Wedding 'gifts': Donate to my (our) cause

Parent Cafe
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<p>I know it must be Just Me. I guess I’m out of step with the times or something. I’m wondering if I’m absolutely the only person who finds it gauche to suggest that your wedding guests support your favorite causes (pay for those) as a wedding gift.</p>

<p>This seems to be a trend that has developed over the last, say, 10 years? Maybe more? It seems that it started as an alternative way to gift a bride & groom who were older, celebrating a second marriage, had their households set up already, or all of that. Now, I understand the purpose of ‘alternative gifts’ or alternative traditions. I see nothing wrong with starting your own tradition: You see no point in a set of duplicative silverware or whatever. Instead, you could make your wedding an opportunity to start an unusual (not necessarily extravagant) wine collection. If anyone’s looking for a gift idea, they could bring a different, exotic, or very personalized wine idea. Even gourmet condiments made with wine, as an additional option, or other gifts related to wine. Ditto for any other theme: merely bring your favorite personal photo. Cards & photos. Cards & wine. Plants for the garden. I can think of any number of fun, non-traditional wedding ideas. They all allow the guests to honor the couple or ‘pay tribute,’ as it were, feel as if they’re ‘bringing something.’ </p>

<p>But, ‘make a contribution to my favorite cause,’ – particularly if it’s a politically charged favorite cause, something controversial, or on the other hand so esoteric & personal almost no one can relate to it?</p>

<p>I do understand how and why this is often done at funerals & memorial services. In those cases, it seems fitting to honor the life of the deceased by paying respect to what he or she stood for, identified with, etc. (Sometimes suggested as an alternative to flowers.) Then the affirmation seems directly tied to the <em>individual</em> and to his or her legacy. This can be particularly affirming when it’s a contribution to a cure for the disease that resulted in the death. But for a wedding? It’s just off-putting to me, but maybe I’m alone, because I’ve never heard it discussed.</p>

<p>Is every social event a bleepin’ “cause” now? Fundraising out of control?</p>

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<p>i kind of like the idea of making a donation instead of another gift- some of these people have all they need…to me, if you find the choice off putting, find another cause…i would rather give 100bucks to an animal shelter than buy someone a platter…</p>

<p>if they asked me to give to a political cause i disagreed with, i would not- I would give my $ to a more “neutral” cause I would hope both the couple and I could agree is a fine one</p>

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<p>I prefer that to “Donate to my honeymoon fund”! (And I agree with cgm that I’d choose a different cause if I objected to the one chosen.)</p>

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<p>I think it’s gauche to even suggest that someone give a gift for a second marriage. Not that second marriages shouldn’t be celebrated, or you should not give a gift. Just to ask for a gift of any kind is tacky though.</p>

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<p>I’m with doubleplay. Regardless of which charitable organizations I may choose to support, it should be my choice. It’s extremely gauche, I think, for anyone to assume that the invitation to their wedding should come with a price of admission. If the wedding couple go that route, it should only be in response to the question of what they may want. In that case, they could answer. But the question should not be solicited or prompted. Where did so many people get the idea that weddings, graduations, or birthdays are paid events, rather than joyous occasions you’re inviting people to share !!?</p>

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<p>Well, I think it’s a little disingenuous to believe that people don’t assume that they’ll be giving a gift to any happy couple, regarless of marriage number. It’s not a “price of admission”, it’s a reality of such events, people bring gifts. And if the happy couple already has everything they need and would prefer not to receive, as CGM says, “another platter” or have the guests feel they need to go shopping, why wouldn’t it be OK to say something like, “Your presence is what we would like, not presents. If you feel you want to honor us in some further way, consider a contribution to Some Cause.”</p>

<p>What I do see as gauche is stating a specific charitable organization which may be touchy for some of the guests. If you offered a “pick a cause of your own choice” option, why wouldn’t that be acceptable? I would feel totally fine about seeing that on an invitation (and I even know what cause I’d pick! :slight_smile: ).</p>

