I’m not really sure where else to turn for this as neither of my parents planned their children so there was no time to be terrified.
I am really, really scared to have kids and in many ways, I feel bad about that. My sister-in-law is my age and is actively trying to get pregnant right now and many of my other friends are having children and very excited.
Then, I’m over here terrified. I’m in my mid-20s and the goal is to have my (probably) one and only child by 30. I’d like to have a child while I’m finishing my dissertation for many reasons which would put me on track to have one around 28 or 29. That isn’t that far away.
I have never really wanted kids. I don’t mind them but it’s never been a life goal. My partner will be an excellent parent- I have no doubt about that, but I don’t think I will be and I don’t think I’ll ever be as good of a parent as my parents were to me… and that scares me. I also don’t know how to parent. I never had rules and in many ways have been my parents’ partner rather than their kid for much of my life due to their medical issues and our financial issues. We’ve had nothing resembling a “normal” parent-child relationship… whatever that is.
Anyway, was anyone else scared? And not just scared but really terrified? I just kind of want to know I’m not alone in feeling like this.
PS: My partner does know how I feel and is in absolutely no way pressuring me to have kids. He does want them, and I want them too in some abstract sense, but the idea of actually having them is terrifying.
Have you considered babysitting some older kids of a friend or relative. Kids really don’t have to be terrifying and don’t have to have any “traditional” relationship with you. All kids need is love and some consistency and they tend to work out pretty well, for the most part. I’d consider maybe volunteering somewhere there are kids, just to get a bit more comfortable and decide whether YOU really want or don’t want kids. I had worked with kids all my life, so knew I really wanted kids and am good around them. H was a bit nervous (since he hadn’t been around many kids in decades). but he has been an amazing dad.
I used to nanny and coach kids. I don’t have an issue with kids in general- in fact, I love babysitting and working with them. It’s the parenting thing that’s scary.
When I told my colleagues that I was pregnant, they were all shocked and dismayed. They really couldn’t imagine me being a parent. It was the hardest and scariest thing I ever did, but it was also the most rewarding.
I’m sure you’ll be an awesome parent, Romani, once you decide that it’s something YOU want. It’s really a personal choice and there is no right or wrong one, you have to do what works for YOU.
I never wanted kids. I told my H that when we were dating. He said, “But, I do!.” I decided I wanted to be with him and to have him happy. I did tell him it was 2 or none (our bodies willing and able to do that).
So, we have our two. They are 5 years apart, too far apart to be close friends, though close enough to be able to discuss me and decide what to do with me when I am old and senile.
I was hesitant. I liked our young married couple lifestyle. I knew that having a kid would mean $$$$$$ and fewer vacations and this and that. My wife really wanted at least one. The first time I looked in my daughter’s eyes on the day she was born, I fell head over heels in love. No one else can answer this question for you. We can only tell you our experiences. I think my life would be less without my kid (now 24) in it.
Having kids was one of those things I felt entirely incompetent about, despite having done a lot of babysitting, even into college.
I knew it was just going to be one of those life experiences that I had to trust was going to work out once we actually had that first baby. I never felt confident going into it, but as I looked around at some of our friends having babies, I just thought, “If they can do it, we can do it.” It was a sort of blind trust experience - as long as you’re a responsible, caring, loving person (which you are), you will be fine - it’s an experience that no matter how many questions you ask, they won’t be able to adequately describe the overwhelming love that overtakes you once you’re a parent.
I was afraid I wouldn’t be a good parent because my relationship with my own mother was not the best – to put it mildly. But when my first child was born, I learned that you just figure it out as you go along. It is not hard. Your love for your child and your common sense will guide you. Parenting is a very natural thing, and hormones and instincts kick in to a remarkable degree. Don’t worry!
You have all made me feel a little better.
I think I’m just starting to freak out a little because it’s becoming closer and closer to a reality and it’s not just some really abstract notion any more.
Plus, I just tend to be an anxious person in general.
Neither of my parents had strong parent support growing up. My mom was the youngest of 4- 3 older brothers who all had pretty significant problems so by the time my grandparents got to her, they were pretty much free range parents. My dad’s parents divorced when he was in early grade school and his dad moved away and mom was more interested in her new marriage than in raising her kids. They did a great job as parents to me.
I never babysat much or had much to do with kids except a few nephews before I had mine. It’s a learn as you go experience!
Neither of my parents had strong parent support either. Both my grandfathers died when my parents were 3 years old. My dad’s mom died when he was a teenager and my mom emigrated alone when she was 16. They made plenty of parenting mistakes, as did we, but no one is perfect. We do our best, and that’s all we can do.
It was and is terrifying, and my children are 24 and 22. Also the best experience by far in my life. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I hated babysitting and have never been drawn to spend lots of time with other people’s children. But I love my children more than anything or anyone and can’t imagine my life without them. Except it would be a lot less terrifying.
