My DD’s venue costs $1000 & they supply tables, linens & dinnerware. She is required to use one of 3 approved caterers and will have to separately rent the chairs for the outdoor ceremony.The place looks very pretty in the photos and she did visit at about the time of year that her wedding will take place before reserving the spot. It is a city-owned park & historic building.
Wow… The prices are all over the place! Kiddo rented a gorgeous community center overlooking the Sound for less than $1500 (the center had A/V, tables, chairs, gorgeous outdoor patio for the ceremony with sunset views…) She had to wake up early exactly a year before her planned date to secure the place. 
My DD also put down a deposit roughly a year before the wedding date… so yes, if you want these good deals, bestt to start early!
But here’s another issue. My daughter’s wedding venue is a city-owned park, which accounts for the relatively low rental fee; but one issue is also that the capacity of the building is maximum 95 people – and that’s kind of crowding things. So probably best for a wedding of ~80 guests.
That’s fine, its pricey to feed 80 people, but by the time one has included all of the wedding party, parents & siblings & closest friends and all of their spouses & significant others… the guest list fills up pretty fast.
So what’s the problem? Well, we are getting aunts and uncles and cousins and 2nd cousins who have never so much as sent a birthday card to the prospective bride or groom now popping up and angling for an invite. Given the venue, it’s a “destination” wedding, but hardly a destination that anyone would covet: New Jersey in August? Really?
So what gives? As mother of the bride, I am sure it will be a lovely ceremony and I will probably shed some tears… but I can’t imagine it being the sort of thing that someone who probably wouldn’t recognize the bride if they passed her in the supermarket would want to fly across the country to see.
I thought the noises on my side of the family might just been a misunderstanding of a someone trying to be polite by expressing interest… but no, there actually is something of a lobby campaign going on. And the couple is getting the same thing from the groom’s side of the family. The groom’s parents both come from very large families, so the number of aunts and uncles and cousins on that side runs into the dozens. And of course if you make an “exception” for one it quickly snowballs, with all sorts of potential for hurt feelings years down the line.
Is this a common experience? We didn’t run into that problem with my son’s wedding (which took place in a venue that seated 12 people - but was planned on much shorter notice so probably sneaked under the radar.) I’m curious as to whether others have run into this problem, or whether there is something else going on in my daughter’s case (I have a pet theory… but I don’t know whether I am all wet on that).
Cal mom, I have no idea. My closest friends have said they wish I have a local party for my son, as they wont travel for a wedding.
Maybe your family wants a reunion, and it’s great to gather for something as special as a wedding.
Interesting,mother last 2 weddings son has attended have been Sunday AM
No, definitely not a desire for a reunion. We were all in our mutual hometown last spring for my father’s 90th birthday – daughter, fiance, son, grandson, etc. The particular relative who is gunning for the invite didn’t show; she’s’ a few years older than me, retired, lives in a different state, but a short hop away from the big family gathering last year. She’s never made any effort to look me up when visiting my city, etc. As I said, I’ve got my theory… but first I want to see if anyone else has a similar experience. Maybe I’m mistaken and there are some people who just assume that every wedding is a huge bash.
It’s all complicated by the fact that the relative on my side who is gunning for an invite hasn’t asked directly. Instead this is being communicated via a chain of relatives…
@Calmom–my D’s wedding was also at a public venue in NJ (Cape May Ferry Terminal), and capped at 100. Since both families are fairly local, setting limits was difficult. SIL’s father comes from a big family; D and SIL mom less so (SIL’s parents are estranged.) Kids decided to invite all first degree aunts, uncles, and cousins, which tilted list to SIL-dad side. SIL-mom was a little miffed, because her family is small, and she couldn’t invite her close friends. (D decided that there was no room for friends or colleagues of parents, which we were fine with.) D herself has a large circle of friends who were the next biggest invite group. Actual number attending was in the high 70s, which was actually great, because the room really wasn’t that big, and it left enough room for dancing, which was a top requirement.
Interested in what the NJ venue is, but understand if you’d rather not say.
Well, at least that’s Jersey Shore – my DD is getting married in Hamilton Township (near Trenton). There are NO relatives who live nearby – extended family is in Michigan, Texas, California, etc. One reason for the location choice was to get far enough away from Manhattan so that hotel rooms for all of the out of towners would be affordable. So ALL relatives who come will be traveling a considerable distance.
Calmom - don’t know, but really glad that we will never encounter this problem! We have a small family on both sides. If I add up everybody who would be invited to an event for our kids – there are 6 on my side and 8 on H’s. That includes all my kids’ aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins – done and done. There is no one else to come out of the woodwork, and for that I’m thankful!
^PG that was true for us as well–it was the groom’s side that got grumbly. But I let the kids work that one out.
It’s a mystery to me, @calmom. In what way could attending the wedding, or at least being invited, advantage her? Is there someone she needs an excuse to see?
I wouldn’t even try to second-guess their motives. I would just get the word out that the wedding will be fairly small and as much as she’d love to include the far-flung extended family, she’s not going to be able to do so.
