<p>I’m pretty sure I’ve seen a pirate-themed wedding on one of those wedding shows. </p>
<p>I considered a Halloween wedding, briefly. I love Halloween.</p>
<p>
Good to know for future reference (not that i anticipate doing anything like this again anytime soon). We didn’t have a lot of choice where we live (small rural town) and with fairly short notice and wilton was what they had. I only ordered the molds a week before the wedding when we became concerned when we found out our wedding planner had not ordered the chocolate shells for the cake. In the end, she did get them in time so we decided the large shell favors would be fun. We did them in marbled blue and white and they turned out really pretty. (the chocolate shells for the cake were supposed to be marbled as well - they were real chocolate and very tasty but WP ordered white ones and blue ones instead of the marbled ones my daughter asked for)</p>
<p>My D didn’t do favors at her wedding. We did have welcome bags because it was a destination wedding and all of the guests were spending at least one night away from home. Our wedding planner referred us to someone who put these welcome bags together; her price per bag seemed high. So, we decided to do it ourselves. We got bags and raffia ribbon from a craft store and then filled each bag with: bottled water, a map of the area, a small guidebook for the area that we put together–things to do, places to see, restaurants and stores. We included a ferry and airplane schedule (the wedding was on an island). Other items: chocolate covered cranberries (local specialty), a deck of cards, and a wedding itinerary–where and when, along with our phone numbers. </p>
<p>Some good friends of mine (who came out early) delivered the bags to the guests at their lodging so that the bags were there when the guests arrived. Younger D and I had planned to do this, but when my friends volunteered, I was thrilled. Also, my husband’s secretary (who came to the wedding) got the assignment of calling the guests whose lodgings we didn’t know about, so that we had a list of where the guests were staying. My friends said they had a great time driving around and delivering the bags.</p>
<p>The olive oil was actually very good, I’m not sure everyone realized they were supposed to take them home (there were almonds in fabric bags at each place setting…oh and the biscotti/cookie station as well). And the tops were sort of loose, so if you needed to travel you might have a problem.</p>
<p>The discussion about favors got me wondering about their history, so I spent a little bit of time with Google books today, and was surprised to learn how far back the tradition went. At the risk of revealing the extent of my geekiness, I thought I’d share some of what I learned. (I love social history!)</p>
<ol>
<li> Wedding or bride’s favours have a long history in Great Britain, where the term referred to decorative ribbons, flowers, or other ornaments provided to guests and others to be worn pinned to a woman’s dress, or on a man’s lapel or hat. </li>
</ol>
<p>The OED defines “favour, favor” in this sense as follows: “A ribbon, cockade, or the like, worn at a ceremony, * e.g., a bride’s, coronation, or wedding favour*, in evidence of goodwill . . . .” (The term “cockade” refers to a ribbon-shaped rosette, often with streamers; think of the first-prize ribbon given out a horse show.)</p>
<p>The OED’s references for this usage go back to Shakespeare and Pepys: </p>
<p>Shakespeare, Henry V, “Here Fluellen, weare thou this favour for me, and sticke it in thy Cappe.” </p>
<p>Pepys Diary, 1667: “Observing Sir W. Pen’s carrying a favour to Sir W. Coventry, for his daughter’s wedding.”</p>
<p>Apparently, in 19th century Britain, these favours became bigger and more extravagant as brides’ families competed to outdo each other, sometimes making them out of silver or with fresh flowers instead of ribbons. I saw one report of silver wedding favors in 1812 passed out to over 800 people at a cost of 1.5 guineas each (about $100 each in today’s dollars.)</p>
<p>Here’s an image of a 19th century British wedding favor:</p>
<p>[Wedding</a> favour | V&A Search the Collections](<a href=“Wedding Favour | Unknown | V&A Explore The Collections”>Wedding Favour | Unknown | V&A Explore The Collections)</p>
<p>Thank God this fashion fell away! </p>
<ol>
<li> A separate and distinct tradition was to pass out boxed pieces of wedding cake, “bride’s cake,” or “groom’s cake” for guests to take home. Here’s what Emily Post ‘s 1922 edition has to say on the subject:</li>
</ol>
<p>
[quote]
In addition to the big cake on the bride’s table, there are at all weddings, near the front door so that the guests may each take one as they go home, little individual boxes of wedding cake, “black” fruit cake. Each box is made of white moir</p>
<p>Thanks, nottelling–very informative.</p>
<p>An interesting element of the “cake in boxes” tradition is that an unmarried person who placed the cake-box under his/her pillow at night was supposed to dream of his/her eventual marital partner. I received one of these little boxes once.</p>
<p>Another interesting element is the idea of “black” fruit cake for the wedding cake. Is this common in the experience of other posters? This seemed to be the practice in Britain about 35 years ago. The fruitcake was “spiked” and covered with white icing. At American weddings I’ve attended, I have only encountered white cake of some type with white frosting.</p>
<p>notelling, thanks for the fascinating background. (I love the V&A. Have to go there again…)</p>
<p>QuantMech, I recall the “cake under the pillow” thing also. The tradition of fruitcake as a wedding cake was still alive in the UK when I lived there in the 60s, but the US had moved on to more ordinary cake. (The British “Christmas Cake” was also a fruitcake, also covered in fondant and elaborately decorated in Royal icing.) </p>
<p>I gather from what I read that I am one of the few people who love fruitcake. 
