<p>There is nothing disrespectful about inviting people to a party you are throwing. The perspective maybe different than what some like to think, but I have avoided a lot of drama in my life to let people know what I am willing to do and people are free to make their own choice. Like I said before, I would have no problem in not planning or paying for a wedding. But if I am to do it, the only way to do it is focus on what’s important and not worry about trying to accommodate everyone.</p>
<p>Oldfort, I’m trying to understand. What is important to focus on if not accommodating family?</p>
<p>Since we are so “accommodating,” what would you be willing to do and not willing to do? Where would you draw the line?</p>
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No, I don’t think wedding is to accomodate family.</p>
<p>I don’t have a “line to be drawn.”. It’s not my wedding - it’s my child’s and future spouse’s wedding. And “accommodating” is not a dirty word in my book. Sounds like we just have different ideas as to what a wedding is. That’s ok. Wish you the best.</p>
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<p>Southmom, to get back to your original questions…
- Our contributions for this wedding will be:
- the reception buffet dinner next summer, should S and fiancee go with DH and S2 and both families cooking. If they want catering, they are paying.
- In addition, we have used frequent flyer miles to bring S1’s future MIL over for the civil ceremony and Amtrak points for a trip to NYC afterwards.
- If I make the flower girls’ dresses, my time and labor. Ditto for time and labor on table decorations/programs/photo collages that S and fiancee would like to have, but which are not feasible for them to bring on a plane from CA/ship via mail when the time comes.
- nice lunch for six after the civil ceremony
- rehearsal dinner next summer </p>
<p>Bride and groom have already decided on no open bar, though they will pay for wine at the table if it is not too much bureaucratic hassle. </p>
<p>For most of this, the amounts involved are small enough (or free time/labor/mileage) and spread out over enough time that we will pay out of current income.</p>
<p>2) We are all having a good time discussing the various aspects of planning and hearing what they would like. We are all on the same page in terms of organizational skills and coordination and S and fiancee want us involved. DH and I are delighted that they ask us for advice, despite the fact that we are <em>parents</em>!</p>
<p>3) Wedding dress shopping: Well, I went to one place in Collegeville, PA, tried on a couple dresses, but had no clue as to how they’d actually look on me since the samples were size 8 and I was a 14. It was actually pretty depressing. My mom was not with me, as she lived 700 miles away at the time. I ultimately made my own. S’s fiancee’s dress is a stunning forest green. She ordered it online for under $100. (I love this young woman!) Have no idea of her mom was involved, but S and fiancee think it is fantastic.</p>
<p>4) Tips: The process of planning a wedding is often the first time a couple has to really deal with what they want as a couple and negotiate those changing relationships with parents. If they haven’t lived together, there are lots of things one learns about priorities and spending habits as the couple decides what they want. Advice to parents of the B&G? Breathe. Be gracious. Make an effort to put aside differences in the name of harmony. Take cold feet seriously.</p>
<p>5) Funny stories – DH dipped me in a dance and I fell splat! on the floor. Yes, it was documented by those loving family members running around with cameras. We had 25 people in our apartment the night of the wedding. They made us leave. :(</p>
<p>Not-so-funny story: We had some alcohol in our apt. for our guests. One of our neighbors came over and was quite helpful in helping us with the many college-age friends who were crashing at our place. What we didn’t know was that she had been sober for several years, relapsed and binged at our house, and wound up back at rehab. Almost 30 years later, I am still so sorry that we presented a stumbling block to her sobriety. I had no idea that alcohol was a problem and found out many of the details from our friends who were there. She had been living with her 89 yo grandmother (who was funny, kind and keen as a whip) as a caretaker, and after the relapse, her grandmother had to go into assisted care. S and fiancee don’t know this story, but I will admit to breathing a big sigh of relief when they said they didn’t want an open bar.</p>
<p>CountingDown: You sound both super gracious and handy with a needle and thread! Your future daughter-in-law sounds awesome! Sounds like you’re all having fun with the wedding preparations!</p>
<p>I will be the super ungracious one some day. 
