Were any parents on here terrified to have children?

Parent Cafe
81

Agree that “the right time” is when YOU and your spouse are ready to share your lives forever with a new person that will start as a baby but be part of your lives forever. The best laid plans don’t really come out quite as expected, so don’t overplan. Yes, there are many LOGICAL reasons why having a baby during a particular time window is better than another, but mostly, it’s how YOU and Mr. R FEEL.

There are no guarantees for any of us in life, but most of us are VERY sure that you and Mr. R will make awesome parents from all you’ve posted and shared with us. The folks who are the most concerned and afraid are those who have a better idea of the hard work that being a parent is before they dive into it, just like some of the best workers and teachers are those who are concerned about how they could do their jobs better.

82

My mother had me when she was 18. I am the reason she and my father got married. They have also never had a happy marriage. Yet - they were both good parents, imo. Especially my mother.

Up until I was in first grade, I lived off and on with my grandparents. My parents had not finished high school, and worked whatever jobs they could, often at odd hours, to make ends meet. They could not afford a sitter. So I stayed with my grandmother, who lived an hour away, in a rural area, while my parents had a tiny apartment in town.

My earliest memories are of being with her, my grandfather, uncle, and my cousins and aunt and uncle who lived next door to them.

I had an idyllic childhood because of that immense family support network behind my mother and me.

I finally lived with my parents full-time when I entered all-day school at first grade, and my mom finally found an affordable sitter, a reliable neighbor, to watch my two younger siblings. My Mom still worked full-time, and often second shift.

When my brother and sister went to school, we became latch-key kids. I learned to cook simple meals before I was 12, and take care of my younger siblings…

Despite my parents’ hectic work weeks, my mother rarely missed any of our school events, plays, concerts. I remember her taking time off to go to a few of my school events. She constantly drove us around to after-school clubs and sports. And we continued to visit my grandparents and extended family at least once a month throughout my childhood.

So, my parents’ own situation was less than ideal. They were high-school dropouts, broke, worked crazy hours… When we did live all together as a family, it was in a low-income area that wasn’t that safe and did not have great schools. …
My mother told me recently that relatives criticized them for raising us in the neighborhood they did, and said we would never amount to much because of it.

Yet - we all three turned out fine. We have had relatively happy,stable lives, have had good jobs/careers, have families of our own now.
We all three attended and graduated from college. We are the only kids in the entire extended family that did.

There is no ideal time or situation for having children - but what is essential, I believe, is a good, strong support network, whether it’s just the other parent or grandparents, too…

83

Many parents do have to work. In that respect, it really does “take a village.” Medical residency did include huge demands on time and energy. It’s changed a bit. But the doctor mom noted seems to have missed many of her chances to bond, over a number of early years. (And it’s also ensuring our kids feel the bonds, not just what we specifically do with them.)

And residency back then that can’t be compared to writing a dissertation, which isn’t ongoing 20 hour days. Romani, I have no doubt that you, when the time comes, whenever that is, will raise wonderful children who feel loved and empowered. It has to do with who you are and how you care.

Truth is, many of us job-shared, so to say, in raising our kids- and not just with the partner. So many examples of kids who grew up grounded, even if they didn’t have a SAHP. we made sure they felt loved, guided and that we had their backs.

84

It really does mean quite a lot that you guys have so much faith in me. :slight_smile:

85

The top two crappiest moms I know are 1. Gynecologist, married to an ER doc, and 2. chick who got knocked up in HS.

Kids know when you don’t give a crap about them, regardless of your IQ or your education.

86

Absolutely, MOD.
I knew I had the unconditional love and affection of my parents at all times, even if they worked 70+ hour weeks.
I also know people who had SAHPs who felt neglected and unloved.

87

It is different for everyone. We married young (23) and waited 10 years to get pregnant. That was a choice. I knew that we would not be living near a family support system and we wanted to make sure we were able to afford good childcare. In our case, I have never regretted waiting. We became empty nesters at 57 and feel we are still young!

I don’t remember being scared to have kids, but growing up I was totally disinterested in them. I hated babysitting.

Do what feels right to you, romani. It will all work out.

88

I didn’t get into details, but clearly people are getting in a tizzy so I’ll clarify. It was meant more to say, don’t have a baby in the busiest school time of your life when there are no options. Yes, sil was literally gone all the time, dad is a real a hole who also put himself and his leisure first. Grandma pitched in when she could, she didn’t raise the kids. Like someone said up thread, these kids were nobody’s primary responsibility. No one knew when things weren’t going well, who the friends were, was homework being done. Consistency is so important to kids. If dad had one set of rules, mom has none and grandma just wants to love them like a grandma, it’s no wonder.

Kids want to be the apple of somebody’s eye, know what to expect and know who will be picking them up from daycare every day.

