I think posts #18 and #19 are spot on. Rather than talking to your brother, perhaps start with his wife, express your concerns and ask “what can I do to help?”. If she is concerned, she may be open to some suggestions on healthy meals, how to shop, healthier cooking methods, etc. If she is receptive great, however be prepared for the opposite reaction as well. She may not see this as a problem, especially if she is unwilling to change her own habits.
A good friend of mine is facing this same issue with her brother. He is overweight, definitely over indulges with both food and alcohol and hasn’t seen a doctor in years. His family has expressed their concerns but they hit a brick wall with his wife. She refuses to see this as a problem because her lifestyle would have to change if his did.
Good luck, I agree with the other posters who say change must start with him. If all else fails, as post #12 says, “Love the brother on the couch” and realize even though we love our family members, our influence is limited.
If you do this, the very best thing that can happen is that your brother ignores your advice, and continues doing what he’s doing, eating out and not losing weight. The worst is far worse that that. Think lost relationships, future animosity at family gatherings, and a generational rift that may affect your children and his.
I had the same conversation with my sisters about smoking…after they lost two parents to cancer. It did no good…at all…but they knew I was coming from a position of worry, not insult.
As an overweight person, I cannot say it loud enough to make others understand how much I work at not being more so–exercise, an extremely healthy approach to food, blah blah blah. I wish it led to weight loss, but it doesn’t. At my most stringent, it leads to maintenance. I probably wouldn’t even speak to a family member who decided I needed an intervention.
(As an aside, I’m very healthy by all metabolic indicators–blood pressure, sugar, cholesterol, etc etc. So when people–referencing rvm’s thread, and meaning no disrespect,–use the “wake up call” phrase to assume that bad outcomes are invariably a result of someone being “somewhat overweight” it make me sad. Because it’s never so simple as saying “if he’d done this or that he’d be fine.”)
In fairness to my mom, her own weight loss was the result of this sort of conversation. My Dad sat her down and asked her to please not die just because she was too busy to take care of herself first. The next day she started at a gym, in her 70’s, and eventually lost all the 30 or so pounds that had snuck up on her over time. That was 20 years ago.
i realize that’s an exception. We are coming from a position of concern, not judgement, because God knows we have no claim on any high ground. My family has no illusions about how easy things are in life, his wife is a healthy-weight professional volunteer who has asked another sibling (who lives close by, I do not) to speak to our brother in hopes of motivating him to change. That sibling also chose to stay out of it. We are a very close bunch, and I can’t imagine anything that would cause a rift – but still, you all confirm my own sense that there’s nothing helpful for me to add. I hadn’t thought to ask my SIL how she is coping, which seems like a good idea.
I struggle with food every day, and expect to continue that. Hats off to everyone else here who does as well.
Is your brother eat out a lot? I noticed I gained weight by eating out. So we stopped eating out. Food tastes almost the same and decided to eat home cooked meals. Food tastes a lot better and there is no added calories on top of saving money.
I would suggest you make sure your brother knows about the availability of gastric sleeve surgery, performed in Mexican border towns for about one-third of the U.S. cost. You do not have to jump through a million hoops or be 200 pounds overweight to get the surgery in Mexico. I would suggest anyone interested Google the name Dr Jose Rodriguez. He doesn’t have many dissatisfied patients.
I know someone who gastric sleeve after a lap-band nightmare and they have been very satisfied. After she had the lap band removed she started gaining weight, and the insurance company essentially told her she would have to gain another 50 pounds before she could get a gastric sleeve, so she just got one on her own. The care one receives in these Mexican hospitals is far higher than in the U.S. The sleeve surgery actually removes a portion of the stomach that produces Ghrelin, which is the hormone the stomach releases that essentially forces people to eat.
I suggest anyone interested do some Internet research. Total cost, including travel and hotel, is about $10,000.
Sometimes, weight loss talk drives me nuts. So many people have a theory that it’s just so easy to decide one day that your life will change. As if. We forget how many things impact our ability to exert control, starting with stress, depression, and anxiety. People can try to control what they “can” - and it often seems that starts with what you put in your mouth or what sort of exercise you get- but I’m convinced it’s more than that. You’re not really talking about grade school math (calories in versus burned.) You’re talking about the brain and how it responds 24/7 to all sorts of alerts and tasks.
Add to that, different genetic types will respond differently to different actual eating plans. You need to learn what does work for you, what doesn’t. Sometimes it’s even when you eat. Any two people can be different, even siblings. It’s about your own metabolism, not some magic formula. Funny example: when dieting, I can drink lots of water but not soups, not even low sodium, healthy, carefully prepared, broth and veggies soups. Otoh, I can do portion controlled desserts.
