block people’s view of each other, food choices table side, not on rsvp cards, printed menus, quiet music when main course served for 20 min.
As I said, we view it as akin to the 50 th Anniversary party we gave in honor of DH’s parents. It was their anniversary. We took their desires into serious consideration. We wanted them to love it. But ultimately it was a party we were giving. We wouldn’t have just said here’s money. Feel free to plan your own party (MIL was young enough at that point to have been able to do so).
As for the invite we will word it one of two ways. Either Maya and Michael Lastname And Susie and Sam Lastname, request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their children OR Maya and Michael Lastname request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter Mayadaughter to Sam Jr son of Susie and Sam Lastname. This will not be based on payment but the preference of the future grooms parents. The first would signal to the people we and they know that it was possible/likely they had paid for a good chunk ( up to half) for the party. The second would signal that they had not. It was my plan to do the first because I thought it was nice until DD pointed out that they might not want their friends to think there was any possibility they paid for such an extravagant wedding.
Very beautiful venue. Just curious-what would happen if the groom talks to his parents and they want to do something much less extravagant? Like a rehearsal dinner at a local brewery or pizza place? Would you be okay with that if it did not fit with your
vision? Will there be a welcome party?
Your daughter knows her boyfriend’s parents much better than random internet strangers
And that will be found out
I’m not sure that guests would assume that the parents contributed half of the money spent on this wedding just because they names were co listed on the invitation
Like I say, that’s something to be ironed out in the future
I have a slightly different opinion about the wedding though. It is my kid’s day. They should make the decisions since it’s their day - not mine. I fully expect to pay for it and would like to be included in planning, but they are not my decisions to make (and yes, I would know how to throw a beautiful wedding with similar criteria). I had MY wedding when I got married years ago. I would love to be asked for input and included throughout the process, but not my decisions.
I am also a traditionalist in that I expect to pay for D wedding… and certainly will offer to pay for S wedding, but also will offer to stay the hell out of it. Looks like I am an outlier in that I like traditional invitations. They can be pretty, but they should also be consistent with the type of wedding (formal, informal, garden, beach, etc.).
Loving reading all the different thoughts and stories. Was a great conversation starter with husband as we are not there yet!
We would love (and I believe the bride and groom would too) for the welcome dinner (everyone invited) to be more casual and laid back then the wedding reception. Older daughter’s was at a fun tapas place we rented out in its entirety and all of the speech’s except for the parents and the bride and grooms were at the welcome dinner so as not to take up too much time at the wedding. This seems to be how most of DD’s friends did it and we liked the idea. My one and only non-negotiable was that it end by 10 pm. The bride and the bridesmaids had to be up at the crack of dawn for hair and make up and I didn’t want them exhausted. DD resisted at first but told me she was very grateful for that rule the next day! Her sister already wants this.
@maya54 What are your thoughts about avoiding this invitation dilemma as to the wording and it implying who paid for the wedding and simply wording it that "you are cordially invited to (or “the honor of your presence is requested at”) the wedding of Bride’s name, daughter of Bride’s parents’ names and Groom’s name, son of Groom’s parents’ names?
Also, do you feel it is imperative for you to ask the groom’s parents what they wish to contribute or could you either: 1) go through the kids, with the groom approaching his own parents and letting them know the bride’s parents wish to host/pay for the wedding; or 2) asking the groom’s parents a more general question as to if they have any preferences or requests with regard to the wedding, and they can either offer to contribute money or not, but are not put on the spot about the money aspect.
It may seem obvious, but the way it was written, I would want to clarify that you mean you cannot invite business associates to a wedding with the plan to write off the wedding as a business expense? Because surely the IRS is not in the business of dictating whom a parent can invite to their child’s wedding.
Yes. My partners who have a great deal of business definitely invite business associates to their children’s weddings. I only invited my work colleagues who I am very friendly with. It was 5 of my co-workers. (i have known most for at least 20-30 years)
My husband invited a few “business associates” of such long standing that they had truly become friends, even though they still do business together occasionally. My D’s only rule was that we did not invite any of our friends whom she didn’t know at least casually, but preferably, people she had known for many years.
My D felt the same way. She didn’t want people she didn’t know or never met at her wedding. Based on that, my H invited his former business partner, his lawyer (also a close friend), and his administrative assistant. I invited the husband of my former boss (my boss passed away two years ago). We invited 5 couples who were our friends. D knew them all.
I’d say 95% of the attendees at the wedding were friends of my D and SIL.
The only issue that came up was with H’s sisters. D invited H’s sisters, spouses, and kids (her first cousins). One of the sisters wanted to bring her husband’s 16-year old grandson, who she and husband are raising because his daughter lost custody of the young man. H and I have met him once and he seems like a nice young man, but D has never met him. H’s sister refused to attend if the grandson wasn’t invited. (There were relatives with whom he could stay). One of D’s other cousins has kids who are in college. She asked if the kids could bring their significant others (boyfriend/girlfriend). D said no (she barely knows the cousin’s kids.) As a result, this cousin said she wouldn’t attend. When she wouldn’t attend, D’s sister and husband ended up not attending because the drive from OH to MA was too far for them to drive alone and D’s sister refuses to fly anywhere.
To add to it all–after this happened, my stepdaughter asked D if she wanted to have a wedding celebration in Ohio (stepD lives in a suburb of Cleveland) and include all of these folks who didn’t attend the wedding. H’s sisters and their families live in OH and PA and they all were willing to go to Cleveland. The event is slated for the third weekend in August. Too much family drama!! I like Miss Manners comment–people should accept that not everyone is invited to everything.
When my older daughter got engaged, her fiancée told his parents the same thing. They said “Sorry babe, that is not going to happen. We will be inviting whomever we want” He does not argue with his parents unless its important to my daughter and she knew I would want to have some of my work colleagues who I spend huge amounts of time with and would hear me talk about the planning quite a bit but she has never met.
At her wedding guests were 40 percent groom’s parents friends/colleagues/family–40 percent bride and grooms friends and 20 percent DH and my friends and family (cousins etc…even though our DD is close to them were in our numbers)
Please, please, please don’t ask his parents what they want to contribute!!!
I would have been mortified and not liked that at all!
I’m certain they know what the “traditional” things are the groom’s parents typically do and pay. If you hear nothing, then just tell your daughter you are more than happy to pay and let her talk to her fiancé. That gives them the opportunity to step in (or not).
We didn’t tell our son and his fiance our contribution fur about 6 weeks after the engagement to give us time to decide what to do.
We had a table that had nicely framed photos of some the grandparents and great grandparents who were no longer alive. It was set with nice table linens, and we had two vases of hydrangea on the table.