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<p>According to the etiquette mavens, it is never appropriate to have any type of wording regarding gifts (either pro or con!) on an invitation. If asked, one can share the information about a charitable registry. This one, which allows couples to set up web pages and accept donations for whatever cause they support, has become very popular:
<a href=“http://www.idofoundation.org/[/url]”>http://www.idofoundation.org/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>I understand the point of not wanting to give a gift to a political point of view you disagree with. However, it is a gift for the marrying couple. Therefore, giving to their select charity is part of the gift. If it were me (and I am in a second marriage) I would choose an organization that feeds starving children like the Hunger Site. I don’t see how that would be politically sensitive. Then, part of the joy would be knowing some children had not starved to death because of our wedding. At my H & my joint 50th birthday party we said, "If you feel you would like to give a gift we are requesting donations to “Save the Rainforest. However, your presence is your true gift.” We felt comfortable in doing this because protecting the rain forest has import for all the guests as well. We certainly didn’t check to see who had or what the amounts donated were. But $5 saves an acre, so any amount is significant.</p>

<p>To OP: I have been in this situation in which I was close enough to the couple to have a gift I had been planning to give and couldn’t wait to give them with. I just went ahead and gave it, and it was truly appreciated. Couple still felt they were contributing to others’ well being, and my gift wasn’t lost in a sea of other gifts. So, if there’s really something you want to give, just go ahead and do it!</p>

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<p>Interesting. OK, so don’t say anything on the invitations if etiquette says not to. But it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. If I were getting re-remarried, I would STILL not want people to give me more platters! So how would I tell them not to bring any gifts to the reception? I DON’T WANT MORE STUFF!</p>

<p>(Please note: this is all highly hypothetical. I also do not want to be in a position to be re-remarrying. :slight_smile: )</p>

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<p>In this day and age where you have couples gettng married in their 30s with two households, or in most cases, one alraeady established household, they don’t need more stuff, and I much prefer the charity angle then the just give us $ approach</p>

<p>when my D had her 16th, we put on the inviation that if they felt the need to bring a present, please donate beanie babies that we were sending overseas to kids in warzones…it was a HUGE success</p>

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<p>In response to last post, I know it may not be “etiquette” but my friends and family understand that my desire to save the rain forest and feed starving children takes precedence over someone else’s idea of etiquette. Plus, anyone who really knows me knows how I operate, and although there may still be chuckles and even a little eye rolling (okay with me) anyone who really disapproves of me has been winnowed from guest lists a long time ago. My aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. are very civicly inclined as well and had no trouble w/wprding of invitation.</p>

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<p>IMO, weddings have just gotten to the point where they’re over the top. The expenses are ridiculous and I’m hearing of people asking their wedding guest to supply the honeymoon funds, food, etc. My friend’s nephew was married this weekend. His fiance asked his grandmother to make pasta salad for 300 people and they included a note in the invitation that said they’d like to go on a cruise for their honeymoon but don’t have the money (hint, hint). When DD (our one and only) gets married, I’m thinking of encouraging her to elope or have a very small and simple ceremony. She could take the wedding funds and put them on a down payment on a house. </p>

<p>If I were getting married for a second time, and believe me I am NOT (I’ve invested too much time training this one :slight_smile: ), I can’t imagine wanting all the pomp and circumstance of a first wedding. I guess I’m just a simple gal.</p>

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<p>i dont have a problem with asking for charity’s and things like that… rather than buying someone a set of plates that will never be used. </p>

<p>at work we were doing a present for my boss at christmas and we collected money to get her a gift cert to a spa, and when she found out about it she asked if we could donate the money to a charity for her and we did. one of my co-workers had a problem with it but she got over it quickly.</p>

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<p>In terms of established households:</p>

<p>Even when couples get married in their 30s, how many grooms already have silver trays (this seemed to be the gift of choice at MY wedding a couple of decades ago)?</p>

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<p>We have a family member that sends cards out at Christmas with a message saying, “Instead of a gift, we have purchased supplies in your name for Habitat for Humanity.” Then they will tell us what was purchased, for example: 10 pounds of nails. 20 pieces of plywood. 1 box of siding.</p>

<p>Last year I got concrete. The year before I got some sod.</p>

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<p>Doubleplay - that’s funny! :slight_smile: I’m not big on gifts (getting them) and refused to even register or have any wedding showers when I got married. I wouldn’t mind at all if someone opted to donate to a charity instead, but I really can’t see asking for it. I’m curious though, if someone gives me a “charity donation” as a gift, do I get to take the tax deduction or do they?</p>