OP can tell her brother she loves him, she can do what she can to alleviate stress (probably not much, as it’s a sibling with his own life.) But she can also just say, I’m here if you need to talk.
Right about the wife. If their main recreation is going out to dinner, they may need to re-examine.
I also think it’s worth asking if he has too much stress in his life. I told my husband, kids when I noticed they gain weight. Yeap against CC mantra. In my husband’s case it was 15 years ago, he loved bagel and had 2 per breakfast, even though he ran on a daily basis, I could tell he was gaining weight so I mentioned it to him. He cut down to one bagel. Took off 10 pounds immediately. Same with the two kids, I mentioned to exercise to reduce stress, not mentioned the weight, but of course the weight came off as a result. They both can take on more things when they reduce stress. Better grades and better life in general.
My dogs had each gained three pounds (they are normally ~45 pounds) at their last exam. I’ve been cutting back their food and the raw-hides we give them, and about three months later they are both down about two pounds. Of course, they only eat what I give them. I wish it were that easy for people.
Actually, he never weight himself so it’s a good thing I noticed it, otherwise he would be 75lbs-100 lbs overweight now. Like I said, I know it’s unpopular to post that on CC but I did. Political correctness does nobody any good. For some people, it’s hard to loose weight, for some people it’s not hard if they just cut back a little. The problem America has is an abundant of food.
If loving your spouse is wrong, I don’t want to be right. Isn’t there a song like that?
This is not everyone so please don’t think I’m making a blanket statement. There are people, especially men, and especially men who live in certain parts of the country, who really have no idea about nutritional content or healthy eating habits. What would that even constitute? There are regional/cultural eating styles that are harder to get past in some places. Even in our region where the default cuisine has a more favorable starting point my dad and husband really have no idea even about macro-nutrients let alone the rest of it. They have no idea about the butter and sodium in even “healthier” “nicer” restaurant food. They have no idea that alcohol has more calories per gram than carbs.
There are non-starvation ways to cut back that involve lifestyle changes, food preparation changes and such. As was pointed out, if his wife is interested in this topic and she does most of the buying and prep she can start making some of those changes gradually as a family. That is not to say that you can’t gain weight on “healthy” food with lack of portion control, but it’s a place to start.
A good place to start is the eating out 3x per week. This would have to come from the spouse NOT your mother or yourself. If his wife is actually concerned she could cook at home, bank the saved $$$$ and propose a vacation with the savings or something.
My husband didn’t not notice any tightness in clothes but when I hugged him I could tell my arms were stretching. So I asked him if he gained weight. Then he did use the scale and he told his weight went from 170 lbs to 180lbs, that’s the most he ever weighted. He did thank me for noticing it.
@rhandco, my household is just my daughter and me, so I’m sure it was easier to control. But starting when my daughter went away to college last August, I have lost 25 pounds. Still plenty more to go, but I had complete control over what I brought into the house (no FruitLoops!) and I had control over when and what I ate. The only big change I made was a strategy I read about somewhere: I do all my eating within 12 hours of the day. So not a bite more after 8 p.m. if my first bite was at 8 a.m.
The other thing I did at the beginning was to binge on healthy stuff. I made enough tasty veggies (string beans, broccoli, salad just the stuff I really like–no lettuce, just cucumbers and tomatoes and red peppers) for two or three people and ate it all myself. By now my appetite is definitely less and I try to pay attention when I’m full.
I didn’t even realize I was losing weight until I went to the doctor in March for my annual physical and they weighed me. At that point I had lost 10 lbs and I was motivated to start walking a few times every week instead of driving or taking the bus. By now my clothes fit better, and when I took some airplane rides last month, they were much less agonizing because I fit in the seat.
I don’t think anyone minded the idea of talking to a spouse about watching the intake, in as nice a way as one can. I do think it was the idea all one has to do is eliminate one bagel. It doesn’t matter if that did work for him, the larger thing is that the whole issue is a loaded one, not so easily dealt with. It can be emotional and most of us are not eating two bagels, maybe already not regularly eating even one.
Still, I’ll mention this Interesting tip I got from a power lifter: exercise within 45 minutes of eating (ie, before or after.) He said the rev in metabolism accelerates what happens to those calories. I was doing an evening walk, which did help, in addn to the gym. Btw, I do need to lose now and it’s hard to get in the pm walk without the dog as a motivator.