<p>Culturally we seem to be getting away from the idea of the wedding as a symbolic dowry paid for by the bride’s father, and moving toward the idea that the couple themselves are the hosts, not the extended family (either bride’s or groom’s). From a practical standpoint, this shift might make things easier in terms of family politics. Or maybe not.</p>
<p>Just received the invitation to our niece’s wedding. Niece is 30. Fianc</p>
<p>I think that cake and punch in the church hall is fine if everyone lives in the same small town, but if people are travelling to a wedding–or any social event–it is really necessary to provide some real food. Nice tea sandwiches would be perfectly fine, can easily be prepared by friends and family–or church ladies, I’ve done it myself for memorial services and the like–and are not beyond anyone’s budget.</p>
<p>NJSue, I’ve never heard of people changing their clothes between the ceremony and the reception! It’s not just in the midwest that that would be considered odd. 
I think that a lot of what people think are NY or NJ customs are really Jewish or Italian customs, including giving money. (Giving money seems to me to be associated with Eastern European and Mediterranean cultures, probably stemming from the old custom of giving bridal gold.) I grew up within 40 miles of NYC in CT, and I recall seeing The Godfather with a friend, and neither of us could figure out what was going on with the bride and the bag and the envelopes. I think we had to consult the book. :D</p>
<p>I have been to family, friends, co-workers weddings and of all ethnicity, most of the time people gave money. I think it is because a lot more people are getting married later, and they just don’t need another set of candle sticks or plates.</p>
<p>I think people change their clothes between the ceremony and the reception is because they may wear more conservative outfit to a place of worship. I would normally put on a shawl at the ceremony then take it off later.</p>
<p>One of the most difficult decision to make is where to have the wedding. It is easier if both sides live close to each other, but when they are no where close, it is hard to make everyone happy. The couple may have more friends from one city/region than others. This when I would focus on what would make the couple happy instead of taking input from a lot of non-essential relatives.</p>
<p>Both of our girls are atheist. I don’t know if they would agree to have a religious ceremony. I would assume that whoever they marry would be an atheist or not very religious, and wouldn’t care if it’s a religious ceremony or not. But if someone from the groom’s family (grandparent) should object, I don’t know how accommodating I or my kids would be.</p>
<p>I do agree with the post that there is no need for two families to merge. It’s my kid marrying into the family, not us. We would always be cordial, but wouldn’t expect to celebrate major holidays together.</p>
<p>Have performed weddings on the beach and at parks, as well as hotels and restaurants. Have attended wedding performed any number of lovely venues. As long as the couple is happy and entering the union joyfully and of free will, I’m happy to perform the ceremony. If you try to please everyone, you’ll make yourself crazy.</p>
<p>'I am not originally from NJ and some of the wedding customs here make me scratch my head. The huge gap between the ceremony and the reception is a common one. Another is people wearing casual clothes to the ceremony and then dressing up for the reception–I always thought the ceremony was the important part, but apparently that is a midwestern assumption!"</p>
<p>I’m from the NE and I have never been to a wedding where there is a gap between the ceremony and reception or people change clothes. That is, however, common at Bar/Bat Mitzvah’s where the service is in the morning, followed by a small reception/luncheon and people dress conservatively (suits) - then have hours to kill before the fancy evening party.</p>
<p>My niece is getting married in September. The ceremony is at 2 pm at a church, followed immediately by the reception. I am dressing for the party part - wearing fancy beaded black dress.</p>
<p>Wow. i agree with oldfort for the most part. I do not think I will ever get married as that isn’t something that appeals to me. However, if I would, I do not want any one else contributing a dime. The groom and I would be the only ones paying and deciding everything! no consults on anything! ( would not marry anyone who didnt agree with this philosophy).our wedding, we pay, our way. dont like it dont come. hate it or offended that much then cut off contact, I wont care.money, gift or not, is power and we all know it. Dress would depend on the venue and season. NEedless to say I am not a traditionist. i can see myself doing anything from a club in vegas to nyc ballroom
to a hall in rural wyoming.</p>
<p>To address the OP: we are earmarking one bucket of money (an employee stock option to be exercised later) for, hopefully, two weddings (probably 10 years out given kids’ ages). I think we will give a lump sum to each kid. D and S will get equal amount and do with it as they see fit. S may get less cash, but my ring (a family heirloom that is valuable) if he (and fiancee) would like. My preference is to include the other family on invite even if we are the primary funder. I think two families are merging and want to start off in a spirit of mutal graciousness and support of both the bride and groom. My opinions would be expressed if requested, but would take a back seat to those of the bride and groom.<br>
Regarding the drink tickets: we have them for work functions (and it is for the liability issue more than the cost issue); the company even sponsored cabs home for those who bought themselves more beverages. I have never seen them at weddings, but my neighbor had an open bar at a wedding that turned into a cash bar about an hour before the music ended. It definitely slowed down consumption (esp. among the young college grad guests). I like the idea of wine at the table versus a full bar, but that may be because I like wine. I don’t think a reception should be a reason to go nuts with alcohol. My SIL’s true colors and family dysfunction came out in full force with the wedding planning and the actual day. In this case, if the “bad will,” unkindness, and competitiveness on her side continue; my poor brother!</p>
<p>want to start off in a spirit of mutal graciousness and support of both the bride and groom. My opinions would be expressed if requested, but would take a back seat to those of the bride and groom. </p>
