Wedding Planning

Parent Cafe
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<p>I read recently that the average wedding costs over $25,000. I know that some people feel it is foolish to spend that much money on a wedding. I do not. Now that we are done paying for college, it is the next thing on the horizon. My question is for those of you who have recently had a child get married or are in the process of planning it. </p>

<p>What did you do to prepare financially? Did you enjoy the process of planning things with your daughter (or son)? How was wedding dress shopping? Was it difficult making the guest list? Do you have any tips to share? Funny stories?</p>

<p>I guess I’m trying to think ahead to the next big event/expense in our lives. It’s something that is important to us and we are looking forward to it. Maybe I’m thinking about this because we focused on getting kids prepared for college, then into college, then getting through college. Now that is over;I wish we had been better prepared for that experience. </p>

<p>This thread is meant to be fun. It is not intended to be a debate about spending money for weddings.</p>

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<p>Since I am the parent of a son, it is probably fruitless to concern myself with it.</p>

3

<p>Ah, no Consolation. Times are different. No longer does the groom’s family (generally) just shows up and pays for the band. The wild card here is the bride. Does she have a good relationship with her mother? What is the relationship with you and the bride. How high maintenance is the bride? And where does she come from? I do not mean income bracket. I mean New Yorkers versus midwest. And how big are the families involved.</p>

<p>We have been to a number of weddings in the last two years. I think the low end was %40,0000 and one was far more than that. It is a grueling process…lots of tears…lots of drama. The only non drama wedding we went to was an open wallet one because there were no difficult decisions. Want a 2,000 dollar centerpiece? Done. And the wedding planner did it all. The forty thousand dollar weddings seemed to have a lot more drama.</p>

4

<p>

I don’t understand this. If you have been an involved parent and this is going to be one of the biggest events in your son’s life wouldn’t you want to be involved? </p>

<p>The more involved your children are in wedding planning, the less headaches and drama-free it will be.</p>

5

<p>It’s not a question of whether one would WANT to be involved. My understanding is that the groom’s family does not get to make decisions and does not get to be involved, except for the rehearsal dinner.</p>

<p>The very last thing that any bride seems to want is a MIL who has ANY opinion about the wedding. One is supposed to buy a dress in the designated color, show up at the designated place and time, and shut up and smile. I would love to have a wonderful, close relationship with a DIL. But I can tell you that if my son marries a girl who wants a $25K+ wedding and expects us to chip in to pay for it, she is stone out of luck. We have a very small family. I have only one sibling and no first cousins at all. If the wedding turns into a 200-person extravaganza, it won’t be because of us.</p>

<p>I would, on the other hand, be happy to provide lovely truffle wedding favors. And make the cake. :)</p>

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<p>I recently had 2 co workers whose each respective son and their fiances planned their wedding quietly and called their parents and some family and friends 1-2 weeks prior to attend. They both were at restaurants attended by 15-20 people. Both brides wore lovely wedding gowns. One co worker said it was one of the best weddings she ever attended, spontaneous, intimate, no drama, simple and elegant. Im wondering if this is going to be a trend.</p>

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<p>I’m expecting my daughters weddings will be similar to that milk & sugar.
The marriage is the big event, not the wedding , IMO.</p>

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<p>I’m with emerald, it’s the MARRIAGE, not the party. I don’t know anyone who’s had one of these huge, expensive showpiece weddings. I’m sure they’re lovely, but IMO, it’s got to be easier on everyone if it’s just a good time without drama and stress. </p>

<p>I also don’t think it’s our duty as parents to pay for these extravaganzas. If I had that kind of money, which I don’t, I’d much rather start the kids’ house fund with it. </p>

<p>In any case, I’ll be lucky if my S even finds a partner. He’s one of those people happier tinkering with an engine or rebuilding a boat, and that’s cool. My older D is a no-frills kid, and I’ll be lucky if her wedding even involves a dress. My youngest is the drama queen, the fashion plate and the one who’s been in productions. Fortunately she has us to keep her from becoming a bridezilla. We’ve watched those shows and we’ve already warned her that if she starts down that road she will not have us in her corner. And we’re really not joking.</p>