If you are at a time when you have any enormous other situation that requires all your time and enerfy, then wait. Kids take time.

89

I don’t think there will ever be a point in my reproductive life where I’m not in full-blown go. That’s why I chose a non-career-driven partner.

90

I’ve been hesitating to post, because this is such a personal thing, but I wanted to add my voice to the chorus of those who think you’d be a great mom, romani, in whichever form that comes. You have a self-awareness that means that you will be thoughtful about how you parent, and that’s about all anyone can ask. :heart:

91

My personal opinion is that sometimes the “mommy hormones” kick in and THEN you want kids.
My H and I when we married were totally ambivalent about kids–take 'em (if we had to) or leave 'em. And I was much more inclined to leave 'em. We were married 10 years before changing that tune (much to grandparents dismay) before we had our first. So older than you are planning on at this point.

And yes, even though I wanted a kid by then–it was still scary. “My life is gonna change!”, “I don’t know ANYTHING about kids!”, “I’m not sure I even LIKE kids!” All of that was true.

As it turned out (just like everyone around me said)–babies are not as fragile as they look. Both of you will learn. It’ll be fine.

After first kid–we had number two (the first was really quite fun!) but I couldn’t imagine how I could love another kid as much I loved my first. And I worried about that too.

A wise mom told me “the love only expands–there’s plenty to go around…”

92

My friend got a puppy thinking it would help her decide if kids were gonna work for her–she wanted to take it back after ONE night at home! (3 kids and 2 dogs later I guess it worked out!)

93

Easier in some ways, not in others.

The more kids you have, the more kid-related events there are that can interfere with parents’ work responsibilities. They get sick on different days. They have different doctor and dentist and eye doctor appointments and extracurricular activities and summer schedules. As I learned in the first week of my second child’s life, when my older child fell and skinned his knee just as we were about to leave for the baby’s medical checkup, you can’t even consistently meet two kids’ needs (and keep the blood off the car seats) at the same time, let alone meet the needs of two or more kids plus your employer.

Some of the most career-oriented parents I know have only one child. I don’t know whether they had only one child because they were so focused on their careers or whether they were able to be that focused on their careers because they had only one child, but there does seem to be a relationship.

Again, it depends. For me, the sleep deprivation of the first years was far more challenging than anything that came later. If you told me that I had to care for school-age kids or teenagers again, I would be fine with it. If you told me that I had to cope with a 3-year-old and an infant again, I would be horrified.

94

I’ll add a mildly dissenting voice. If you decide you want to have a kid, by all means, go ahead. But I’m mystified by the chorus of “It’ll be fine!” Things aren’t always fine, and I’d say the odds of things not being fine go up a lot if you’re ambivalent about parenthood. There are lots of parents who shouldn’t have had kids. Many of them are wonderful people I like very much, but they shouldn’t have had kids that they didn’t really want.

I wasn’t 100% certain about not having kids. Maybe I would have turned out super happy to be a mother. But I always have been 100% certain that I shouldn’t bet someone else’s life on the possibility that I’ll be glad about it once I jump. It was a really easy call when I thought about it that way.

95

I don’t see how anyone can tell you that you would be a great mother! We are strangers on the Internet. Geez. People can have serious issues and struggles that are not revealed at all by his or her online persona, as was recently confirmed right here on CC.

96

Just to clarify, I was not asking whether or not I’d be a good parent. I just wanted to know if others were scared.

97

"I don’t think there will ever be a point in my reproductive life where I’m not in full-blown go. "

This may or may not hold true. Kids may or may not change this. ANYTHING may or may not change this. Full-blown go would = fully committed? You might find yourself “full blown go” with other things in your life as time moves on.

98

Sorry… What I meant was that if I wait until there is a “right” time then it might never happen. :slight_smile:

99

We had kids when DW was a graduate student. It was perfect. She didn’t have to interrupt a career to go on the mommy track.

Was I scared to have kids? Yes. I knew it would be life changing.

Did that affect our decision? No, DW said it was time and she was the one with the ticking clock. I subscribe to the “happy wife happy life” mantra.

Any regrets? None. We have two great kids who are now out of the house, and mom is still hot!

They didn’t come with instructions, so our kids learned early that mom and dad were far from perfect.

100

The good news is that pretty much anything short of outright abuse and neglect works just fine for raising kids. You can see it in the spank/no-spank, helicopter/free-range, sports/chess debates. Raising a decent kid is more work but less complicated than we think it will be.

My parents had two kids during dad’s undergrad days at Berkeley, one more just before grad school. We had our first before magwife started on her masters, second the day after graduation. You scrimp, find good daycare, and make it work.

I’m all for romani having a biological kid. From what we know - highly verbal, introspective, empathetic - no reason to think she won’t be one of the best moms around.