<p>I am getting married in somewhat less than a year to an absolutely amazing guy. We’re not exactly loaded (quite the opposite - and I am still in college), but have saved up enough to pay for a modest wedding. Now here’s the story: we have been living together for quite a few years and aren’t really in need of any stuff. If people want to bring a gift, we would seriously prefer cash. We might be able to afford a nice honeymoon or it could go toward buying a new flat. However, after we told a couple of people we weren’t planning to register and would prefer money as a gift, they started to act like we were being tacky, said we shouldn’t get married if we could not afford it and they almost felt insulted by such a request. I had no idea this was considered such a faux-pas and think it’s such an outdated response: most couples nowadays have everything they need in terms of cutlery and tablecloths before taking the plunge into marriage. </p>
<p>Are we being tacky? How should we handle this situation?</p>
<p>You shouldn’t. If they ask where you’re registered, say, “We’re not.” If they ask what you want, say, “We have everything we need for our household.” Period. </p>
<p>Perhaps you could register for a honeymoon, as many people do nowadays.</p>
<p>But no matter how you phrase it, or what you want, telling people to give you money is tacky for a number of reasons. First, it makes it seem like you’re “charging” them to come to your wedding. Second, you will know exactly how much everyone gave you - there’s no chance to get an expensive gift on sale and look like a hero. If it’s not part of your culture that cash is acceptable (it is expected in some cultures), asking for it is not acceptable.</p>
<p>Yup, it is tacky. Your need for cash is separate from invitations to your wedding, period. There are LOTS of places you can register now for more than cutlery and tableclothes, of course (hardware store chains, outdoor stores, etc.). I will say, it is not as easy as it used to be to return gifts for cash as it used to be; Macys, for example, will only give you store credit or credit back on the credit card used to purchase the gift.</p>
<p>It still puzzles me why it is so very tacky compared to registering at a shop. Surely a gift is voluntary in all cases and if you register, you also know exactly what everything costs (or could check it if you’d feel like judging people). I’m really not planning on analysing every gift and condemning people for giving more or less.</p>
<p>Since you said flat and not condo, I assume you are not American, and that really plays into the situation. It might be common place for your area, but overall it is seen as tacky.</p>
<p>Bullet and myself paid for our wedding, so I understand the debt you will incur, but to ask guests for $$$ is rude. You are inviting them to join in the celebration, not to assist in paying for the party. Want to save money for a new flat, have a smaller wedding, and politely say “We would have loved to have invited you, but we could not afford to invite everyone since we are paying for it ourselves”. Take that money you save for a smaller wedding and go on a honeymoon or buy your new flat.</p>
<p>Let’s turn it to a different view point. The view point of the guest, why are you throwing a reception when you could have a small quiet wedding, and use that money for the honeymoon or a new flat? Are you inviting me to attend because you want me, or you want my money/gift?</p>
<p>You may think that society has changed alot, because people no longer ask for 12-5 piece formal place settings, but it has not changed to the point that people feel comfortable placing a price on how much they care for you in a dollars and cents manner.</p>
<p>EASY…you gave them the option when you register. Some people prefer that 10, 20 yrs later he can still bring home flowers for you and you will place it in the vase you received from them. Some people buy gifts that remind them of presents that touched their heart, like a beautiful picture frame for your wedding picture, or a silver mantle clock. </p>
<p>They are your guests and what makes it tacky is you are placing conditions on being the guest regarding their present.</p>
<p>Do you say to people, don’t give me a birthday present unless it is money? Of course not! Yet, that is exactly what you are saying to your guests.</p>
<p>Cut your list, trim your costs and take that money to pay for the honeymoon/flat. Otherwise, smile nicely, and say thank you.</p>
<p>Honestly, I think you want permission to do it more than you want advice. You would prefer to hear that the people you have spoken to are off their rocker and society has changed to the point of your opinion.</p>
<p>I would never say not do it, but I will say don’t expect the checks to flow in.</p>
<p>OBTW, I have you ever thought about registering for specific items…such as going to Best Buy. Best Buy actually has a program that people can pay into your wish list. For example, you pick out a 42" LCD TV, the guest can go in and basically place money towards your account to buy it.</p>
<p>And honestly, who ever has enough sheets? I don’t! </p>
<p>How about a dyson vacuum instead of the cheap one you own?</p>
<p>How about registering at Target? You can find a ton of great things that would not add clutter. </p>
<p>For example, our friends DD recently got married, and she had been living with him. They went to Target and had the strangest list when you looked at it, but then you saw themes. They had asked for everything from batteries, to flashlights to air mattresses (camping). They had asked for usb cards to memory disks to photo paper (camera stuff). In the end they got everything on their list and had saved themselves money that they would have spent otherwise without asking for a check.</p>
