You’ve received wonderful advice and my sentiments are reflected in some of them. I wasn’t particularly interested in babies or kids at all. I knew I wanted to have them eventually, but was in no big hurry. DH didn’t want them at all. About age 30, I started getting that urge to have a child…my own nuclear family. I wasn’t scared, but I wasn’t prepared in any way also.
It took a couple years to get pregnant. I had mine at 34 and 37. im still not crazy about other people’s babies or kds…but I’m just head over heels with my own, and so is DH. I have never regretted my decision, even during some of the horrendous teenage years. I have found the grade school years were a favorite, for many reasons. I have several friends who had their children late 30’s into early 40’s. Nothing says you have to have kids in your late 20’s or early 30’s. I agree, there are better times than others, but that still can’t be a set in stone deciding factor. I worked a tough job, many weekends. I also worked FT and went to night school to get my MBA when first born was a toddler. It’s not easy, but doable.
the only way you can compare having an animal to a baby is that you love your animals, right? but not your friends animals…same thing in a way, but much more visceral with a child.
You will know when you are ready. How? Because you will feel like you couldn’t care less about the other stuff going on in your life…that need for a baby all of a sudden becomes your focal point for whatever reason. It could be as cliche as…I better do this, I’m knocking on year 40.
I think you are on the right track! Please just relax and enjoy your freedom right now and quit worrying so much. We were married 9 years before our first was born and we had a blast.
I think all our relatives and friends were convinced we had fertility problems. We didn’t. What made us wait was the feeling that we weren’t grown up enough to be parents.
Having a child is a leap into the unknown. It can be difficult to make that leap. It was particularly difficult for my husband and me because we had no family support system – everyone lived too far away, and most were too old to be of any help even if they had lived in the same town.
I never felt the urgent need for a first baby. My husband and I decided to try for one simply because I was almost 30 and, well, it was time.
But I definitely felt the urgent need for a second one after having had the first. I wanted that experience again, and I wanted a second child in our lives.
I guess that’s the proof that the first decision wasn’t a mistake.
One thing to caution since you mentioned it. Right now you have no idea how much you are going to love that baby. And sometimes it takes some time to develop that bond. Time spent with that baby. I hope she never reads this, but my sil had a baby when she started medical residency. She took off 6 weeks then headlong into 100 hour weeks. For years. She was married. She always joked before she had the baby she’d just give it to her mom to raise. Which she sort of did. She’d pop in and see the baby, but I saw with my own two eyes the bond just wasn’t there all that strong. She felt guilty all the time. So she had another baby quickly as a companion. She never put those kids first and believed in their very early years she wouldnt be inconvenienced while pursuing her medical career. Those kids are a mess. At 20 one is living with a boyfriend in a trailer, the 18 yo just moved in with grandma after her live in boyfriend beat her half to death. This is a family where 3 generations of women had masters degrees at a minimum.
Don’t pick your most hectic time. Any baby deserves the best from its mom. I’m not saying not working, but an all encompassing time in your life is not ideal. And say what you will, babies want mommy.
There’s nothing wrong with not seeing yourself as a mother, or wanting to particularly be one. (And I differentiate between wanting to be a mom, and simply wanting a baby) Far better to wait, or forego it entirely, than to cave to social pressure at an arbitrary time. “I want a baby” needs to also be “I want a teenager, I want a lifetime commitment that I can’t shirk” We have several married/partnered friends who have no children, by choice, and are happy with that.
For me, no, I was never scared, or worried. We would have had 4 or 5 if we had been able to do that; the two we have been blessed with have not always been a picnic, and we are far from perfect parents. But still, I would do it again in a heartbeat, with no reservations. There is no perfect time to have a baby, btw.
I have no way to know what happened in this family, but I don’t believe a child needs to be the mother’s primary focus to turn out okay. It is best there be loving, consistent care. In some cultures this will be the grandparents and it seems to work out just fine, especially if those grandparents have been really longing for that baby. I have reached a life stage where it looks like grandparents doing childrearing is almost the norm. Those kids all are better than fine. Grandparents have a whole lot going for them in terms of experience, though they may need help with the tasks that require physical strength and stamina. That said, I am not encouraging having babies for grandparents to raise. It is something really on my mind at present.
I also want to fully give you a thumbs up for considering adoption - I have three children naturally but always was interested in adopting and would do it (and sort of wish we had) in a heartbeat.