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<p>Many, many modern brides and grooms liberate themselves from the strict and arbitrary rules of yesteryear, keeping traditions that are meaningful to them while ditching the ones they feel are outmoded. The couple can opt for whatever arrangements work best for themselves and their families. The groom’s mother is permitted to be quite involved nowadays, if the bride wishes.</p>

10

<p>I have two sons, both of whom are married.</p>

<p>For the oldest son’s wedding, my DIL invited me to be pretty much as involved as I wished to be, and it was delightful! I was included in the final selection of “the dress” (though I pretty much kept opinions to myself–she looked lovely in everything!), in visiting various venues and selecting the one for the reception; etc. As parents of the groom, we hosted the rehearsal dinner (held at the “runner up” reception site) and it was a delightful opportunity for both families to enjoy an evening together before the marriage. </p>

<p>For my second son’s wedding, things were different—it was out of state, so there was less opportunity to be involved. We still hosted a delightful rehearsal dinner, but that was pretty much it. One thing that kind of stung was that the very high-end photographer (she is a friend and had provided her services as a gift to the couple, which is great) ended up dictating who could be where during the day of the wedding. My DH was our son’s best man, and my other two kids were also in the wedding as a groomsman and a bridesmaid, so I was the only one technically not in the wedding party. There was a big photography “shoot” of the wedding party before the ceremony (the bride and groom—my son and DIL elected to see each other for the “first time” before the ceremony) and I was not allowed to be there. I could not believe that the photographer was really going to tell the mother of the groom that she could not be there to see her son and his bride together on their wedding day, but indeed that is what happened. </p>

<p>So my advice is, do not let something like that happen!!! Other than that, their wedding was wonderful…but I cannot tell you how much I hate that I was not included in the pre-ceremony fun. Those pictures (which are beyond beautiful) still hurt my feelings a little. </p>

<p>I really look forward to planning a wedding with my youngest—my only daughter. All she has to do is find a guy. :)</p>

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<p>SportsMama – what a lovely thread idea – something nice to look forward to! </p>

<p>Here is what I know: my nephew and niece both got married recently, and the nephew and his bride planned it all together. Beautiful ceremony overlooking the Pacific Ocean, terrific reception after with great food, then a 2 week long honeymoon in Bali. From what I heard, their respective parents weren’t involved too much in the planning. I think my nephew and his wife planned it and paid for most of it.</p>

<p>My niece (the nephew’s sister) got married in a civil ceremony and had a dinner after at a restaurant with family and friends. Her mother was upset she didn’t have the big wedding in a church with the white dress. The daughter told her she could dress up later for her benefit if she really wanted to film it someday…</p>

<p>At times, I think about D’s wedding (but like churchmusicmom, first she needs a guy). If money’s still as tight as it is now, I will probably suggest a small ceremony, not a big blow-out affair. I’d rather give her $ for their first house instead of writing out a big check to a caterer. But if you have the money for both, go for it.</p>

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<p>One mom here who is sort of dreading it. D1 has a wonderful boyfriend, and I would be thrilled to have him as a SIL someday. They are in their first year out of college, living in the same city, and I will eat my Fiske book if they don’t end up getting married in a few years. D has commented that she wants to come back to our hometown for her wedding, which WILL be cheaper (they are on the East coast, I am in the midwest). But he comes from a very big family, and none of my family are in town, either. I think it will be chaos with tons of out of town guests. And difficult to plan/execute with D far away. She is fairly drama free, and so are the BF and his family, so that won’t be bad. But I am tempted to give her more money to get married on the east coast and encourage her to do it herself there. :)</p>

<p>That said, I have already started a file of articles/ideas on local venues, bands, caterers, etc. The project manager in me is already getting started, I guess. </p>

<p>D2… well, she is gay, and we live in a state that does not permit gay marriage. For her, my fondest wish is that she will be able to marry her true love when they find each other. If anything makes me realize that it is not the trappings around the ceremony that count, it is that.</p>