The only time I ever experienced extended family members angling for invitations was many years ago, when my second-cousin married the son of a very, very famous celebrity. My second-cousin did end up inviting an insane number of extended family members (myself included) and it was fun to be there. Is there something like that going on?
Who???
Yep, that’s what I think it is. I just wanted feedback to get a sense of whether I was jumping to the wrong conclusion.
DD works in media in NYC, for a minor celebrity. Wannabe invitee from my side of the family is known to be a fan; I don’t know about the groom’s mishpocha. I’ve discussed the problem with my step-mom, who has agreed to casually mention in conversation with that relative’s parent that my daughter will not be inviting anyone from her work to her wedding. (It’ just not that type of work culture). Anyway… we’ll see whether that solves the problem.
I don’t know what people are thinking. The whole point of the wedding is that the bride & groom are supposed to be the center of attention… not their presumed guest list.
I don’t know if this is permitted… Someone asked about the table linens, runners, etc I purchased for DD’s wedding. I got them through linentablecloth.com. I got the cheapest budget tablecloth - huge size circular and rectangular, for something less that 7$ a tablecloth and the quality was great. Satin Runners were a couple of bucks, and the cheapest organza chair bows were 3$ for 10- so 30 cents a chair.
Tablecloths arrive in packages, so are not ironed. We ended up tossing several at a time in the dryer with a damp towel. They weren’t wrinkle free, but by the time you put the runners and the plates and all on the table, they were good enough for us. I bought good quality plastic plates and the high quality plastic cutlery that looks like it is metal, ordered custom coozies, served most drinks in bottles, had plastic wine cups…
When we were done, one of the attendees asked if she could take the tablecloths and wash and use them, and I said YES! (What would I do with 13 huge round table clothes and 9 big rectangular ones?.). It was half the price or less to buy them than to rent them. We had a lovely wedding, including dresses, rehearsal dinner and wedding for 120 people for $7000.
Table decorations; I bought large glass wide bowls, and put colored aquagems, little underwater lights, and 3 candles in them. That sat on top of the table runners. After the wedding, I donated the bowls to goodwill, and the aquagems are still in tubs in the garage- supposedly you bury them in the ground and they release water to water your plants…
Cakes from Whole foods, drinks from Costco. Our lovely outside wedding took place inside the garden center because there was a flash flood and deluge…but still, what a lovely wedding it was.
My cousin decided on a fancy but smaller wedding. Her big thing was no children invited and that caused issued on both sides (minor squabbles), more on his side as he had a boatload of brothers and sisters and therefore nieces and nephews and they were all close enough to want to go to the wedding (thus the no children rule - it would have been overrun with children). I did not go and was asked if it was because of the no children thing (I had 3 and 4 year olds then) and I honestly answered that no, I didn’t go because it cost too much (in Connecticut, in a small town, limited lodging, fly into NYC or some other airport, rent a car…) I think my father, one sister and one brother went. the rehearsal dinner was also limited to 30 people, and even that was a tight guest list since almost everyone at the whole wedding was from out of town. I like my cousin, wish I could have attended, but it was an expense I couldn’t handle at that time. Her sister had been married about 4 years earlier and I couldn’t go to that one either as my baby had only been out of the hospital for 2 or 3 weeks. Things happen. My cousin got what she wanted. Relatives did not get what they wanted. Bride, groom, parents stood firm on the no children rule and the rehearsal dinner limits.
I think, calmom, you just have to be firm and not invite those who are ‘outside the circle’. Now if you invite all cousins and not just this one, that’s not right, but if you invite only locals, or only siblings and no cousins, or only cousins and no children, you’re fine. If you were having a 500 person wedding and didn’t invite the cousin, I might think that is rather mean too, but you are limited to 80, which really means 40, which in terms of relatives of the bride might mean 15 if she wants to have friends to complete her guest list. Use your step-mother to spread the word that it is a small wedding with immediate family only.
I’m wondering when rehearsal dinners became so large. I got married in the early 1990’s and it was typical then for the rehearsal dinner to just be just the bridal party and their dates, and the parents. At least 1/3 of the guests at my wedding came from out of town but it wasn’t a convention at all to consider adding them to the rehearsal dinner.
I got married in 1986 and we had a large rehearsal dinner - all out of towners - and basically everyone on my side was an out of towner. It was absolutely the norm in our circles for a rehearsal dinner to be all out of towners - and had been the norm for years - so in my eyes this is not a new trend after all.
@greenwitch - Actually I was married in the 90’s too. We invited our out of town guests (but we didn’t have a lot of them). I think it’s optional based on your preferences and budget. For us, it made sense since there were very few and they were close relatives. If it had been 1/3 of the guests like yours, I definitely wouldn’t have!
Of the ~200 guests at my wedding, probably ~100 were at the rehearsal dinner. I was married in a city where I’d gone to high school and where my parents lived at the time, but it was not where we are originally from so all relatives on my side, and old friends, were from out of town. My H was from Chicago and all his family and friends are from here, so they were all out of towners too. Our friends were all college- based and they were all out of towners. Indeed, the only real “locals” we’re neighbors and my parents’ newer friends, who frankly were less important to me than their friends who had watched me grow up. I couldn’t help that everyone was from out of town; it was what it was.