I just can’t imagine life for me without parenting. It’s not a matter of how easy or how hard it is or how much time it takes or how your life changes for me - it’s just about quality LIFE. Such an added dimension to your life from pregnancy, child raising to when they are adults and become part of your world in another way. Picture yourself at each decade and how you want to be spending your time - when you get to that fifth decade - 50’s- do you want more from your life than you, your spouse, a pet and work? The same thing you have had for the past 3 decades?? Maybe the answer is yes. Maybe not. Looking ahead to other stages of life, you just don’t know what family/friends will be able to still walk it with you. Children - even adult children add dimension.
I apologize for the harsh posts. It is unnecessary to the discussion.
In my youth the medical profession was still blaming and shaming so-called refrigerator mothers.
In the future, if my son and his husband have children, there will be no mother.
If Romani’s partner is primary caregiver to their children, I don’t believe those children will be disadvantaged in any way.
Mothers are important, but they aren’t indispensable (much as I would like to have believed it at times) or the cause of all the world’s problems. imho. However, that really wasn’t what you were saying and I am sorry.
I probably should have been terrified. So kudos to you for really thinking it through!
As long as you understand that the time involved will seriously impede your dissertation, then I’d say you are fine. No one is ready when they hand you the kid and send you home the first time. If a dummy like me can figure it out, you’ll be fine:). Ps. I was 31, so the age is a good one too;)
Romani, just in case nature doesn’t take its course as quickly as you would like, and you wind up living far from your family when you get pregnant, my bet is that you will find your village wherever you are. When I decided to adopt, I networked like crazy among others with young children or with children on the way, whether by birth or adoption, and they became my support system by and large. Once I came home with my daughter, it was like I joined this invisible club and casual acquaintances became lifelong friends.On the other hand, several people I expected to lean on had a hard time that my focus had shifted so much once I became a mom.
You and your husband will muddle through wherever you are.
Terrified? No…Unsure? Yes. Neither my H or I had any experience with kids (both the youngest, no babysitting etc in background). I wasn’t sure what I was getting into. But I have to say…I love being a mom. Raising my kids has been an amazing experience. Jumping into the unknown was absolutely worth it.
I always figured I’d have kids eventually, but had never liked babysitting much or babies. I did enjoy working with toddlers as part of a volunteer thing I did in 9th and 10th grade. Put it off, put it off and then at 32 my brother and cousin had a baby. I came home and told my husband it was time. My hormones and my emotions all lined up. I was suddenly so ready. DH was terrified, but actually he was a more doting parent than me in the end. And barring medical conditions like postpartum depression you will fall in love with your kids.
And you don’t have to be the world’s best parent. It’s okay to be a good enough one.
I wasn’t terrified at all. Until I was pregnant! D1 was born just days after my husband finished grad school and weeks before we moved across the country. This was our carefully planned timing. It seemed silly the moment I found out I was pregnant. It was a crazy, stressful year! We were terribly unprepared for the basics of taking care of an infant. Children do certainly complicate life and challenge you in ways you can’t predict. Little humans are unpredictable, with their own wills and personalities and strengths and weaknesses. We wouldn’t trade our three for anything.
It’s true. Parenting has few rules. Common sense and love are the starting point. And keeping the goal clearly in mind–raising a future adult, with a chance at life, and joy. The outcome at some point becomes out of your control. It’s scary. Terrifying, even. No harm in admitting that.
I’m one who has enjoyed my kids more and more as they have gotten older. I was a stay-at-home mom and found it exhausting. I was glad when they were old enough to start school and those tears on the first day of kindergarten just didn’t happen for me. I love having teenagers, even as the terror of watching them begin to bear the responsibility of their own decisions increases.
It has been hugely helpful to have others in our lives at different stages of parenting. We’ve had the best advice and encouragement from those who have kids 10 years ahead of ours. Nothing we’ve encountered has shocked them, as they’ve seen it all before, and they could really help us keep the various stages of our kids’ development in perspective and give helpful advice.
Not having had a great parenting example (for whatever reasons) doesn’t need to define your own parenting. DH comes from a very disfunctional background and has been a great dad. He’s had to unlearn some things, and seek out mentors, but that love and common sense, and keeping the goal in mind goes a long way toward overcoming the lack of a good example.
A child needs to be somebody’s primary focus – but that somebody doesn’t have to be the mother.
And by “primary focus,” I don’t mean full-time caregiver necessarily. I mean someone whose top priority is keeping up with what’s going on with the child. This is the person who knows who the kid’s friends are, how he’s doing in math, whether he needs new sneakers, whether he’s using his asthma medicines properly, and all the other details that go into ensuring a child’s welfare. If there isn’t one person who is primarily responsible for this, a lot of things can fall between the cracks.
