<p>oldort, under what circumstances of life do you think you should be considerate of other people, and who would you be considerate of? Is there a dividing line between close enough to consider and too far away to consider? Do you see a wedding as such a unique event in a woman’s life that it really should be treated as “her day?” Which is a totally legitimate point, I’m just trying to understand.</p>
<p>When your daughters get married, how much input will you have and how would you handle conflicts between you and the bride? This is part of the reason why I won’t contribute. I think a wedding should be something handled, created, managed by the couple. I do think they should consider the special needs of anyone who they really want present (as opposed to the people to whom they send the invitation and are fine with either response), but I don’t think it should be my obligation or vision.</p>
<p>Yes, zooser, that’s what D was talking about. I’ve seen some of the shows. Curls my hair.</p>
<p>oldfort-my D is not perfect. She is considerate of other family members who would want to be a part of her wedding day. It’s not bending over backwards and takes very little effort to make a long day more comfortable for friends and family.As I’ve mentioned, we WERE the sole contributors to a major party in hour home and deliberately made the effort to arrange it so that elders could participate and those with eating issues (we had a gluten-free person, for example) had something to eat.</p>
<p>I notice you didn’t answer me about the groom-will your Ds future husbands get any say at all in their own weddings? I would have my kids think long and hard about such a marriage because it wouldn’t be the only time they’d just be window dressing in their own milestones. I’ve been around the block enough to know how that sort of relationship works.</p>
<p>I would also not want the other family glaring daggers at me at the first birthday party or the kindergarten graduation and going forward.</p>
<p>My sister is a horse’s butt, but her inlaws are among the finest people I’ve ever met and having seen them at least a few times a year since I was 9 years old has been a blessing. It was super-wonderful to see them at the christening of my nephew’s first child, because we were able to reminisce about HIS christening – at which we had all been in attendance together! A wedding doesn’t have to be a competition.</p>
<p>Just a few questions: If one family is paying for the wedding and the bride has selected a very expensive venue where does the family that is paying draw the line? I think that the kids should have a list, and all parents have a list. And, frankly if the other non paying family wants 150 guests when the budget can accommodate 20…cut your list or open the wallet. I am definitely in the camp that says…If I am paying I control how many people you invite. I liken this to if I invite a couple to dinner (our treat) and you bring 6 friends to join us…you pay for those dinners.</p>
<p>And, in my opinion, if the bride and groom choose a venue that is accessible only to their friends therein lies a message of expectations and values. </p>
<p>I do find it interesting how times have changed regarding wedding gifts. When we were married we received half things from our registry and half was cash. Nowadays here most gifts come from the registry. We have gone to two weddings recently where “charged” people to dance with her. Stunningly different for us…the money bag was to help for the honeymoon.</p>
I see nothing wrong with that at all. As long as it’s communicated, you know? That’s why I think many problems can be avoided by having the couple and their parents sit down and have an honest chat. Not everyone has to like everything, but at least it’s on the table. I think it’s good to say “this is what I can do” and “is there anything you think I should keep in mind when planning this wedding?”</p>
<p>I think there should be a reasonable expectation of equity. If I am hosting on the bride’s side and allot for 50 family invitations on our side, I would give the groom’s parents the same number to work with. Of course, if this is a modern couple hosting their own wedding, I just want to be invited and will leave it up to them to figure it out.
