Wow, guess I got myself into a pickle (again lol). S is getting married September 2019. When they developed the guest list a few months ago his bride to be asked me for a list which I provided. She called me and wanted me to know that I could invite my own friends and wondered why no one was on the list. I told her I saw no reason to invite a table of my own personal friends who haven’t seen S but once a year for the last 10 years. They visit every summer for a week and we all go to the same beach and usually at least one of those days ends up as a big party where all my friends and their friends are there at the same time but that’s pretty much the extent of any face to face meetings. Of course, my friends are familiar with whats going on with them because don’t we all talk about our kids?
So it turns out S and fiance invited one of my friends who lives down by them in MD. This particular friend lives near me in the summer and has helped mule things down to S several times because she always drives back and forth vs. flying. When that happens they meet up and have a drink or dinner and hang for a bit. She has let them use her cottage here for a long weekend no charge. I think they have their own relationship.
Friday night I was with one close friend who was asking about the wedding and I very casually mentioned that I felt that because S hadn’t lived here in more than 10 years no one was really that close to him and so I wasn’t inviting my friends just for the sake of inviting them. I went on to talk about the two weddings I wasn’t invited to recently and that I was pretty happy that I hadn’t been invited because I barely knew the brides and didn’t know the spouses to be at all. Same case scenario really. They both would have been expensive, shower gift, bridal gift, overnight hotel, new dress. I didn’t feel at all slighted. Well, that didn’t go over well and this is my most easy-going friend lol. She said they all watched him grow up and their kids played with my kids and that, while she is disappointed she isn’t invited, it was fine but she knew that another friend was going to be very very upset because she’s been mentioning the wedding and how much fun it’ll be, etc. Adding fuel to the fire is the one friend S invited is this girls’ longtime best friend. She knows I wasn’t going to invite the others and has been hush hush for the moment until the news was broken.
If I decide to impose and ask that these friends be invited, its a total of 5 people. The wedding isn’t for ten months so I’m pretty sure it won’t be an issue to add them. But I’m not sure its the right thing to do. Is there usually a parent’s friends’ table? I just find it odd that these friends of mine really care that much.
What is your understanding of the protocol (if there is one)?
Not Grumpy, just realistic. I wouldn’t want to spend my special day with an extra 50 people who really don’t mean anything to me. This is an all-out production and my understanding is the more the merrier. Like I said, they were astounded that I didn’t present a list of friends to invite, I was surprised they expected it.
I don’t know if there is a protocol but this is what I’d probably do – I would start by asking your S and future DIL to be if they thought it would be a problem to invite the additional 5 people and explain the reasoning. If they have no issue, I’d speak to her parents about it and I’d also offer to pay the full additional cost of the extra guests. If it is a problem with adding to the guest list (ex. if they booked a reception hall and are at capacity) then ask your son and future DIL if they would mind if you hosted a small party for your friends to celebrate their wedding the next time they are in town.
And at most large weddings I’ve been to there are some tables of parent’s friends. But weddings are not “one size fits all” so there is no one answer that is right for every situation.
I have a friend at work. Her son was married recently.
She didn’t invite her friends…she invite her sisters husbands extended family that they often to holidays with.
But she regretted it…she didn’t have any of her friends who have known her and known her son or at least have heard about her son growing up for years. Its about sharing that milestone.
She said when her daughter gets married she is totally inviting some of her friends.
Another friend from work informally invited us to the wedding (not the reception) so we could see the bride…she had been talking about the wedding and her daughter and it was neat to be able to see her daughter.
So I would say, yes, share the day with your friends. Talk to the couple and say "I have been thinking about it, and I would like to invite some of my friends. It would be about 5 people. If that doesn’t work for yout I totally understand.
@happy1, neither money or space is at issue here. I actually took part in viewing reception sites with bride to be and her mother because the wedding will be near my home town, not the bride’s. It is the one thing my S insisted on when she refused to elope and she and her family happily agreed because this large wedding has always been their dream.
I would ask about inviting them.These aren’t total strangers like work friends - they have known your S for years and have heard you talk about the ups and downs of raising him. It would be a nice gesture to ask them to share the special celebration with you. It was lovely of your future DIL to offer some places for your friends and I would take her up on it if its not too late. I
That simplifies things – then I would ask if you could add the five people to your guest list. It is OK to say as you thought about it you realized you would like to share the celebration with a few of your dearest friends. Sounds like it should all work out – let us know.
I can’t imagine not inviting my friends when my DD gets daughter. And some of them have only met her a few times but I would want to share the special day with the important people in my life, and my friends definitely qualify!
Then do the thing that keeps most people happy and invite them. Although I’m with you - not really into attending weddings where I don’t know the bride/groom, some people feel that’s required of friends of the parents of the bride/groom. Keep them happy and included by inviting them. If they aren’t interested, they can decline the invite. Easy.