I was completely uninterested in having a baby. I had a great career, had never babysat anyone, and had a wonderful yuppie life in the city. DH and I just kept saying, “Two more years!,” year after year after year, until finally I turned 35. Then, I realized I couldn’t imagine not having a child. But truthfully, it was as if I held my nose and dove off a high cliff. I had no idea what to expect and no idea how to handle a baby.
Now that I have two wonderful children (ages 31 and 26), I can’t imaging life without them. They have given me as much as I’ve given them.
Romani, I think being married is harder than raising kids fwiw. Marriage is compromise. With kids the relationship is much clearer. You are in charge, then gradually give the child control. That sounds harsh: you love your child and learn to know him and it isn’t an adversarial relationship—not until he is a teenager anyway. Just mho.
I never babysat or was around kids much, but knew I wanted a family. I didn’t realize how much until I had my first. I was absolutely gobsmacked! Madly in love. Obsessed. It was hard, harder than anyone could have told me, but so fulfilling. I had a wonderful childhood and mother, so I could call on those memories, but there were still things I wanted to do differently and so did. I wish I had more children. My H is an only child and was afraid of the chaos of children. He was ready to have more once these two were school aged, he saw that eventually kids were more reasonable and predictable, but by then I was too old. He wouldn’t adopt.
You don’t have to have children, of course. I think your fears are reasonable. You are being realistic about what child rearing involves and are seeing your limitations. None of us comes into it ready, though. There are always surprises. That you are thinking about it now is a good sign.
I also think it is a good sign that you were able to manage yourself growing up when your parents were absent. I think you have a good set of instincts. You are smart and someone who wants to learn, too.
I used to take my baby brother on babysitting gigs. He’d do all the actual interaction with the little rugrats, and I’d get all the money except for a small cut for him. My husband is a high school teacher, when I meet people through him they ask if I teach too. Lord, no! My mom’s favorite passive-aggressive joke when my kids were young was that everyone was amazed I didn’t eat my own young. Haha. Funny mom.
That being said, I love being a mom. I call it the world’s most interesting science experiment. That also being said, the little brother mentioned above decided with his wife to not have kids. Ditto for one of my best friends who is a Head Start teacher. This is an immensely personal decision and no one can determine if it’s right for you.
I do want to respond to eyemamom’s post. Even though it wasn’t my mom, and I don’t know her sil, I feel a little defensive.
I was an oops baby. Like oops in the fact that there were very serious discussions about whether or not to abort. But they decided to keep me and my mom was back to work a week after I was born. No paid maternity leave in this country. I was with my neighbor and grandparents much more than my parents until I was toddler. My parents had both just gotten out of bad divorces and were working multiple jobs to keep afloat.
Things got better but there was never a point where my parents weren’t working multiple jobs. Then there was the accident and all that. I did grow up in childcare and my care provider is in most of my childhood memories. I’m still close with her.
It touched a nerve. It also leaves me wondering where dad was and why he doesn’t get blame. Being raised by grandparents is actually quite common in many cultures. Our obsession with the nuclear family is pretty unique actually.
I know kids in one family whose mom passed away when they were little (10 and under) and their dad was very hands off (travelled a lot on business, etc), and they turned out wonderfully. They are loving, independent and resilient. Would you wish that scenario on anyone? No. But my point is, you cannot predict how kids will turn out. Turns out being a helicopter parent is not great either.
That said, being a parent is wonderful, and from what I know of you, Romani, you would be a great parent! Just do your best…Have fun with your child/children (this weekend I happened to be at a park and saw some young parents with their kids running around, feeding the ducks, etc…it was adorable!), show them respect, expect respect back, read aloud to them when possible, do not fall into the trap of feeling like you have to get them the latest toys or clothes (I can’t imagine you would), limit computer and tv time by making the most of outdoor time and let them help you around the house…kids love being helpful and being a productive member of the family!!
Have FEW rules and stick to them! Say yes often and no sparingly. I believe kids respect working parents and appreciate and learn from seeing their work ethic. If your parents live nearby, let them have the privilege of helping out by taking them one afternoon a week, for example.
You don’t have to be perfect (who is?) Just be loving and don’t forget the laughter. We all make mistakes and lose out temper, but we have to forgive ourselves and ask for forgiveness when necessary.
I don’t think there’s a “perfect” time to have a baby…something will always come up or be less than ideal. so make the best of what you have…Being a parent is AWESOME!
