@abasket, when I was 28 and in the throes of baby lust, the farthest thing from my mind was what my children would be like as adults or even being able to imagine them that old…or myself that old! Did you really consider this? Or are you just sharing this thought from the perspective of knowing that now?
Just as a side note, I absolutely know that not having kids is an option. My sister is almost 30 and has ZERO interest in kids. I really, really do not see that changing any time… ever. She admits she is too selfish for them. Everyone is fine with that (at least, everyone in our family- I’m not sure what it’s like outside of us).
However, I do think I will regret it if I don’t have children. Not because of outside pressure but because I do think I want them, it’s just that I think I’ll never be “ready.”
My kids are in their twenties. I still don’t feel “ready” to be a parent. Neither does my husband. If we had waited until we were “ready,” we would have missed out on having our children.
Sometimes, you just have to take a plunge into the unknown.
Remember that throughout history, people generally didn’t become parents because they specifically wanted to be parents. They became parents because they found partners and had sex. And without contraception, that tended to result in babies.
People are still finding partners. People are still having sex. But now we can uncouple these things from having babies. That may actually make life more difficult.
I’m starting to agree 
@VaBluebird , I don’t know that I thought that way THEN, but yes, I see this now in some friends who chose not to have kids but now find themselves really alone because their parents have died. One is an only child so very little family of her own. I have more than one friend in this situation. While you might not think about this at 28, yes, I think it’s ok to make that a point to someone AT 28 (or whatever).
You don’t need to give yourself a deadline. 30 is still very young to be a parent for someone who has a grad degree. My two kids were just married at age 31. When you are ready and I think you will know it when you do, it becomes less scary.
I wanted to add that my mother in the early 60s did not have any baby classes to go to. The nurses did no education at all in the hospital. She was sent home with a baby and no idea what she was supposed to feed it. Luckily, a friend came over who had an older sister and helped mom figure it out.
I think I was terrified when I was in my mid-twenties, and I thought I’d never want them. I know my husband was very reluctant. But by 30, I was nervous, but eager.
It sounds like you have a couple ( a few?) of years before you hit your desired timing. Young people change a lot in their twenties. You seem like a very mature person already, but I know that we all have our strengths and weaknesses in that way. Let this percolate without feeling you need to commit one way or the other, because it sounds like you have time.
What seemed scary to me early on is that I knew having a child would absolutely change my life and even change who I was as a person. Who wouldn’t be apprehensive about that? I was right, it did change who I was, but all for the better. Parenting made me a more compassionate, loving and giving person. It also gave me a stake in the world, where I care deeply about a kind and livable world for all of our children.
If I were considering parenting today, I would have different concerns. Due to technology, our world is changing at such an incredibly rapid pace; faster than our biology is wired to keep up. Technology has also given us a global consciousness, making all all the world’s problems our problems. Meanwhile, our planet’s environment is being degraded immeasurably with little hope of restoration without some significant change in the political will of the the powers that be. How do we prepare our young for this new landscape? How do we instill a sense of hope?
My own 30 year old, newly engaged, is wrestling with the question of kids as well. I’m sorry if I got “off topic” a bit here, but there are many reasons to consider child bearing thoughtfully, with our eyes wide open. I’d say being a bit terrified is a fairly rational emotion, all things considered.
Have to agree with the others here, though, romani. I think you’d be a wonderful parent.
My husband and I didn’t want children when we got married. We babysat my breastfed nephew while we were dating, and it scared both of us off. Just an aside, that nephew now has four children, also all breastfed, so there! As husband approached 30, a couple of years before me, he gave me an ultimatum, kids or divorce. Terrified, I agreed, but the first pregnancy ended in miscarriage. My son came as a surprise, as he appeared nine months after my dad died suddenly of a heart attack. I always believe Daddy sent him down from Heaven to me. H and I still wonder how our son survived the first night. We had no idea what we were doing. Thank God for my mother-in-law, who moved in with me for two months the following day. We stopped at one, as I got very ill after son’s birth, another reason MIL moved in, though H wanted to have four. I am hoping that one day I will be a grandmother and can do half the job my wonderful MIL did with my son.
There’s a wildcard here. If you think you may have fertility issues, you can start that convo with your doc now, about how much time you have, how age and your own situation affect this. In case you’re going to a women’s clinic and he/she./they don’t have much time to talk, it may be time to find one who does.
I remember being your age. I was not afraid of being a parent. Nope. But I was afraid of getting pregnant unexpectedly. Even after finding DH. Other posters have, lots of women have. It can work out, but that’s what scared me.
But if you are also wondering about your chances, some input from a doc may help frame your choices and ideas abut timeline.
And also, not only will R be a fine bio parent, she will also be a fine adoptive parent. Many of us can talk about that, too. It’s different than foster.
That’s a good point, LF. Honestly, I was told at a fairly young age that fertility would be an issue and I’ve kind of avoided the topic since because it’s always been a bit scary to think that I couldn’t have kid if I wanted.