(Even though I just said I wasn’t into weddings where I don’t know the bride/groom, I just went to one a few weeks ago and it was one of the most fun events I’ve ever attended! Happy accident. I’m close friends with the mother of the groom but we didn’t become friends until her kids were grown, so I didn’t know them. But she wanted me and a few of her friends to come. We did and it was a super fun party - danced until 1 AM and had a blast. So happy I went. So who knows what fun your guests might have?)
It was fine to invite or not invite your friend group and you chose not to do so. Your son and fiance then invited someone in your friend group, presumably without discussing the implications of that decision with you. To spare your friends’ feelings, it seems imperative to me to invite them all. imho asap. I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation, but glad a larger guest list is fine with the hosts. Any friends can regret, if attending the wedding doesn’t work for them.
I guess say nicely to bride and her parents, additional guests would have been on original list if you had known other friend was invited. Or just bite your tongue really hard, and ask for a favor.
The protocol is that your son should have given you a heads up so as to avoid the whole issue. imho
At our wedding (28 years ago) we had to invite FIL’s corporate friends and associates, MIL’s nursing friends, and MIL/FIL’s many neighbors with whom they were good friends. This contingent had to have been at least 40- 50 people alone. We got china and crystal and money from people who did not attend whom I have never met. It depends on what is normal to the families and the circles they travel in and how much they are going to spend. Since your S and D have made it clear you can invite some friends, I’d say go for it.
My other comment is in regard to your statement that you were actually happy not to have been invited to some of the other weddings. I think that we should be fine with saying “no” to events. Sending along a gift and declining with best wishes should be a perfectly acceptable response. One can spare the feelings of the curious by muttering something about a conflict or other.
Since the wedding is 9 months away and invites don’t go out until 6 weeks before the wedding, I would imagine at this point that it’s just “save the date” notices.
“hush hush for the moment until the news is broken”
It wasn’t clear to me how long the guest list is hush hush, but that guest already knows she’s the only MOG friend invited. Not an ideal situation imho.
How come we make things so difficult when it isn’t?
You didn’t see a need to invite any of your friends. Fine. S & future DIL wanted to invite someone they are close with and happens to be one of your friends. Great.
Why create additional drama when its not necessary by now inviting the very people you didn’t want to invite in the first place? I firmly believe that “when you try to please everybody, you end up pleasing nobody”
I would leave the guest list as is…and just enjoy the wedding…
Here’s what we told our son and his bride who have a billion friends and who both have big extended families:
“We don’t need to invite any of our own friends or any neighbors. Invite the adults who have been important to you personally.” (And then we talked about our own wedding photos and video and all the people our parents invited who meant nothing to us.)
They invited some of our friends who were the parents of their own friends. People who they knew well. People who they had spent a lot of meaningful time with. They invited one middle school teacher who had been a great mentor for my son and who became a family friend.
We were quite comfortable with that decision, and didn’t feel the need (or any pressure) to explain it to anyone.
Honestly, given the choice, these are people we would have chosen to invite anyway, but we didn’t feel the need to invite other friends who hadn’t played meaningful roles in our son’s life.
And 40 years from now they will know who all the people are in their wedding photos!
This might be dependent on location. In New York where I am, it is common for parents to have their friends. My parents and my husband’s parents (we got married 4 months ago) each had a table.
@alh, I knew from the beginning that they were inviting my one friend, we discussed it when doing the list. When I said I didnt’ feel the need to invite my friends, they expressed their desire to invite the one friend they felt had helped them out and with whom they had developed their own relationship with, aside from mine with her and her husband. We all agreed right from the start.
I had an inkling that one friend might be disappointed but I wasn’t prepared for anyone to be truly upset or feel that they have been slighted which it appears is the case. For that reason, I have put a call in to the fiance and will apologize and ask her to add the 5 names. I’m sure its not too late, save the dates have just been received by some of us this past week. Wish me luck.
I’ve been to two weddings within the last 8 days. I hardly knew the kids but we are friends of the parents and celebrated their joy. Very fun time.
Yes, there is a “friends or co-workers of the parents” table.
My son was married this year also–co-workers of H were invited (although I tried to curb it).
There is obviously not a restriction on the guest list in this case. You have been invited (almost encouraged) to add to your list. Give your son your additions and if they blanch then tell them you can cut it down.
Very good chance that the bride has invited everybody and your son’s side is lacking in numbers…
(Is it really just 5 people or ten with SO’s?"–curiosity only)
People will come if they choose, send gifts if they choose. This is really about THEIR choice–not you making that choice for them. If you have the opportunity to invite them (without creating a burden) go ahead and do so. And enjoy the occasion!
MOB here. When our DD got married, we DID invite friends who had known her since she was little. And yes…some had not seen her more than once a year…if that often. The only thing our kid expressed was that she didn’t want strangers at her wedding (e.g. parent work colleagues she had never met).
These family friends…all five of them…have known your kid for a long time. And you have known the fronds for a long time. I’d ask if they could be included in the guest list.