<p>You are being realistic, bevhills. There is only so much you can do. This uncle has, from your report, been very self focused and uncooperative. Time for you to take care of yourself.</p>
<p>Didnt he ding up that jag wish several accidents???</p>
<p>OK- sorry, and dont mean to hijack, but am venting a similar frustration:</p>
<p>We are dealing with issues related to DS’s engagement party and wedding. Moocher BIL is trying to get DH to get us to pay for his family of 5 to fly here and stay 5 days in 2 hotel rooms for the party. They say they cant afford it, yet he is taking 2 of his grown sons to Sri Lanka and Peru. That he can afford??? Please.</p>
<p>When SIL told me they were “saving up to come to the wedding”, I told her I was sorry they couldn’t make it to the engagement party, and that there was a hotel attached to the restaurant which makes it easy for her to get there (she has ambulation issues as does my other SIL). She wants to come and is pissed that her DH is taking all these other trips without her (she says her medical issues prevent her from travelling there). He doesn’t handle money well so they really probably cant afford his taking these international trips. But he will anyway.</p>
<p>So BIL calls my DH who tells me BIL said I “dictated” that they attend the engagement shower. Um NO. I would like their kids to spend some time with their cousins who they rarely see, but BIL ALWAYS makes everything all about him . I don’t see that it is our responsibility to pay for them to attend. Oh, and SIL now says she probably cant fly across country for the wedding (she did last year for some other relatives wedding who isnt as close) so now she wants to come to the engagement party. Fine. Come. But please don’t expect us to pay for it. </p>
<p>Our kids and the future bride’s family will be staying with us, so the moochers cant stay here. And even if they did, I’d have to hide any medicine we have in the house or SIL would possibly tap into it. Thats another story. </p>
<p>So, I am trying to stand my ground and not pay for their travels and lodging. Its certainly a LOT cheaper than a trip to Sri Lanka!</p>
<p>Jym…you send the invite to the party. NO room or flight charges included in that invite. If they can make it happen financially, fine. If not…tough luck. Choices choices.</p>
<p>Jym, your BIL does not have his priorities straight. A wedding is a one time event, but Peru will still be there next year. an your hubby say that to him, in a nice way?</p>
<p>Video feed sounds like the ideal solution. No need to feel guilty. If the wedding couple can find time afterwards to pay their respects that would be great.</p>
<p>JYM, I’ve never figured out how you keep getting suckered into paying for BIL, but if he asks directly just say you’re all spent out from the wedding and he’s on his own.</p>
<p>I agree with thumper that you should just send the invitations and let them decide if they can afford the trip. I’m sure your son is used to these relatives’ shenanigans and would know why they’re not there. Too bad these relatives can’t get their priorities straight.</p>
<p>Thanks, everyone. You are preaching to the choir. I have no trouble saying NO to my BIL. Its my softie DH who does. At one level my DH understands that his B has zero money management skills, and understands that I an unwilling to enable his bros behavior. But DH dislikes it when they are portrayed as moochers (which they are).</p>
<p>The trips to Sri Lanka and Peru are to mooch off other people while one of his sons is there as part of his grad school requirement. Does he (BIL) need to go? No. Does he (BIL) want to go? Of course. And again, its all about him, though he’ll claim its to be able to take his other s’s (older s is on the spectrum, younger son has anxiety for obvious reasons- these are grown men).</p>
<p>I Know that if they come, there will be some drama as well as expectations to chauffeur them (hopefully the other, good SIL will do that) and some medical crisis or 2, and of course just the hassle of dealing with their drama, which I do not want or need. We sill be expected to pay for all their meals too. That goes without say. Dont ask.</p>
<p>bevhills, you have gone the extra mile with this uncle and I’m with the others who vote that you need to focus on enjoying this wedding. You deserve it!</p>
<p>jym, good luck with getting your DH to turn a little deaf with his brother. Maybe he can be trained to say that you’ll miss them and then immediately change the subject.</p>
<p>Just talked to SIL (who sounded overly medicated from oral surgery). Sounds like she isnt planning to bring her s’s (the cousins) for various reasons, though one son is planning to fly back from Sri Lanka or peru to attend a friends wedding, but wont attend his cousins wedding or engagement party. Um… OK. Whatever. DS will probably be disappointed and a little hurt, but it is what it is.</p>
