<p>When we got married, one of my great aunts was very frail. We had the ushers watch out for her and they helped her up the steps of the church (old church, no ramp). Another wedding we attended was out on a golf course. They had golf carts available to bring the guests out to the ceremony area. Many of us took advantage of it, especially those of us in high heels. Many times all that is needed is a little fore thought to make life easier for all.</p>
<p>I’m curious if my fiance and I would be counted among the rude and inconsiderate for our venue choice. It so happens that most of my family lives in the area that we live in now, but the venue selections are pretty slim, especially after some recent (within the last year) flooding that did a lot of damage to the local area. </p>
<p>Considering our interests and options, we found a venue about an hour away from my town that is very unique, something we could not find in our local area. Are we terrible people for hoping our guests will travel that distance, even though some of our older relatives may rather not? Given, his entire family and all of our friends will have to travel farther than that, since our hometown would have been convenient for only some of my extended family.</p>
<p>hyperJulie Can you invite the children of the older family members to help with driving, etc? Is it possible that someone (a cousin, close friend) might be willing to drive a 15 passenger van to help with transportation? (We rented one from a church, very inexpensive). Or several relatives with larger cars/suv will carpool?</p>
<p>There is more than one way to make it work. And it does sound like a bit of a challenge with flood damage…</p>
<p>Been to a few weddings lately and heard about several others. </p>
<ol>
<li><p>Groom spent the entire cost (wedding, reception, honeymoon in Europe). Wife has no income, family in a foreign country etc.</p></li>
<li><p>A friend had two sons married. One son’s in laws said the wedding, the reception etc cost this much, we want to invite this many and you get this many and we are splitting costs. Friend literally did not know how to say no. So they tried to see if the costs can be cut in anyway (their share was 20-30k more likely 30), but gave up in the end because it is the bride’s dream wedding. The second son’s wedding was a lot cheaper, they told the other side they will split and gave the son the difference of what they paid for the other son’s.</p></li>
<li><p>Another wedding where they estimated the price to be $250 per head and 300 guest limit, the groom’s family was expected to split. Each side had so many friends and family members that groom was allocated exactly 10 invitees.</p></li>
<li><p>An ex-collegue got married. His wife to be said she was not inviting any colleagues and did not have many friends and so he did not invite anyone from work.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>On religion in weddings . . . In the Episcopal Book of Common Prayer there is a format for weddings. It is not a freeform, write your own vows type of thing. You get to pick your hymns, one Old T reading from the list of 5 or so, one New T. reading from a list in BCP, and one Gospel from list. It is what it is. The Catholic Church is the same way and likely other liturgical denominations. I don’t know but would guess that other faiths have similar set rules and protocols. As a guest you are there to witness the vows and uphold the couple. They are not asking you to share their beliefs or tradition and it is not about being inclusive at that point. In the Episcopal BCP there is a point in the service after the couple makes their vows where the guest/witnesses/congregant are asked if they will do everything in their power to help and support the couple. The attendees should respond with a rousing “WE WILL!” They do not have to share the belief of the couple to make that pledge.</p>
<p>
It’s not inconsiderate at all. You are entitled to have your wedding where and when you like. The only issue is whether the two families communicate about special circumstances and needs. If your elderly relatives are tired, perhaps a room for them to rest and regroup could be arranged, maybe with some iced water and fruit. Accommodations don’t have to be changing what you want, just sometimes making what you want accessible and comfortable for others if need be.</p>
<p>
Of course YMMV but to me this is so backwards … IMO the guest list should start with the bride and groom and work out. Mom3ToGo and I got married in the garden at my IL’s house and we wanted to have about 50 people at the wedding. This did lead to a couple tough conversation with my Mom … she is one of 9 and her list of “who has to be invited from my family because that the way it is done” must have been 60+ people … and that was only one of the parents. Eventually we whittled things down but it was not very fun … fortunately there were some fairly easy ways to picks among the 60 of who to invite. For me this was, by far, the most stressful part of planning the wedding.</p>
<p>Saintfan: Great clarification. I love the part where the congregants are asked to support the couple in their marriage. I wonder if they couldn’t do that in a Catholic ceremony?</p>
<p>saintfan, I’ve been to a variety of Catholic weddings. There is definitely latitude in what can be said and done. I’ve been to one where the priest made continuous references to “We, as Catholics,” and delivered a homily that was all about Catholicism and not the couple, even though he knew that at least 50% of the people in the church were not Catholics. Many of us from a variety of faith backgrounds felt rather uncomfortable being exhorted in this manner. I’ve been to other weddings that, while definitely Catholic, contained no such statements, and where one would have to have a huge chip on one’s shoulder to feel uncomfortable. I’ve also been to Episcopal weddings, and the priest refrained from making statements about “We, as Christians” throughout the ceremony.</p>
<p>Of course the ceremony is going to include prayers and readings from the religion of the couple. And obviously you don’t need to share their beliefs to wish them well. But there are things that are within the discretion of the celebrant. </p>
<p>For the record, I’ve been a bridesmaid at two Jewish weddings. Although in one of them the rabbi made the interesting choice of talking about how the shattering of the glass represented Kristalnacht (!), I never felt as if I were being chided for not being Jewish. </p>
<p>I hope that a) my S gets married, and that b) they are married by either a Unitarian minister or someone with strictly civil authority. I don’t know what my chances are, since his more serious GFs to date have come from families that are Muslim and Buddhist. (I could definitely deal with Buddhist. 