We had more guests on my husband’s side at my wedding but my father paid for the whole reception. Honestly I think he would have felt a little insulted if my inlaws had offered to pay for any of their guests. That’s kind of old-fashioned I guess, but I think there may still be Dads who see it as their responsibility to take care of their daughter’s big day. Thus the importance of communicating expectations.</p>
<p>When my daughters get married, we will likely have about 8 family members in attendance, so we (and they) don’t expect equity because most families are much larger and that’s fine.</p>
<p>I just realized that I pretty much always reference my daughters when talking about weddings. Funny. I have a son. However, THAT WOMAN will never get her claws into him, so we don’t need to discuss his wedding.</p>
<p>Yes, have definitely heard of this, especially when families are separated by oceans and more. One couple whose HI reception we attended also had one in Taiwan. Another had another reception in UK. Both had family of bride or groom who would have had severe hardship getting to HI for any events. Only closest friends/family came to HI events.</p>
<p>“Honestly I think he would have felt a little insulted if my inlaws had offered to pay for any of their guests. That’s kind of old-fashioned I guess, but I think there may still be Dads who see it as their responsibility to take care of their daughter’s big day. Thus the importance of communicating expectations.”</p>
<p>My father felt the same way and when my in-laws offered money my parents politely declined and told them they were their “honored guests.”</p>
I’ll ask it a different way - what if that person who was unable to attend as a result of it being on the beach was YOU or YOUR parent? Would you still pay for it? If you wouldn’t under that circumstance then in fact you’re saying that you’re willing to do what you can to accommodate yourself (or your parent) but not someone else because after all, you wield the purse strings.</p>
<p>
Seriously, this thread has referred to weddings that cost tens of thousands of dollars. Money is often frivolously flying out the pockets for things like multi-thousand dollar dresses that’ll be worn one time, expensive table decorations that’ll be thrown in the garbage in a few hours, way overly expensive food, expensive cake, etc., so a few accommodations so people can actually attend are next to nothing in comparison yet have far more impact since they make the difference between people being able to attend or not.</p>
<p>It often takes very little to accommodate (other than a desire) - just knowing that there’s something that needs to be accommodated (and just assume if the grandparents will be invited there’ll need to be some mobility accommodations) one can select a slightly different venue or make slight adjustments. The accommodations will likely be one of the least expensive parts of the wedding.</p>
Just thought I’d throw this in - a vegetarian doesn’t eat fish. Fish is meat. Most vegetarians would be disgusted at the very idea of eating fish (or chicken or any other meat). If you want to accommodate a vegetarian don’t assume that serving fish will do so.</p>
Thank you. I’m a vegetarian and would never eat fish.</p>
<p>When my husband and I go to weddings, we both order beef or chicken plates. He eats both portions of meat and I generally get both potatoes and veggies. Works out perfectly for us.</p>
<p>Like it or not it is tradition for the bride’s family to pay for the wedding (and make major decisions) and the groom’s family to pay for the rehearsal dinner. That is not always possible or desirable, but that is the default tradition. </p>
<p>My dad paid for our wedding (nice, but not extravagant). Because he was, he gave a budget and I asked him what things were important to him. He wanted good food and good music so we spent more there. DH’s parents are Baptist and don’t dance or drink (not DH - he drinks then dances ) but we didn’t eliminate dancing and wine to make them more comfortable. They could just choose not to partake. I planned without much input from DH and we are still happily married. We did work the guest list together after deciding on a number based on my dad’s budget and food desires. We just had must invite and would like to invite categories and worked from there. A good time was had by all.</p>
<p>Let’s hope he gets a say! But I thought you said it was your money so no one from the other side got input? Maybe I misunderstood and you meant the other side excluding the groom. At least I can see where you’re coming from on that.</p>
<p>In our case, my D’s divorced in-laws never offered to pay or offered any help, not surprising since they never paid for their son’s college expenses (he received full ride plus stipend) nor his grad school expenses. They were completely hands-off, uninvolved parents, very different from our family. However, they paid for the rehearsal dinner at a venue that I suggested.The couple live in NYC, in-laws live in Ottawa and the wedding was in our hometown in CA, a decision the b&g made. </p>
<p>Both the b&g have champagne tastes and we ran into a lot of demands by the groom, which were frustrating.(my D did not marry a low maintenance guy despite his middle class upbringing and was used to making all his decisions).Finally we gave them what we thought was a budget good enough for what my H and I deemed a very elegant wedding in all levels, and if they wanted to add a few more guests, or upgrade the alcohol or hire a very high end photographer, which they did, they paid for the extras. They even treated everyone who arrived early on a tour of local wineries.</p>
<p>cbreeze,At least they paid for the rehearsal dinner,which is fairly traditional for the groom’s family. I have 2 boys and I guess I can see us paying for that down the line. I would not want to pay for a lavish wedding and would never want to go into debt to provide some kind of “dream wedding.” I know some here say they won’t pay anything toward any of the wedding festivities (wedding, rehearsal dinner). That is certainly an option. For me, I would like to help with some of it as a way of sending my kids off into married life. Kind of one of those last things you do for your kid.</p>
) but we didn’t eliminate dancing and wine to make them more comfortable. They could just choose not to partake. I planned without much input from DH and we are still happily married. We did work the guest list together after deciding on a number based on my dad’s budget and food desires. We just had must invite and would like to invite categories and worked from there. A good time was had by all.</p>