I also adore plum pudding, and used to make the real thing and steam it, age it bathed it in booze, etc. Alas, I can no longer eat either one, thanks to T2.</p>
<p>nottelling, thanks for the link to Emily Post. I read the whole thing. I now know what Miss Manners read before writing her first book.</p>
<p>My southern sister-in-law insists that you have to have two cakes at the wedding and one is definitely a fruitcake. They call them bride and groom’s cake. My recollection was that my brother insisted his cake be chocolate so that she had the fruit cake with white icing.</p>
<p>My cake was white, but had a red rasperry gellee with white chocolate swirls. It was incredibly tasty, everyone raved about it, but it was not at all what I was expecting. I swear I pointed at a picture of a white chocolate cake with boring flower decorations. What I got was much more my real style.</p>
<p>V and A was always one of my favorite museums, though I think the last time I was there (a long time ago!) I had to fend off a dirty old man - he was actually perfectly charming until he wanted me to come see his etchings. Actually he was reasonably charming even afterwards - he did take no for an answer. :)</p>
<p>I can’t imagine going to a wedding and spending one second caring about whether there were favors or not. I’m sure I’ve been to weddings that had them, but I can’t remember any of them.</p>
<p>I had groom’s cake (the cut up and preboxed) at my wedding. That wasn’t uncommon back then but I haven’t seen it in years. In my day, wedding cakes were always white (inside and out) – chocolate was Just Not Done --but I think it’s great that there is so much variety today both in flavor and in decoration.</p>
<p>Friend’s son got married 4 years ago and they had a groom’s cake. My friend hadn’t heard of it but her DIL wanted one. It was the norm at weddings in DIL’s family (and she had a huge family–7 siblings). I didn’t even notice it until another friend pointed it out. I’ve gone to a number of weddings in the last 5 years (my kids and friend’s kids are at the age–late 20s) and this was the first time I’d heard of the groom’s cake tradition.</p>
<p>I think grooms’ cakes are pushed by bakeries just as cocktail hours are pushed by wedding venues. A number of “traditions” are the result of good salesmen. </p>
<p>I was married in 1986 in the south and had a 3 layer cake - one vanilla, one chocolate and one spice. No one there had ever seen anything but a white cake at a wedding at the time, but then it seemed that every wedding I attended had multiple flavor cakes. The trend has continued to swing back and forth since.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>When we got married in the 70s, we did a groom’s cake that was fruitcake and which the guests took home. This, as is mentoned above, a British tradition and was also common in Canada. So, since I was marrying a Canadian and we had many Canadian guests coming to the U.S. for the wedding, we did this as an homage to them. :)</p>
<p>Our main wedding cake was white but my Ds who are married all had cakes with a different flavor for every layer. And no groom’s cake!</p>
<p>When I was growing up in England the only wedding cakes I encountered were heavy fruitcakes covered in marzipan and royal icing, usually 3 tiers. They were soaked in booze and thus lasted well - I’m not sure the exact tradition but I think one layer was kept for the first child’s christening? Or am I making that up? Certainly they lasted a long time! I never went to a wedding where the little boxes of cake were given out, but they were routinely sent to family and friends who didn’t attend the wedding.</p>
<p>I didn’t know that groom’s cakes were a tradition that went back so far. I always assumed it was just supposed to be something for the groom to counteract the boringness of the regular wedding cake. By the way, I’ve never attended a wedding with an entirely plain vanilla on vanilla cake. The closest had raspberry filling. It was also terrible because it was a super elaborate cake and it was apparent that its flavor was past its prime. </p>
<p>I’m back with more general questions, though. I’m feeling kind of stuck and overwhelmed. It has become apparent that the only way I’m going to get the venue set up in time is to have a lot of help from friends and family. But it didn’t occur to me that this setup is supposed to occur at the time when I should be getting ready. It’s looking like I’ll have to have my hair and makeup, and then change into the wedding dress on site at the last possible second in order to possibly make setup happen.</p>
<p>Alternatively, I am researching into hiring a day-of coordinator, but this doesn’t come very cheap and my wedding budget is pretty shot at this point. I really thought I was getting a deal on the caterer, but since I went for barbeque, all of the logistics of setting up that are usually handled by the caterer come down to my family and me. I have no idea how this is all going to come together and I’m kind of starting to worry.</p>
