<p>Today we received a wedding invitation from a family whose daughter we do not know and have never even met! The father is a distant friend of husband’s, but he does NOT know the mother and certainly not the bride!! It is not our intention to attend. Can anyone share their thoughts about this-when hubby and I got married 20+ years ago, invitations were sent only to those that we knew personally. I feel that this family has somewhat crossed the line. Any thoughts on this subject?</p>
<p>Circular file.</p>
<p>What do you mean?</p>
<p>Throw it in the round trash can.</p>
<p>Maybe the friend holds your H strongly in his mind and H plays a stronger role in the man’s mental landscape than vice versa. He might have been proud and experiencing a new joy in the next stage of life. It could have been a way of trying to reconnect with an old friendship. Perhaps if the two of you, as a couple, were considering taking a nice trip somewhere, this could be a focus and a chance to say “hello.” You could actually GO.</p>
<p>Perhaps he wonders what has been going on in your H’s life after all these years…do you also have children? Are they approaching marriage? and so on. It’s actually a nicer thing to do than just sending an email.
I’d be honored and flattered to be invited. The fact that you’ve never met the D or hardly know the wife is irrelevant.
If it were me, I’d write back a very warm note thanking for the invitation, give a brief update of your family’s journey, apologize for being unable to attend. No gift required.
Some of these invitations cost $10 apiece, so your friendship is worth at least that much to the other guy.
I never regard these as bids for gifts. Sometimes it’s the only time people sit down and in an organized way reach out to extended relatives and old friends.</p>
<p>I would think that this “friend” could have picked up the telephone and at least called hubby in the last 20 years or so. I don’t even think we invited him to our own wedding. And by the way, I certainly do not think that the invitation cost $10. If the guy were interested in maintaining a friendship, seems to me he could have made more of an effort to keep in contact with hubby w/o resorting to sending a wedding invitation for daughter’s wedding. Any other thoughts from anyone? And no, I hope there are no wedding bells in the immediate future for our soph college son. We want him to finish school! Weddings can be a tricky thing when it comes to invites–our rule was no one was invited that we did not personally know. That means we did not invite the daughter of a friend of a friend.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Sigh. I hate being among the first ones to chime in and then hear a deafening blast from the OP. </p>
<p>I can’t imagine why this invitation has made you so angry.</p>
<p>I guess I didn’t say what you hoped to hear?</p>
<p>Is it possible that the parents of the bride don’t have many friends or family? Maybe the groom’s family has many more guests on their list, and the bride’s family would like a more equal number of people that they are inviting?</p>
<p>Not angry-just surprised that someone would do this. What about etiquette or does that not work any more? Is this a fairly common occurrence? Believe me, I am not angry–just surprised. And, I am curious as to what most people would do in this situation-aside from tossing the invitation, etc. What are the thoughts about inviting people to a wedding that you do not personally know? Thanks for your posts!</p>
<p>A person can invite absolutely anyone. There is nothing impolite about a formally-issued invitation, and you are well within the bounds of etiquette to decline, provided that you actually do so, rather than ignoring the invitation.</p>
<p>Could there be a second-hand reason for the invitation? LIke a group of people from another time in life where the inviter stayed closer with some than with your husband and didn’t want to leave out anyone from the group?</p>
<p>what zoosermom said makes sense…I would send a nice congratulations card…why not?</p>
<p>I love your answer Paying3tuitions! (Post #5). You cannot go wrong with a warm and thoughtful reply to the invitation. And I have never viewed an invitation as a bid for a gift either. As P3T said, perhaps it’s just an opportunity to reconnect with an old friend by sharing joyful news.</p>
<p>There’s no reason NOT to send a warm congratulations card. This man may hold your husband in high esteem. Who knows what they were thinking? But there’s nothing bad about a wedding invitation.</p>
<p>Is the old friend of your husband’s the father of the bride? If that’s the case and he is the host then he does or did know the invited person (your husband). This is common and I’ve been to countless weddings where the bride and groom did not know and had never met some of the friends of brides or groom’s parents. While I <em>can</em> understand you wondering where the guy has been for all these years, he crossed no etiquette line and I agree with some of the posters above on his possible motivations. Sometimes, after losing touch for many years, people do use a special occasion as an excuse to reconnect and do intend or want to continue the relationship after that. I’ve actually been on the receiving end of an invitation just like this - it was a great experience to see an old friend, her family whom I had known well, etc. You don’t have to go of course and it’s understandable if you don’t want to. Agree that you need to respond, though.</p>
<p>I also like paying3tuitions response. Depending on many other factors, I’d probably go if I could. Why not? It might be fun, and I hate to miss out on any chance for a good time!</p>
<p>Also, the OP said that the father of the bride was a friend of her husband many years ago. I think that men look at these things differently – once a friend, always a friends, perhaps – even if they haven’t kept in touch.</p>
<p>In any case, from an etiquette point of view, all that’s really required is an RSVP – although a nice letter would probably be much appreciated.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Do you have one of those fancy phones that only receives calls? You can’t really put people at fault for stuff like this because the phone line goes both ways.</p>
<p>I agree with everyone else who said to at least send a nice note and regrets. I’d be flattered if that was me. Obviously the man thought enough of your husband to invite you all to the most important day in his daughter’s life…you need to acknowledge that.</p>
<p>Here’s my take on this: this “distant friend” of your husband’s was a close high school or college friend who is remembering your husband fondly and who considers his daughter’s wedding a major milestone. Perhaps the “distant friend” is now divorced (because I’ve known many divorced men to reach out to their old friends in the time of need) and would like to have someone there who’s entirely on his side, to share the event. I would ask your husband if perhaps he wants to go alone, to rekindle the friendship.</p>
<p>As for the etiquette issues, many men do not really work at sustaining friendships, but nonetheless enjoy re-finding their old friends. My husband recently started doing a once-a-year (three years now) summer motorcycle ride with one of his good friends from college. Before they ran into each other (not quite literally) at Mt Rainier National Park three years ago, they hadn’t seen each other in 25 years. In between, as far as I can tell, they hadn’t spoken at all; even now, they don’t talk much, beyond a few emails. Yet, they happily go off together for a few days every summer.</p>
<p>Thanks for all of the posts/suggestions. Will keep them in mind when wedding bells ring in our family!</p>
<p>I can easily imagine receiving such an invitation from friends from college that I haven’t seen or spoken to in (gulp) almost 30 years. I wouldn’t be offended–I’d probably send a note, and maybe even a gift for some of the people. (Note that the original post just says the person is a “distant” friend, not that he’d been out of touch for 20 years.) It’s true that men often consider someone to be a good friend even if they haven’t seen the person for years. And when they finally get together, they will talk but will not gather any important information. Wife: “So, did old friend Joe ever get married? Did he finish his degree?” Husband: “I don’t know.” Wife: “You don’t know? Didn’t you ask?” Husband: “No.” Wife: “Well, what did you talk about?” Husband: “We talked about the Red Sox.”</p>
<p>Hahaha. That’s so funny, Hunt. Sounds like my husband. </p>
<p>I also agree with paying3tuitions’s post #5. That was a really nice reply.</p>
<p>dmd77, that’s so true about men not really working at sustaining friendships. A few months ago, DH received a sudden phone call from a high school classmate he hadn’t seen or talked to for over 30 years (!)and they went out for drinks and had a great time. The only thing I found out was his friend was married with kids. How old are the kids? Dunno. How long has he been married? Dunno…</p>