My wretched niece used the plus one issue as a way of showing who was really welcome and who wasn’t. Every adult without a spouse was invited with plus one except my family. My daughters didn’t care because they couldn’t be paid to attend, but my brother is in his 50s and is her godfather. It was a huge slap in his face.</p>
<p>My D1 talks about a destination wedding. Not engaged or ready, but with same guy for four years. What they talk about is having the ceremony at the Hershey Gardens and the reception at the Hotel Hershey. Since it would be a very, very small wedding and is driveable in one day for almost all the potential guests, I think it would be lovely. If she invited my brother and his beautiful daughter, it would actually half their travel time and make it easier to attend.</p>
<p>But who knows? Whatever this D does, I’m sure it will involve a garden or some other heavily-floral location!</p>
<p>H is a rabbi, and his biggest stand-downs with wedding planners (whom he generally admires for their organizational skills) is this: he encourages the couple to plan to DISAPPEAR from the entire reception for 18 minutes after they recess back down the aisle, and be alone together with a light snack, glass of wine, candlelight…in a private room, pre-set by the venue. It’s a unique moment where they can assimilate the promise just made, and go out again to greet their guests as a couple.</p>
<p>Many secular Jewish parents haven’t heard of this, but EVERY recent couple has welcomed it and put it into their plan. Often that’s what they mention in their thank-you note to H.</p>
<p>This echoes back centuries, and used to have another reason (consummate the marriage before the party! why wait?). Today, it’s more of a spiritual quiet time for the couple. Often the wedding party doesn’t even notice they’re missing…and then they’re back! Sometimes a guest does ask, and hear “Oh, they’re having a brief alone time, they’ll be back soon.” Oh, wow; that puts it all in perspective!</p>
<p>For those parents that still want the reception line, the parents conduct it but without the b&g. Later on, often during dessert, the b&g circulate from table to table, to greet each guest individually. </p>
<p>On “+1” I find this an extremely rude request if you’re just dating. Our S and DIL had to disappoint many friends, and only allowed for those living together or engaged. We all had a cap on numbers (each set of parents and b&g), so every friend’s +1 meant fewer family. The couple had plenty of friends there, and those friends just had to suck-it-up not to invite a +1, who is often just a manufactured date. Sometimes I think the friends may think it’s just a party paid for by couples’ parents, with dj or band and fine food. But it’s not; it’s a wedding. I feel that NOBODY belongs there who doesn’t even know the b&g. So I’m death on +1’s.</p>
In my brother’s case, he is an older man involved with a woman of similar age who is divorced. Since he has the bride’s grandmother living in his house to care for her, the couple doesn’t live together. The bride doesn’t really know the lady friend, but I think she was wrong not to include a companion for her godfather when her friends’ latest hook-ups were humping on the dance floor. But that’s just me. And my pig of a niece.</p>
<p>I’m afraid I had very bad manners at my reception.:o
I was 16 weeks pregnant and had been having intermittent cramping for a month or so before the wedding. ( i had been to the OB, he didnt have any suggestions) The morning of the wedding I actually felt pretty ill and didn’t want to go through with it. I made it through the ceremony, but by the reception the cramps were getting stronger so I put my feet up and had a couple glasses of champagne while I talked to my friends. My mother thought I should be speaking to my mil & her sisters, so she dragged me over. However they were full of comments about how being pregnant didn’t hurt and how I was being a wuss.
:rolleyes:
I ended up miscarrying three days after the wedding. With my next pregnancy, I changed OBs and he gave me weekly progesterone shots starting at 16 wks when I began having problems. That was with my oldest :)</p>
<p>I certainly cannot imagine REQUESTING to have a +1. That would indeed be rude, unless perhaps you could not attend without someone’s help. On the other hand, it is thoughtful of the B&G to offer so that their friends can have a good time, assuming that the numbers can be accommodated. It really depends on what kind of wedding you want to have.</p>
<p>My cousin got married on a cruise ship with only her parents and brother attending (her H is from another country and his parents did not attend).</p>
<p>She had a party months later at the VFW in her parents hometown. The night before her parents had a joint 50th birthday party at a Mexican restaurant. Everyone was very hungover at the “reception” so it kept the bar bill down lol! We did not attend the birthday party the night before as we are not big drinkers and I think we had teenagers who had plans. Can’t remember exactly, we are not big on the family party/drinking thing. I’m sure the next day there was a mass in the couple’s honor lol!</p>
<p>Another friend had a wedding for immediate family/wedding party on top of a mountain in a resort area. They had a very lovely party for the couple with appetizers and drinks. Everyone including the bride and groom wore summer dresses/shorts. </p>
<p>A friend of my IL’s had their S’s wedding in a resort area. They rented out a couple of cottages (big 5-6 bedroom cottages next door to each other) off season, got married in a small chapel and spent a weekend relaxing at the cottages.</p>
<p>zoosermom - I remember the thread about your niece’s wedding. I am sorry that the actions of your niece (and sister if I recall?) were so hurtful. I think a +1 for engage, live-in, or long-term is appropriate, but not for casual dates.
