Wedding Planning

Parent Cafe
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<p>So, are there any people here who have experienced a mismatch situation? Something like a family with 15 guests paired with a family where just including first cousins brings the total up to 180? (I’ve actually known some people in that situation.) A family that thinks the norm is punch and cake in the church hall and wedding presents along the lines of china or candlesticks paired with a family who thinks that a catering hall with a colored fountain in the cake and “covering the plate” with monetary gifts is the thing to do? I wonder if such marriages can survive the reception! :D</p>

<p>BTW, as I posted on the DIY thread, JKM Ribbons is a great online source for a huge variety of ribbon, including personalized, at great prices. My sister found an online source to order roses in bulk for one wedding. She also bought vases in bulk, and we arranged them the day before for the tables. I wish I could recall the name of the site</p>

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<p>I’ve been through two Ds’ weddings so far with #3 coming up in the next month. The first (and smartest) thing we did with #1 was to hire a great wedding planner. We used her for #2 and are doing so this third time around. I can tell you that we had zero drama in the planning of any of the three, and that was largely the result of excellent planning and timing for which the planner was responsible. Most planners you can hire to assist from start to finish (which is what we did) and the cost is usually a percentage of your budget. Or, you can hire them to coordinate the wedding day itself.</p>

<p>As for who pays for what, this will vary according to the family/b&g situation. For one of ours, we paid for everything. For another, the in-laws paid for the rehearsal dinner. For the upcoming one, the b&g are paying a bit and we are paying the rest. The first two took place at beautiful venues that included both the ceremony and the reception. The upcoming one will be the same, only the beautiful venue this time is our backyard. :slight_smile: </p>

<p>Dress shopping was fun! The planner came along with two of my girls and would have for the third as well but my D ended up purchasing a dress at Kleinfeld’s and so it wasn’t necessary. One suggestion I’d make when dress shopping is not to take too many others along. One of my Ds and I visited the bridal shop first so she could get a clearer idea of the type of dress she wanted, then we went on a trunk show weekend, and didn’t have to try on 50 dresses before finding what she wanted. We did the same with bridesmaids. My Ds decided on the color they wanted and had a look at several styles, then made the appointment for the girls to all go and try them on. For the first two, they both had different options for designs that could be made in the same fabric, so that girls of different shapes and sizes could choose which they preferred.</p>

<p>Number of guests was determined by the size of the venue that the b&g chose. For all three, the b&g were the primary ‘deciders’ as to who was to be invited. They all wanted to have people there who were an important part of their lives. Both we and the in-laws were happy to accomodate that request. One groom’s family was larger and so there were more relatives than family friends invited by his side. The other two were smaller so it wasn’t an issue. </p>

<p>The b&g made all of the important decisions but we were certainly included in the planning, as were the inlaws. I think it’s important to allow the b&g to make the day about them, and not about the parents. I never felt the need to invite everyone I’ve ever known, and none of my girls would have wanted a wedding like that. As it was, and as the one later this month will be, they had time to spend with each and every guest, which is exactly how they wanted it. They didn’t want a lot of people there who they barely knew.</p>

<p>MOB and MOG were free to wear whatever we wanted. We knew the color scheme and chose accordingly but our choices were never coordinated with each other, and it all worked out just fine.</p>

<p>I’ve mentioned before about the photos. Don’t keep guests waiting forever while you do the professional shots. We told the photogs to get it done in an hour and they did. Cocktails and hors d’s were served and some nice string quartet music allowed for mingling before the food. We did outdoor ceremonies, so if you’re contemplating that in the summer, be sure to have cold bottled water to hand to your guests as they’re being seated. For one, we had the programs made into fans, which was a nice touch.</p>

<p>I got a great piece of advice from an old friend before D1 got married. She told me to keep it fun and to be sure to enjoy every single minute of the day because it will fly by. She was absolutely right. Everyone had a great time, most of all the b&g, and the wedding planner made sure everything ran smoothly. All I had to do was show up and enjoy. I wasn’t worrying about when the cake, flowers, musicians, officiant, caterer, etc. showed up, or whether the special dietary needs had been addressed, or if the A/C had been set at the right temp, or if the microphone for speeches actually worked, or about a hundred other things that go on that day. </p>

<p>Weddings are terrific fun if it’s your child getting married. Enjoy! I only have two more to go after this one. ;)</p>

23

<p>Since S1 and his fiancee are paying for just about everything, we do not have to do much re: savings. We did use frequent flyer miles to bring fiancee’s mom over for the civil ceremony, and we will probably pay for hotel rooms for some of the out-of-town family members (a good use for some of those hotel loyalty points). We do not expect a lot of relatives from either side. DH has said that if we are doing the catering, our gift will be that labor plus the cost of the groceries.</p>

<p>Average wedding costs in the mid-40s here in the DC area, and after looking into prices for various components around here, it is not hard to get to that number. </p>