I am not handy with needle/thread either. I am the best boy deterrent for my girls.</p>
<p>Hahaha oldfort!</p>
<p>That’s not always a bad thing, oldfort. :)</p>
<p>"If the Bride and Groom cannot manage to plan a wedding that accomodates both of their families, good luck planning a life together. While there is certainly no need to turn oneself into a pretzel, some consideration and kindness should be extended to all members of both families, especially the elderly and ill. "</p>
<p>Oh, absolutely! I cannot imagine one of my kids marrying into a family where the attitude is, “We pay, you suck it up, no matter how inconvenient to you and how easy it would be for us to accommodate you. Too bad for you because you don’t really matter since we have the cash.” UGH. UGH. UGH.</p>
<p>I am one of 5 siblings and my parents were both around for three of our weddings. In all three it was the fiance’s family with more money and not one of them insisted that because THEY had the money and/or connections they got to call all of the shots. And in all three they contributed more to the events than my parents (and no, they weren’t all the bride’s parents).</p>
<p>In my H’s extended family, everyone who’s even remotely connected to anyone is welcomed as real family, there are no “steps” and no “half” anything. Parties include everyone and accommodations are often made. Weddings (the part where the actual, all-important vows are exchanged) are joint efforts and the more the merrier. One reception was planned for a specific day solely so that one person dear to the bride could make it. </p>
<p>These weddings aren’t TV-worthy but the families certainly bond over time since everyone is included as “real” family from the beginning. My kids have more “cousins”, “aunts”, “uncles”, and even a “grandma” or two that aren’t related to them in any way. I can only hope I’ll be half as gracious when and if my kids marry some day.</p>
<p>^^^Good for you, happy it worked out for your family. What’s wonderful about CC is that not everyone has same point of view.</p>
<p>It seems that many weddings are becoming huge staged events where guests are treated as extras in a Cecil B. DeMille production instead of guests. I also cringe at the idea of charging guests anything, limiting their refreshments (i.e. drink tickets), demanding that they dress in a certain manner (i.e. follow some color scheme), and making them wait hours between the ceremony and the reception. I thought that the concept of hospitality was that you treated your guests, not the other way around. If you can’t afford a full bar and a sit-down dinner, just have cake and champagne (or coffee), which is fine; for for goodness’ sake, don’t make guests “cover” their plate. Nice weddings, big or small, are those at which guests feel appreciated. These “royalty for a day” events are generally boring and tacky for everyone else except the couple.</p>
<p>NJSue - you may think all of those things are tacky (and I feel the same), but what if the other family doesn’t feel the same. Your idea of tacky maybe someone else’s norm. I have heard from friends who traveled long distance to a wedding only to be given champagne and cake, they thought it was tacky. I have also heard from people who said it was too short between the ceremony and the reception, and they didn’t have time to go back to their hotel to change before the reception.</p>
<p>On the issue of “cover” the plate, I don’t think the host ever say or think that, except it is often expected at some regions, like NJ.</p>
<p>NJSue–I’ve never seen drink tickets at a wedding, but I have at an all-company holiday party and the idea was not to save money, but to possibly save lives. More people will drink too much, too fast at an open bar than at a cash bar.</p>
<p>Oldfort–I am not originally from NJ and some of the wedding customs here make me scratch my head. The huge gap between the ceremony and the reception is a common one. Another is people wearing casual clothes to the ceremony and then dressing up for the reception–I always thought the ceremony was the important part, but apparently that is a midwestern assumption!</p>
<p>Bethievt–I understand the idea of controlling people’s consumption, but I think the classier solution is to avoid an open bar if that’s a concern at a wedding–or people could just watch out for Uncle Bob who’s known to have a problem and cut him off. I don’t think that rationing refreshments at a social event is tasteful. Hopefully people will not make fools of themselves. Maybe I am naive.</p>
<p>I have been to weddings where vans have been provided to take people home, or back to the hotel, if necessary.</p>
<p>NJSue–I don’t think there’s an easy answer for this. Vans are probably a really good idea.</p>
<p>Some couple limit the ceremony to only close friends relatives. Even when it is open to everyone, it is not bad manners not to go to the ceremony.</p>
<p>oldfort–my sister limited her 2nd wedding to only her children and grandchildren. That’s what she felt she could do. Everyone in the family supported this. None of us had big weddings and we all just did what felt right for us.</p>
<p>To those who said " I cannot imagine one of my kids marrying into a family where the attitude is,…" ** very different from ours.**
Yes, it is possible that young men and women from very dysfunctional families can marry into your family and they could become good spouses for your children and great fathers/mothers for your grandchildren.</p>
<p>However, I don’t know about the joining of (2) families. There may be more than several step, half families joining and I told my children they are the ones joining their families, not necessarily us. However we will be cordial.</p>