@Pizzagirl " I distinctly remember being pregnant and holding the 8 month old baby of a friend of mine and thinking - oh god, what have I gotten into?"
I had the exact same thing happen to me! There’s even a picture of me holding this kid and the look on my face is sheer panic, lol. Deer in the headlights. I could not wait to hand that kid back to his mom.
I had not the slightest interest in either marriage or having kids until my mid-30s. I was focused on my career and was perfectly happy being single. I was surprised when the desire for both came along; by then I’d assumed I was just going to be single forever. It seems the biological clock began ticking rather loudly for me. I married at 36, and my daughter was born when I was just shy of 40. By then I really wanted a child so I wasn’t scared.
However, as any parent will tell you, there are plenty of things that will scare the heck out of you as the child grows up!
I believe in waiting until you feel ready.
it didnt scare me to think about having kids when we started back in the 90s. What scared me was the actual taking care of my first kid. I had no clue what to do. It’s all consuming those first weeks with your first. The overwhelming love you feel is scary too. :x
my single sis can not have children. I always thought i’d carry one for her if she wanted, but it never came to that. I think she would have liked to have kids; but sometimes i look at her somewhat glamorous life and know, absolutely, that people can be happy and lead very fullfilling lives without children.
It’s so funny to hear from parents about coolness toward other people’s children…I’m exactly the opposite. My husband and I LOVE other people’s babies and kids (well, not every individual, but you get the point). We are super involved with our nieces and nephews, we babysit, etc. We think it’s great to play with them and then give them back! And of course I make my living spending all day guiding/advising other people’s kids.
From the time I was young I thought about the time I’d have my own kids, what I would do, how I would approach parenthood. But later I was caught in ambivalence due to the Zero Population growth ethic of the early environmental movement. My ex and I talked, just one, maybe two. The second was twins, and I have always felt so grateful for that twist of fate that gave me three.
I knew what to do. During nursing school I was thrilled that I was getting such an education in how to be a parent. I was involved in the home birth movement. I worked newborn nursery while in nursing school, back in the days when we took the babies away at night so moms could sleep. I got to hold them, rock and feed.
But scared? You bet! Scared of the loss of my freewheeling interesting life, scared of the loss of my precious day to day freedom, scared of the grinding, never ending responsibility. Scared of my ability to do the job well and support those kids in a higher style than some of the divorce induced poverty in which I was raised. Scared of a disabled kid, scared of the stress of kids on a relationship. A few years ago, I looked at myself, and realized, I survived.
Not everyone needs to have kids. The world is filled with people of all ages who need love and care, and we don’t have to birth our own to find meaning and love. However, parenting is an amazing crucible that makes you stronger, leads to understanding, and embodies the human experience. There are things that the childless just don’t get, that I am thrilled to have experienced.
I was never a playing with dolls kid, and I didn’t particularly even like to babysit. My ex and I started dating at 20, and we were both kind of ambivalent about having kids. But soon after we got married, at 25, we thought I might have been pregnant, and he especially was kind of disappointed I wasn’t. I was nervous about money, about what would happen if babies weren’t “perfect,” and all kinds of things. My mom was 15 when she had me, and she was not a great role model by any stretch. We eventually had two kids together, and even though we got divorced, I’ve never been sorry about having kids. And my mom was a much better grandmother than she was a mother. Our relationship improved after I had kids.
I was quite worried about parenthood, afraid of having kids in general and bringing helpless creatures into a dangerous world, afraid about my being overwhelmed and unable to parent, and terrified of having teenagers. Actually before we had kids I told my husband that he would be in charge when the kids turned 12, since he had taught high school for a number of years.
It hasn’t been a walk in the park but the joys have far outweighed the sorrows. There’s no way we can imagine life without them. And we’re very grateful that the kids have turned out all right. in fact when they were 8 and 10 years old a 22 year cousin of mine spent a few days with us and told us later that after getting to know them she realized that having kids would be all right after all since ours were nice and not brats like so many she had met before.
That is one thing I do have in my favor… I am not afraid of the world. I do not think the world is a dangerous place. I refuse to let potential kids be raised in fear.
I was the only one who was aloud to ride my bike by myself and never really had the “stranger danger” beaten into my brain. I’m grateful for that.
I didn’t fully catch the fertility factor for you Romani. Please do seriously consider visiting one of those “excellent” docs in your area and getting some more info on your situation and options these days. Have all the facts in your back pocket to just be aware of - for whatever you decide in the future. Think of it as a preventative medicine.
abasket, I’m going to. Probably not for a few months but I will. I’d like to go with Mr R if possible and right now our schedules don’t make that possible.
Also, excuse my typo in 127. Allowed not aloud. 
I had some “female issues” that involved taking some hormones for some months and two laparoscopic surgeries. The OB/GYN told us when I got married that we had to have our kids within a year after the marriage–it was then or never due to fertility issues. S was conceived as soon as we were told we could try to get pregnant. The doc was actually shocked. We were fine about having kids until H panicked when I was 9 months pregnant and said, “I’m not ready, we haven’t set up the crib, there’s so much to do!” He calmed down and S was born. D followed soon after.
The Ob/Gyn later confided that he was shocked that I got pregnant so easily, as he wasn’t sure I’d be able to conceive naturally at all, considering all he had to do. I was pretty irked with him, as he never let us know any of his doubts until we noticed his surprise & elation after we informed him that I was pregnant, both times. I have since found a new OB/GYN.