<p>“One thing I’ve noticed from my friends having kids getting married is that the parent’s friends are not necessarily invited like they were when I got married.”</p>
<p>Deb, those are the kinds of things I’d love to hear about. Times change. </p>
<p>I’ve heard that the rehearsal dinner is not what it was when I got married many moons ago. Back then, the rehearsal dinner was for those people who were rehearsing the ceremony the night before the wedding (also including any immediate family members who weren’t in the bridal party). Now it seems to include family members who come in from out of town. What???</p>
<p>The other change I’ve heard is that it is rude not to include a “plus one” for single guests. Really??? It’s different if someone is engaged or in a long term relationship, but every single person needs to bring a date? Wow.</p>
<p>The rehearsal dinners we had included the bridal party, and the immediate families of the B&G, including grandparents. D3 who will be married soon, will be similar. We held them two nights prior to the wedding, which allowed for a day of relaxation prior to the big day, which we found worked very well. The day following the wedding, we had extended family to our home for a casual afternoon of swimming and a barbecue.</p>
<p>The plus-one situation was for those who were in relationships at the time that the invitations went out. We did not do a plus-one for every invitee who happened to be single. </p>
<p>As I mentioned before, the only family friends who were invited were those who were close, in some way, to my Ds. Same with the those on the groom’s side. We felt that the day should be about the b&g and not about inviting all of our friends. There were certainly close friends of ours there, but they were important in the lives of our kids and that’s why they were invited.</p>
<p>I have a 28-year-old daughter in a serious relationship and we are getting hints that this topic may be relevant to us in the coming year. Her significant other is a terrific guy but his parents have a complicated situation with a very un-amicable divorce. I do not think they have been in the same room in decades. D has met both parents but could not do so at the same time, although they have homes in the same (distant) city.</p>
<p>While this may not be an ideal approach, as I like the idea of a wedding demonstrating the blending of families, it might work well for those cases where the relationships are “complicated” or where families are geographically distant.</p>
<p>I have told D that her father and I have funds put away for a wedding, but that the choice of what, if anything, to do is up to her and her significant other. We will try to keep in mind that it is about the marriage more than the wedding. We will endeavor to be supportive of what **they **want, focusing on the long term. </p>
<p>But if we do have the opportunity to host a celebration, we would love to enthusiastically do so. :)</p>
<p>My kids aren’t anywhere near marriage-one isn’t seeing anyone. one is just dating, and the third is a teenager. So-the best FORMAL wedding I’ve been to was a couple of hours outside the city at a resort where the B & G’s families and the wedding party (of which H was a member) was allowed to stay, with their families. The “rehearsal dinner” was cooked by the groom and his restaurant industry buddies and there was a lot of free, fine wine. Anyone staying on site was invited.</p>
<p>The following morning breakfast was made by the father of the bride and again, anyone on site was invited. The wedding was in a field, and the bride arrived by horse-drawn carriage. Several members of the B & G’s close friends and family had a part in the wedding. A local singing group known for it’s stunning gospel music renditions was hired to provide the musical interludes. Following the wedding was a party with a sit-down dinner and a great DJ, also a friend of the couple. Favors were seed packets printed with the couple’s names. Seating was assigned by matching candid shots of the B & G on the table with the one on your seed packet. Somewhere along the line the MOB took all the kids out for ice cream-I think that was the day before the wedding. The whole thing was paid for by our rather successful friend, the groom. He and the bride collaborated on all of it. Guests seemed equally spaced between B & G and numbered about 100.</p>
<p>The best INFORMAL wedding I’ve been to was another friend’s just a month ago. The wedding was a short, religious ceremony help directly after regular Sunday services. All of her friends and family were welcome. She wore a pretty off-the-rack dress and the groom wore a suit. The party was held a week later so that some family could be there.
