<p>As a soon-to-be bride, I’ve been encountering a lot of ideas about wedding etiquette that have been really been shocking me. The most recent one I have been encountering is the idea that wedding guests should cover their plate - that is, the gift that they supply should be equal to or in excess of the value that it cost the host to have that guest at the wedding. I have encountered brides who have expressed shock and outrage because certain relatives ONLY gave $50 gifts when they paid such and such per plate. </p>
<p>I am out of touch with reality to be shocked by this, or is it becoming common etiquette that you shouldn’t attend a wedding if you can’t afford to give a gift in accordance to what has been paid for your meal? A cousin of mine was married over the summer and I think we gave $30 cash or so and a nice card, but that was all we could afford (my fiance and I were both working in a factory at the time). She requested no gifts specifically because she lives in Germany with her husband, who is in the military. According to these brides I shouldn’t have attended because I couldn’t afford to pay the $130 or so that was the actual cost of the two plates (which was highway robbery if you ask me but that’s another issue entirely). </p>
<p>I was under the impression that the general idea with wedding etiquette is that the guest should supply a gift that he or she can afford, and in return the bride and/or groom should reply with a gracious thank you note, regardless of the monetary value of the gift. </p>
<p>Do I need to be schooled on modern wedding etiquette? Also, related but somewhat tangential, is it rude or in poor taste not to provide wedding favors?</p>
<p>I remember being surprised when I first read of this, of course here on cc-ha! I do think it is somewhat of a regional thing, especially on the east coast. I had never heard of it here in the midwest. Then again, the weddings I attend are more likely to have a pig roast than rubber chicken.</p>
<p>The whole cover-the-plate thing is a guideline – but it should be followed only IF one can afford it. No bride and groom should ever expect a certain amount as a gift or turn their nose up at you if you didn’t give that. Obviously guests come from different backgrounds and have different amounts of discretionary income. If you are invited as a guest, give what you think is appropriate, considering your pocketbook, your relationship to the couple, and other personal considerations.</p>
<p>The thing I never understood about the cover-your-plate guideline is, how do you know how much the bride and groom have paid for your plate? Especially if you’re buying their gift before you even go to the wedding?</p>
<p>I think it’s a really stupid guideline. We’ve given way more than cover the plate, and sometimes less (if I had to make an educated guess), depending on how close we are to the bride and groom.</p>
<p>I’m another east-coaster who was appalled by the idea of cover your plate. None of my family ever heard of it; it exists among some groups, I guess. It’s ridiculous. Give what you’re moved to and feel comfortable with. Anyone who feels different can deal with it. (And i say this as a perspective MOB who is paying for the plates.)</p>
<p>Same here. Such a mentality is something I’d expect from a spoiled toddler raised in a barn.* Not a well-adjusted adult with any sense of class and basic social graces. </p>
<p>Wouldn’t have even occurred to me to imagine anyone involved with weddings would have such expectations.</p>
<p>*Shoutout to Pizzagirl for the barn phrase. :)</p>
<p>Count me among the east coasters who think the cover-your-plate thing is ridiculous. The wedding couple decides what to spend per plate, and the wedding guests decide what to spend on the gifts. </p>
<p>And count me among the generation that actually finds wedding favors of any variety in very poor taste. A wedding is not a child’s birthday party.</p>
<p>I’m not even going to read the rest of the thread before replying.</p>
<p>This is not “etiquette.” This is vulgarity.</p>
<p>This is not an “east coast” thing. I was born and bred in CT. This is vulgarity.</p>
<p>Just ignore this crap. It is vulgarity.</p>
<p>Opinionated, much? :D</p>
<p>No, it is not rude or in poor taste not to provide wedding favors. Wedding favors are common in certain cultures. I had literally never heard of wedding favors when I got married. (Nor–until I saw The Godfather–had I ever heard of giving money as a wedding present or–worse yet–having a bride collect envelopes.) I say this as a chocolatier who devoutly hopes that people will order wedding favors from me. :)</p>
<p>Well…count me as an East Coaster who thinks it is a fair rule.</p>
<p>Cover your plate was NEVER intended to apply to family members or close friends. But if you’ve been working awhile, especially if you work in a small office, you may end being invited to a co-worker’s wedding because it would be awkward not to ask you. It may well be that there are 10 people in the office. 8 are really close friends. 2 are also friendly but not as close. But it’s awkward not to invite them. It’s not unlike the situation with elementary school kids where you end up inviting the entire class because it might really hurt the feelings of the 2 or 3 who would not be included.</p>
<p>In that situation, the unwritten rule is to decline the invitation or go and give enough as gift that the bride and groom aren’t out of pocket for having invited you. You usually have a pretty good idea how much the wedding will cost from where it’s being held.</p>
<p>Again, the “rule” does NOT apply to family members or close friends. It is also perfectly acceptable to decline the invitation and not give a gift at all. </p>
<p>Oh, it applies in spades if you bring a date…especially if the invitation does NOT say “plus one” and you ask if it is “okay” if you bring your significant other.</p>
<p>We attended a wonderful beautiful wedding last year. The bride’s parents were longtime friends of ours and we were thrilled to be included. I can’t even begin to guess how much it cost per plate. It was very extravagant. I don’t think we could have possibly covered our cost (2 plates!) without embarrassing ourselves. Maybe endowing a chair in the couple’s honor?</p>
<p>Is a full sit-down dinner at a wedding reception more of a regional thing? I’ve attended many weddings in my 51 years and can only recall one small, intimate wedding at which the guests were fed dinner at the wedding reception. I’m used to wedding receptions with cake, punch, mints, nuts, finger sandwiches and a cash bar. Weddings are so expensive. I would much rather a bride and groom save their hard-earned money (or that of their parents) for a down payment on a house. It seems to me there is a lot more stress in wedding planning these days. The whole idea of inviting people to a wedding should be for them to share in the joyous occasion, not keeping tabs on who “covered their plate”.</p>
<p>Give what you can afford. Plus… being realistic here… many, many brides & grooms aren’t covering the whole cost of their wedding anyway. They parents are! So you are putting something in the pocket of the bride & groom, not the people who paid anyway. I will also say that a bride & groom should not throw a wedding that they can’t afford, period. Throw the same party you would have even if you got NO gifts would be my philosophy. It isn’t about the presents!</p>
<p>On co-worker invites referenced above–Well, I still don’t get it. That seems weird to me. No one invited to a wedding should be there on the assumption that their dinner is contingent on them paying–everything about that seems wrong to me.</p>
<p>I had never heard of the cover the plate rule until I came to CC. How do I know how much a plate costs? I give what I think is a decent gift and let it go at that. If you can’t afford to invite me, don’t invite me.</p>
<p>I personally think favors are a big waste most of the time. Have you ever been to a wedding and been disgusted because there were no favors? I haven’t. Although if Consolation was making the chocolates, I might think differently. </p>
<p>I find that weddings today come in all kinds of flavors. Bride and groom get married, people have fun and that is all that really matters.</p>
<p>We’re throwing our D’s wedding and we are funding what we can afford–we do not expect reimbursement and will not be taking a cut from the presents. (why is everything so mercenary these days???)</p>