<p>I like this, momof2kids.</p>
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<p>Mom3ToGo and I are more like agnostics and from very different religions and different cultures. We were married by a JP but added traditional elements of both culture’s ceremonies to our ceremony and also included traditional elements to our service and vows (we worked with the JP to write both). In the end both families connected to the service and we didn’t hear any complaints. If anyone had been uncompromising the ceremony would not have worked for them but fortunately we didn’t have that issue (at least not to our faces)</p>
<p>3togo, My H & I did the exact same thing. We had a chuppah, sipped from the wine glass and DH broke glass at end, then at the end of the reception we carried the trays around with the traditional Italian cookies.</p>
<p>The religious issue would be a tough one for me, too. I’ve been to all kinds of weddings, and I’ve noted that some clergy make the wedding about the couple (without ignoring religion), and some make it all about their (the clergy’s) religion. (Same thing with funerals, actually.) It is not very pleasant for non-believers and adherents of other religions to sit through a service in which the celebrant goes on and on about “We, as Christians/Catholics.”* It would be one thing if you knew the couple shares a strong religious belief. Then it is expected, if you want to share their ceremony. But when you know they don’t… If my S the atheist marries someone who insists on that type of wedding, I’ll have to get my smile and nod muscles in shape. :)</p>
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<li>I’m sure that some clergy of other faith groups do this also. I just haven’t heard it from them.</li>
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<p>I keep thinking about this thread and I can’t help but wonder if the people who say, “My money, MY way” are like that in other aspects of life. When you have people over for dinner do you offer a vegetarian dish for vegetarians or do you tell them to suck it up or go hungry? Do you send peanut products in with your kids’ lunches even when someone at school is allergic because YOU paid for them? Do you have family events at places with access problems because that’s where YOU want them even when an elder can’t get in-does s/he just have to suck it up or stay home?</p>
<p>Or is it only weddings where you feel your way is the only way? I’m genuinely curious because I don’t actually know anyone like this. In my world most people try to be inclusive and to work with others.</p>
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I have the same question.</p>
<p>When we have a big dinner party, 10+ people, we don’t make something special for anyone. There is usually enough other food that most people could eat without going hungary. When we have a small party, we’ll ask people if there is specific food they didn’t like, and we won’t serve it (you won’t eat meat, fine, we’ll serve fish). </p>
<p>There is time and place for everything, and there is appropriate behavior expected of people. When there are 200+ people at a wedding…yes, I do expect most guests to suck it up, it is not all about you all the time. If you are a vegetarian, eat a lot of salad and skip the main course, you are not going to go hungary, don’t ask someone to make something special for you and get upset when they don’t ask. </p>
<p>If there is an aunt or grandparent who has difficult time getting around, let other relatives help out a bit, instead of expecting the bride/groom and immediate family to make special arrangements. Just because someone is hosting a party, doesn’t mean that person all of sudden becomes a babysitter for 200+ people and need to make everyone happy. Personally, I think if that’s what you expect, then you are a very selfish person.</p>
<p>People always want to be inclusive when it is nothing off their back.</p>
<p>oldfort-WOW, so you’d leave a disabled or elderly CLOSE relative to just work it out for themselves instead of choosing a venue that would make it easier for them to attend. And you say OTHERS are selfish for expecting accommodations! </p>
<p>No one is suggesting that 200 people have each and every whim catered to, but that IN a large group there might be those who need a bit of extra effort. I’ve been to a lot of large dinners and there is ALWAYS a real vegetarian option, not just salad, which isn’t a filling meal. And in some situations it’s ILLEGAL to have no handicapped access, which should tell you how important it is to HAVE it. </p>
<p>It’s hysterical to me that you think “appropriate behavior” means that anyone with special needs just lay down and accept an inconsiderate person’s “my way or the highway” philosophy. What on earth would you expect a wheelchair-bound person to do if you wanted a venue with no access? Have family member CARRY her in?? </p>
<p>I’m just stunned.</p>
<p>sseamom - I really don’t know why you are so indignant about. ALL public facilities have handicapped access, so what’s the problem? What would you expect the bride and groom do? Carry wheel chair bound person in? I don’t really understand what you are getting at.</p>
<p>There was a wedding & reception the other week that was about an hour’s drive from the homes of many of the octogenerian relatives, including an aunt and uncle of the bride. When the sibbling of the bride married at similar location a few years prior, they also invited the oldest child & her spouse of that couple so they could safely be transported to & from the wedding & reception. This time they didn’t. The uncle was very nervous about driving that long a stretch late at night so left immediately after dining, not staying for any of the program. We were all just relieved that they aunt & uncle made it to & from the wedding safely, since it was MUCH further than the couple usually drives.</p>
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No. Most people are inclusive as a matter of course.</p>
<p>As far as people with disabilities, there are some venues that are completely inaccessible to anyone in a wheelchair. And if a member of either family was in a wheelchair, it would be ugly to exclude them.</p>
<p>And, again, you seem to have trouble distinguishing between guests and immediate family. Two totally different perspectives.</p>
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No, they absolutely do not. Emphatically. Have you ever tried to move a wheelchair on sand? I was recently at a christening in a church that was very old and very small. No wheelchair access, either.</p>