And heck, that was now 10+ years ago and technology has improved leaps and bounds even in that short period.
I do happen to have access to one of the best health care systems in the world just a few blocks away from where I sit now… and I know way too many people who work in women’s health there. Maybe I should finally take advantage of that 
It took me well over a year to get pregnant with ds1 so it’s something to think about. And because of our experience with ds1, we started trying early with ds2, expecting a repeat Nope, pregnant first month of trying. You just never know what’s going to happen.
Yes, you should check things like whether you still have measles immunity. (If you don’t have the vaccine at least 3 months before you have unprotected intercourse or whatever the recommended time is now.) Since your H is around young kids, this is important.
I’d also recommend getting disability insurance. You can get it with a high deductible. Since you’re young it will probably be cheap. Since you plan to be the primary breadwinner, you should have it, “just in case.”
I’ll be totally honest. I was terrified. DW pushed for kids, and I reluctantly agreed.
Flash forward 20 years. I’ve been a pretty good parent, I think, and my D and I have a much better relationship than she and her mom do. I’m the one who took her to sports, coached her kid-league softball for two summers, taught to swim, bike, drive. We read every day, etc. And now she’s at Harvard.
Point of that story, a reluctant parent can still come around and do all the right stuff. (It helps that she’s a naturally good kid.)
Downside. I think becoming parents killed our marriage somehow. From what I wrote above you might think jealousy, but that wasn’t it. I think we just lost track and neglected each other. And I wonder if THAT’S what my initial reluctance was warning me about.
Just thought you should hear all sides.
YMMV
I didn’t think I wanted kids, but I had a scare at age 28 where I thought I might be pregnant. To my surprise, I was disappointed when it turned out I wasn’t! So we started trying and my son was born on my 30th birthday.
Yes, I was terrified. My mom had kept almost 90 foster babies, so she came from Texas to stay with us for six weeks! Thank God. She taught me everything I needed to know about the care of babies.
Sometimes I wonder what I would have done if I’d had a crystal ball and known that my oldest would be diagnosed with schizophrenia. I probably wouldn’t have had kids, to be honest. 
I was petrified! My husband and I married young. We were always uncertain about having children–my husband grew up in a very abusive home, I was just uncertain. We then both went into a mental health field involving children, and after hearing lots of birth and developmental histories of kids with disabilities and what parents were going through every single day, we were even more uncertain. Well, fifteen years into marriage (I was 35), and one month after my husband’s dissertation defense, we had a very fun and impulsive night, and well the rest is history. I can’t imagine my life without my daughter in it and I am so glad that I had the opportunity to raise her.
You never know what you are going to get, in terms of pregnancy or your child. But that won’t prevent you from making whatever accommodations are needed, wherever you are in your career or life. I thought I knew what it was like to be a parent from working in child care, a preschool and in a group home with emotionally impaired children before I went to graduate school. It wasn’t until I had my own child that I realized it was something very different. And as a professional who still works with parents and kids, I think being a parent makes me better at my job too. (I couldn’t have done it while I was working on my dissertation though).
My sister had two miscarriages and two stillbirths, yet today, she has four living children. She had twin girls when her second son was in middle school, the oldest was in high school. She was in her early forties. And she’s always been the primary breadwinner of the family. Like my parents’ twins, my sister’s twins came from one of those fun impulsive nights. But, all is well. Those girls are amazing young ladies, and I couldn’t be happier that they are part of our lives.
I don’t think you’ll ever be sure you are ready. And there will never be a perfect time. I do think if you are interested in having biological kids (and I know that I was surprisingly interested in that) sooner is better than later. I knew an awful lot of women who waited until their mid-thirties and then weren’t able to conceive easily.
If you want to read an amusing little essay somewhere in one of Perri Klass’s books is her explanation of why smack in the middle of med school was as good a time as any to have kids. I think it was in this book: http://www.amazon.com/Not-Entirely-Benign-Procedure-Medical/dp/0452272580
Thanks, mathmom, I’ll check that out.
As of today, this is a decision that I can put off for at least another 3 years. So that’s at least one stress issue down…
Thank you all again. Your insights have made me feel so much better. I guess most people are just afraid to publicly say that they’re nervous or scared. It seems the only socially acceptable emotion is excitement with maybe a little nervousness.
If you don’t feel like you’re ready, then don’t worry about it. I didn’t really think about wanting / having kids, until the point where it hit me that I wanted to, and then that was the right time. If it never hits, then so be it - there are worse things in life than not having kids. The heck with what other people think.
On the few occasions where I did care for or babysit someone else’s kids, it didn’t really make me think “oh, wow, I’ve got to do this for myself.” Other people’s kids don’t do a lot for me. I distinctly remember being pregnant and holding the 8 month old baby of a friend of mine and thinking - oh god, what have I gotten into? But your own kids are entirely different. I still have very little interest in babies / small children in the abstract – only the few that I truly care about, like my own, my nieces / nephew, etc.