<p>We met fiancee’s parents in the UK in April and got along quite well, so I am hopeful that we will be able to work through the logistics successfully. S and fiancee will be in CA, her parents in the UK, and the wedding is here in MD. I anticipate that DH and I will be fairly involved, though decisions are coming from the happy couple, and some things they seem to already have in hand via their friends and colleagues. They are asking us for input, which is nice, but I am very conscious that this may be a painful time for MOB, because her D will be 6000 miles away and she and FOB do not have $$ to fund this themselves. I’ve been trying to pump info out of S1 since he recently met her extended family, and get him to think about ways he and fiancee can get include her family and traditions in appropriate ways (i.e., my post on wedding chocolates on the DIY thread).</p>

<p>We went to a wedding last year with the whole kit and kaboodle – planner, guest bags at the hotel check-in, after party, open bar, big brunch the next day…one thing the MOB said to us afterwards was that she felt the morning-after brunch was kind of a waste of $$. Nice idea, but she said they wound up paying for a lot of people who slept in or had early flights and never showed up to eat.</p>

<p>S and fiancee may yet decide to spring for a coordinator. While there are plenty of friends/family who would be more than happy to help with stuff, he and fiancee are also insistent that we not be “on the job” that day and have a good time.</p>

<p>My BIL and SIL (much younger than we are) were offered a nice (but not outrageous) amount of $$ from the bride’s parents, which they could put towards their wedding or towards a down payment. BIL and SIL spent it on the wedding, but said that amount kept them focused on keeping expenses under control vs. a huge blowout. They had a very nice wedding, too.</p>

<p>Absolutely agree that the marriage is the important part here!</p>

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<p>Yes, so much depends on the situation of B&G, as well as the families of the happy couple as to what the expenses might be, how they are expected to be divided, etc. For us, we would likely offer to share the cost as B&G see fit. When H&I got married, each party paid for his/her own reception guests. H & I paid for our guests & my folks paid for theirs & in-laws paid for theirs. It worked well, though it was expensive. Since we were older & had been working at our careers for years, we were able to finance our share of the reception & all other expenses without much difficulty.</p>

<p>We do hope we can help the kids with down payment for a good place to live, so they’ll be able to move back to HI someday. We also hope to be able to help finance some family trips (though my parents never did & we still managed to have several resort vacations together with each family paying its own expenses). If we can, we would also love to be able to help with education expenses of grandkids down the road. Since our kids are 22 & 24 but not in serious relationships, these expenses (other than family travel) are expected to be some time from now. We have had S buy all his own plane tickets & pay for all his own travel so far since he started his job a year ago. He hasn’t complained as he is earning more than he’s ever had in his life & we hope saving most of it. :)</p>

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Crazy!</p>

<p>I know I’m not very traditional in my thoughts on the subject but IMO if one needs to do a lot of ‘saving’ for the wedding then they’re spending too much on the wedding. One can have a perfectly nice wedding for substantially less than some of the numbers indicated on this thread and we all know that the longevity of the marriage itself has nothing at all to do with the flamboyance of the wedding ceremony/celebration.</p>

<p>OTOH, if people really want a party, and that’s where they want to spend their money as opposed to elsewhere, then great - I hope they really enjoyed it and felt that the one day blow-out was worth the money. People blow money on other things as well.</p>

<p>I also think the rigid ‘tradition’ of the bride’s side paying for almost everything makes no sense. A far as uneven numbers of guests goes where the bride’s side has 15 people and the groom’s side a hundred (as an example), the groom’s side should definitely pitch in more money and not just view it as a party free-for-all for them (not saying this is always the mindset).</p>

<p>Inexpensive and perfectly nice wedding -

  • Limited number of guests - relatively close family and friends.
  • Ceremony on the beach, nice park, or other scenic and nice area (cost $0 to a small permit fee of maybe $50, small officiant fee or free if a friend performs it and wants to do it for no cost).
  • Reception at a restaurant in a space arranged there ahead of time. The cost of this can come down to the cost of the food/drinks.
  • No free alcohol reduces the costs further.
  • No band/dj.
  • Bride’s mom makes the cake so it ends up being a nice tasty one rather than a showpiece not very suitable for eating.</p>

<p>But of course not everyone wants the above and wants the all night dance party with free-flowing alcohol. It just comes down to what some people want and whether they’re willing to do what they want or feel forced into ‘tradition’.</p>

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<p>In the cases I’ve known about personally, it was always the bride’s family that was the large one. The bride’s family usually controls the site and size and style of the wedding. I can’t imagine a groom’s family thinking they could invite 5 times as many people on someone else’s dime! But of course, anything is possible.</p>

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<p>The one wedding that we attended where there was a large imbalance in the number of guests, the larger number was with the groom’s family. It was about 300-100! The bride’s family made it clear from the beginning that they were not paying for all those extra guests, and the groom’s family ponied up.</p>

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<p>That sounds reasonable, alwaysamom. :)</p>

