This is such an individual thing. Some people know seemingly from birth that they will be parents one day, to the exclusion of all else. Others come by it accidentally and turn out to love it, others plan and prep and take classes for it and do it “just right” by the books and it works out, and of course, some should never really have been parents at all. But most of us are somewhere in the middle.
I’d say if you’re truly terrified, then wait. There is nothing magic that happens at 30. Another few years and you could still have kids and have your youth, if that matters. But don’t do it because of some artificial timeline you’ve set for yourself. Do it because you want kids and you’re ready to have them at that point.
I do want to echo what one of the other posters mentioned, and that’s parenting classes. You mention that though you think your parents did a great job, they actually because of circumstances, had no household rules, and I think I recall you mentioning that you lived alone for a period, at an age where it really wasn’t ideal. Maybe it’s raising kids with no rules and boundaries is what terrifies you, not actually HAVING them. Maybe if you feel more confident about parenting, you won’t be as terrified. So look into child development classes or parenting classes. Learn what works for more traditional households. Read parenting books-but don’t for a second rely on any one theory as the One True Way-there isn’t one. Do what works for YOU and YOUR family, not what some “guru” thinks is the best thing ever.
BUT, if you never feel like you can accept having kids, DON’T. There’s no rule. You can have a wonderful life without kids of your own. In the end, only you can decide.
Romani, you give so much sensible advice on the CC board. You have heart, soul, compassion, brains and are a practical, honest person. Seriously, those things along with a good dose of fun are what you need to be a parent.
5 years from now is a long time - really it is! I wouldn’t panic now. Not at all. Continue life and goals as are current. In another year you might be in another place mentally. Or two. Or three. Take care of yourself as you should anyway and see where the next couple of years takes you. There is no race. Maybe age 30 will get bumped till 32 - no timeline except your own.
Just to put things in perspective, the timeline is for a few very practical reasons:
-During my dissertation is almost certainly going to be the easiest time to have a child and take what time I need for that.
-Even as a graduate student, I have very generous child leave time and pay. I am not sure I can count on that elsewhere and I will be the primary breadwinner.
-My insurance is and will continue to be excellent. Given my health issues, and likely fertility issues, this is important.
-Fertility issues. I want to give us enough time to try and try and try and still have time to potentially adopt if bio child isn’t happening.
I will likely graduate from my program in 2021, when I am 30. I will from there be moving on to another institution (most likely) if I am lucky. My career path is not extremely stable- I am a grad student in a humanities field. I do not want to go through pregnancy and childbirth and all that while dealing with bad insurance or other major life changes. I also would like my parents to be able to meet my kids. I didn’t have grandparents growing up and I don’t want that for my kids which is another reason I’d like to be a little younger.
My mom was in her early 30s when she had me (dad is several years younger- by my age, he already had my sister) so I know that 30 isn’t a magical number. It’s just where I’ll happen to be in my life that’s important.
ETA: @sseamom yes, I was left alone for points during my growing up. It was because my parents had to travel for health reasons. My father has had to have major reconstructive surgery on his skull and spine that necessitated being away from home and my mother has had to travel to several different immune doctors (name escapes me) because her health issues have baffled doctors. (I’m just adding those so no one thinks my parents abandoned me or whatever haha). But it is true- I have zero idea how to set rules and boundaries because I never had them.
Because the alternative is coupling it with starting a job where I’d be teaching and researching.
I will be on fellowship during my dissertation phase and will not have to teach. If my dissertation plans continue down the path that I think they’re going to, I won’t even have to do much in the way of external archive research. And what I have to do will hopefully be done by the last year or so of my writing.
For me and H, no matter the time or age or income,we were not ready. But then there was the surprise. Then, I realized for me that there was no natural inclination to be Mom.
But the incredible love and desire to protect took hold. And the “3” became our life. It includes many wonderful and exciting times. I learned to be a mom. I made many mistakes.
I have to admit that the early years are the easiest. That is when they are cute and love M & D to the fullest. When they become teenagers and adults, you realize they nay not be what you dreamed.
The prospect of being a PhD student and the primary breadwinner would scare me on its own. Add a baby into the mix and it would be I would be in serious freakout mode.
One thing I discovered: Other people’s children can be very tiresome. I really didn’t take to any kids when I babysat, etc…but I ended up really really liking my own. : )
I have to admit that the early years are the easiest. That is when they are cute and love M & D to the fullest. When they become teenagers and adults, you realize they nay not be what you dreamed.>>>>>>>>>
My sentiments exactly!
When I was 28 I had an overwhelming physical, biological urge to have a baby. Dh wanted a second one and third one was unplanned. The first two were difficult children in very different ways. Third one was the dream child, the way I envisioned all would be! And weren’t. So, it was an interesting ride.