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<p>“I really look forward to planning a wedding with my youngest—my only daughter. All she has to do is find a guy.”</p>

<p>Same here, Churchmusicmom! I’m thinking about it now because I figure if I wait, I might be caught off guard and it will be too late to change things. (“Flowers cost WHAT??? Ok, let’s pull something out of the garden.”) Also, often times half the fun of something is in the planning.</p>

<p>Thanks,Classof2015. You took this thread in the spirit in which it was intended.</p>

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<p>Our d1 married last year. Her wedding for 130 people cost maybe 15 percent less than the median cost of a wedding of that size in her metropolitan area. We (her parents) contributed about 70-75 percent of it; the MIL contributed maybe 15 percent, and the bridal couple the rest. We didn’t work this out in advance - we had a figure in mind that we planned to give her when she married, and it was her choice to use it toward a nice wedding. No one had expected the MIL to be so generous; when she was, the couple decided to contract with an excellent wedding photographer they couldn’t have afforded otherwise. The couple had always planned to use their own money to round out their wedding budget.</p>

<p>My d did all the planning herself, though we discussed the details almost every day and she ran things past me. I offered my opinion but was overruled more often than not! She is a great money and time manager and really didn’t need my help there.</p>

<p>I have several tips and some horror stories too. Most important, imo - no matter how terrific your caterer’s references and online ratings are, no matter what your contract says and how often they reassure you that there’s nothing to worry about, make sure that someone is responsible for overseeing them closely on the day of the event. That could be a day-of coordinator, a family member, or you, but plenty can go wrong if you put yourself in a vendor’s hands. I will always wish I had done this and you can be sure that when my next kid gets married, the caterer is going to be tired of me long before the night is over. :D</p>

<p>And if you want some nice flowers but nothing staggering, and would like to save 30-40%, I recommend these folks: [Wedding</a> Flowers, Decorations, Centerpieces, Bouquets, Bulk, do it yourself](<a href=“http://www.bridesign.com%5DWedding”>http://www.bridesign.com)</p>

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<p>I went to four family weddings two summers ago (all live in the NYC metro though one was a destination wedding.) All were paid for by the brides side. One not only had a reception, but an after party that went into the wee hours of the morning, with more food and a different band. 400 people at that one, in Manhattan, so do the math! </p>

<p>The least expensive cost $100K! Three of the couples are still married, the 4th didn’t last year. </p>

<p>My sister is a wedding planner and does pretty well for herself.</p>

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<p>Timely topic for me. My step-daughter is engaged and planning her wedding. As the step-mom, although I’d love to be involved in the planning (H and I are paying for it!) I see my role more like the traditional role for the mother of the groom - smile, keep my opinions to myself, and wear beige! </p>

<p>What I have found (and friends whose daughters are getting married have found) is that today’s brides and grooms have very firm ideas about weddings that may not match our own ideas. And that can cause conflict. AND the brides in particular seem VERY stressed. Much more stressed than I or my friends remember ever being when we got married.</p>

<p>Planning weddings with daughters hasn’t turned out to be the fun experience my friends anticipated. I don’t know if it’s because brides tend to be older these days, or because they are watching too many bridal shows on tv, or what, but my friends (and my step-daughter’s mother) are finding they are not being consulted, when they are asked for opinions those opinions are greeted with rolled eyes, and it’s upsetting for almost all concerned which is unfortunate. At this point I’d be more than happy if my step-daughter eloped (which isn’t going to happen.)</p>

