<p>There needs to be consciousness about access issues if the couple truly cares about guests and/or loved ones who need access. If they have any folks who fit into this category, one cannot “assume” that all public facilities have access, as ZM points out above. Especially many of the older buildings have EXTREMELY LIMITED to no handicapped access. Our state capitol building which was built before ADA has extremely poor handicapped access, as admitted by the legislators we have spoken with with no plans to make changes. Grass, sand, curbs, long distances, and other obstacles make outdoors very challenging for handicapped folks too.</p>
<p>As MOG two years ago, early on we gifted the MOB a check that we could afford as our share and told her we trusted and respected her aesthetic sensibilities. It was much easier to stay OUT of all the numerous wedding planning details, from venue to floral decor and leave it to her. She created a gracious, hospitable weekend plan that hung together. She took into account a few relatives with special dietary needs; I brought that up and she was wonderful to follow through. Actually she did more for them than I normally do. </p>
<p>She delegated (completely) several large elements that were of great interest to the couple: music, photography, ceremonial preparations (bride and groom are both religiously grounded). They selected and contracted musicians and photographer who were in synch with their own aesthetic vision. On two occasions, they made special weekend trips: to make final choice on venue (MOB had scouted several) and later to taste-test meal items and cake at the venue. Bride bought her own dress in the city at a charitable resale, but MOB ran in to photograph the excitement that day, as it was something the two of them had often dreamed about together. </p>
<p>I was 500 miles away, and concentrated on managing my own relatives to RSVP on time. I also put them on notice that, unlike at our own functions, there was no way I would tolerate any displays of disfunction at this event. <em>I</em> was the one to tell them to suck-it-up if they had ANY complaints, whatsoever…before and on the big day. </p>
<p>I added a few ceremonial decorative flourishes, after approval from the couple. I embroidered a cloth chuppah (wedding canopy), carried over the couple on poles which were bamboo stalks from the MOB’s garden. The bride’s stepfather, an engineer, invented a way to affix the cloth to the bamboo poles. </p>
<p>In Jewish style, the bride walked down the aisle flanked by her parents, who had been divorced; in front of those three walked the two step-parents. To be represented down the aisle by her own blended family meant the world to this bride. Under the chuppah, we had chairs waiting for the two aged grandparents to sit up closer-than-close, to see and hear every word of their beautifully written vows. Each of the couple’s uncles (they have only uncles) recited one of the 7 blessings. The family-heavy ceremony was balanced by the reception, where all the couples’ many friends (from 2 colleges and more recent work lives in the city) danced amazingly and were center-of-attention. </p>
<p>It was a LOT of work, especially planning from long distances and entertaining so many travellers. But we all have happy memories of the event. Being creative, sensitive to the couple’s priorities, and giving up hyper-control of details is my recipe for joy.</p>
<p>Generally, the wedding food has choices including chicken, beef, fish and vegetarian choices so I’ve never encountered any problems. At my d’s wedding we gave the guests 5 entree choices and out of 160 guests, only 2 picked vegetarian, I had expected more. Another surprising fact was only 8 chose chicken. There were a few guests who had to be gluten free but they were able to pick one of the 5 choices.
We had the wedding at a local resort/hotel where the ceremony was at 5PM followed by cocktail reception and dinner immediately after at the same venue. It was very convenient and many guests (all out-of town) chose to stay there overnight as well.
