<p>The quality of candids, especially with disposable cameras can vary GREATLY. Unbelievable that your sis had a photographer keep his lens cap ON while shooting her wedding! </p>
<p>Good luck to all planning weddings. It is indeed an opportunity for much negotiation & growth. So many variables in play.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>If my parents had that attitude, I don’t think I’d want to accept the wedding money, to be honest. I’d want the wedding to be planned by myself and my fiancee – and I don’t think he’d be saying how things should be run, but I would certainly think that his input would be as important as mine and our input would take priority over other people’s, as it would be our wedding. It would be lovely if both sets of parents had advice and wisdom to offer us, but this level of control seems odd.</p>
<p>^^ But the poster did say -
</p>
<p>Not accepting the money or any conditions is perfectly acceptable. A lot of people (including me) get married without the parents of either the bride or the groom paying a dime. It’s fine. You have to scale to the level of affordability regardless. They can be done for anything from < $100 to > several hundred K $$$. They’re all just as married regardless.</p>
<p>I think those two statements kind of contradict each other actually. If the bride’s family is hosting, the implication through much of those posts is that the fiancee doesn’t get an equal say such as:
</p>
<p>I don’t understand why the bride’s family would be telling the son how things should be run. In my mind, the couple should be co-hosts. It is theoretically their day, isn’t it? What if the groom has a significantly larger family – he can’t invite them because of his future mother in law’s “generous” gift? I think a generous wedding gift would have no strings attached. It’s the bride and groom’s special day and if something is important to either of them, they should actually speak up about it. Hopefully neither of them is ordering anyone else in the family around – doesn’t seem like that would be a good beginning to a marriage.</p>
<p>I also believe in simpler weddings and don’t understand any logic at all in having the bride’s family pay because of tradition. Doesn’t that tradition stem from dowries, which was essentially paying somebody because you were so grateful that he’d marry your daughter? So, different perspective here.</p>
<p>^^ I agree with you eirann and stated the same in one of my posts that it’s the bride/groom who should be making the decisions and it s/b equal and an inexpensive simple wedding is just as good as a big blowout although either is fine depending on what people want to do - it’s not a one size fits all. I don’t like the strange traditional aspects of all this. </p>
<p>OTOH, imagine if the bride’s family is spending $25K but the groom’s family is spending $0 (or $1000 or whatever) yet the groom’s mother starts trying to make a lot of the decisions or apply heavy influence at the financial expense of the bride’s parents. In this scenario I think that poster’s point makes some sense and she did temper it with the statement about the inclusion of the bride/groom.</p>
<p>This kind of stuff is what can sometimes cause stress and bad feelings during a time when it shouldn’t be stressful and should be all about good feelings.</p>
<p>Whenever the subject of weddings has come up my daughter has made it clear that she would want her closest cousins to attend but not cousins with whom she has had little to no interaction with over the years. If a wedding came to pass, though I understand her point about only having people that she feels strongly about share the day, I would feel very uncomfortable inviting some cousins and not others. Am I off base about this?</p>
<p>DH is anti-wedding industry in a big way. I can’t say that I blame him. Hosting a nice dinner would be lovely but he has no interest in spending money on all the other aspects of a modern wedding. When the time comes we will probably tell our D that we will give her a certain amount of money to be used as she sees fit…for a wedding or a down payment. She will have to make that dollar amount work if she decides to use it for a wedding.</p>
<p>DD also likes the bookstore in Manhattan (mentioned in an earlier post) as a possible location for a wedding. I have been there a couple of times. It would be fun and a little alternative.</p>
<p>It is awkward (though it does happen) that some cousins are invited to weddings & not others. Has happened to our extended families & comments were made by those invited & those not invited, but since it’s up to the couple & families involved things happen as they do.</p>
<p>I have 2 girls. They have already decided that we(D and I) would plan the wedding and we (H&I) would pay for the wedding and the dress. We would come up with reasonable number of guests to be invited. We have a small number of family and friends, I would set them aside, and rest could be divided up between their friends and groom’s family and friends. I would prefer not to have groom’s side intervene with the wedding itself. If they want to host a brunch or rehersal dinner then they would be more than welcome to do that, and we would show up as guests.</p>
<p>If D wants to plan a wedding with her fiancee (50-50), we would give her a set amount of money and they could be the hosts and do what they want. If we (H & I) are hosting the party (wedding) for our D, then it would be exactly the way we (D, H & I) want it, no input from the groom’s side.</p>
<p>
As I mentioned earlier, my d and her fiance decided to spend a generous gift from his mom on an excellent photographer, and we’re so glad they did. Not only are the photos wonderful, but she was very professional and speedy in obtaining the standard wedding party/family shots. No one missed much of the reception, nor were guests kept waiting for dinner. She and her assistant were unobtrusive and respectful throughout the ceremony and reception, yet somehow got every shot we’d have wanted and more. Well worth the expense. My d and SIL saved money by not having a videographer. She did have a cousin film the processional and ceremony with a hand-held recorder from a front row seat. The result was really nice - we enjoy watching it once in a great while, but are glad we didn’t spring for Hollywood-level production values.