<p>I also got the news today from the venue representative that because there will be some new exhibits that are not moveable, we will probably not be able to do long banquet tables in the space. So now I’m back to round tables, and worrying that my centerpieces and table settings will all be dwarfed. Plus that takes me back to having to pay for all of my tables to be rented. </p>
<p>I’m kind of frustrated because at this point, with how far I’ve got over my projected budget at the onset of planning, I could have had more traditional caterer and venue and not have to worry about pulling this all off at the last minute. My fiance is really glad we’re doing what we’re doing, and he would rather have barbeque and this venue than anything else, but I still feel frustrated with myself. I just can’t seem to find anywhere else to trim the fat. </p>
<p>As far as day of coordinator, how do you determine whether a wedding planner is a good match? One of the people I’ve contacted is asking a flat rate of $25 per hour, but it’s unclear yet whether she’s including preliminary meetings in that. She doesn’t seem to have a lot of activity on her Facebook and has no reviews online, so I get the impression that this is a side project for her or she is inexperienced. Another is offering somewhere around $800 for the whole service, but that’s a tough pill to swallow. Can you put a dollar value on peace of mind? </p>
<p>Sorry for the rant. I really wish I had some help with this and not just people insisting that I need to be doing more than I already am.</p>
<p>hyperJulie, I also organized everything for my own wedding, and cooked the food (except the cake), arranged the flowers, etc. I did my own hair and makeup, such as it was. And while I was getting dressed, people were banging on the door and asking me for extension cords and the like! (My mother had locked herself in her bathroom.) Really the only help I had was that my sister helped me cook the last minute things and arrange flowers in baskets for the tables. I found that the more you do yourself, the LESS help other people give you. It astonished me that people who had caterers and wedding planners and so forth were stressed out about how much they supposedly had to do. Like what, make it to mani-pedi/hair appointments? I feel for you.</p>
<p>Okay. Re the tables: can you use some of their tables anyway? your don’t have to place them end to end. You don’t have to use all round or all rectangular tables, especially given the dramatic nature of your setting.</p>
<p>This is when you have to ASK for help. You must have a few friends and relatives who have the personality and skills to step in and take charge of certain aspects of the setup. ASK them. If you don’t, they will assume that you have it all in hand. Organization at this point will reap huge benefits down the road. Many people will feel flattered to be relied upon. Those are the people you need. Do you have siblings? Aunts and/or uncles? Ask your fiance to get HIS friends to pitch in.</p>
<p>You will need someone to set up the tables and chairs and set up the bar. (The rental people just bring the stuff and dump it.) Strong young guys are the likely candidates. You will need someone to put the cloths on the tables, and set the places, including the placecards. (A girly job. ) You will need someone to place the plants, and do the ribbons. (Your mom sounds like a person for this, if she is willing.)</p>
<p>Unless all of your relatives and friends fail you, I don’t think you need to spend $$ on a coordinator, who most likely would not do the actual work anyway. If you end up needing some “day laborers” to set up and clear up, use Craigslist.</p>
<p>May I ask what your wedding date is?</p>
<p>You need the mom of one of your close friends. Someone you trust and who will be happy to step in for you to do the prep work that needs to be done on site–someone who will be thrilled that you asked. DO NOT TRY TO DO IT ALL YOURSELF instead of enjoying getting ready for your own wedding.</p>
<p>Thank you for putting things back in perspective, Consolation.</p>
<p>My wedding date is June 1st. We’re already planning to have the wedding party and some immediate relatives help to whatever capacity possible. My sister and MOH has an infant so she’s out. My brother has a two year old but perhaps her wife can look after him (we set up his wedding with her parents). My dad is able bodied, and the groomsmen all fit the strong young men mold. (Well, they’re at least all young men, lol.) </p>