You have many good reasons for stress and anxiety about this. Dissertation + thinking about kids = Aaaargh! Or, words to that effect. It is so-oooooooooooo understandable. I’ll echo from the point of view of an inept dad (then, not now – I hope) what @NJTheatreMOM said. The human race has kept going for centuries, in part because there is something in each of us that knows how to care for a child. And, now we have doctors and advice nurses and friends who have children and … There’s a lot of help out there when you need it. It’s an adventure. I don’t regret a day. (Okay, that may be an overstatement. The tweens are tough.)
I was pretty scared. I didn’t want kids; my husband did. My parents were both terrible; I knew I had to be different than them.
What I can tell you is that it is different when it is your kid. Babysitting or camp counseling really doesn’t count – when it’s your kid it’s just different. Things that you cannot stomach with other kids are different when it’s yours. There’s no guarantees in life, but I’m pretty sure that when your kid is born even if you are still terrified, that won’t matter. You do what you have to do, and you fall in love, because it’s yours. (Most of the time; I know there are women with postpartum depression where this is different.)
That said, I took a few parenting classes when my kid was young that were really helpful. And there are even more parenting resources out there now, thanks to the Internet. While some of parenting is instinctual, you can learn how to do it – how to set boundaries, give choices, etc.
I knew nothing about raising kids either, and we were both pretty involved in our careers when we felt the clock was ticking too loudly and went for it. Neither of us was really scared about having kids either. In hindsight, having kids was the best thing we did, but I suspect it had pretty significant impacts on our careers since our priorities changed.
With what little I know, I think it’s simpler to raise multiple kids than just one simply because they can keep one-another engaged if they are close in age. We had three in four years and it couldn’t have been better (DW may disagree about the impact on her body, but it wasn’t anything terrible). Our biggest blessing has been that they haven’t suffered from any significant problems.
From what I know about you, which isn’t much and based purely on the many posts that I’ve read over the years, you’ll make a great parent of some very lucky kids, and your anxiety is natural, but without real merit. I sincerely hope you go for at least two.
As far back as I can remember I knew I wanted babies and that that would be my main life’s work. At age four I knew this. It was important to me to marry someone who understood how I felt and would be an excellent father. As a young woman in my 20s, I had really intense baby lust, but deliberately waited to start our family till we were in a position for me to be the full time primary caregiver.
So my pregnancy was long awaited and planned and still I was terrified once it was confirmed. I thought, “wow- alh - now you/ve done it. You will never be the star of your life again. From here on out, it will all be about the baby, all the time.” And that turned out to be true, but also it turned out it didn’t matter one bit.
I don’t think anyone should ever be talked into having children. I really tend to think of it as a vocation. Planning a baby during the dissertation can be a great idea, assuming everything goes smoothly. If not, it sounds like you have a whole lot of family support. Once you have a baby, life becomes inherently unpredictable in a way that was unimaginable beforehand. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it is reality.
I think probably the rational response might be terror. I think somewhere you wrote you would probably adopt? If that is the case, why can’t you wait? I see absolutely no reason to feel bad about your feelings. Based on your posts, I am positive you will be a good parent if you decide to have children, but if you were my daughter I would want you to wait as long as you are so conflicted. Not everyone needs to have children. Child free individuals and couples have just as wonderful and meaningful lives as parents.
My adult children are dealing with this as well. And originally they, too, had age 30 as the target date. This is unrealistic for them unless someone is willing to forfeit some career opportunities or someone’s mama is willing to move in and raise the baby. Or at least be there as back-up to a full-time nanny. I pointed out they would miss out if grandmama raises the baby (though sometimes this will absolutely be the best option) and they can just wait till they actually have time in their lives for a family. They are still very young. And I told them, they are my priority until they reproduce but then everyone’s priority becomes the baby. That has to be the primary focus. Who knows if they are listening?
I had mine when I was 29 and 30. There’s a huge difference in how I looked at the world at 25 and at 29. A lot can change in that time. I have never been super baby crazy, or really liked other people’s kids much, but I do like my own (and love them). I waited until I wanted to have them. My H is the same way-he was happy with kids, or happy not with kids, whichever way life would take us.
It’s not a mandate just because you have ovaries. So I’d wait until (and if) the desire to have a kid is stronger than the fear of not being a good parent. I think you also recognize that having a kid means you don’t get to be selfish anymore, so until you’re ready to be that, don’t be a parent. Enjoy your by-yourself-ness as long as you need to, so you don’t resent your kid when you let it go. Or decide it’s not something that you want to give up, and be at peace with it, because that’s ok too.
And let’s just put it out there that the parents that are scared of not doing a good job are typically not the ones not doing a good job ;).
Well the fact you are worried about being a good mom tells me you’ll put in the effort to be one!
I was never really a baby/kid person. And I laugh now about it but I seriously wondered if I could lover my baby as much as I loved my cat.
I wouldn’t put a time line on yourself but I also wouldn’t wait for the right time as that never exists.
However if it’s not just a fear that you’d be terrible, but that you don’t really want kids, make sure to examine that, having a child is not a requirement for a happy life.