The b&g didn’t want a church wedding but we had a retired minister who performed the ceremony with little religious overtones. Many guests mentioned how much they liked the ceremony because the minister mentioned the sanctity and meaning of marriage and he did not mention God or Jesus.</p>
<p>Many caterers can (with little fuss and no extra expense) prepare food for folks with special dietary needs, especially if they have advance notice – sometimes even on the spot. This would often be more than just “lots of salad.” Have been to a growing number of events where a vegetarian options are offered as a matter of course, since there are growing number of folks being more conscious about what they eat, especially as they age.</p>
<p>oldfort, as others have said, there are MANY public places without easy access for infirm or wheelchair-bound people. I thought weddings were about family and friends celebrating TOGETHER the union of a couple. I would assume that anyone invited is PART of the the family or a close enough friend that one would WANT to accommodate them. </p>
<p>Unless it’s just a money-grab for the couple and it’s all about them, I’d think they’d want to make the day as easy and fun as possible for everyone, including those with dietary issues, mobility issues, etc. so that it’s a happy day for THEM too? Wouldn’t they want to look back on the day and say, “Wasn’t it nice that old Uncle was able to make it?” “I’m glad we got a special meal for our vegetarian friends so they were comfortable.” “It was nice having EVERYONE there!” </p>
<p>Shrug. I guess it doesn’t actually matter to some people. I admit to being surprised.</p>
<p>Wow. I guess weddings can bring the best and the worst out of people. I do agree the problem with this thread as someone mentioned is the difference between immediate family and other guests. Of course you can’t and shouldn’t cater to the whims of 200 plus guests and no one is suggesting that. Simple conversations can clear up issues. We had the same deal when a cousin got married. Not all cousins were invited and didn’t expect to be. But my husband and I were “invited” to make sure that my mother could attend. Of course the bride and groom should not be responsible for my mother, a stroke patient, but they tactfully made the suggestion because they wanted her there. As far as the food I have never been to an event fancy or not that a vegeterian option (fish, ravioli,…) was not available. I think Oldfort just sees things as black and white and can’t help wonder where do you draw the line so just avoid it all. As far as the paying part I do feel the one writing the check should have a little more clout. Especially true if funds are limited, duh, and the other side makes suggestions and or demands that increase the price signficantly.</p>
<p>sseamom - you seem very judgmental of what others are willing to do or not, and that’s interesting to me.<br>
If people do not see it your way or want to do it your way then they are money-grabber and self centered.</p>
<p>What about if the couple always wanted to have a wedding on a beach? Should they not have that because it maybe not possible for some people to get to?</p>
<p>That’s a tough one…the beach. But I guess you be upfront with the discussion. " We would like to have the ceremony on the beach." (Not reception…Too hard to dance in sand and who wants sand in their food…) " Let’s brainstorm how we can make this work for Grandma." If civil conversations can’t take place now I do see problems down the road with holidays and children and vacations…</p>
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Not at all. They could arrange to have a walkway built or a viewing location nearby (I saw that at a beach wedding here. The elderly were sitting on benches overlooking the actual beach. No extra cost.), or they could have those unable to attend view by videocam. I would think this would be good for the bride and groom, as well. What if they always wanted a beach wedding but wanted grandma present even more? If they knew ahead of time, they could make their own choice or arrangements and not be surprised by guests who aren’t able to attend.</p>
<p>I say have the beach wedding but offer beach wheelchairs and some shaded seating. I think there is a middle ground where the couple gets their invisioned wedding and guests are made comfortable. Thinking ahead is important. I went to a relative’s wedding where a nurse had been hired for the day to accompany the elderly family matriarch. Talk about money well spent. She got to be there and was beaming the whole time, and nobody had to worry about taking her to the bathroom or back to the hotel when she was tired.</p>
<p>"What about if the couple always wanted to have a wedding on a beach? Should they not have that because it maybe not possible for some people to get to? "</p>
<p>My sister nixed several ideas my niece had because they wouldn’t work for my parents and other elderly relatives. One was a barn in the middle of a nature preserve where you had to walk on dirt paths with stones and roots for quite a ways. </p>
<p>Another friend had to tell her daughter that the mountain top was out of the question because the grandmother was 93 and not about to walk up half a mile or so.</p>
<p>There would probably be more than one 93 year old grandmother who wouldn’t be interested in a half mile trek!</p>
<p>If anyone is using this thread to make checklists, it would be great if one member from each “side” was appointed become familiar with and deal with access issues. The bride and her family cannot possibly be expected to know that the groom’s great uncle is in a wheelchair unless someone tells them. Also, on each side, the parents probably know better what kind of physical shape the older relatives are in and the bride/groom should know about any special accommodations their friends need.</p>
<p>As for disablities access, I don’t think the ADA applies to churches.</p>
<p>ADA doesn’t apply to a lot of places. And there was no way in h*** I was getting married in a place without easy access. My mother was going to be a part of my wedding, tough if it limited reception choices. And so was my godmother…which meant we needed to accomodate wheelchairs and walkers. The tables needed to be set up so that the wheelchair and walkers could get by.</p>
<p>I do think it’s nice, and generally easier on everyone, to have someone on each side deal with access, and food issues. But that means each side gets at least some input.</p>
<p>There were some elderly relatives whom we wanted to invite out of respect of our deceased parents because they were once close. We also invited their children (which we otherwise would not have invited) so they could help with driving their parents and mobility issues.