<p>Oh, we also have to find some time to do wedding party photos in all this hooplah, too! >.< The reception is short and since we won’t be having h’ors douevres it would be kind of lame for us to disappear for an hour right after the ceremony.</p>
<p>ETA: dmd77 - My mom was the person who was supposed to do my hair and makeup. Maybe my money would be better spent having a professional do those so I can put my mom in charge of the reception? I also don’t want to stress her out. She’s already unhappy with me for having an evening wedding out of town. I’m also not particularly close with any of my aunts, either.</p>
<p>Hi Julie – Mega post ahead! </p>
<p>Okay. Deep breaths. It is going to be fine. It is just time to simplify a bit. The venue and the food are going to fabulous. You don’t need a lot of elaborate decorations. Don’t hire a coordinator yet until you figure out exactly what you need (although at the end of the day I think you’ll need one). Here’s what I would recommend:</p>
<p>-- Right now, make a list of everything that needs to be done that day, and make sure you know the exact time frames in which it has to happen. When will you have access to the space? Will you be able to store stuff at the museum on site before then, etc. Think through every single event of the day and write it down, and write the time frame when it has to be done. Remember break down as well as set up.</p>
<p>-- Ask the museum for a plan of the exhibition that they will have in the space that day. They should have this prepared already. Make sure to nail down any logistical limitations. Ask them the color of the wall while you are at it! </p>
<p>-- Ask the museum if they have a rental company and/or event planner that they use. If possible, you want to use the museum’s regular vendors because they will know the space. Ask the museum how other brides have handled the logistical issues, and/or how the museum handles these logistical issues for its own events. They might have a exhibition installer/ picture hanger/ general handyperson who sets things up for their events, or an in-house event planner who would like to make a little bit of extra money. Perhaps you can hire one of these people to help you. But first gather information.</p>
<p>-- Next, ask the caterer (barbecue place) if they have had events in that space before. If they have, that is fantastic because they already know the logistics. Ask them where they are going to set things up. Show them your floor plan. Perhaps meet them at the site. Ask them where they are going to set up their serving tables, and what they are going to bring. Are they going to be totally self-sufficient with respect to serving tables, table cloths, and the like? Make sure this is in your contract with them so everyone is clear about who is bringing what. Ask them the size of the tables that they will be bringing for serving and write this down.</p>
<p>-- I forget whether you are having a bartending service. If so, go through the same drill with the bartender. Make sure you know exactly what they are going to be responsible for. Ice, corkscrews, delivering the wine, beer, soda and water to the site? Other logistical issues?</p>
<p>-- Next, take your floor plan to the rental company. Show them where the caterer’s and bartenders serving tables are going to be. Ask them to prepare a table layout for you for the number of people you are going to have. Tell them you want round tables for 8, with floor length table cloths. </p>
<p>-- During your meeting with the rental company, ask whether they are going to set up the tables for you. Many rental companies will do this as part of the delivery fee, but here you have the added complication of the tight timeline. Make sure you discuss your timeline. Many times rental companies won’t give you a specific time for deliveries; you’ll need to discuss the logistical limitations with them. Again, using the museum’s regular vendor will help.</p>
<p>-- After you get all of this information, you will know where you stand. At this point, you will know whether you need to hire someone to set up the chairs for the ceremony and the tables, chairs, and tablecloths in the event space. YOU CANNOT DO THIS YOURSELF, AND YOU REALLY SHOULDN"T RELY ON YOUR FRIENDS TO DO THIS PART EITHER UNLESS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. (Put aside the table decorations for the time being.) If you do need to hire someone to do the heavy lifting to set up the room, consider your options: (1) If no one that the museum works with regularly will do it, can the caterer hire someone and take charge of this part of the event for an extra fee? (2) If not, could you potentially hire a florist that will take on this part of the set up if you buy flowers from a florist instead of DYI? (This obviously adds to the cost). (3) If not, is this event near your grad school? If so, are there folks at your school who set up the events in your department? If so, can you hire them? Etc. Hiring someone randomly from Facebook should be your last resort. (4) $25/ hour is a very fair price for this kind of thing. </p>
