<p>Then don’t wear it if she was allergic to it. It was not the grandmother’s wedding. With all the stuff going into a wedding, I don’t think it would really cross anyone’s mind that someone maybe allergic to a real corsage. If it was that important to the grandmother she could have mentioned it, otherwise just smile and nod.</p>
<p>bethie, we decided to have both sets of parents listed because, as another poster mentioned, it’s about joining two families. Had nothing to do with who was paying what. I am sure my MIL would have had something to say about it if we had not included her and FIL on the invites, but part of my thinking was to circumvent complaints. Didn’t cost me anything and didn’t bother me to do it. </p>
<p>There is also the practical aspect of guests of the bride/groom’s parents knowing in whose honor the wedding is being held! However, I have noticed in trolling wedding invites online that more couples are just listing their names on the invitation. S1 and fiancee have not gotten that far in their planning yet, so I don’t know what they will do. If they ask advice, I’ll give my opinion, but it is not a hill I am willing to die on. </p>
<p>zooser, amen! S and fiancee have already talked to DH about menu options for the vegetarians, vegans and gluten intolerant friends among the guests. Since DH used to do the catering at our synagogue, he is used to accommodations and is happy to do it. We are used to short-order cooking at our house…</p>
<p>To my mind, grandparents who are still with us and healthy enough to attend a grandchild’s wedding ceremony are especially honored guests. Meal accommodations, silk corsages, accessibility issues and a place to rest if needed are part of the “to do” things on the list. S and fiancee will likely recognize the grandparents who are not able to travel, not to mention getting them set up for the livestream broadcast. Heck, I’d make/order corsages and send them to the housebound grandmas so they can wear them while surfing the ceremony!</p>
<p>I have daughters and a son. I will celebrate their weddings and do whatever I can to make THEIR day special - not just the bride’s day, not just the groom’s day, but the COUPLE’S day. That’s what a wedding is about. It’s not just a staged production, it is the beginning of a union. One family will always have more money to spend on a wedding than the other family - is that the deciding factor as to who gets to “make all the decisions” versus consideration, kindness, and a celebration for the coming together of two families? If you can’t find a way to “share” a wedding, what will happen when grandchildren need to be shared? I don’t think anyone wins when forcing their children to choose between their family and their future spouse’s family. Life it too short to let “decorum”, money squabbles, and hosting squabbles get in the way of establishing good relationships with son-in-laws and daughter-in-laws.</p>
<p>Hello! It’s the OP. There are so many posts I’d like to respond to, but I’m short on time right now and will come back later. In the meantime, let me re-direct you to parts of my original post:</p>
<p>What did you do to prepare financially? Did you enjoy the process of planning things with your daughter (or son)? How was wedding dress shopping? Was it difficult making the guest list? Do you have any tips to share? Funny stories?</p>
<p>This thread is meant to be fun. It is not intended to be a debate about spending money for a wedding.</p>
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Grandparents aren’t “someone.” Anyone important enough to have a corsage should be treated with courtesy and respect.</p>
<p>"It’s about courtesy, oldfort. Of course the paying person chooses the venue and the date. But a courteous person would ask the other side if there are any special considerations, "</p>
<p>I would think so. Gosh, I can think of so many factors where the “non-paying side” should be consulted. Allergies come to mind-my younger D is highly allergic, like asthma-inducing allergic, to pollen. If the venue, flowers, etc. were chosen without her input-it might be that she would have an asthma attack at her own wedding! There are also food allergies, clothing allergies, or certain situations where members of the other family simply couldn’t manage-access, time of day, even venue. What if Grandma gets violently seasick but the host wants a boat wedding? Is Grandma told to just suck it up? What if it’s a special uncle to the groom whose family isn’t “contributing”? I put that in quotes because even if no money changes hands, they are contributing their SON!</p>
<p>The most successful weddings I’ve been to were really put together by the bride and groom with both families and even friends helping either with contributions like food or photography or parents’ funds. Everyone worked TOGETHER to pull off a great day.</p>
<p>There is such a thing as a personal responsibility. Speak up if you need special considerations. Whether you are paying or not, if it is not your special day, just suck it up. Bring your own food if you are that allergic. I am sure no one would starve with one missed meal. As much as everyone likes to say it is the bride/groom day, most people are expecting the young couple to be accomodating to every relative’s special needs.</p>