We were very happy that despite their advanced age, they decided to attend the wedding and with great effort on their part. My H’s aunt and uncle were in their 90’s, flew all the way from PA to CA. She had limited mobility and had a wheelchair standby. We all knew that this was their last cross-country trip.
My cousin had her tickets bought and was going to travel halfway across the world despite being on oxygen and against medical advice. I called her and politely told her to obey her doctor’s orders.</p>
<p>My H just celebrated his 50th birthday. It was a VERY big deal to him since neither of his parents lived that long. He wanted a big party-nothing FANCY, but a big one nonetheless.</p>
<p>One of the guests on his list was an 88 yo woman with mobility issues. He ruled out his favorite beach location, which was available free and with shelter and restrooms SOLELY because it would have been difficult for this ONE person. He chose a vegetarian dish for those who don’t eat meat, and included games for the few young kids who would be there. It isn’t hard to think of others’ comfort and any large gathering, I would hope, would involve planners who go by “do unto others”, religious or not.</p>
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<p>I would go so far as to suggest that if input isn’t requested, it should still be given. It may not occur to a bride or her parents that a guest may have mobility or food allergy issues, if no one on her side has these issues. The groom has to be brave enough to gently speak up, so the bride is not accused of ignoring issues of which she was not aware. </p>
<p>Don’t be afraid to ask relatives to take care of the older relatives. Many don’t have a specific “job” to do as part of the wedding and would be more than glad to be in charge of making sure the great aunt gets from place to place.</p>
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Yesyesyes. I’m trying to remember now if I made a point of asking my d1’s MIL ahead of time about possible special needs in her family, and I’m afraid I probably didn’t. Not because I didn’t care or because we were spending more money on the wedding or for any nefarious reason, but because it didn’t occur to me to ask that question. My d was an excellent planner and knew what accommodations needed to be made, I’m sure because the MIL told her - just as I reminded her what was needed for older members of our family. Much care was taken to be considerate of seniors. One set of grandparents was annoyed at first because the wedding was 400 miles from their home - but that meant that another set, in even frailer health, could easily attend. </p>
<p>If a family member is aware of special needs (diet, allergies, mobility issues, etc.), it’s so helpful if they speak up about it instead of waiting to be asked. And then of course the host/planner can make the needed accommodations. It would be nice if people on all sides could assume good intent and that no offense is meant - then agreeably and politely communicate about important needs.</p>
<p>I have attended three weddings (and several funerals), that I would not normally have attended, to escort and care for my elderly (almost 90!) mother. She does not use a walker or wheelchair but is not as steady as she used to be. Also, she no longer drives at night. The families of the bride and groom have enough to do and I am happy to make sure my mother is able to have an enjoyable day/evening. At our niece’s wedding next month, I will make sure my sister has no worries about our mom. She will be busy enough!</p>
<p>On another note, I read a great book this summer by Jeffrey Zaslow. It’s called: The Magic Room: A Story about the Love We Wish for Our Daughters.</p>
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<p>I have a cousin who was a teenager when my parents got married. Her task for the wedding was to act as a buffer for my father’s very recently (and messily) divorced parents and try to stay in between them at all times.</p>