My son is getting married and I just received a shower invitation. My family is far and wide so this is the only shower and it’s being held in the brides hometown. It doesn’t matter but I had no idea about the shower until I received the invitation. It’s being held at the end of August.
My question is whether or not it would be a faux pas for my D not to attend the shower. She lives 10 hours from the location of the shower, although she live a couple of hours from her brother. I live 4 hours farther from D than the shower. My sister is pressuring D to attend, it would involve D driving 7 hours to sisters and then driving with sister another 3 to where the shower is being held. My sister said I would be upset if D doesn’t go. I don’t care one bit.
Plane tickets are $400, I can not afford to buy her ticket. I’m already paying for many of D’s expenses for this wedding and my H will not allow any more. D does very well and supports herself but has overextended herself with a more expensive than she can really afford apartment. She is trying to find a cheaper apartment but is really looking for a job so was staying put for the time being.
D is a bridesmaid but was not informed about the shower before we got the invitations. (Trying to put as much information out there as I can).
Would it be awful for D not to attend shower. Sister does not seem to understand our financial picture.
Nope. Not awful to attend a shower that’s 10 hours away…it’s silly to attend. I would label this as a “courtesy” invitation. “Appreciate the invite, sorry, unable to attend. Look forward to seeing everyone at the wedding.”
I can’t believe that somehow they didn’t clue you in to the shower before you received an invite!
I’m sure you’d love your D to go, but at the risk of being financially unstable and exhausted from the long journey for a couple hours of a shower of opening gifts and eating cake? No. Take lots of pictures and plan a long phone call with your D after the shower to fill her in like she was there. You’ll both be satisfied. Maybe D could send a nice heartfelt note to her brother and future SIL beforehand or with a small gift.
Nope. My D just missed her future SIL’s shower on Monday evening. In our case, we all live in the same city, but my D had to work late and it wasn’t negotiable. FDIL understood completely (as I’m sure your FDIL will, as well) and it was really a non-issue. Your sister should not be pressuring you or your D…your D should contact her FSIL directly to explain the logistical and financial difficulties involved in attending and I can’t believe she won’t understand. \
No it would not be awful. What I would suggest is for D to find a way to send something that makes her a part of the festivities. Put a lot of thought into a gift and make it personalized. It doesn’t have to be something costly but if it is something that shows she took the time to do, it would show she is there in spirit. You can even help her since you are going.
I’m sure there are many great ideas you can find on line but something I saw that was nice was a basket of wine for all the firsts in a marriage: First Valentines Day, First Christmas, First New Year, First Argument, First Kid, etc. If D was to hand write the tags I think something like that would show that she really wishes to participate but logistically being there was not possible. She could send the tags to you and you could put it together and bring there for her.
it’s difficult but a 10 hour trip for a shower is a lot to ask and people will understand that.
No. In this day and age, it’s just not realistic to expect young people who are just establishing themselves professionally and financially to make those kinds of sacrifices. D did not attend her SIL’s bachelorette party, even though she was a bridesmaid. She had a bottle of champagne sent to their table at dinner one of the nights to signify her good wishes.
Agree with others. Something about weddings can make family feel they need to forget other variables and do what they would not do otherwise. Agree this was a “courtesy” invite; otherwise you and DD would have been consulted about scheduling.
If the MOG lives 14 hours away, I cannot imagine anyone expecting her to attend a shower. If she could, woo hoo, but I believe all would understand if she doesn’t.
I agree with @gosmom and whomever said above that if it was expected she’d attend, she would have been consulted re: date, etc. @deb922, if you can go and want to go I’m sure everyone would love to see you, but if it’s not practical, I’m also sure everyone would understand. I attended the shower for my FDIL on Monday evening. It was about 24 hours after I hosted an engagement party for my S and FDIL and, to be honest, it was the last thing I wanted to do. I did drive into the city, and enjoyed meeting some of the friends of the B and MOB, but we’re talking a 30 minute drive, not 14 hours. Had I not been there, no one would have noticed.
D1’s FMIL is going to throw her a shower for their side of family. D2 and I are invited as a courtesy, but not required. Likewise, we will have a shower for D1 for our side of family and her friends. If FMIL and the daughter want to come, great, but not required or expected.
Agree with others–I don’t think your daughter nor you would be expected to attend. Sure they’d love to see you but it is too long a distance to expect your presence.
I’m certainly not one who’s up on wedding etiquette, but my understanding was that “showers” are basically informal local affairs. More “let’s get together for an afternoon for a little fun if you’re free”, definitely not “please spend hundreds of dollars flying in for this really meaningful special event that’s worth days of your time.”
The wedding rehearsal dinner (kinda sorta) and the wedding itself (definitely) falls into that 2nd category. Everything else wedding-related falls into the 1st. Well, except maybe the bachelorette party for the bridesmaids depending on how 'zilla the bride is.
It’s an invitation, not an obligation. Weddings are expensive enough for the bridesmaids, and considering how far away your D lives it would be ridiculous to expect her to attend.
This is for your son’s wedding? If I were you, I’d be on the phone with my sister and tell her I’d appreciate it of she didn’t involve herself in my children’s business. Weddings can be highly charged events. You don’t need people causing a rift between your children.
Ditto. It’s an unreasonable expectation for the D to attend the shower - or any other events held in an area that is 10 hours from where she lives. Your sister needs to find something else to spend her time/energy on than on what your daughter is/isn’t doing.
It’s been quite a day with another matter I was dealing with so I’m popping on here for a minute.
Thanks so much! I’m so relieved!
And yea, my sister is another story. She needs to stop with giving my kid this unwanted advice. This isn’t the only thing she lends her controlling opinions to lol!
Also I was so surprised to know nothing about this shower before the invite came in the mail.
Hang in there, Deb. Probably was intended to spare you feeling obligated to attend something so far away, yet give you a chance to participate from afar. This wedding stuff can take it out of you…
@deb922 , sounds like you’ve gotten the feedback you need, but I’ll chime in to say that this was clearly a courtesy invitation. No one would expect either you or your D to travel that distance for a shower. As others have said, it’s kind of a “wonderful if you can make it, but no one expects it.” I’ve received such invitations to showers for my then-future SIL and my niece, both either 2 days drive or a plane ride away in the midwest, and I live in Maine. In neither case did they expect me to show up. The fact that you weren’t consulted about the date is normal, IMHO, and only re-emphasizes the fact that they don’t expect you to make the trip.
I think you and your D should simply send a gift, possibly off the registry if there are modestly-priced items, and not worry about. I certainly don’t think that either of you needs to go to lengths to do anything special in some kind of recompense for not being able to attend.
Re your sister, sounds like what is really going on is that she would love to be able to drive the 3 hrs with your D, rather than going alone. Understandable, but guilt-tripping tactics are poor form.
Oh sorry to give the wrong impression. I’m only 4 hours away from the shower. I plan on going. It’s just that if my D came, she literally could only come to the shower and go back to my sisters. Because once you travel 10 hours to get to the shower, you can’t really then drive another 4 to your moms. And she doesn’t have anyone to stay with in the city of the shower.