The party was at her house, outside. Tents were put up and the tables were the kind you can buy at Costco, covered with paper in the theme colors. Friends, and the GROOM made the food, I made the cake. A DJ was hired and everyone danced until late into the night. Drinks were BYO. B & G paid for it all and planned it all themselves. Everyone who was even remotely friends or extended family was invited and I think about 100 were there at one time or another. Lots of kids, grandkids, even some great-grandkids. </p>
<p>I haven’t been to the weddings of any young people lately.</p>
<p>I have never been invited to a destination wedding and for that I am glad - I think it’s an inconsiderate thing, to expect people to take their vacation time and money and spend it in Aruba or Costa Rica or wherever the young people “desire.” They can go there for their honeymoon, but please don’t dragoon the guests into it. I think it’s one thing to travel to the bride’s hometown, or perhaps to the city where bride and groom now live which may not be either of their hometowns - but don’t drag me to your idea of a fun resort. I’ll plan my own vacations. It’s just something that rubs me the wrong way as being self-centered on the part of the bride / groom. Marry somewhere convenient, or your home towns, and then go do your destination honeymoon by yourselves.</p>
<p>I don’t know what I’ll do or what my kids may want. I have told my kids how happy H and I were when we got married. All we wanted to do is get married and didn’t worry much how we got there. I would have eloped except I knew I’d disappoint my parents. I’ve always thought the marriage was more important than one day. If it’s the right person, it won’t matter. And that’s the point I stress to my kids. (My parents are 65 years anniversary+)
It was a great time! We were married in the backyard early morning at parents house(not a big yard but very pretty). I let my mom do whatever she wanted (I was out of town), relatives fixed the food, dad made a playlist (unknown as playlist at that time) of his favorite wedding songs. They had fun doing it and it was a present to us.
The guest list was small (50-60)–my parents and in-laws invited their close friends and I and H added ours. One friend played guitar and sang and another took the photos (helps to have great photographer friends–that was his present to us)
My dad bought enough champagne to keep everyone very happy!
The wedding was early morning and my mom eventually shooed H&I out to start our honey moom but everyone else stayed until early evening–best celebration ever!</p>
<p>Pizzagirl: Actually, according to a few people I know, the reason some choose destinations like that is to invite people that they know won’t likely be able/willing to attend. That way it’s a way of saying “We’re friends, but maybe not incredibly close friends – I don’t want to be rude by not inviting you and making you feel excluded.” Only the closest friends would be willing to attend while everyone else would just decline and “not feel excluded.”</p>
<p>I agree that sort of logic has its problems, but I’ve only learned recently that quite a few people do this. One of my friends (well, my friend’s relative) is having her wedding in Hawaii fully knowing that most of the people she invited aren’t going to be able to come. She just doesn’t want to invite only a couple people and look rude for not inviting everyone else. I think it’s more of a passive-aggressive type of thing.</p>
<p>Yeah, PG, you’re exactly the kind of guest the destination wedding couples want to stay home, lol. I have no problem with it; I assume that if I’m close enough with a couple who goes to Aruba and they want me there, I’m there, if not, I wish them well. It’s a modern wedding strategy and one I wouldn’t do myself but have seen many young people use and many second weddings/older B&Gs use, and it doesn’t bother me much.</p>
It adds another element to the mix … to me if we receive an invitation to a wedding it also raises the topic of if a gift should be given … so inviting lots of people to a destination wedding assuming lots of people will not attend can give the impression of ■■■■■■■■ for gifts.</p>
<p>Well, we did a destination wedding with just H and DS (yes the cart came before the horse), then threw a party when we returned. It was more like a backyard barbecue. When we then went back to my hometown, my parents threw a potluck for us. Now the trade off was fewer big wedding presents, but it made up for the hassle of planning a big reception.</p>
<p>I was surprised to learn this, but I think the folks here are right. The D of a friend of mine had a destination wedding. He was thrilled…he said at the destination, he had to pay for a reception for 80. Here in town, he may have had to pay for as many as 400. (Note: they only invited 80-something, not 400-something, so they weren’t ■■■■■■■■ for gifts.)</p>
<p>We don’t really have relatives in town, so we travel for every family wedding anyway. I used to be ticked at the idea of destination weddings like Pizzagirl, but now I think that if I want to go I’ll go and if I don’t, I won’t.</p>
<p>On another topic, is the receiving line a thing of the past? I can’t think of a wedding I’ve attended in the last few years that had one…thank goodness.</p>
<p>I agree with 3togo. It’s also inconsiderate given different people’s financial backgrounds. I got married in my hometown but had relatives from other parts of the country attending. If it’s within the US, they can choose to get there cheaply or expensively (car, train, airplane; stay with relatives, inexpensive hotel, fancy hotel, whatever fits their budget and desires). If you’re making it at the Ritz in Aruba, then you’re basically saying unless you have a Ritz-in-Aruba-budget-kind-of-person, don’t bother. I think that’s incredibly rude, to presuppose how other people should spend their money, or to presuppose that you’re so important that you should hijack people’s vacation time like that.</p>
<p>I don’t get the “modern wedding strategy” to have destination weddings and hope people don’t show up…why not elope (with elected friends) and announce it later? Is it just a bid for presents?</p>
<p>A lot of destination weddings are basically elopements-- with just close family invited. That’s okay with me, too. </p>
<p>I like receiving lines-- it’s the only time some people get to have a word with the bride and groom. I haven’t been to a wedding lately so I don’t know if it’s considered outre now or not. I remember at mine, someone said, “I love your dress!” and without really thinking (obviously!!) I said, “You do? Thanks! It’s new!” Ha.</p>
<p>None of my nieces or nephews are married, although our oldest has a sig other and even youngest who is still in college seems to have a serious BF.