So true, CountingDown. I’ve been to some wedding breakfast receptions that were simple and elegant, and I imagine more reasonable than a sit-down dinner. Couples could choose a hearty appetizer buffet or perhaps an elegant dessert bar instead of a full meal for a mid-afternoon reception. The easiest way to save is to limit the number of guests; but after that, being open to serving a less-traditional meal is a good way to go.</p>
<p>On the dress - Filene’s Basement doesn’t do the Running of the Brides anymore, which is too bad. My d wound up with a $3000 dress for less than $500, as well as a lot of fun memories, when she and her bridesmaids did this in 2010. My SIL borrowed her dress 25 years ago and was so beautiful in it. Three sons, no daughters, so she doesn’t wish she’d bought one herself. And there’s always this route: <a href=“http://www.nytimes.com/2010/07/04/fashion/weddings/04FIELD.html[/url]”>http://www.nytimes.com/2010/07/04/fashion/weddings/04FIELD.html</a></p>
<p>
</p>
<p>If this is what you envision, you’ll need to handpick grooms for your Ds</p>
<p>A friend once told me “I wouldn’t have chosen the spouses that my kids have, but it works for them.”</p>
<p>As much as we would like them to be, our kids are not exactly our clones and sometimes we are aghast that they would back their significant others vs. their parents.</p>
<p>^^^I have no intention of picking grooms for my kids, but I have every intention of giving them a wedding they want (girls have diffrent vision of what they want). I don’t know how you could jump to that conclusion based on what I wrote.</p>
<p>I have also heard true stories that engagements had been broken because of family’s disagreements over wedding planning.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Do you now see why I responded to this question as I did? :)</p>
<p>Agree, I don’t like anything too heavy handed. It could backfire.</p>
<p>In our case, there wouldn’t be any disagreement.</p>
<p>How does the photographer take the wedding pictures without opening the cap? How does he see through the lens? Inquiring mind wants to know. :D</p>
<p>HIMom, not all the candids from the disposable cameras were professional quality, but at least we had pics of friends who attended. S is looking into setting up a “booth” for candids that runs off his laptop. He also has some work colleagues who will help them livestream the ceremony next summer so the UK relatives who can’t travel can see it. He and fiancee have decided they do not want a videographer.</p>
<p>My sister was darned glad I had my camera (I wanted good shots of her in the wedding gown I had designed and made for her – and had finished an hour before the ceremony!).</p>
<p>
Seems to me that would be terribly dismissive of the son your D is marrying and of his family, and not conducive to cordial relationships in the future.</p>
<p>The flip side is if my D is fine with her finance’s mother planning the wedding and paying for it, then I would go along with it. I would then throw her a smaller party later, or pay for other events, but I wouldn’t co-host (plan) a party because my life is too short to try to work with someone else. It is a one day event, it really doesn’t matter who is doing it, but it is unreasonable to expect a group of adults who never knew each before to agree on how to plan a party.</p>
<p>No real advice but have been to a number of weddings of late. Some really over the top but some had really cute and appropriate name cards/favors. Usually not a huge fan of favors. My own children will probably opt for something on the simple side but dancing is VERY important to them. Love the idea of a simple but elegant ceremony/venue but how to tie that in to the dancing aspect? Can’t see dancing so much after a mid-day brunch. I have found that the food was pretty equal whether it was a sit down or buffet. My guess the price difference was significant. Sounds classy to host a sit down but probably not worth it. Definitely agree that table decorations can be very tasteful without a huge price tag. Isn’t there some protocol for the wording on the invitation indicating who is paying?</p>
<p>
You aren’t off base, but please ask your daughter if at all possible not to include some adult siblings and exclude others in the same household. That’s not nice.</p>
<p>I plan to stay out of the planning unless specifically asked, but I am going to request a couple of things. One is that there be something vegetarian at the reception, two that if my mother is living they consider her physical difficulties, and three that if it’s a formal wedding I would like my son to escort me to my seat. Otherwise I’ll smile and nod.</p>