<p>The way I heard it was that the lion will lie down with the lamb but that the lamb will not get much sleep.</p>
<p>It’s all in the genes…</p>
<p><a href=“http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/10/health/10gene.html?_r=1&adxnnl=1&oref=slogin&adxnnlx=1176214197-GjET2EusvsDBM6ccY9xy3w[/url]”>http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/10/health/10gene.html?_r=1&adxnnl=1&oref=slogin&adxnnlx=1176214197-GjET2EusvsDBM6ccY9xy3w</a></p>
<p>Indecisiveness?</p>
<p>I suggest that anyone having a sexual identity crisis rent a DVD of “9 1/2 Weeks.” While watching it, if you find yourself watching Kim Basinger and envying Mickey Rourke, you like women. If you find yourself watching Mickey Rourke and envying Kim Basinger, you like men. If you watch and envy both of them, you’re bi.</p>
<p>Strange choice, TG. Don’t think Kim was to be envied in that movie in any way.</p>
<p>I have some questions about bisexuality that maybe some posters can answer. I feel quite differently about it than I do about homosexuality, because to me it seems like bisexuality could easily involve a life of misunderstanding, hurt and betrayal. Example: Jane is serious about her boyfriend John, then decides she is bisexual and breaks up with him for girlfriend Liz. But the situation with Liz is not stable because there is always Jane’s attraction for guys. How does Jane attain a stable family life, which is what most people, eventually, want? And how does she cope with family and friends who would feel much more comfortable if she was firmly in one slot or the other?</p>
<p>I guess what I’m saying is that I would have no problem if one of my kids was gay. I would accept that as their identity. But bisexuality: I think I would wonder, who are you? why can’t you decide? Please don’t take offense but instead correct me if what I’ve posted is wrong.</p>
<p>These are common questions. I’m not an expert, but I will try to answer them to the best of my understanding.
Your reasoning is faulty. You could say that heterosexual Jane will always have an unstable relationship with John because of her attraction to other men. That’s not the way commitment works. If someone is bisexual, they do not need someone of both sexes, which seems to be what you are implying. A bisexual person in a relationship will face the same temptations as any straight person in a relationship. There are always other people–this isn’t limited to gay, straight, or bi. A bisexual person is open to having that stable relationship you talk about with a man or a woman. They are open to a relationship with either sex, but they do not need relationships with both. Does that make sense to you?
It is the family’s problem if they don’t feel comfortable with a bisexual member of the family. A bisexual person would cope in the same way any gay person copes, generally by trying to explain and trying to maintain peaceful relations. It is unfortunate that gay and bisexual people need to deal with their family’s issues.
It is not a matter of not being able to decide. Bisexual people have made a decision. The difference is that their decision is that, for them, physical sex doesn’t need to be a determining factor in a relationship. Bisexual people I know say that they look much more at who the person is and the capacity they have for a loving and stable relationship than they do at the individual’s physical sex.</p>
<p>SuNa, it’s easier to think of sexuality as position along a spectrum, or even a two- or three-dimensional set of axes, than as a simple binary one or the other kind of thing. To complicate things further, while most people are “fixed” in their orientation, others may have positions that oscillate to a greater or lesser degree.</p>
<p>And ultimately it’s nobody’s business but theirs and that of whomever they’re trying to connect with.</p>
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Good point, TheDad. I agree.</p>
<p>I love these agony aunt threads where people write about ‘their friend’ (ie themself).</p>
<p>SuNa: I think corranged really answered this well. While some bisexual people do choose to be non-monogamous so that they can date people of more than one sex at a time, many of bisexuals are just like you, but recognize that they have attractions that are not based on the genetic sex of the person. As I said before, it helps to think of it like hair color. If Jane has a boyfriend who has red hair, and breaks up with him to date a guy with blond hair, that doesn’t necessarily mean their relationship will be “unstable” because she might decide she wants a red-haired guy instead. </p>
<p>How do bisexuals deal with family wishing they were one way or another? The same way that other people deal with having family that wishes they dated only a particular faith, or only a particular race or ethnicity. Sometimes, it means saying, “I know this is what you want for me, but that’s not what I choose.” </p>
<p>As far as wondering why a bisexual won’t “make a choice”, that’s a common fallacy about bisexuality from both sides of the fence, so to speak. And there <em>are</em> people who identify as bisexual and later decide that they prefer one sex over another – I have a close friend who is like that. But for the majority of bisexuals, it’s not that they can’t choose, it that they don’t find biological sex to be a <em>determining factor</em> in their relationships. If you sometimes are attracted to tall skinny people, and sometimes to short, plump people, does that mean you can’t decide? No, it probably means that what attracted you to them is not their size/shape, but other qualities – sense of humor, common interests, things like that.</p>
<p>I am a long-time poster here, but choose to post under a different name because of what I am going through right now with my own child, a college freshman. My child recently told my spouse and me that they are “dating” a person of the same sex. We have experienced every emotion out there. As a parent who always thought I wouldn’t have a problem with that, I have come to realize I don’t feel that way at all. No one, and I mean NO ONE can know the emotions that a parent experiences when their child tells them this unless they experience it personally. Sure, we’d all like to think we would respond in a way that would be supportive of our child, but until you hear something like that from your own child, you can NOT say how you would react, only how you would LIKE to react. I can’t accept it, at least not yet. I’m hurt, angry, sick, horrified, embarrassed, ashamed, etc. We have a great relationship with our child, which is the reason they felt comfortable to tell us in the first place, but we are really having a hard time with it. I actually dreaded having my child come home for spring break. They had just told us the week previous to that and I just didn’t feel I was ready to talk about it. During spring break, we did finally have a nice long discussion, but I’m still hoping and praying that this isn’t a lifelong thing. Our child has always been attracted to members of the opposite sex until this person came along. When I recently asked our child if they were still interested in members of the opposite sex, they said “yes” which somehow gives me hope. Like I said, I’m an emotional rollercoaster. No one can tell me how I should feel and no one can tell me they would feel differently unless they have experienced this personally.</p>
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<p>What are you “hoping” for? That your D will remain a “breeder”? I’ll be blunt here: you need to adjust your own line of thinking here if your relationship with your D is going to survive, whether it be through counseling, education, or whatever. I have been through a similar experience with a bisexual parent, and while the shock can be tough at first, it doesn’t help for surrounding friends and family to be resistant and non-understanding.</p>
<p>Sorry, wrong thread … don’t know how to delete.</p>
<p>BHparent: Maybe your child was never attracted to the opposite sex in the first place, and now at college he’s found his true feelings. As a parent you probably want the best for your child, and it doesn’t seem like you have their best interests at heart if you condemn and ostracize them for something they can’t help.</p>
<p>BHParent: I’m sorry you’re having a difficult time. All I can suggest is to remember that your child is the same person today that they were last week, or a year ago. That is, the things you have loved about your child growing up are still there, and will still be there. Try to focus on that, and just wait and see.</p>