<p>Frankly, if my daughter wants fresh flowers at her wedding, she is not going to use silk flowers because someone is allergic, that’s not going to happen. But if it’s the bride who is having the allergy, then it is kind of hard to have a wedding without the bride.</p>
<p>From reading many posts here, it appears it is non essential people who are adding to the stress.</p>
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To whom do you speak up if the payin side has made it clear that they want no input from the other side? Isn’t that what you said? No input. And a grandparent isn’t every relative. Every couple fortunate enough to have grandparents present at their wedding should be very aware of that good fortune.</p>
<p>zoosermom -You could have bought your mother a silk corsage if it was that big of a deal. You can’t put your own values on someone else. I think YOU were more miffed about how you were treated at your niece’s wedding than how your mom was treated. I would have proved silk corsage if someone were to let me know about it and if it wasn’t too much trouble, but I wouldn’t think to ask.</p>
<p>My future son-in-law is already part of my family. Is my daughter’s “picture-perfect” dream wedding worth more than she and I trying to accommodate his relatively minor wishes? Absolutely not. Again, a wedding is not about staging the perfect dinner or the perfect ceremony - it’s a celebration and the beginning of a new union. Too many people let the pageantry override the real meaning of the day. Do you really remember the cold chicken at the end of the day or do you remember the sense of family and love?</p>
<p>Oldfort, it is not about the corsage. It is about courtesy. We paid for the reception but we did ask the other side if there was anything special they wanted. We wanted to blend our kids families. We did not want to start off on the wrong side of them. It turned out that there was no special requests or advice but it felt good and right to include them. Flexibility and kindness helps makes weddings and other events go much smoother. These are people whom you will interact with in the years to come. If you get along with them, it makes dividing holidays and visiting grandchildren much, much easier.</p>
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It is interesting that you are saying “relative minor wishes.” What about major wishes - like the venue, color of the wedding, how many people, alcohol or no alcohol, indoor or out door, bridal party…The list goes on.</p>
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Oldfort, there is some confusion. My mother did have a silk corsage at my niece’s wedding. I was simply using that allergy as an example of something that could be learned by the small act of one family asking the other “is there anything I should keep in mind when planning the wedding.” I stand by that. Decent people display consideration for others in social situations. It’s the fact that you wouldn’t think to ask if the other side has any special circumstances and that you think grandparents are any old people off the street that will make planning your kids’ weddings unnecessarily hostile. You said earlier that you aren’t familia with western customs. Consideration is a good custom for anyone.</p>
<p>Really, Oldfort, in the scheme of things, those are certainly minor issues. :). I can give on any of them if it means that my child and future in-laws are happy. Really, who cares in the long run?</p>
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I was being facetious. Causing too much dram at someone else wedding (party) is also not being considerate.</p>
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The ultimate decision for those things rests with the person signing the contract. I don’t necessarily think every detail has to be by consensus, but it is usual for the families to sit down and discuss the weddng. The groom’s family willl usually invite the bride’s family to their home after the engagement, and among the immediat families the lines of communication should be open. They should each indicate how much, if anything, they will contribute, and then convey any special needs.</p>
<p>It is also true that you will be stuck with these people for all the major events in the couple’s life and in the lives of their children. You don’t want to make those meetings cold and unpleasant.</p>
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If that’s the case, then no one should care one way or another, so who ever is planning the party (which is hard work) should just decide.</p>
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No one said anything about drama. You made that up. We are all trying to explain how to avoid drama by being respectful in the first place.</p>
<p>If the Bride and Groom cannot manage to plan a wedding that accomodates both of their families, good luck planning a life together. While there is certainly no need to turn oneself into a pretzel, some consideration and kindness should be extended to all members of both families, especially the elderly and ill.</p>
<p>Oldfort, if I can accommodate my kiddo’s in-laws wishes and keep the peace with all involved, it is just not that big of a deal to me. If I want my daughter’s wishes to be respected, I will certainly respect my son-in-law’s wishes. After all, what is a four hour ceremony/reception compared to the rest of their lives? I don’t mind “giving” on the details if it keeps everyone happy, but to each their own.</p>