<p>To be fair, even if you register, you will get some checks/cash gifts. Just don’t count on enough to pay for a nicer place to live or the whole honeymoon…</p>
<p>If you really don’t want a lot of stuff, you can specify “no gifts, please” on the invitation. Or invite guests to give to a selection of charities (give 'em some choices if you do this) in your honor as a couple.</p>
<p>I agree with the majority. It’s tacky for you to tell people you want money, not gifts. I think Chedva’s suggestion was good:
</p>
<p>Sometimes a maid of honor or best man will discreetly spread the word that the bride and groom “are saving for flat.” But that could completely backfire if not handled well.</p>
<p>I hear you about having too much stuff and not wanting more. I personally wouldn’t be offended by being asked for a “donation” rather than a gift from some registry (which I think is pretty tacky even if it is a social norm), but then again I’ve been to 3 bar Mitzvahs already this year where cash is the norm. Why not ask guests to make a donation to a worthy cause of your choosing in your name?</p>
When H and I were married (23 yrs ago) we each had already owned houses and also had everything we needed. We did not register; but we also did not specify that gifts should be cash. As it turned out, the only non-cash gifts we received were from close relatives who gave “memento” type gifts that we still do appreciate. Everyone else gave a cash gift, and I think this was primarily because all of our guests knew that we were combining fully-furnished households.</p>
<p>Agree that it probably souded tacky. “No gifts please” on the announcement is generally (at least among our group) a signal that money is more appreciated without having too come right out and ask for money. Not to be crude, but it also signals to our friends that they don’t have to fork out a ton of money. No one ever, ever knows what the “right” amount is and it seems to be a moving target sometimes. We happen to be a group of parents all of whom have kids in college with “oldest child” hitting marrying age and all of us reaching retirement all at once so yes, expenses are high even for us as guests if you end up at 3,4 or 5 of these types of things. Chevda has a great response if someone asks you point blank what you need/want.</p>
<p>H and I were poor as church mice during our engagement because we had just bought a house. All my kitchen stuff and linens were hand me downs. China and crystal? HA! Pipe dreams. I reeeaaalllyyy needed every item on my registry. </p>
<p>Well, since we were living together, the ladies who came to my shower assumed our household was fully outfitted and completely ignored the registry. So, at my one-and- only shower I ended up with 23 sexy nighties. Not a single good knife, towel, or dish. Lingerie couldn’t be returned, so I wasn’t even able to exchange it for practical things we needed. I was near tears, but H was pretty happy. :rolleyes:</p>
<p>The other part to add into the equation is, the fact that you will most likely have a bridal shower, and that is another reason to register. It is also a reason why people end up giving cash since the registry is picked through.</p>
<p>Don’t register and you can be like DougBetsy, tons of lingerie, or gifts that you would never want. People who want to give gifts will give gifts, those who want to give cash will give cash.</p>
<p>Maybe it’s time to get creative about the registry then, if you have everything and don’t want more. If I were in your position now, I’d ask for continuing ed classes, books, yoga studio membership, maybe even music lessons.</p>
<p>That is why I suggested Best Buy…I think it is a really neat program. The couple can register, and people just go in and place money into their account. It is basically a gift card held at the store. </p>
<p>Now tell me what GUY won’t be in for that?</p>
<p>One other thing you can do is have the person add in your bridal shower invites a personal list. I have received 2 invites like this. It simply stated that if you did not find a gift on the registry, here are some personal suggestions.</p>
<p>On that note it stated things like their favorite restaurants or where they would be honeymooning. I once purchased Broadway tickets because I knew they loved Broadway. I also have given gifts to Beer of the Month and Wine of the Month. </p>
<p>There are alot of things that don’t add clutter, but will make you enjoy your engagement.</p>
<p>If all else fails, and you need the money…return the gifts! Another reason to use registries…easier to return to one or two places than running around town to ten places. That is the ultimate tacky though!</p>
<p>My niece is getting married in the summer and she too asked for cash…we, like most people were a bit put out but I think this is more and more normal these days with a lot of couples already living together before marriage having bought all they need. Our reactions are a sign of our generation and the bride and groom’s, a sign of theirs.</p>
<p>IMHO there is a difference between a family member asking, such as your niece. Do you know that she has asked everybody, including Mom’s co-workers for cash, or has passed it through the family pipeline?</p>
<p>I am sorry, but I would fly off the roof if any of my children said they are telling the guests they want cash! They opted to live together, that was their choice. I am not a prude, but I am somebody who believes you make your bed. You wanted to play pretend marriage and now it is biting you in the arse. You have the traditional gifts that others get, don’t complain. Weddings are not about gifts, it is about MARRIAGE!</p>
<p>We don’t know how old the OP is, but we do know they are in college. Why the rush to get married now, and not wait until you are graduated where you can afford a honeymoon?</p>
Just thought I would try to move her thinking a bit…</p>