Thank you all so much for your responses. I am keeping up reading them but preparing (ok, procrastinating) for a conference so my responses will be sparse for a while.
You are right. We want to try and have at least one biological child (not that it makes any difference whether we adopt or not, but we’re both fairly familiar with the foster care system and know how hard it can be to adopt). I have medical issues which I know will likely make it difficult to have children. We are committed to trying to have at least one but we both have agreed (for now, and this may change- who knows?) that we are not interested in fertility treatments and all that. We’ve watched older friends go through it and it’s been a string of very rough journeys that neither Mr R nor I particularly want to endure- emotionally or financially (although right now my insurance through the U- which I will have through about the age of 30- is fantastic about covering fertility treatments.)
Adoption is absolutely and very seriously on the table, but so is this. That’s why I’m thinking about it.
The adoption question is another scary one altogether. Mr R used to nanny for a family that had 2 adopted and a string of foster children because they couldn’t adopt legally together (lesbian parents). It was through watching them fall in love with and lose some of their foster children due to bigoted state laws that scares me a bit about adoption but again- that is a whole other issue.
If a young woman tells me having children is a life priority for her, I advise “Do it whenever you can. There is never a right time.” If a young woman tells me she never really wanted children, but thinks maybe she will have at least one, (for whatever reason), I advise her to wait. Assuming, of course, anyone asks my opinion.
A friend, who had always been very clear she didn’t want children, got talked into a very late in life baby by her husband who promised he would do all the primary caregiving. Guess what? After just a year or so, he was back to being a workaholic. She is the caregiver. She loves her child very much, but this is definitely not the life she had planned for herself. It is a lot of stress - and terror- she had intended to avoid. I love her child, too, but feel aggravated on behalf of my friend.
Can you start with a puppy? I know that sounds silly but they are good practice, and if you’re patient enough and self-sacrificing enough for a doggie, you’re probably on the right track. I don’t count kitties because they tend to be a little more self-sufficient.
Of course pets are not kids (though my poodle mix thinks she is a human).
Your fears are natural, and a good sign actually. Having a child is a life-changing event.
My oldest just moved out (at 21) and it feels like my heart has been partially cut out. It’s hard to believe. I had him at 24, totally unprepared, and my second a few years later. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything. It is the hardest, and best, thing I’ve ever done.
I’m pretty sure the OP has already had the experience of having dogs.
Oh, and as far as the anxiety goes, I think all of us parents here would be much more worried about your future as a parent if you said you had no anxiety about it! You are giving this some serious thought and not just jumping into it willy-nilly like some young people do. You are making an informed decision (well, as much as it can be informed).
@alh my partner very much wants to be the stay-at-home-parent (or at least “primary” for lack of a better word, if he does have to work). He loves children and they gravitate towards him. He currently works at a Montessori-type school which has children from infancy through early elementary. He absolutely loves it. Our fridge is filled with drawings from his “kids” lol.
That is the only way I think I could have children. It is with a partner who is that supportive and that committed to being the SAHP.
I am very torn. Again, I do want children in the abstract sense. It’s only when I think about actually parenting that I get scared.
I am re-reading my OP and I worded something poorly. When I said I don’t want kids, it’s not that I don’t actually want them. I just mean that it’s never been like a life goal. I am fairly confident that I would have huge regrets if I never had children but, again, it’s the reality of having them that scares me. I hope that makes sense
Also, I have a half-sister who is 5 years older than me and we have just about zero relationship. Mr R is the youngest of 3 boys who are all very close in age. We did agree that if we decided to have more than one, we would try for them to be close in age. My parents wanted more after me but I was a terrible baby and the time was just never right to have another. I do kinda wish I had a sibling but it really did work out for the best, especially after my dad’s accident when I was in middle school (for those that don’t know, my dad was in a horrific car accident when I was in 7th grade which robbed him of his ability to work, most of his memories, etc. He’s never fully recovered.)
Romani has a dog and I believe has had dogs for many years (including prior dogs). Kids are different from dogs, IMHO. I would never want a pet but was very happy to be a mom of humans.
I do have a puppy right now (see picture). I have had dogs all my life and consider myself a pretty good furparent. But I also know kids are different. I can keep my dogs alive and happy (they all live like royalty) but it is different and I know that.
“I’m pretty sure the OP has already had the experience of having dogs.”
The avatar is a good giveaway.
Add me to the terrified crowd. Never thought I would make a good parent, but my Mr. lovingly calls me Momma Cat. I must have done some parenting things right.
Duh, sorry - should have noticed that profile pic @romanigypsyeyes !
I swear I was not qualified for a dog when I had my first baby. Still can’t believe how immature I was. You sound much more mature. You will make the best decision for you guys!
I have not read other answers, but you do not have to have a kid if you are actually ‘terrified’. Wait until you are not rather than plan one when you don’t want one. Also I found out that the kid teaches you how to be a parent so you don’t have to worry about anything. Forget about other people’s kids, I was never interested in them until I became a parent.
Romani, you and other thoughtful young adults add so much to our conversations on Parent Cafe–please, please, please continue to contribute! Thanks! It’s easier to get more insights to how folks around your age think from you because you’re so open and articulate than sometimes OUR kids are with us. Of course, I know that each person is an individual, but it is nice to have some windows into your generation.
And I never had a dog, but just wanted that child. I was in my 30’s. I just loved and adored him and my role. My gym friend brought her 11 year old son to our pilates class, and placed him next to me. I offered to switch places with her. BY the way, I’m only a year younger than her mother.
It was lovely, and her son and I communicated silently through the class. I absolutely loved those non cent years with my son, from 5 to late teens. I loved having all the other boys at our house every weekend. Greatest joy in my life.
I think far fewer people should have kids than actually do. There is nothing wrong with deciding not to have children. We don’t always acknowledge that in our society.
If you do decide that having kids is what you want to do, remember that your instincts are trustworthy. When your child is a baby, meet his or her basic needs for food, clothing, shelter and touch. As he or she grows, remember that you are in control and rise above any conflict by being consistent in love and discipline, and compassionate when your child makes mistakes. Be humble and get help when you need it.
Shockingly, I can relate to you on this Romani. I never wanted kids and didn’t particularly like them. Both of my pregnancies were unplanned. Like oldfort, people were shocked when I was pregnant.
I couldn’t imagine being a parent. Miraculously, something changes the minute you have that baby. I sure made lots of mistakes- some of them quite major- but somehow you adore that kid and figure it out.
My daughter and son in law are not having children. I have no desire to have grandkids. It terrifies me.
I know that sounds silly but they are good practice, and if you’re patient enough and self-sacrificing enough for a doggie, you’re probably on the right track. I don’t count kitties because they tend to be a little more self-sufficient.
