<p>As many of you know an Ellebud is getting married. Love the girl…we have worked through some issues (how religious, to venue to who pays for it. No one is completely happy…which means that everyone got something they wanted, but not everything.</p>
<p>The challenge: I have an elderly relative. He was once very wealthy, but lost it some years ago. He was homeless for awhile, he lived with us for a number of years…He is living in a senior facility. I was quite prepared to invite him to the wedding. I made appointments for him with our tailor. (this is not unusual, I have supplied with his wardrobe for 10 years)…last evening I realized that without two caregivers there he can’t make it. He is deaf, doesn’t see well, he has little muscle strength and last night was a disaster: he came here with pneumonia. </p>
<p>I feel horrible saying this but he can’t come to the wedding. Has anyone tackled this</p>
<p>Do you have any relatives who can care for him at the wedding?
We are inviting a few elderly relatives who are in their 90s and we had to invite their children as well to assist them.</p>
<p>This is going to sound awful…but will he know if the wedding happens without him?</p>
<p>How far away from his senior place is the wedding? Maybe the bride and groom can swing by for a couple of minutes in their wedding clothes. </p>
<p>If it’s not safe health wise, I would say no. Plus if he needs two caregivers, he sounds like he also needs carefully thought out transportation.</p>
<p>My mother will not be able to attend my son’s wedding. She is in a distant state, in a wheelchair, needs two aids to transfer her and a hospital bed (among other things). She also has some dementia and gets very weepy at times. I had the kids hold her wedding invitation. This month (the month before the wedding) I told her when I was visiting that the kids have decided to get married before they move from their current city. I told her it would be a very low key civil ceremony, no bridesmaids, just a few friends and family. I downplayed it as much as possible. I know she is sad (she was an involved grandma even at a distance) but there just isn’t any way for her to attend and I didn’t want someone to ask her about it and not have her know. (I also told my father; he didn’t really care which was about what I expected.)</p>
<p>My SIL’s grandmother wasn’t able to come to my D’s wedding. His mother really tried to figure out a way, but it would have meant a couple days stay at a rental place, a lot of care with wheelchair, toilet needs, and other help–she’s very medically fragile. SIL’s mom decided it just wasn’t feasible and she would have been doing non-stop care and not enjoying her son’s wedding. D and SIL visited her soon after.</p>
<p>I have a sister-in-law who is also a wheel-chair user and not in good health. She and my brother worked very hard on preparation and arrangements so she was able to come. We did make sure everything was accessible (one reason we had wedding near the beach but not on it.) </p>
<p>I think it’s really a case by case situation, and everyone’s needs need to be taken into account. I am sure you know best in this case, Ellebud.</p>
<p>If you had asked me 2 weeks ago if my uncle would understand what was going on I would have said yes. Yesterday…no. I didn’t have much contact with him for most of my life. None of the issues are/were mine. He “borrowed” or “invested” money from most of my family’s money…so no…they have paid their dues. And most of them won’t talk to him anyway</p>
<p>A note: MIL isn’t/can’t come either. We will be taping everything and her brother and family will watch with notes on what is happening. I can do the same thing for him as well. </p>
<p>I know people who have arranged for distant family members to see their wedding through a video feed. I just saw a friend’s vow renewal live online a few weeks ago. If he can’t attend (or shouldn’t attend), this would be a way of including him in the ceremony.</p>
<p>My mom was not able to attend S1’s wedding (she was bedridden, but mentally 100%). My dad attended and taped it so she could watch it when he got home. (Live streaming was not available at this location.) I also sent Mom and my sister who was caring for her a bouquet the day of the wedding to acknowledge that they were in our thoughts. Am so glad I did; Mom passed away less than three months later. S and DIL had flown cross country to see here a few months prior as well. </p>
<p>My mother won’t be attending S1’s wedding, if she’s still alive by the time of the wedding next year. She’s in a nursing home, has dementia, and wouldn’t really remember it. The wedding is also 4 hours away.</p>
<p>I regretted inviting her to S2’s bar mitzvah 11 years ago, when she made it all about her. She had mild dementia then, and needed assistance with toileting. I missed some of his reading from the Torah when she insisted she had to go to the bathroom and that I was the only one who could take her, and was very loud about it.</p>
<p>Thank you all for your advice and input. I appreciate it so much. Good thing that I have a chance to “mull”. The wedding would become about him. </p>
<p>…anyone want to buy a 5 year old Jaguar? Fairly low mileage…yes, it is “that” uncle.</p>
<p>I brought my FA to a wedding of niece in Atlanta. It was difficult. After salad served, he got weepy, missing my mother (who had died a few months before). So, who accompanied him back to hotel? Me. Fast forward a few months, and wedding of nephew. At this point he needed dialysis. Sister and others made all sort of suggestions about arranging dialysis in this city. Who would have taken him? who would have missed the dinner? ME. Who would have dealt with his desire to drive? ME </p>
<p>I played the heavy. No one but me knew the toll that dialysis takes on a person. I thought it was doubtful he would even be able to attend the wedding. I promised my dad I would take lots of pictures and share everything with him. He did understand. </p>
<p>Bevhills, you know what your uncle’s presence would do to you at the wedding.</p>
<p>I have a friend who would gladly buy that Jaguar, but alas, you are on opposite coast. </p>
<p>I’m sorry Bevhills. All happy occasions are tinged with a bit of complexity and sadness. If he remains able, perhaps after the wedding you can visit with him and share the photos. Better yet, maybe Ellebud kid can make a visit a few weeks after the wedding. I think one-to-one is always better with the elderly and in this case impaired.</p>
<p>I agree with many posters above. Ellebud kid deserves Mom’s full attention (and you deserve the opportunity to see him wed). Uncle will just be a major stress on many…and will probably not enjoy (or remember?) the festivities. Give yourself permission to opt Uncle out…</p>
<p>Edited to add,
I was a guest at a wedding where elderly relatives who had peeved the immediate family and who were not competent we’re invited and just ignored. Not happy for the rest of the guests at the hotel.<br>
I</p>
<p>One day I would love to have a CC Parent Cafe party. I think that despite our differences we are a pretty great group. Gosmom…give myself permission…Give myself permission to enjoy our son’s wedding. Yes…that’s it. Thank you. Thank you all.</p>