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<p>Lavish weddings, lavish vacations…people can spend their money any way they want, but I always hate to think that some go into debt for either.</p>
<p>Our engagement was 2 1/2 months long…we had a long distance romance and just wanted to be in the same city as soon as possible. It didn’t occur to me until quite a few years later that some people were probably waiting for the birth announcement to arrive 6 or 7 months later.</p>
<p>I am the Wicked Witch of the East because I won’t be paying for or financially contributing to any of my kids’ weddings. We promised them the best education they could earn and that we could afford, but beyond that our money is ours. My husband and I will definitely give a generous cash gift, but it won’t be along the lines of five figures, and I don’t intend to have much input into the weddings. I hope to enjoy the beautiful, meaningful weddings that my children and their spouses can afford, whatever they might turn out to be.</p>
<p>Actually to whoever said there were diamonds not blood diamonds D studied human rights at Columbia and insists that they’re all blood diamonds, however they are advertised and packaged. Don’t shoot me. I am only the messenger.</p>
<p>Some of the photography time pressure at the reception comes from the preference of many couples that the groom not see the bride in full regalia until she’s walking down the aisle. I certainly understand why that’s a beautiful memory that some couples would not trade away.</p>
<p>But if the couple is willing to forego that tradition/superstition and the bride will let her groom see her before the ceremony, they can take plenty of posed family photos before the ceremony. Taking those necessary photos beforehand, the couple and parents have more time to enjoy the reception.</p>
<p>I remember one time reading that there was a inverse relationship in the cost of the wedding to the length of the marriage (in other words, the more the wedding costs, the shorter the marriage). I suppose that gets skewed by celebrity weddings, but I would guess that it is also effected by those people who focus everything on the wedding and not on the marriage.</p>
<p>Wow – my kids are still young, but I think what I’ve learned from CC might apply to both college and weddings – tell them how much we can contribute, then step back, and hope that all relationships remain good when the process is over.</p>
<p>Ha ha Missy-my brother planned his wedding in a week! He had been engaged to my SIL for some time and she would never commit to a wedding date. So he told her that if they didn’t get married by the end of the week, the wedding was off. So they called her old pastor and set up a day and time, called all the relatives and friends, SIL took her best friend and maid of honor to the mall (it was prom season) to buy dresses. SIL’s dad was friends with a restaurant guy and booked a reception buffet and they asked me to make a cake (I do cakes as a hobby). </p>
<p>It was a very nice, heartfelt wedding and everyone had a great time. They celebrate 29 years married this winter. When I hear about people planning weddings for 2 years down the road because they need that much time (I work at a church so I get these calls often), I think, “Oh, but you DON’T”.</p>
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We messed those statistics up then. As cheap as my parents were with us (no cars, clothes, or spending money after we were 15) they paid for our college tuition and a lavish wedding. I’ve been married 35 years so far and don’t see it ending any time soon.</p>
<p>We just contributed to our second son’s wedding: $15,000 and that was the groom’s portion. I can’t think of anything I would rather have spent that on. We will have memories of that day forever and still have money left over to spend on the grandkids.</p>
<p>I think weddings are a lot like colleges: there’s a lot of different options to choose from. You need to decide how much you want to spend and set your kid’s expectations accordingly. WAY IN ADVANCE!</p>
<p>^^^That is one lesson I learned from the college experience. I already told my daughter I have no problem buying her a fabulous wedding dress and told her how much I would spend. I also told her I don’t think alcohol is necessary at a wedding, but I know it is important to her, so she will need to pay for it.</p>
<p>My kids are at a stage where there weddings are around the corner. Funny thing: They all want small, elegant weddings. We have a small family so our side will be small. Not so funny: son’s girlfriend’s family funded her brother’s wedding. They, I have been told, won’t contribute a dime BUT want their entire family invited. </p>
<p>I learned a valuable lesson from cancer: Say, not unkindly, what needs to be said. “This is what we will do…and if your parents want more they can pay for it.” (When her parents came over the first time I heard them taking inventory of the things in our house and our home.) </p>
<p>On a different note: We have friends who are children of survivors. When it came time for the Bat/Bar Mitzvah circuit they had HUGE parties. My friend explained it to me: Survivors and their family want to celebrate that they are still here and the Nazis didn’t wipe us out. At her daughter’s Bat Mitzvah there were 9 tables of survivors. And for them that was a triumph.</p>
<p>So, to each their own…I just want my kids happy.</p>
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<p>Some couples have long engagements not because they need the time to put a wedding together, but they need that much time to SAVE the money to have their dream wedding. One cousin’s dream was to have her wedding at a particular venue which was so popular it had a 2 year wait list. So they waited.</p>
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<p>Well, in some areas, you do! Many venues that accomodate weddings where we are, are often booked up two years in advance.</p>
<p>There have been several of these wedding discussions on CC in the many years I’ve been a member, and they inevitably contain the same judgmental opinions about how much people choose to spend on a child’s wedding, how large the guestlist or how elegant the wedding is. There is nothing inherently good or bad about having a small vs. a large wedding, or vice versa, and there certainly is no guarantee of a long marriage dependent on the type of wedding you have.</p>
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Interesting … I buy there might be some relationship there. In my experience, in general, is that inexpensive weddings tend to be older couples … who probably have better odds of lasting long term.</p>
<p>If you have the money and want to throw a big celebration, cool. The last wedding I went to was undoubtedly very expensive and it was fun, and elegant, and reflective of the couple.
I just take think it’s unwise to go into debt for it, or to expect ones guests to cover their plate and be resentful if they don’t. Guests should give what they feel comfortable giving. The bride of the next wedding I am going to has told me she expects at least $150/head back in cash so it will be close to breaking even. I don’t care for that point of view. She might as well just sell tickets.</p>
<p>I had never heard about covering the plates until I read about it on CC. It really does sound like selling tickets.</p>
<p>I don’t disagree with you about the debt, electronblue, but, honestly, I don’t know anyone who has done that. And we go to probably three or four weddings a year. As to your story about the next wedding you’re attending, that bride is obnoxious, and would likely be so regardless of what she’s spending on a wedding!</p>
<p>Everyone should have the wedding they want and can afford. I don’t think debt is a great idea, though.</p>
<p>I’ve been to lavish weddings that were the embodiment of joy. My oldest niece got married ten years ago. Small wedding in her parents’ great room (not as posh as it sounds, just a large room with a fireplace) and had a lovely barbeque in their rural backyard. It was as much fun as any wedding I’ve ever been to. Her brother got married the next year to a wealthy young woman and they had a truly posh wedding. Cost a bundle, but was equally fun and joyous, although different.</p>
<p>As those of you have seen in my thread last year, my other niece got married last year in a six figure extravaganza of hurt feelings and discomfort. </p>
<p>As long as the couple is right together, who cares what they have?</p>
<p>I think the important thing is that couples/families do what is right for THEM. My husband, daughter, and I have always looked forward to the day that she will get married and want to have a big celebration. I don’t want to go into debt for it, but want to do things a certain way, which is why I am trying to plan ahead. :)</p>
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The great thing is that you’re all on the same page. Such a good way to avoid hard feelings.</p>