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<p>I love this thread, not because either of my kids is anywhere near a potential wedding (ages 18 and 15), but because I am in the midst of some financial/work decisions planning. I had thought that tuition would be the last big parental financial obligation, but now I see so many of my friends laying a lot of money for their children’s weddings (and apartment security deposits, first house downpayments, multi generational vacations that would not happen unless the “grands” paid, etc.) that I may have to adjust my thinking.
My D is the kind of kid that will need to be reined in after years of wedding reality TV shows and some princessy champagne taste issues (so unlike me!). I think we will give her a reasonable lump sum and let her and her future fiance elect to spend it however they chose. I expect to make a similar financial contribution to son’s future wedding (for rehearsal dinner and to contribute to reception/honeymoon). Most of my friends’ kids have very definite ideas about what they want and parents are overruled a lot. I wish, generally, that the focus was OFF the reception and on the marriage part! I pray both my kids find the loves of their lives and that the wedding stress is minimal! We are going to three weddings in the next month and they are all pretty fancy. Despite my efforts to instill certain values in my kids (non-materialistism, prioritization of relationships, etc.) I think my retirement may be delayed a year if these reception expectations continue;)</p>

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<p>Hey, Frazzled1, thanks for the link about the flowers. It looks like a great idea. What do you mean by needing to oversee the caterers? Did they not do what they were supposed to do? Geez, you’d think after paying people to do a job, they would do it.</p>

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<p>My daughter got married 4 years ago and I had a thread on CC about it. It might be worth a search. </p>

<p>She and her (now) husband got married here in our city a month after they moved here (we moved here 18 months earlier). As a result, except for my co-workers, most of the guests were from out of town. That kept the numbers down somewhat. The religious aspect was very important to them, especially since my daughter was in the ordination process for the Episcopal priesthood!</p>

<p>My key mantras were: 1. This is about THEM and no one else 2. Keep it fun 3. Roll with it.</p>

<p>The groom’s divorced parents tried to create some drama around the planning of the rehearsal dinner, but I wouldn’t allow it. I talked to the kids and we decided to remove them from the process and just host it (catered) on our back deck with a larger dessert party with all out of town guests following the dinner. The groom’s father wound up paying for it. Frankly, getting things ready for the rehearsal dinner was more work than the wedding reception planning.</p>

<p>My daughter used a low-kep wedding consultant since we were all pretty unfamiliar with wedding “things” in our new town. I went to a good local bridal fair and my daughter went to a big one in Houston, where she was living at the time. She found her dress at the bridal fair, so I wasn’t part of that process. She is pretty frugal, and she did great!</p>

<p>The groom’s mother and I met for the first time when she came to visit us for Thanksgiving before the June wedding and we had a blast looking for our dresses. We laughed a lot and both found great dresses at David’s Bridal and they were CHEAP!!! My daughter and I still laugh about the process of me and my dress. She says I kept sending her pictures of slinky cocktail dresses and she sent me back stuff that I thought looked more like GRANDMOTHER of the bride! We compromised. :)</p>

<p>Music was also a priority, and in Nashville we had our pick of incredible live music. The reception was Country Western themed, with the bride, groom and both mothers in cowboy boots for the reception. The band was awesome. </p>

<p>You will enjoy the process (most of it). Keep it fun. It’s about THEM! </p>

<p>My daughter’s maid of honor and her fiance are getting married next June and my daughter is the priest who will marry them!</p>

<p>I also discovered that there will always be one very high maintenance guest and it wasn’t who I would have expected! This woman thought she was our only guest for the weekend and expected more of our time and energy than we could give.</p>

<p>I don’t expect my son to get married anytime soon. That will be frightening!</p>

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<p>Very timely post as my oldest daughter is getting married next Friday night! A year of planning is finally here.</p>

<p>As we still have two in college, my dd knew that we could not afford to pay for everything. We gave her a set amount and the grooms father did as well. Anything over this amount is being paid for by the bride and groom.</p>

<p>The grooms mother lives on the other side of the country so we did not really include her in the planning. His dad though has been involved almost as much as we have. It has been a great way for us to get to know each other.</p>

<p>What we discovered was august is a great month for getting discounts and a Friday night wedding offered even more of a bargain. Only a few people are not able to attend because of it being a Friday night and not being able to leave work early enough to make the wedding.
My dd also did most of the planning but we had to agree with her before contracts were signed. The stress has been minimal, maybe because she is two hours away. My only stress is that my dh is working a trade show in Vegas till the day before we have to leave. If his tux comes in wrong, we are in trouble.</p>