Adoption is not a sure thing. And it’s a lot more difficult and expensive than it was when I adopted a 2-year-old from China 17 years ago. Adopting via the foster care/child welfare system depends a lot–A LOT–on where you happen to live and, as you know from your friends, usually comes with many heartaches along the way. Domestic private adoption can be very, very expensive and uncertain with more and more prospective adoptive parents chasing a diminishing number of women relinquishing their babies. International adoption has many more restrictions than it did when I adopted and more countries every year decide that they don’t want to export children.
I hate to be so discouraging but “you can always adopt” is not always the case.
First - You do know that it’s okay if you do NOT want children, or never have a child, right?
Ok, second - if you do, in fact, really want children, the fact that you are so concerned and as you say, “terrified” actually tells me you will be a great mother - you already care! Really, so many people have kids and don’t even think about whether or not they’ll be good parents, or care that much.
I won’t lie, raising a child can be unpredictable and you will have days where you feel like you’re just winging it and have no idea what the hell you’re doing. But if you love and nurture your child, and raise him/her to be a compassionate person, and teach them your values, that’s all that’s really required of you.
But I would urge you to have children because it’s what YOU want to do, and not to please anyone else, not even your partner.
romani, here’s something that was helpful to me when I was thinking about ever having a child. The cons were specific and well-known, or at least more specific and well-known than the pros. I knew what I’d be giving up. Money, time, independence, sleep. All of that stuff I was familiar with, and all of that stuff would radically change. I knew that. What I didn’t know was the person I’d be giving it up for, and whether he/she would be worth it. I was trying to compare a set of specifics with a general, a set of knowns with one big unknown. And you don’t know the unknown until you actually meet your baby.
Right now, your possible future baby is an abstraction. For me, at least, once the abstraction became a real person – an individual with a face and a name and a personality and likes/dislikes and adorable little ways – it changed everything. It’s hard to explain, but I hope it makes some sense.
Let me also say this: You are not your parents. Not in any way. The life you’re leading and will lead in the future couldn’t be more different than the life you were born into. Right? If you do decide to have a child, you will be a completely different kind of parent than they were. You will have resources that they didn’t have, not monetary necessarily (but hopefully yes!), but in terms of knowledge and understanding and perceptiveness and sensitivity and openness to learning, you are completely different than they were. When you get stuck, you and Mr. R will be open to reaching out for help. From us. No but seriously, there is so much more support available to parents now than there was 20-25 years ago.
No one ever goes into parenthood knowing what it’s about or how to do it. Seriously. Some have instinct or experience, but when you hold your baby in your arms, everyone is a newbie. All of us have made 1000 mistakes, all of us have had difficult problems to deal with. But I think all of us would say that it was worth it.
@oldmom4896 yes I am, unfortunately, all too well-aware of how difficult it can be. I told the story up-thread about my partner’s former employer (he was a nanny) and how difficult it was for them to adopt and how many children they wanted to adopt but weren’t allowed to.
Adoption is not my fall-back plan as much as it is an alternative. A potentially heartbreaking alternative which is why it is not necessarily my plan “A.”
Reiterating again- I do want children in some abstract sense. It is the idea of being a parent that terrifies me. And no worries, most know I’m too stubborn to do anything to please anyone- including my partner.
We had our child when we were in the early 30s. It had something to do with our late decision to immigrate to this country. Both of us think the baby came too late. (It took us almost 10 years after our marriage before we had our child. You could not get any later than our case.)
This thread makes me wondering when our son and his GF (assuming that they would not break up here) will get married and then have their own kid. I think they are likely slightly older than Romani. The time is ticking but I could not see any sign of them planning to get married yet (but I have not heard of any major conflict or argument between them either so there is still hope but who knows, maybe they just do not want us to know too much.) It will likely be a long wait, and I am definitely well ahead of myself.
I think they will likely have the timing issue as mentioned by Romani also. The best time for them, in term of their schedule, would be last year IMHO - but they just got into the relationship then so it was not possible. (Maybe this “getting married” schedule could be perfect for mom2ck’s S and his GF because they have been in relationship since college years. But this is not the case for DS.)
Do not want to scare you, Romani. Having a baby takes much more work than being in a marriage.
I think that putting a date to it just adds to the pressure and terror. Whenever you have a child it will impact your academic and professional life, and we all figured out how to accommodate it. So if you can decide to wait until you’re no longer so terrified, that gives you an extra 10 years or so in which to get more comfortable with the idea. In other words, it seems like a false choice, you either force yourself to deal with it at age 29, whether you really want to or not, or you can’t do it? Why put yourself in that position, your biological clock won’t be running out for years yet!