My cousin met the man of her dreams when she was 40. After dating and deciding they should marry (both for the first time), they opted for a very small church ceremony with a reception in the private room of a restaurant. She wore a beautiful evening dress and he wore a suit. Only parents, siblings, and siblings’ spouses were included. Her biological clock was ticking, so they wanted to get married and start trying for kids. The entire extended family supported their wedding choice. The pictures are beautiful and, more importantly, the couple is happy. There was no wedding drama or worry about cost (her two sibilngs had married in large, fancy weddings/receptions and there was much drama/worry). As much as I would have liked to have been at a wedding/reception to celebrate with them in person, I think it was a brilliant decision. The plan was to have a “party/reception” in her hometown about 2000 miles away the following summer for the larger group of relatives and friends. That party was delayed due to chemo for my Aunt (in remission!) and now…a pregnancy (hooray)!</p>
Thank goodness this is anonymous over the internet. If it didn’t bother the niece or your sister (as they could sleep at night), why should it matter to others.</p>
<p>It mattered to me, my mother, my brother, the ladyfriend and our other brother who was too ill to attend that the bride broke her godfather’s heart. After the fact, it bothered my sister a lot and she was the one to apologize to my brother.</p>
<p>milkandsugar: costumes are thoroughly encouraged at S1 and fiancee’s wedding. He told me the other night they want everyone to “dress dapper.” Guess this means I can refuse to wear beige and argue that it’s not dapper enough. :)</p>
<p>I do think calling a niece a “pig” though because she didn’t invite a companion for your brother is a bit much.
My son was in the wedding party of a friend recently but a +1 was not included. He is dating but not engaged. Thought that was fine. The wedding was big enough (and I’m sure expensive enough) as it was.</p>
<p>zoosermom, kinda late after the fact but I guess the spirit was there. I think Hersey Gardens sounds lovely. My kind of wedding.</p>
<p>I forgot about another wedding we went to recently. A family friend who we thought would never get married and who had serious substance abuse problems found the woman of his dreams in his 40’s. A lovely girl who is so nice to his disabled mother. They had the wedding in his mother’s backyard and the reception at the township hall. The average age of the guests were in their 70’s and I don’t think you would find a happier bride/groom or any of the people who attended. The groom has been sober for 10 years and both he and his bride said they found their soulmates.</p>
<p>lots of foreign born go to their native country and get married. If they feel obligated to invite friends in this country, is that considered a destination wedding? The customs in their country may compel them to invite everyone even when they are sure the invitee wont make it.</p>
<p>Cost of weddings</p>
<p>It always comes down to what one can afford and what their priorities are in spending their budget. Lakshmi Mittal the steel magnate from UK spent $47 million for his daughter’s wedding lasting 3 days and held it in a French Palace.</p>
<p>RE: who to send invitations to – in my family, there will be a number of folks (grandparents, my sibs, S1’s first cousins) who will not be able to attend. They don’t have the kinds of jobs that pay enough or have flexibility to take off work, or have severe medical issues, or don’t have cars that can reliably get here. </p>
<p>It would be a far greater faux pas IMHO to exclude them from invites than to send one. DH and I had to take the same strategy when we were married. There were people we cared about and who we wanted to know we were thinking of them, but who we knew would not be able to travel. I didn’t care one whit about a gift.</p>
<p>p3t, I think the 18 minutes is also a wonderful idea (and have been to a couple weddings where the B&G did just that).</p>
If it didn’t bother the niece or your sister (as they could sleep at night), why should it matter to others.</p>
I think Hersey Gardens sounds lovely. My kind of wedding.</p>