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<p>Depending on your faith, you might not be able to marry on the beach or in the park- a church venue must be used.</p>

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<p>My wedding was unbalanced even though my parents offered my in laws the same number of guests. But my MIL,for reasons we’ve never been ale to figure out, chose to invite some of H’s first cousins and not others, even inviting one sibling and not the other from several families. And no difference in where they were coming from, being able to afford it, etc, etc, etc. After 23 years I’m still embarrassed when we get together with the non invitees! </p>

<p>His parents were also very nervous about it being Black Tie. </p>

<p>“In the cases I’ve known about personally, it was always the bride’s family that was the large one. The bride’s family usually controls the site and size and style of the wedding. I can’t imagine a groom’s family thinking they could invite 5 times as many people on someone else’s dime! But of course, anything is possible.”</p>

<p>My cousin who had the Manhattan wedding thought she would be nice and include the MOG in some of the planning and asked her to come along and look at places with her and the bride. Every place they saw the MOG said it wasn’t big enough. My cousin, who was quite intimidated by the MOG, finally got up the courage, after about 5 places, to ask how many was on her list. When she said 400 my cousin went into shell shock! And the MOG’s daughter was getting married two months later so it wasn’t as if she had to “pay back” every one who had ever invited her any place or their business connections. </p>

<p>My cousin eventually had to tell her no more than 200 and the brides and grooms friends had to be part of my cousin’s total and our family is huge - 150 people easily. </p>

<p>As it was it was too big a wedding. To change the room where the ceremony was to hold the reception took almost two hours and we were all standing that whole time having cocktails in another room (actually the lobby of the old Bowery Savings Bank which is now Capitale) because that room wasn’t nearly big enough to have more than a few tables/chairs to be able to accommodate everyone. By the time dinner was served it was 11:30.</p>

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<p>Well a church wouldn’t cost much either.</p>

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<p>It bothers me that the ceremony itself, whether religious or not, seems to take a backseat to the party nowadays. It’s as if it’s seen as rude to not keep guests entertained at all times.
We are a long way from weddings in our family, but I hope my kids will opt for simple and personal. I guess we will pledge a certain amount of funding and beyond that will be on them.</p>

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<p>I remember at my wedding, the rehearsal dinner was more fun than the reception after the ceremony. It was just close friends and family; people were relaxed, they gave funny toasts – it was more like a roast. Same with my brother’s wedding. They did a slide show of pics when he was young with funny commentary. Everyone had a blast. I’d want more of that for D.</p>

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<p>bethievt–you’d be surprised at how much a church can charge.</p>

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<p>YES, electron! I blame TV for this. The weddings I’ve heard people talk about with fondness, both the ceremony and the party, have been smallish and personal-in the groom’s backyard, the park where the couple met, the chapel where the bride grew up, the living room of a favorite uncle. They’ve been places where the vows can be heard by all, the couple has touches that can been seen by all, and substance matters more than style. </p>

<p>I hope my kids’ exposure to this type of wedding has left enough of an impression that they’ll go in that direction. I’m GLAD everyone could hear H and my vows, which we wrote. I’m GLAD that my sister made her own wedding dress and GLAD that a friend of mine recently had me make her wedding cake, while her best friend made the main dish and her new husband cooked too. These touches can’t match anything ordered off a price sheet.</p>

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<p>The church I work for allows use for members for free except for the organist. Non-members pay $300 and up just for the Sanctuary. It costs more for the use of the downstairs hall and the kitchen. BUT compared to some of the payouts I’ve seen on this thread it would still be a bargain and you could bring in your own food. You can’t drink, though, and that scares off some people.</p>

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<p>^^ You sure can drink at our church, although it might just be wine. We are expected to give a “tip” to the officiating priest and alter guild.</p>

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<p>Yowza!!!</p>

<p>I just toted up the likely invitees from our family if my son got married tomorrow, and the number is 21, including us, his godfather and all family out to his first cousins and their spouses and a couple of other cousins his age with whom he is friends. Maybe 25 if you throw in children above the toddler age. Of course, I’m sure he would also want to invite some friends from college, but all in all he is quite the catch for someone looking for a small wedding. :D</p>

<p>Of course, if a wedding were being held here, there are a few more people I would be likely to invite, such as his closest HS friends and their parents who are also friends of ours. But it is unlikely that it would be. Even so, I doubt we would break 32.</p>

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<p>We live in the Land of the Splashy Weddings. This is so not our (nor our kids’) style. The first of the cousins is getting married in September and it will be an over-the-top affair. Both kids have significant others and I suspect wedding bells are not too far off. I’ll have to remember to plan from the heart, not the wallet. All I hope for is a tasteful and meaningful day.</p>

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<p>A Japanese friend told me years ago that a bride’s parents were expected to pay for a lavish wedding (often with a traditional Japanese kimono AND a Western-style gown), invite hundreds of guests, give the GUESTS presents and furnish an apt for the newlyweds. Don’t know if this is still the case, but WHEW!!</p>