With all the good conversation about weight loss going on…
our elderly mom wants me to talk to my oldest sibling about his weight. He’s in his early 60’s with , I am guessing, between 50 and 75 pounds to lose, at least. He has a lovely wife who hasnever worked outside the home and I know she worries about his weight, but their main recreation is eating out (3-4times/wk). They have three kids in college. He is asthmatic and allergic to everything. I am the normal-weight sibling after many years of food struggle and continuing vigilance.
Anyway, I told my mom that it doesn’t work that way – people have to do weight loss as a personal choice, and I can’t imagine my input would somehow tip the scale . I watch him eat two, three, helpings of whatever and want to say “hey! way to choose food over your family, who will be lost when you drop dead early” but I don’t.
Has anyone been influenced by this kind of conversation? Am I missing a chance here?
OP, I’m willing to bet there’s nothing anyone could say to him that he doesn’t know. You mention that you’ve struggled, so you must know, that it’s not just losing weight, it’s the CONSTANT everyday effort to think about every bit of food so weight stays off. I’m sure I’ve lost as much weight in my life as most people have gained - but keeping it off? Not so much.
I’ve had people who care try to talk to me, and honestly, all I can think of is “Really? I should lose weight? Eat less and exercise more? What a great idea!! Who knew?? What the $&@ do you think I’ve been trying to do my whole life?”
So be encouraging in whatever ways you can, but IMHO, you’re not “missing a chance.”
Do you think he doesn’t know that he needs to lose weight?
My H still harangues his father over his weight, and it does no good. People either want to deal with it, or they don’t.
Life is not a movie of the week, more’s the pity. My mom has talked to him, and I sent all my siblings a “boy this is scary” POV note after my own heart-induced trip to the ER, but honestly, I am just so uncomfortable with the idea that even well-meaning concern is useful. I think as my parents age, they see fewer and fewer chances to make sure we’re okay!
I’m overweight, and I can tell you a few things that decrease my motivation tremendously:
the abundance of much more overweight people around, and the attack of any concern about weight as “fat shaming”
the fact that I have tried again and again and it just doesn’t seem to work past five pounds down then five pounds up
my stress level (sending a kid to college LOL)
I was raised in a high-carb comfort food household (so many carbs…)
I know I want to lose weight, and now that “can eat like a pig teenager and not gain a pound” is leaving for college, I have high hopes that the rest of us can buckle down and not buy the high calorie things that a competitive athlete needs to maintain weight.
I agree that mom can say something, and OP can say something, and everybody can say something, but he needs to make the decision. In a way, it’s like being a drunk or a druggie, no one can make you stop.
Sometimes I think about throwing out everything and starting new, like my friend’s oncologist said “ONLY EAT GREEN!”. But then like today, there were some Froot Loops and, uh, oh well…
In some cultures, being fat is a sign of being rich. Anyone is fat shows they have enough money to eat well.
I was thinking about the same thing for a sibling. I kept quiet because I am sure they have gotten the lecture before. It comes to personal responsibility. If they want something bad enough they will find the will to do it. There are the ones that have to find the motivation themselves. All one can offer is to be a buddy to help if needed. I have come to realize I don’t want to be visiting doctors or have anything prohibit me from having a quality life. Daily stresses are harder when you don’t feel well.
I think it almost never works, and if your mom talks to him she’ll also accomplish nothing except possibly damage to their relationship. I was a little overweight as a teen and my mother was always waiting to pounce for “the talk”, with the result that I avoided being alone with her. Not the same situation, and I don’t extrapolate my story to everybody, but your brother knows. Just about every overweight person knows. Don’t feel bad about missing an opportunity to help him - it’s almost certain that you can’t. To paraphrase a common CC pearl, “Love the brother on the couch”.
Did you see the recent story about the difficulty in sustaining weight loss? One in 210 men who are obese manages to achieve and maintain a normal weight. That’s less than 1/2 of 1%.
It is a lot harder to deal with than is usually credited. I’d like to see everyone who wears glasses just focus on focusing better, and see how they do in terms of successfully ditching the glasses.
I think the overweight individual has to have that “wake-up” call, life grabbing you by the shoulders and shaking you moment. I know, I just had one. I have lost and regained weight my entire life. First diet at age 8. I am sure your brother knows he is overweight and knows it is bad for his health. People overeat because it works - it comforts, it entertains, it fills a void, etc. To lose weight and keep it off you have to really understand your relationship with food and change it. I cannot live with the thought of my close friend dying and not taking something from it. I have my wake-up call. Your brother just needs his.
You have an opportunity to love your brother as is. This is your greatest gift to him.
We all have something that we have to deal with. Each and every one of us has a challenge. The difference is that obesity is not able to be hidden. Alcoholism, gambling, and many other issues can be hidden from others.
The exercise and healthy eating movement is probably bigger now than it ever has been in the United States. It has become Americas favorite past time. Obesity has become a national focus and politically correct to outright challenge.
Fat people are easy targets.
So give your brother something he really needs. Your love and compassion and acceptance for who he is right now. That might do more for his longevity and mental health than anything else you can do.
In my experience, unless someone is already on the verge of making a change himself telling him he’s fat will do nothing but make him more self-conscious, leading to less exercise and more stress eating.
This doesn’t address your question but as a side comment…
If your family wants your brother to lose weight the best person to help with that is his wife. If she does the majority of the shopping and cooking she can buy healthy food and cook lower fat meals high in whole foods. Resisting that packet of Oreos is a whole lot harder if it means driving to the store to buy it instead of simply opening the pantry. The whole family may have to adjust their eating habits, and as you know that can be really hard.
In my experience, unless someone is already on the verge of making a change himself telling him he’s fat will do nothing but make him more self-conscious, leading to less exercise and more stress eating.
Confrontation does not work, but cooperation might. I know that the support of my friends and relatives (and CC acquaintances) has been invaluable as I’ve lost weight over the last three years.
Perhaps the question to ask your brother is “what can I do to help?”
do you think I’ve been trying to do my whole life?”