<p>-- Assuming that you get the basic set up covered (ceremony chairs, tables and chairs, tablecloths), now think about friends who can help with the easier aspects of set up. These need to be close friends who are not in the wedding. VERY close friends, and very reliable ones. If no one fits the bill, you will have to rely on professionals (perhaps the same folks discussed above). YOU SHOULDN’T PLAN TO DO THIS. YOU SHOULD BE HAVING PHOTOGRAPHS DONE DURING THIS TIME.</p>
<p>-- For centerpieces, I think you should either: (1) rely on a florist (BUT $$$); or (2) go with hydrangeas from Home Depot/ Lowe’s in terra cotta pots. Reserve them ahead of time, but don’t pick up until day before. If possible, store these on the museum site the day before after you pick them up. Go with either white or light green table cloths. Use teal for napkins (make sure light green doesn’t clash with the teal; it depends on the shade). Have your friend or the person you hire place one hydrangea in the center of each table. Boom. You are done with table decorations.</p>
<p>-- As an option, BUT TOTALLY NOT NECESSARY, have your friend or the person you hire set the table simply with silverware, plate and napkin folded in thirds. If you use placecards for visual interest, follow my previous advice about how to assemble the placecards ahead of time so that it is easy for someone else to set up. Otherwise, just have the napkins, silverware and plates on the buffet table.</p>
<p>-- Use a florist for your and your attendants’ bouquets and botonnieres for the groom and his attendants. It is going to be too stressful for you to do this yourself. Be completely upfront about budget. Tell the florist you like INFORMAL bouquets. Discuss options but consider giving the florist discretion to use whatever flowers will work best with your budget when she sees what is available at the mart.</p>
<p>-- Consider other logistics, like delivery of the cake. Does the barbecue place do cakes? Could you have wedding apple pies instead prepared by the barbecue place? The fewer vendors, the easier the coordination.</p>
<p>-- Think about how you are going to deal with break down of the rentals and pickup. Again, it would be ideal for the caterer to do this. This will add to the expense, but the last thing you want to be doing at the end of the night is breaking down tables and moving chairs. Will the museum store the tables until the rental company picks them up on Monday morning? If not, this is a big issue.</p>
<p>-- As I am going through this, I am starting to think it will be well worth your money to rely on a coordinator, if the museum event people are not available for hire. The person will need planning time in addition to time on site. Make sure to get references and check the references. Ask everyone you know in the area for recommendations. You need this person to be an experienced pro.</p>
<p>-- Be careful about piling TOO much on friends. You want them to enjoy your day. It is not fair to ask them to do too much. If you get any sense that people feel put upon, back off and cut out that element of the day. It is not worth alienating friends!!! </p>
<p>-- Places to cut back: You can get the cheaper chairs (although they really aren’t very attractive). Or you could use the museum’s chairs for dinner and have people stand for the ceremony. You can skip the centerpieces all together. You and your attendants could carry a single beautiful flower, like a peony or something. You could skip flowers for the men. You could skip renting a dance floor (if you were planning to do that) and just have people dance on the regular floor if it is safe. IT WOULD NOT BE THE END OF THE WORLD TO ELIMINATE THESE THINGS!!! The event would still be lovely and fun!!! The important thing is that you are there with those you love! And it will be a great event with fabulous food! </p>
<p>-- Final point – If your mom or someone else insists you need something, just say simply, “Sorry mom I can’t afford it.” That’s all you need to say. Don’t get emotional; just state the facts and move on. But, seriously, don’t expect too much from others, unless they offer. Otherwise, your wedding will start to feel like a chore instead of a fun event everyone is looking forward to.</p>
<p>Cross posted with everyone else! Didn’t realize how long this got!</p>
<p>I think that the bottom line in notelling’s post and mine is that you need to ASK for help and ASK for services from your vendors.</p>
<p>Extremely good point about using vendors who are accustomed to the space: this definitely helps!</p>
<p>And forget about favors. You don’t have time. I will give you 100 chocolates or truffles as a wedding present. :)</p>