However some of my friends who I’ve met after they were married have had babies! this year. :D</p>
<p>d#1 & her BF live about 200miles from us & 2,500 miles from his parents, I imagine if/when they get married it will be on this coast- as that might be the only way to get them to visit the northwest, although D & BF do go visit his parents every year.</p>
<p>I can’t imagine inviting people you really didn’t want to come, why not just have the size wedding you can afford?</p>
<p>One of Ds friends had a wedding in the US, that D attended as well as some of the grooms family - & they had another wedding in India where the grooms family was from & where she had done her doctoral research.
We have been invited to receptions ( of his cousins) without going to the wedding. Actually, my sister had the same thing. She was married in a religious ceremony that only members in good standing were allowed to attend. She didn’t have another ceremony, just a luncheon reception during which she wore her wedding dress ( so those of us who weren’t members of the church & those who weren’t in “good standing” could see it.)</p>
<p>gouf78: "Not really…if the destination is right the vacation factor comes in. " – Yes, this is true, but I think for many, finances and timing play a significant role, and of course those things are usually factored into the planning. Not everyone is able/willing to devote vacation time/hundreds of dollars (if not more) to a wedding trip on someone else’s terms.</p>
<p>The general idea is you get to have a wedding at a beautiful destination that is more intimate in scope, and it may ultimately “cost less” because instead of paying by-head for a huge crowd at a local wedding, you’d only be paying for the few that are going. Lastly, it deters “pity invites” and appeases those who would never let you hear the end of it if they weren’t invited. Not saying I agree with this – it’s just the justification behind the strategy.</p>
<p>My god, it’s like being waitlisted!! Or maybe gapped on your FA. :D</p>
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<p>I’ve only been to a few rehearsal dinners in the last 10 or 15 years, all for my nieces. In each case, the rehearsal dinner included not only the wedding party, but all close family on both sides and all out-of-town guests. A couple of them were held at restaurants, and paid for/hosted by the groom’s parents. One was held by the bride’s parents at their home, since the groom’s divorced parents were from abroad. I’m not sure of the exact numbers, but I would guess that there were around 75-100 people at the restaurant ones, at least 50 at the in-home one.</p>
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<p>In the first 5 years or so after I graduated from college, I went to several weddings where no +1 was invited. Inevitably, more of the bride’s friends than the groom’s attended, and most of us were single. There were virtually no single men to dance with, and weddings usually feature dancing. In days of yore, I gather that it was considered polite for gentlemen to dance with all of the ladies at their table and some beyond, but I can assure you that that rarely happens, and never at the weddings I went to. (As a side note, when I went to weddings with my H, including those when he was my BF, I always put a word in his ear that he should ask our single friends to dance!) Not only was there no one to dance with, but the married or “taken” men typically didn’t even TALK to the single women at their table. I remember being seated next to a guy who spent the whole time helping his wife take care of their baby. I don’t think he even said hello to me. It was nice for his wife that he was so into caring for their child, but for me, a party, it was rather a bust. ( I was a bridesmaid at that one.)</p>
<p>Something that I feel strongly negative about is the practice of having a “head table” where the wedding party is seated without their significant others. It is very unpleasant for the SOs to be left to their own devices at random tables with people they don’t know, especially given the abysmal social skills exhibited by most people these days.</p>
<p>If you want to have a vacation - have a vacation.
If you want to share your wedding day with your family and friends, have it where they don’t have to put themselves out to get to.</p>
<p>If you have relatives/friends who you don’t want at your wedding, but you are afraid they will be upset if they aren’t invited, are you sure you are mature enough to get married?
Being an adult means sometimes you have to deal with difficult people.</p>
<p>I agree with jaylynn on receiving lines. Our wedding dinner was buffet style so we used that line as a receiving line. The caterer put plate aside for DH and I and we greeted and visited with guests as they worked their way to the front.</p>