<p>I told SIL about some very affordable and adequate hotels/motels nearby the others. And she said they may have hotel points from the chain we are using. None of this stops BIL from trying to get my DH to pay for his travels. Makes me a little crazy.</p>
<p>BevHills: I wholeheartedly agree that leaving uncle at his facility is in the best interest of everyone. As OP’s have mentioned you’ll be in the position of choosing between his needs and being there for your son. I like the idea of either live streaming or recording the ceremony. </p>
<p>I’ll pass on the car. Was a passenger in a jag that lost it’s brake cable on a very long and windy West L.A. street. My mother’s lovely and eccentric friend was at the wheel. That was one wild and crazy ride.</p>
<p>If one’s elderly relative has faculties intact but just needs physical care hiring a travelling nurse can work out well. I had a relative do that for a grandmother so she could attend a wedding. The nurse travelled by plane with her, stayed in the hotel room with her and took care of everything at the wedding. Car service was arranged ahead of time so she could go back to the hotel whenever she needed to when she got tired. It meant a lot to everyone to have her there so it was worth every penny. There were no issues with unpleasant personalities or disruptive behavior though. </p>
<p>Ellebud, if the uncle has pneumonia, it would be in his best interest to stay away from any crowds. He is old, frail, and his immune system is already taking a hit from the bugs…</p>
<p>No, the Jag is not the car he dinged up. That was the Mercedes. And there was a car before that. I guess if one is going to be homeless you might as well do it in style. He may not like where he is living…but they take care of him.</p>
<p>Jym: You are not responsible to bring family to the wedding. (Remember Father of the Bride? the Danish relatives). We received some feelers on that and I said uhh…no. If a few of the bride’s friends from New York are coming…and since many of them are artists…we can host some of them. But I haven’t been asked and I am not volunteering. The requests for transportation came from people our age, not the kids.</p>
<p>jym, the way I look at it, rather than be miffed that the BIL and family won’t make the effort to attend your S’s wedding, you should be very happy that they aren’t coming and you will not have to solve their problems or be tortured by their drama.:)</p>
<p>My 80’s year old father could have easily flown with and shared a hotel room with son for another grandson’s wedding a few years ago. Didn’t. Has attended all local grandchildren’s weddings. This year he wondered if we were driving from FL and possibly could give him a ride to the city of that family’s D for her wedding- surprised me. We’ll decide our trip a few weeks before- have lots of people to stop and see enroute. Happiness is this wedding will conflict with an invite to BIL’s dinner for an organization which is also H’s sister’s birthday- get out of sitting at a boring dinner listening to speeches et al. She’ll have other birthdays and niece will have the one wedding (presumably- have attended two for another nephew). We skipped going the 1300 miles to an April in WI wedding- not as close to groom, my B doesn’t really like me and the season…</p>
<p>Agree the OP’s relative should not be accommodated. Decades ago when H and I got married we sent an invitation to India but they couldn’t get a visa in time to come- H knew this, I would have accommodated- changed dates et al. Their first US trip was later in the summer. Some family drama then with BIL/SIL so good they didn’t have to be with them while we honeymooned (back in those days you typically didn’t live with each other beforehand and had to adjust to that).</p>
<p>The only thing I am miffed about, consolation, is what little consideration is given to the feelings of my DH and DS. And how they (BIL et al) would surely miraculously be able to attend if we wanted to foot the bill. Not happening, Oh, and this is costing us $$ anyway. It makes DH tense and he just cracked another tooth. Sigh.</p>
<p>Many years ago my aunt couldn’t make it to her granddaughter’s bat mitzvah due to sudden illness. She heard the whole thing–ceremony, dinners–by conference call. </p>
<p>There’s also <a href=“https://www.anybots.com/”>https://www.anybots.com/</a> which wouldn’t work if the telecommuting guest is an attention hound, but would be great if a much-loved friend or relative really couldn’t make it in person. </p>
<p>jym, I gather your H is reluctant to cut his brother loose, emotionally, but I’m sort of surprised that your S isn’t on to them by this point. Of course it may be that you and your H have protected the kids from much of what has gone on…</p>
<p>DS stays pretty removed from this stuff, and yes, we try not to wave this stuff in front of the Ds’s faces. I think DS would have liked for his only cousins to attend, but at another level he probably doesnt mind the extra spots available to fill at the wedding! He’s had to cut back his list much more than he wanted.</p>
Hope it works out.</p>