Romani, of course none of us (I think) know you face to face, but you come through to us in your writing and you certainly sound like someone who will be an amazing parent who loves your child(ren) with every ounce of your being.
You have some time left to think about it for sure. It’s not a long time but it’s not tomorrow or next month or next year.
I didn’t get the urge to parent until I was in my 40s and it turned out that it was too late to get pregnant. As noted above, I pushed the paper to adopt from China and waited impatiently. But when I got my referral (a little photo totally out of date and virtually no other information besides a birth date) six weeks before I had permission to go to China to adopt, I panicked and I was sure I was making a terrible terrible mistake. That feeling of dread, that I was ruining this poor child’s life to say nothing of mine because I didn’t have the courage to call it off, continued through 20 hours of travel and 3 days in China until the very moment I met my girl. She was absolutely terrified, screaming and crying and kicking but the moment I saw her I fell in love and I knew I could do it. At that moment I felt my life changing like Dorothy landing in Oz, going from dreary sepia to technicolor.
As just about all the parents who responded here have said, being a parent has been the best thing in my life, hands down, no doubt.
Something I didn’t do before having children, and perhaps should have, was to think about what I would do if the unexpected occurred. My husband ended up being unemployed for much of our marriage. That had a huge effect on the entire family. Also, after being a great dad when the kids were young, he began to withdraw emotionally when they were preteens. Again, this had a huge effect. We’re still married so I’m not a single parent, but the financial problems and the emotional withdrawal resulted in me having to take on many more of the parenting and household responsibilities than I had anticipated when I took the plunge into parenthood. OP, it might be a good idea to talk to your husband about him keeping his work skills, whatever they are, current, in case something interferes with you being the breadwinner. And consider who might be part of your and his support system. I’ve been very fortunate; I live close to most members of my family and they have provided much moral and financial assistance. My coworkers are, for the most part, very supportive as well, and my employer has been flexible with my schedule.
FWIW… I know this is not the popular route, but we had D1 while H was finishing his third year of Ph.D. degree, and conceived D2 a couple of months before his oral dissertation. To complicate things, I ended up in the hospital for two nights with bleeding, a week before he was supposed to do his orals, and 10 days before we were supposed to move to another state for him to begin his post-doc. Yea, lousing timing. But we survived. One thing about having a kid while one parent is in grad school is, most of our friends were in grad school and lived below the poverty level like we did. So there were a lot of ‘things’ we realized we didn’t need because other new parents didn’t have them and their babies were fine without them. Since I breastfed, we had no formula costs; I made my own baby food (very easy). I got a lot of baby clothes and supplies (changing table/stroller/bassinet, diapers, etc) at two baby showers and we really learned to do with very little, and it wasn’t hard. I did eventually pick up a part-time day care in our apartment, and sold Discovery Toys part-time. I think at the time our HMO co-pay was like $5 for an office visit, so we really didn’t have much in the way of medical expenses. We were already used to finding entertainment for free (zoo, museums, walks, parks, etc.) so we just started incorporating that stuff that was appropriate for a family. We had D2 while H was halfway through his post-doc, and it was a bit more of a struggle, only because we didn’t have university graduate student housing to live in as we did when he was a Ph.D. student. But at that point, H decided he wasn’t going to go into academics, and so he began interviewing for industry jobs.
Age of having kids was very important to me - my parents were older when they had me, and for many reasons I wanted to have my kids young, when I could be really active with them, as opposed to my parents who were winding down after having had three boys, then a nine-year gap until me. They had no interest in doing some of the things with me that they did with my brothers, and I never wanted to be that parent to my kids, so we started youngish. A lot of people will say you have to wait until you’re financially secure, but as long as you’re on a good trajectory for that, I don’t think it’s necessary if you want to start earlier.
I do think we have a very good support system. My parents would do anything at the drop of a hat for us and I have no doubt that they will be excellent grandparents assuming that health allows. His parents would also do anything for the kid(s), even if we sometimes have a strained relationship. His two brothers, their partners, and us are all extremely close. I live where I grew up and have a very strong network of friends and their parents (who have always treated me like one of their own). This is another reason I’d like to have kids here if possible as I don’t know where the next place will be. Among all the people I listed above, no one lives more than 4 hours away. My post-doc and/or academic positions will likely not be in Michigan.
Mr R’s background is in education and childcare but he isn’t a certified teacher. I think he will continue to do something in childcare even once we have kids. That would kind of be perfect all the way around.
We also own our own house so housing isn’t something I’m worried about until after I graduate. There is plenty of baby room here- so we’re set on that :).
Op,
Actually I did not want to have kids but I felt like it was a social obligation. So I ended up having one. And surprise…it ended up being much better than I thought it would. Which then motives me to have another one. When I am really old and need someone to take care of me, I might be even happier that I ended up having kids.