) But whatever, I’m prepared to smile and nod.</p>
<p>However . . . the couple together with their families choose the type of celebration and service that is meaningful to them. Part of any traditional religious ceremony is that the couple is being “upheld and supported” by the church family in the immediate sense of the congregation and by the traditions and institutions as a whole. That part is assumed in the service. Those gathered as witnesses are a third leg of that stool which includes the couple and the church. It is not necessarily the job of the celebrant to talk about the couple’s history unless he/she knows them both very well and has followed them as a couple- that is the job of the person offering the toast at the reception.</p>
<p>3togo - i am only relaying what I heard. It was an Indian American wedding and family comes first over groom’s friends is all I can say. If the groom did not like it, he could have eloped. The bride’s family dictated all the terms and expected the groom’s family to pay for half. Unfortunately for the groom, he has several uncles, aunts from father’s and mother’s side and none of the family members could be denied an invitation. There was a cap on the number.</p>
<p>I wonder how it works when one side demands that the other pay half, and they don’t HAVE half? Is that side simply cut out of the wedding altogether?</p>
<p>I have one S and if he chose to marry a girl whose family insisted on us paying half of a wedding for 300 at $250 a head, I’d be in hot water because we simply don’t have that kind of money, nor would I spent that much on a wedding even if I did. I wonder what such parents do?</p>
<p>sseamom, I would be in the same boat. I will NOT pay for a wedding. I have told my daughters that and it is their responsibility to communicate that fact to their fiances and families. It is my husband’s and my policy to not pay for weddings and we aren’t kidding. Potential inlaws can demand whatever they want but they won’t get it from us.</p>
<p>I am Catholic,as is most of my family, so I’ve been to a lot of Catholic weddings. Different priests take different approaches, but the basic ceremony is the same. In our case, Father knew that DH was not Catholic, was very accomodating and inclusive. We wrote vows, he paused when DH’s family continued the Our Father (different closing sentences). I have been to weddings were the homily was very “preachy”, I’ve been to weddings were it was not. To some extent, how well the priest or celebrant knows the couple has an impact on the homily. </p>
<p>In our case, my parents paid for most of the wedding. Both sides more or less invited who they wanted (250+ people–not really uncommon in my family). But that was more than 20 years ago. Since D is only 18, we haven’t really discussed how we will deal with expenses…for one thing we’ll have to see if we have any money left after grad school!</p>
<p>A place that a bride/wedding planner can be accomodating to guests RE religious services is in the leaflet. With a liturgical service it is polite and very helpful to have directions in italics e.g. “The congregation will now stand and sing hymn number ____ which can be found on page ___ in the red hymnal or insert.” “The congregation remains standing . . .” That way people are lead through the standing, sitting, finding of things etc. It also helps to print out the order of service and readings so people not familiar don’t feel lost. I think that is helpful and appreciated by all. However, I wouldn’t expect the couple/family/church to step outside their joint tradition and preferences to please guests. I you attend a traditional Russian Orthodox wedding you will be standing (unless infirm) and there will be incense. Just don’t wear heels ;)</p>
<p>I thought the American dream includes a dream wedding for only the bride and the case here points to bride’s side asking to split. Grooms are usually an afterthought anyway. :p</p>
<p>The point is that more people are requesting the costs to be split irrespective who is planning it. If someone is expecting the other side to split and they refuse, it is an entirely different problem.</p>
<p>It is why I would prefer to pay for the wedding and have it the way my daughter wants it rather than worry about the groom side’s budget (may it be bigger or smaller than my). If the groom’s family feels the reception we have is not grand enough, they would certainly be welcome to have another reception.</p>
<p>There are parents who won’t pay for a wedding, just like some parents will not pay for college, but it would be hard for me not to have a party to celebrate one of my girl’s biggest events. I would do that before I do a lot of other things.</p>
<p>oldfort, you never mention the GROOM. Doesn’t he get to suggest AS MUCH as your daughter for the wedding? Even if his family ISN’T paying anything? It sounds SO controlling and mom/bridezillaish to say that your DAUGHTER gets what SHE wants because YOU’RE paying. I know some people feel the groom and his family’s role is just show up, but again, it’s about two families merging.</p>
<p>I do think that if any side DEMANDS a contribution, that’s just another form of control to get what THEY want and to heck with the other side. When any side makes unilateral demands and won’t budge, it’s really about control and not at all about the purpose of the wedding.</p>
<p>Older D is in a serious relationship but at 22 she’s not at all ready for marriage. I was talking to her yesterday about this and her take is that she and her BF would be doing the planning withing THEIR finances and what the two families would be most confortable with. She specifically mentioned our elderly family friend and her BF’s grandmother, who is disabled as reasons they would choose or decline certain venues. Now, I’d much rather have a D who thinks that way than one who says, “This is what <em>I</em> want and if anyone else, groom included, doesn’t like it, too bad.”</p>
<p>
They have an entire TV series about such people.</p>
<p>Again, sseamom, you just seem very judgmental. YOU have raised the perfect D according to you. It is very to easy to ask other people to be considerate when you are not contributing, and when others are not bending over backwards then they are money grabbing and being a bridezilla.</p>
<p>zoosermom - why don’t you pay for your elderly relatives’ relaxation room and car service to take them back and forth for your kids’ weddings? Oh, but wait, you are not paying. You are just going to make sure other people provide such services.</p>