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<p>binx,
We asked. They do!</p>

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<p>doubleplay…For six or eight years now we’ve been giving our older relatives (the ones who don’t want/need more “stuff”) water buffaloes and sheep. The organization is called Heifer International. I generally send along a little gift with the announcement (gourmet honey if what we’re donating that year is bees, etc). I didn’t know that H for H did that as well…TERRIFIC idea.</p>

<p>As far as the wedding thing goes, donating to an organization you might not really like is, IMO, the same as buying someone a god-awful looking china piece because it’s what THEY want. Not you. Them.</p>

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<p>If I don’t like the china someone picked out, I usually choose something else from their registry. Specifying only one charity listed seems tacky to me - the same as saying everyone must give me a piece of this china. Or everyone must give me money for my downpayment.</p>

<p>The kicker with the charity donations is that you are then forever and ever on their mailing and phone lists. If it’s a charity I don’t like, it’s that much worse.</p>

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<p>HeliMom, I think that many people, self included, would consider a donation to a cause to have a different kind of emotional weight than a subjectively ugly object. That was part of my point in opening the thread.</p>

<p>Some of the replies are interesting. However, some people seem to be arguing with me about the notion of untradition & not duplicating unnecessary gifts. I’m not against that, as I thought I made clear. I found the charity register idea interesting, whoever posted that. It’s a more developed & specific idea than another one I had in mind, which is that many people have a home/individual/family website, in which that kind of personal info would be posted. Included on that might be favorite causes, etc. </p>

<p>Regarding the etiquette question, I have received in the past invitations to receptions, birthday parties, etc., with a simple “No Gifts, please” on the last line. (Or, “A gift will not be necessary; your presence at the event is our gift.”) And most of us would understand, particularly if we know the bride & groom well enough to be wedding guests, that they are very set-up, or how set-up they are. (They may have everything except the Egyptian towels they’ve always wanted, or that exotic bottle of wine.) So, does the fact that there is simply a request for no gifts, Is that also a breach of etiquette?</p>

<p>In any case, if that message is there, I have found in my life that it is practically impossible to keep people from bringing things, even when requested not to. They’ll obviously bring at least a card; sometimes they’ll bring money, too, or a gift card, or a gift certificate, or flowers, a CD of music, a little something. So the point is, would you repliers not think that someone determined to honor the bride & groom in some way, and knowing that couple well enough to be a guest, would make it their business to read the home web page and/or just know what the favorite causes are, and make that their contribution, and do it PRIVATELY? I would just think that that’s good taste, rather than the bride & groom specifically mentioning that option in a written invitation or an oral follow-up. (Personally, if I were in that position, I would never even orally reply to one of my guests, when asked What Do You Need?, that he or she could contribute to a pet cause of mine. I would just consider it bad taste. I guess I’m just old-fashioned. However, if the <em>guest</em> announced that that was their intention, or Would I Like That?, of course I would answer in the affirmative) </p>

<p>Now for a birthday, for The Person Who Has Everything, perhaps it makes some sense (if asked). And for Christmas (someone mentioned that), I see that as a very different situation. Remembering those who have less is one of the features of the holiday. I really do see weddings as a celebration of an anticipated life together, even if it’s the second time. If the couple is going off together on a joint venture (right after the wedding) to engage in an overseas long-term community building project (I’ve actually known some situations like that), I would think a contribution to that cause would be a validation of their new life together. However, again, people close to the couple may well figure that out with no prompting.</p>

<p>I think one of the contrasts I was making about weddings & funerals, is that when a contribution is made on behalf of a deceased, I have personally never heard about it – not at a wake, or at a funeral reception, yet I have no doubt that it’s happened, after many a funeral I’ve attended. </p>

<p>I have actually been asked to contribute to political causes more than once, by members of my family & in other situations, and I do consider it intrusive & not respectful. It’s been asked at Christmas & as a wedding gift, & it feels like arm-twisting. (Am I mainly a political asset, or do you value my friendship apart from ‘the cause?’)</p>